I need advise. In late October I discovered that my wife of 23 years had been calling and texting a co-worker. From August 1 until November 12 she racked up over 4,500 min of phone time and 400 texts. On top of that she was spending almost everyday at lunch with him for an hour. Most of the call came at night when she was supposedly out walking for excercise.
When I discovered this I approached her and she said that he is a really good friend and very easy to talk to. Towards the middle of November, she said that she would not text him or call him and that she would only talk to him as required by work. I found out that she had continued texting him after that and stillcontinues to text periodically. Once the affair was uncovered, she became very distant and we have not had ANY physical contact since. She now has gone into a funk where she continues to work out to get in shape but has no desire to sit and talk with me or really spend any time together.
ONce I found out that this was going on, I started talking to her about why and she explained that I had become distant and never would sit and talk or put her ahead of other tthings. I continue to work hard on givingf her attention but she is so cold and non-engaged into our relationship that I feel like I'm wasting my timer. Last Friday, I caught them toghther and was very upset. Later that day we talked for 4.5 hrs and I explained that our relationship will not work if she is going to continue seeing him and talking with him. She also does not consider her relationshp an affair. For two months, our relationship has had not intac at all and has had very limited conversation. At first I was a wet blanket and would constantly be there asking questions about where she was and what she had been doing. Now I have taken the approach that I am giving her a lot of space and not talking about any of it with hopes that she will maybe start to miss me. I have askd her to go to counceling and she flat out refuses because she doesn't want anyone getting in her head. What should I do becaue I am misserable and cannot sstand this. Any advise would be great!!!

Do you have evidence that this is an affair? Emails, texts, did you catch them in bed?

Is this guy married?

This is an emotional affair. I even caught them sitting in his truck in a remote forest preserve recently. Yes that OM is married with a bi-polar wife who is very non-active and not attractive. My wife is a very beautiful person both in and out and has recently gotten herself in great shape. She continues to text him and does work with him. I have asked her to stop the relationship but she says she doesn't know if she can. last night we went out to a local bar and had a really great time yet, when we got home and ready for bed, she wants nothing to do with me. However, in the mornings before we go to work, she will give me a small kiss and hug. I don't get the game she is playing.

benji, do you have evidence of the affair? Do you have texts, emails? If not, I would suggest getting spyware on her phone and getting the evidence. You can kill the affair if you have evidence by exposing it. But if you have no evidence, it can all be dismissed when they say "we are just friends."

It doesn't mean anything. She is just throwing you a crumb to keep you quiet.

You need to expose the affair to the OM's wife. Do you think if the roles were reversed that your wife would be as accepting as you have been? This affair is destroying your marriage. The following comments applies to your wife and the OM: No consequences to their actions equals no motivation to change. By allowing your wife and the OM to continue this affair, you are sending a clear message to the both of them that it is acceptable to you and there will no consequences to their actions. This attitude will insure the destruction of your marriage.

Bengi,

You need to steel yourself, but the reality is that this is likely a physical affair and has been for some time. This isn't an emotional affair. The amount of contact is a big sign that this isn't just emotional.

Her "walks" are likely times to rendevous with the OM.

The way to kill this is to expose it. Everyone here will give you the exact same advice.

Do you have any kids?

It is likely that this affair is sexual. You probably caught them right after they had sex. Or you interrupted that, and they made an extra effort to finish the next time they were together.


How do you know this? Do you know OM's wife personally? Or are you taking the word of a wayward (your wife) as the truth? Understand that waywards lie. The fact of the matter is that OMW is likely an attractive, active person who has no clue that her husband is banging his co-worker.

It is very typical for a wayward to change their appearance by losing weight and/or working out, buying new clothes, etc., in order to be more attractive to their affair partner.

By the way: she's not very beautiful to me. Or anyone else who has been harmed by adultery. And I don't even have to meet her to know that. Adulterers are NOT beautiful. Inside OR out.

This is because she is being loyal to her boyfriend. She doesn't want any part of you to sully their 'pure' sex when they're together.

We'll help you with understanding this. It's called 'cake-eating'. She's keeping you around for certain needs, which may be emotional or financial. She's keeping her boyfriend to fill her other needs.

Bengi,

1. Your wife is having an AFFAIR with this man. Don't delude yourself into thinking otherwise or minimizing it. An affair is a live hand-grenade tossed into your marriage...with the pin pulled. It will explode and kill it. Don't ignore it or hope that "it will just go away". You must do all you can to get rid of it right away (see below). Don't get caught up splitting hairs about whether it is "just emotional" or not. It DOES NOT MATTER and it very likely has been going on longer than you think and has become sexual as well.

2. All the "strange" stuff she's been doing and saying is perfectly "normal" and expected for a WS. The changes in behavior towards you, the getting herself in better shape, the secrecy/deceptions, the time she's away from you are ALL HALLMARKS OF AN AFFAIR. Place zero faith in anything she says right now and don't be fooled by her "throwing you crumbs of affection" either. She's just trying to maintain the secrecy that fuels the thrill of affairs.

3. YOU MUST SNOOP, GATHER FIRM EVIDENCE, AND EXPOSE THE AFFAIR ALL AT ONCE TO EVERYONE WITHOUT WARNING OR SUSPICION OF YOUR PLANS BY HER.

This is the best way to break an affair and your marriage can't be recovered/restored until the OM is permanenetly GONE.