Hi all. Hubby and I frequented this forum site seven years ago when hubby discovered my infidelity. Words cannot express how much the advise and the reading materials here help us. There were many times even a few years later that I thought my husband could not over come my betrayal. Through great perseverance, and working hard to be the kind of people we should be together, we were able to make the marriage last and be stronger than it ever was. I thank the people here and the Harleys for the support!

Now I have a question. My daughter and her husband have lived with us for the past year and a half. They've been married a little over a year. She asked him to leave this past Friday due to immature behavior (not working and playing video games all day). He left willingly and without a fuss. However, in the course of this emotionally turbulent episode, one of our mutual friends divulged that she has been having an affair with a married man who has children. I discovered who this man is, and he is another mutual friend. Or should I say he was a friend.

My daughter is 24 and this guy is in his 40's. To say I was livid is a major understatement. I caught her talking on the phone to him and confronted her, and she confessed. It was an extremely heated discussion. Apparently he'd called to find out how she was and comfort her after tossing her husband out.

She said they'd had sexual relations twice since April 2011, and although they aren't now, they still talk to each other because they have "feelings" for one another. She said they've both mutually decided to call it off, but from my perspective, if he is still calling her, then it is still going on at least emotionally.

I let a mutual friend know that I knew everything, and he begged me not to tell this low life worm's wife. I don't know his wife, but I can contact her on facebook, and I have her address. It seems macabre that I just sent them a Christmas card.

I told the mutual friend that I wouldn't tell his wife, but if he contacts my daughter again, there will be major hell to pay. My friend assured me there would be no more contact. She is on my cell phone bill and and I can see her call records.

The question running through my mind is should I get involved in this, or should I stay out of my daughter's business. I have had differing advice from a few confidantes.

We know this guy from the Renaissance Festival scene, and he propositioned me more than once this past spring. After telling him no each time, he stopped asking, probably because he was doing my daughter. If he propositioned me, and he got it on with her, it is only logical that he's probably getting some on the side with others.

It just doesn't sit well with me what this guy is doing to his wife and daughters. But, the other side of the coin is that if others at the Renaissance Festival knew about what happened with my daughter and this scumbag, she could be ostracized.

Also, if my daughter's soon to be ex-husband caught wind of this, it could bring major violence upon my house.

I'm not sure what to do.

Telling the truth is always the right thing to do. Of course you should tell his wife. Your daughter's husband should know, as well. Especially if he is under the wrong impression as to why his wife left him. People have the right to know the truth about their lives.

Please let these spouses know!

I get where you are coming from CWMI, but my daughter didn't kick her husband out because of the affair. She kicked him out because he is a lying, lazy, overbearing, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive bum.

I'd prefer soon to be ex-hubby never know. I cannot trust him not to try to stalk and kill her if he finds out.

I am considering how to tip his wife off without it coming back to me.

You are protecting cheaters from natural consequences. What did you learn last time you were here?

Anonymous tipping-off will not be effective. Too easy to spin. And you are wrong about your daughter's reasoning. She should have worked on her marriage, not had an affair with someone else's husband.

You sound way to wayward in your own thinkng right now. Does your husband know about this situation with your daughter?

Why would you enable this behavior, especially when you have first-hand knowledge of how damaging it is?

I absolutely would call his wife and tell her what's going on. Then I would call that POSOM and rain hell down on his head. How DARE he treat your daughter like dirt??? How do you stand for that???

Folks, my husband knows EVERYTHING! I do not keep anything from him anymore, and he is my closest friend. Do not think he is equally as angry. He tells me he is putting this box in the fridge because justice is best served cold.

Glove Oil, I explained at the beginning of this that I am still married after my own affair, and that we were able to weather the storm and become better partners than before hand. There are no issues in my own marriage.

CWMI, it is so easy to judge and say that someone should have done this or that, but you weren't in our shoes. My daughter's husband lied to hubby and I so many times that my head is spinning. Most of his lies did not come out until the last week. But now that the lies are out in the open, I feel betrayed by someone we were trying to help get a leg up. I want him out of her life, and out of ours. He will never live with us again.

I completely agree Maritalbliss. I don't want to enable the behavior! And, I do know how damaging it is. Maybe what is why this is so conflicting for me, as I have so many "friends" (notice the quotes) who are telling me that it is none of my business and to leave it alone, mostly because they are also the POSOM's friend. I am at this point where I really don't care what they think, and I think his wife should know. But, this all came out within the past five days, and I am still reeling and off the charts emotional over it.

Both hubby and I have gotten little sleep since Thursday. I want to make sure that whatever I do, it is well thought out. Please stop with the recriminations, all. I need sane advice at a time when I'm not exactly thinking clearly.

Understood, thanks for the clarification. I saw that you'd mentioned your hubby at the outset. I just was struck that his views weren't mentioned in the rest of your original description, & so I hadn't wanted to assume anything...

My suggestion to stop enabling the affair IS sane advice. The crazy thing would be for you to allow this scum to continue to use your daughter.

And you've been on this site - you know we recommend exposure to kill affairs. Because it works.

Also - we recommend exposure without warning. Threatening OM to tell his wife will simply drive the affair underground, and they'll be more careful to stay off your radar. Being able to check phone records is a valuable tool, but will be worthless if POSOM buys her an affair phone.

Why would you do something so cruel to this poor woman? Why would you ebanble the affair to live on in secrecy, hurting your daughter.

This guy is a professional con artist and he doesnt want his tricks to be generally known.

Woman up. Expose quickly and without warning.

I am puzzled why you even asked us this question about exposure to the other man's wife. .. If MB is one thing, ITS CONSISTENT in its concept of exposure.

Thats like walking into a AA meeting and asking "Any of y'all wanna have a drink with me?"

ditto. I was puzzled too.

What a dreadful position to be in, but the right thing to do would be to pick up the phone today and call the woman. She needs to know what is going on behind her back so she can protect herself from your daughter and her husband. I would also insist your daughter tell her own husband the full story in your presence. His lack of maturity does not entitle her to have affairs.

Your daughter has a serious problem, and I know if my son were doing the same thing, that there would be hell to pay. I would never, ever allow my son to get away with behaving like a scumbag. It is not in your daughters best interest to help her hide her secret. Exposing it helps her be a better person.

Ironically, you will be the true "friend" of the POSOM by exposing him! These other people are not friends, but partners in crime.

CJ, another thing that ocurred to me is that after you tell his wife, you might want to consider calling that weasel up and telling him to leave your daughter alone. I know I would want to do that.

CeeJayKay,

The advice you are getting, and will continue to get regarding your DDOW will be almost identical to what we would advise a BS.

1. Expose to ALL parties, and most especially the OM's BW.
2. Allow the natural consequences of the A (i.e. loss of respect from Ren Fair buddies) to unfold. Do not shield the waywards from their own consequences, which they already created.
3. Do not support DDOW in any tangible way while the A is on - this is financial, allowing her to stay in your house, anything you do for her needs to stop.
4. If she persists, go into Plan B. You do not need waywardness in your home or in your lives. She can experience grace and restoration once she ends her adultery.

I am wondering. Do you have personal knowledge of any abuse on the part of the BH? Or is this what your DDOW told you?

If all you have is her word, you are placing a great deal of faith in the reliability of someone who is a demonstrable liar and cheater. If you have personal knowledge, why were you still allowing him to live in your house with her?

I'm asking you some pretty tough questions, I know. I've been on this board nearly 7 years, and in a painful situation like this I want you to have the very best tools available to deal with it - the MB tools.

There is much you can do to influence this situation, if you are willing. IMO, there is much you ~should~ do to influence this situation. I have offered my best advice, and it is your choice what to do with it.

Glad all is well with you and your hubby.

Exposure was still sort of a board secret 7 years ago. I used to get regularly attacked on this board for recommending exposure because board vets used to call it a "lovebuster."

ML, Your pulling my leg right?

Yessiree, Bob. If some married old bum with kids was going after my daughter I would rip his head off. Hoooweeee, would I yank that secret little romance into the light of day!

The fact that she is an adult wouldn't stop me from pulling her off the train tracks when the train is bearing down on her.

I know that this situation must be very tough for you. I want to reiterate what people have been saying to you all ready. You need to expose, and yes even your SIL needs to know the truth. Having your DOW tell him herself with you, and possibly even your FBH in the room will show your SIL that you aren't okay with your DOW's decision to have an A but that you will protect her from physical violence.

I think you came here to ask this question because deep down, you knew the right thing to do, and with all of the outside influences telling you what went against your own thoughts, you needed reassurance. Well, we're giving it to you.