I think what I am doing wrong is that I don't finish what I start, but I will email Dr. Harley. DH has lost hope because he has heard this all before.
In a sense I do have more time - I have the next couple of months. He was very clear that I should have no expectations that anything I do at this point will change his mind, however.
Your title caught my eye because my H and I were involved with financial infidelity (and medical infidelity) before he chose marital infidelity. (Yep, he lied by omission when he was taken to the ER from work and I found out months later, the same day I searched his truck looking for a secret phone but found his heart meds on D-Day 1.)
We thought he was a compulsive liar but through the MB book His Needs, Her Needs
, we discovered he was a protective liar and avoid trouble liar
as well as a self-aggrandizing liar
(we learned from another MB book) and had been for all his life due to FOO (family of origin) issues. His parents taught him well.
(or maybe it's in the book LoveBusters
) Dr. Harley tells how you can know the difference in treatable dishonesty and NON-treatable dishonesty. Most truly compulsive born liars
who will never change have a seared conscience and usually end up dead or in jail.
This (and other factors) gave my husband hope that he could change and I see that you have the main thing needed to change (desire to have different results) but need additional motivation. Maybe these ideas will help, maybe not.
1. I strongly suggest you call the MB radio show and get Dr. Harley�s personal help. That�s one of the first things that helped us (you might even be able to find our call in the archives �Lacey from Montana� on Wed. Jan. 31, 2007).
2. Find ways to visualize how good your life is and how much better it can be by reading on the �Surviving An Affair� forum and comparing your situation to stories there. You�ll probably discover that you have much for which to be grateful.
3. Jump into a virtual time machine and picture yourself in the future as a person of integrity who is self-assured that it�s more valuable to tell the truth and face the consequences with honor than to lie and deal with the ensuing guilt and shame.
4. Focus on changing YOU because you�re the only person you can control. Don�t change to impress your husband so he changes his mind. That may be a side effect but it it�s your main focus, you might be distracted by your setbacks and may give up prematurely.
5. Take an extra dose of �be patient� pills as your dishonesty has been ingrained in you for a long time and will take awhile to overcome. Follow Dr. Harley�s suggestions and use the support here when you get weak or discouraged.
My husband chose to change after our 4th D-Day when I gave up and did not challenge him to come back when he headed for the door �to go live in his truck.� It had been 6 months since his A started and 4 months since our first D-Day, but I had caved and given him another chance after the first 3 D-Days. We had been married for over 30 years and were both in our 50's at the time.
Now our foundation has two major stones:
A. Tell the truth. When you mess up, self-report. (This is for both of us BTW.)
B. Own, apologize and make amends with a good attitude and sincere heart when you mess up.
So far, five years later, those and many other aspects of the MB plans are helping us recover and we are both telling the truth after 30+ years of passive aggressive behaviors, gaslighting and habitual lying.
Based on what I�ve read on these last 2 pages of your thread, it seems like your H is giving up like I did. I hope you are successful in changing yourself for YOU and that if he chooses to work with you on this life-changing process, that it�s not too late.
P.S. I had to learn that it was necessary for ME to make it safe for my H to tell the truth. You can't teach your H that, but Dr. Harley could and will when you contact him. I'll be praying for you.