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I am truly sorry for your pain. I know exactly how you are feeling. I had all the same foggy thoughts that you did. Plus the depression. I understand the "black hole".

Pepperband gives you good advice. Follow it.



Me: WW41
Hubby: BH40...My Amazing forgiving man (CharpyTest)
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Originally Posted by comedytragedy
I understand the "black hole".

((((( comedytragedy )))))

In a hole? Put down the shovel !

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Pep,
I dug myself out already wink
CT


Me: WW41
Hubby: BH40...My Amazing forgiving man (CharpyTest)
DD: 8 DS: 8 DD: 6
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May 25, 2011 (Formal NC letter sent)
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Originally Posted by comedytragedy
Pep,
I dug myself out already wink
CT

kiss

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Originally Posted by TickyTock
Just to note... all of my kids have my blood type. O. STBXPOSWH has A. The tests are worthless, because O is recessive and A and B are dominant. You could be A and your BH B and your child can have O or A or B or AB. I researched this when STBXPOSWH accused the children of not being his because they were O. They don't use blood type for paternity anymore because it's so unreliable.
But it's not unreliable at ruling parents OUT. Blood type cannot say that someone IS the parent with a high probability, but it can rule that someone CANNOT be the parent.

If the BH has been ruled OUT as the parent, that doesn't necessarily prove that OM definitely IS the parent. Only a DNA test can prove a positive relationship with OM. Of course the courts are not going to declare someone as the parent if there has been no DNA test.

But if the BH has been ruled OUT as the parent, then why would a DNA test be necessary for him?



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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by TickyTock
Just to note... all of my kids have my blood type. O. STBXPOSWH has A. The tests are worthless, because O is recessive and A and B are dominant. You could be A and your BH B and your child can have O or A or B or AB. I researched this when STBXPOSWH accused the children of not being his because they were O. They don't use blood type for paternity anymore because it's so unreliable.
But it's not unreliable at ruling parents OUT. Blood type cannot say that someone IS the parent with a high probability, but it can rule that someone CANNOT be the parent.

If the BH has been ruled OUT as the parent, that doesn't necessarily prove that OM definitely IS the parent. Only a DNA test can prove a positive relationship with OM. Of course the courts are not going to declare someone as the parent if there has been no DNA test.

But if the BH has been ruled OUT as the parent, then why would a DNA test be necessary for him?
As pointed dominate and recessive blood types are not going prove anything. as the example given where both parents have recessive O the kid has O but neither parent has O because the blood test shows blood type not recessive jeans. So because you want to use blood type in this case the kid is not even an OC or the wife's kid because the wife's blood is not O.

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Yes, I fully understand that that there are combinations that CAN occur - but there are combinations that CANNOT.

Specific people cannot be proven to be parents by blood tests, but specific people can be proven NOT to be, for certain combinations. The example given is of a combination that CAN occur, not of one that CANNOT.


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First of all thank you for to everyone who is read and posted your words have not fallen on deaf ears and are very much appreciated.


Looks like i need to set the record straight here the tests we did were DNA tests It's just in addition to such the doctor we used told us that my daughter has a rare blood type and as such it would be highly unlikely but not impossible that she was not my husband so based on that my husband had a DNA test done as well. As far as who we used I'm not sure of the company but I do know he went to the hospital to get it done in Canada it is an out-of-pocket expense but the hospital will do it.

As far as everything else you all said couldn't agree more especially with the "hole" analogy i really do have no one else to blame but myself for the situation I'm in but i do want to get out of it and the whole reason I'm here is to find a way out of it. It's just hard when you know that the whole reason you're in this mess is because of your own stupid selfish actions and all you want to do store yourself A pity parade.

MrWondering You are right "fix" is the wrong word to use all i meant by it though was that i want the opportunity to atone for the bad choices I've made and show my husband the deep love i have for him and even deeper desire to make his pain go away. Also i did know my husband was on the site but i didn't know he was posting i knew he was visiting the site because i was the one who showed it to him when i found it after D-Day (I was pretty desperate i would quote the site often but not truly follow the principles back then) As far as now i know he doesn't use the site he told me i should feel free and that he has no plans to read it he says marriage builders is mostly for people who are trying to save their marriage and since he doesn't want to save his anymore there's no need to come back here.


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Originally Posted by Rottenlady
As far as now i know he doesn't use the site he told me i should feel free and that he has no plans to read it he says marriage builders is mostly for people who are trying to save their marriage and since he doesn't want to save his anymore there's no need to come back here.

Rottenlady,

Marriage Builders isn't just for people wanting to save their marriage...

It is for anyone that wants to have a good marriage...

period.

Whether it is with their current spouse...

or not.

Your BH has the right to reconcile with you...

or not.

It is up to him.

And that is what I would tell him.

He cannot lose with Marriage Builders.

Either he learns how to have a terrific marriage with you...

or he heals and someday will have a good marriage with someone else.

What you are asking for is the chance to show him that YOU can be that person.

God bless.

Jim



FWW 48 had EA and PA affair with my brother which ended in 2006. Me BH 53. Happily recovering with a new and better marriage through MB!!! My thread - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2110024#Post2110024
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There were some very cruel words that you told him when he told you he was going to divorce you, weren't there? Words that cut him deep into his soul. I sincerely hope that you have apologized to him for uttering those cruel and hurtful words.

From his postings on another site, it shows that he still cares very much for you and wants you to heal. But please understand, that he needs to heal as well and right now he does not trust you. Your actions are what he uses to gauge your intentions. So please, try to be considerate on how your actions may affect him from now on.

I wish you peace and future happiness. God bless.

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I do realize how much I've hurt him and that i can never apologize enough for the pain i caused him (though I'm trying)though as of the last few days I've been trying to show my sorrow in more positive ways like trying to get myself together and trying not to be a burden to him. It's hard at times as i miss him and wish you were home with me. The house feels empty without him in it i feel so alone and like such a failure. But i keep telling myself this is the way it has to be he's made his choice to leave and i have to respect his decision i showed him enough disrespect over the last few years and i think one of the best ways to make up for that is show it now and respect his decision.


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Edit:

Last edited by Rottenlady; 01/03/12 01:39 AM. Reason: accidental double post

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RL,

I hope you never do fully realize the pain of betrayal. I hope you never fully understand. You took something that wasn't really yours, and you gave it away, and it can never be returned, never restored.

That's not to say that there isn't some hope, but you have to understand that there will always be an injury, a hole. The hope lies in strengthening everything around that hole so that the injury is no longer a weakness, no longer a hindrance.

It's like shattering a knee - the knee will never be the same, but with proper rehabilitation, LIFE can be BETTER than before the injury.

That rehabilitation plan is found here. Should your husband decide to give it another shot or not, you would BOTH benefit from learning the program.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan
There were some very cruel words that you told him when he told you he was going to divorce you, weren't there? Words that cut him deep into his soul. I sincerely hope that you have apologized to him for uttering those cruel and hurtful words.

From his postings on another site, it shows that he still cares very much for you and wants you to heal. But please understand, that he needs to heal as well and right now he does not trust you. Your actions are what he uses to gauge your intentions. So please, try to be considerate on how your actions may affect him from now on.

I wish you peace and future happiness. God bless.
TMCM, it is silly to post about another site when it is clear that he wants privacy there.


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Quote
From his postings on another site, it shows that he still cares very much for you and wants you to heal.
Is oldmittens aware that you have posted this here?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by Rottenlady
I do realize how much I've hurt him and that i can never apologize enough for the pain i caused him (though I'm trying)though as of the last few days I've been trying to show my sorrow in more positive ways like trying to get myself together and trying not to be a burden to him.
Pulling yourself together for your children is about the most unselfish thing you can do right now. Imagine what this has ben like for them.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

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Originally Posted by Rottenlady
It's hard at times as i miss him and wish you were home with me. The house feels empty without him
Are you writing this to us or your BS? Maybe I am reading this wrong, this can be interpreted as manipulative.

edit to add; If both spouses are posting on MB, it is advised that they stay off each others threads, anyway.

A lot of WS try that, most find it does not work. You need to take a long look at extraudinary precautions (wich are boundaries you set up within yourself) and work on yourself.

What kinds of things are you doing, reading learning about that are positive for you? How are you working on your own issues?

Last edited by barbiecat; 01/03/12 08:54 AM.

Me; W 46
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Originally Posted by Rottenlady
Looks like i need to set the record straight here the tests we did were DNA tests It's just in addition to such the doctor we used told us that my daughter has a rare blood type and as such it would be highly unlikely but not impossible that she was not my husband so based on that my husband had a DNA test done as well.



What is confusing is that when a DNA test results are in but the doc had to mention blood type?

DNA tests don't take blood type into account so it makes no sense for the doc to mention it unless the results were close but just missed the mark. And you said your BH went and had the tests done but your wording stated you did not go and did not contribute a sample.

This paternity result does not make sense unless your DNA was not involved as shown: http://www.dnatesting.com/dna-test-questions/why-test-the-mother.php



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Not silly SugarCane, but stupid. I should have thought about that in the first place.

My hope is for RL to become a better person for RL's sake not for her stbxh's benefit. Changes done for others don't last and they are often perceived as manipulative.

RL please do not search for your stbxh on another website. As SugarCane pointed out correctly, he needs his privacy - something that I may have compromised through my stupidity.

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Originally Posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan
Not silly SugarCane, but stupid. I should have thought about that in the first place.

"Doh" doh2

Hi TMCM

Last edited by Pepperband; 01/03/12 10:47 AM.
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