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Originally Posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan
There were some very cruel words that you told him when he told you he was going to divorce you, weren't there? Words that cut him deep into his soul. I sincerely hope that you have apologized to him for uttering those cruel and hurtful words.

Well, RL, I guess someone's gone and tattled on you.

As a reminder, I suggested you avoid ALL love busters.

Here's the list:

Quote
Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

Remember my admonishment?

CONTROL YOURSELF

Without your self control .... you cannot recover.
Personal and marital recovery both require self control.

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Hi Pepper.

Yep DOH! is right. Definitely not one of my most intelligent moments.

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Originally Posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan
Definitely not one of my most intelligent moments.

Not enough coffee, maybe? grin

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More coffee?

grin




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***EDIT***

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***EDIT***

Last edited by Ariel; 01/03/12 08:09 PM. Reason: Removing quote

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As far as DNA test results Go i do not know the exact specifics as i was not there. I do know he went to do the testing and when he told me he also mentioned that the doc said she has a rare blood type. I don't know if he asked her this or if it was just something incidental that goes along with the testing you have to ask him.As far as "oldmittens" goes (can't believe he actually decided to use that name) he does know that i post here and as far as I'm concerned he's free to look at it but i don't think he will he's not the kind of person he would ask first. But if you are reading this "Oldmittens" know that i will recover from this that it's not your fault you had every right to leave and i will become the person i need to be for you and most importantly our children.

Pepperband you are right i did have a big problem with Love busters especially with disrespectful judgments and unrealistic expectations. Every time my husband would get upset thinking about the affair I would freak out. I would start crying and screaming that he was going to leave me and would use my daughter's as guilt trips saying that he's abandoning them when really he was only leaving me. when he wanted distance or to be alone for a little while i would follow him around the house trying to get him to talk to me (when obviously he wasn't ready for it at that moment) i became needy and clingy calling him constantly while he was at work or out with friends which wasn't often. I would constantly nag at him that he wasn't working on the marriage when in fact i was the one not following any of the guidelines for recovery set forth by the books and other materials we were reading. Not to mention the psycho i became the first time he left. The more i look back on it now the more i understand why he left who would want to be with someone like that a raging lunatic for all intents and purposes someone who was more interested in preserving her own happiness then in easing the pain of her husbands.

But the most important step has already been taken and that is the decision to change. I do not want to be this person anymore i want to be someone my daughters can be proud of a strong female role model. I have to accept that i have already failed them once and that I've hurt their lives deeply but i will make up for it and give them a much better future especially for my youngest who my heart breaks for as she will never know the joys of the family we once had. I'll always open to your criticisms comments and advice i hope to learn from this situation to make myself a better person. I hope you'll take the time to keep up with this thread and to help me out thank you.


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RL,

I've not posted to you, but I'll tell that you will need to work hard to become the kind of woman your H can respect and love.

The first time my H was unfaithful, about 15 years ago, he immediately fell into a deep depression upon my discovery, after a number of angry outbursts at me. So the first year following the A, I had to find him a psychiatrist and simply do the best I could to support him, get him the meds, etc. It was a horrible year and there was no MB for us, since we didn't know about it. I didn't admire him at all. He was like a zombie for much of the time. A miserable "recovery" and I was very sorry to be "saddled" with such a pathetic creature. That's how I saw him in those days. We "got past" the A and did marriage counseling, for the minimal good we got from it, since it never addressed the conditions leading to the A nor were Extraordinary Precautions presented. Forget about having a better-than-ever marriage. Staying married without too much misery was the goal then.

After D-Day last December, I told him that if he did the whole depression thing like last time, I wasn't planning on staying to deal with his stinking A AND his depression, that he could do that solo. (Yes, I was fed up.)

He said things like you just said in your post--he wanted to change; he didn't want to be that kind of person anymore but to be the kind of man I would love and admire, and that even if I left him, he would not date but to spend the rest of his life pursuing me. (yeah, right, I thought.)

It took this whole year to make the changes so that I could see them; he is exercising daily, losing weight, studying the Bible, studying MB with me and became a better man. Not ONE angry outburst from him all year, despite some pretty tough moments. No dishonesty, no independent behavior, no disrespectful judgments. He learned what my ENs were and just started meeting them. He practiced these habits all year long.

Part of the MB Just Compensation is being a part of building a marriage that is better than it was before the A. That's going to require a great deal of growth and maturity on your part. (as it does for all of us--not just singling you out.)

If you have been working on the MB program, reading the books, you will understand that feelings follow actions. First, we do the actions by seeing what we have to do, then creating the habit of doing those actions, one step at a time. Those habits then are a part of our lives.

Starting with Love Busters, first you would end all selfish demands. Just end them. Read the chapters having to do with the offending habits you have. Read them over and over and start practicing. Use those habits not just with your H, but with others as well. These will help you become a better person. He is not going to admire and respect a woman who is not controlling her emotions.

Even if your H leaves you, he will still be in contact because of the children, let him always see you as a strong and wonderful woman who has changed from the inside out.

Be sure and listen to the daily radio show. It's a great education on MB. You can listen to them from the archives as recent as the previous day or you can click on Rebroadcast.



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Just an FYI: he has already left and filed for divorce.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Just an FYI: he has already left and filed for divorce.

I knew he had left the home; did not pick up on the filing of divorce. Thanks for pointing that out.

Still, becoming a better person is better than not, I think. It might be that H would eventually see her as a viable wife again...someday. And if not, she will be a more balanced, reasonable person in any case, able to make good decisions.


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Originally Posted by Rottenlady
As far as DNA test results Go i do not know the exact specifics as i was not there. I do know he went to do the testing and when he told me he also mentioned that the doc said she has a rare blood type.
sigh

What you have stated means that without your presence when the test was done means that the test was borderline at best and the doc cited the blood type to say most likely the kid is an OC. redflag

The OC's blood type does not have to match your's or your BH's. If you and or your BH carried the recessive gene that would explain the different blood type. Edit to add that blood type tests don't test for recessive blood type genes.

Get your husband the child and you and have new samples from all three of you and do a retest.

There is a chance that BH can be the dad from what you have posted. Not a large chance, but a chance.

Isn't the money worth the chance to save the marraige? rant2

If the test comes back and child is still OC the results can't be any worse then they are now. rant2

You go around saying how bad you want to save your marraige but when given something to do you won't pull the trigger. Some BH can recover an affair without an OC. banghead

You have a chance to remove the straw that broke the camel's back. Yet you won't go to the hardware store and buy a broom and dust pan. banghead rant2 faint

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Originally Posted by Rottenlady
Pepperband you are right i did have a big problem with Love busters especially with disrespectful judgments and unrealistic expectations. Every time my husband would get upset thinking about the affair I would freak out. I would start crying and screaming that he was going to leave me and would use my daughter's as guilt trips saying that he's abandoning them when really he was only leaving me. when he wanted distance or to be alone for a little while i would follow him around the house trying to get him to talk to me (when obviously he wasn't ready for it at that moment) i became needy and clingy calling him constantly while he was at work or out with friends which wasn't often. I would constantly nag at him that he wasn't working on the marriage when in fact i was the one not following any of the guidelines for recovery set forth by the books and other materials we were reading. Not to mention the psycho i became the first time he left. The more i look back on it now the more i understand why he left who would want to be with someone like that a raging lunatic for all intents and purposes someone who was more interested in preserving her own happiness then in easing the pain of her husbands.

But the most important step has already been taken and that is the decision to change. I do not want to be this person anymore i want to be someone my daughters can be proud of a strong female role model. I have to accept that i have already failed them once and that I've hurt their lives deeply but i will make up for it and give them a much better future especially for my youngest who my heart breaks for as she will never know the joys of the family we once had. I'll always open to your criticisms comments and advice i hope to learn from this situation to make myself a better person. I hope you'll take the time to keep up with this thread and to help me out thank you.

I will do my best to assist you.

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LongWay, I was picking up on this:

Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome
Even if your H leaves you,
Your advice is brilliant. I just thought you had missed that he'd left because of the above.


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Originally Posted by Pepperband
I will do my best to assist you.

Step one ..... pick a new screen name.
One that goes with RL.
RecoveryLady?

Something less .... drama-queen-esque. dramaqueen

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RL any changes we try to do for others are bound to fail because they are not real changes to ourselves and appear disingenuous to the people we care the most.

It's like proclaiming to everybody around you that you are going to loose weight so they can be proud of you, yet later on they catch you gorging on sweets and fatty foods and they end up losing trust in you. But if you didn't tell anyone you were going to loose weigh, started exercising, eating right and looking better day by day, then one day your loved ones would inevitably take notice and give you praise for the changes you brought about. See the difference? Your actions would be speaking louder for you than any words possibly could.

Put the emphasis on becoming a better person FOR YOU without broadcasting to those around you. Once those changes become permanent, your loved ones cannot but see you with new, trusting eyes.

I wish you and yours the very best. Take care.

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Originally Posted by Rottenlady
Yes my husband is Oldmittens. when we went to the fireworks i brought it up and he said he doesn't post here anymore that if i want to post here i should feel free and that he doesn't mind if I read his.

Out of curiousity, have you had a look at his thread on Marriage Builders? Some parts may be painful to read, but it'd be interesting to get your perspective.

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myd, you sound like someone who reads where her husband posts, who has signed up here in order to take RL to task.

RL, there is no point posting about what your H said on his thread. By all means read the thread if you are interested, but try not to get drawn into discussions on your thread about his account of the past. Concentrate on using MB to save your marriage, if that is at all possible, and to improve yourself for the future.


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First was a thank you to everyone who's taken the time to post on my thread (Particularly Pepperband Thank you for the new screen name) your advice is much appreciated and quite valuable I'm doing my best to follow it. I get what you guys are saying about any progress and growth I achieve has to be for me and not for anyone else or for the goal of getting my STBXH back. I liked the analogy of Losing weight and you are right i have to do it for myself it's the only way it will work. I was hoping some of you could point me to a few books on dealing with divorce and separation as I'm not sure where to find them. As far as how are things going lately it has been good and bad i have a job interview Monday and it looks very promising i would love to get this job as i feel it would be the start of a new beginning. I have my daughters this week and we went out yesterday and had a spa day spending the whole day getting pampered it was great to see them smiling and laughing and having a good time it's been too long since they've gotten to do that.

I spoke with my STBXH today and asked him about the DNA Test results and what you guys said he will look into it to see if there are any problems and if necessary will get a second test but was quick to remind me that it will not change anything and that we are still getting divorced. On that front he told me he spoke with the lawyer and we have a court date for February 2 all we have to do is show up to the court the judge will ask us Some general questions make sure the agreement is fair and then sign it and we will be divorced. I know it's going to be a hard day but i plan to act with as much grace and dignity as i can. someone also asked if I have read Oldmittens posts and yes i have a couple times over now and the more i read the more i understand how it was my actions that hurt recovery more then anything else especially after the first time he moved out. I also understand more of why he came back but only stayed for a short time and how my actions and the actions of his family led him to have an enormous sense of guilt (a unwarranted sense of guilt) which caused him to return. But that the pain he felt was just too much and moreover the resentment he had towards me and his family for his perceived sense that we forced him to return. I'm only now truly coming to the realization of the hurt and pain he must feel not just for the affair but for the way me and his family reacted. But i made it through today at least here's hoping I'll make it through tomorrow once again thanks for all your advice is greatly appreciated.


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Quote
Out of curiousity, have you had a look at his thread on Marriage Builders? Some parts may be painful to read, but it'd be interesting to get your perspective.
Why do you feel it would be interesting to get RL's perspective on mitts' thread, myd? I think her current thread is very helpful to her. I'm sure she's read mitts' thread. What are you looking for from her in the way of 'perspective'?



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Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
First was a thank you to everyone who's taken the time to post on my thread (Particularly Pepperband Thank you for the new screen name) your advice is much appreciated and quite valuable I'm doing my best to follow it.




I spoke with my STBXH today and asked him about the DNA Test results and what you guys said he will look into it to see if there are any problems and if....

puke


You thank people for advice but you don't do much more then post. rant2


Your BH is mad so of course he's going to say another DNA test won't matter.

Thing is you are given a small window to help turns back the odds some and what action do you take?

You talk, you post, but do you go and get a new test done? banghead

NO banghead

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