HB?

Yep, at two years if it's better than it's ever been, you're recovering. If it's not, you're not.

Good clarification!

IP,

I just read your thread. I know what you are feeling. I am at 6 months since my D-Day and my WW still refuses SF. She says she loves me, does nice things for me, we talk, text, shop and a lot more.....just no SF. My WW has some aversion, some self confidence issues and uses the tired excuse so much I'm tired of hearing it.

Hang in there. My anger and resentment are increasing with every day. I Coe here for encouragement. Know that you are not alone. Keep posting, keep working.

HB is Hysterical Bonding, the phenomenon in which the couple, after discovering the adultery, attempt to make a strong emotional/sexual bond through SF, often daily for months, even a couple of times a day.


A gentle reminder that in MB forgiveness is earned. The spouse who committed adultery earns forgiveness by helping to build a marriage that is better than it was before.

There is an element of forgiveness, because there is really no way to ever compensate for the pain caused by infidelity. But the emphasis of MB is on Just Compensation, as well as Extraordinary Precautions so an affair never occurs again.


My FWH doesn't post to any forums, and he would only do so on MB if I had insisted. But then it would be reluctant agreement. He hates thinking about what he did, because, as he says, it was so foolish and caused so much pain that he wants to do all he can to put it behind him. Your wife may feel the same way. I would have strongly requested him to post only if I suspected some BS on his part. The folks on this forum can see the fog from a mile away.



There was a recent radio clip in which Dr. H. discussed this. He said we should NOT be bringing up the affair at all, even the triggers. If we have bad memories rising up that cause us to feel down, it is okay to say "I feel a little down," and to ask for a hug. But even if the spouse asks if it's about the affair, we should repeat, "I'm just feeling a little down."

Dr. H. said he understands this goes against the Policy of Radical Honesty, but he stands by this when it comes to talking about the A, because its effect on the married couple is most often extremely negative.

Believe me, I KNOW this is hard to do. The problem is that the A will never go away, no matter how hard the couple works at it. Talking about the triggers brings the past into the present, much like reminiscing about wonderful things from the past causes happiness when we talk about them.

This has been for me a moment by moment habit to build. I was really lousy at this for much of the first year. To not even mention that I was having a down moment due to HIS adultery seemed cruel to me. How is a person supposed to swallow it? But talking about it ends up serving no purpose except to make us all feel terrible.

As we begin to believe our FWS in their effort to earn Just Compensation, it does become easier to push away the bad thoughts.


That's great, IP. Someone here quotes that recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. It's little successes built up every day.

And lastly, you might be right about the lack of exercise making your W feel tired. Maybe there's a way you two can get out for a bike ride or a good walk most days. We had a child seat for our bike and used to take our daughter out. We all loved the time outdoors.

LWFH,

You make some good points. I'm going to show her my thread tonight and see if she'll post. I do waiver back and forth all the time about staying or leaving, I just keep telling myself to give it time. I'm going to try my best not to bring it up anymore after today. I left her a note this morning that I wanted her to pick a time to talk about the first affair, that I still feel in the dark about that and that I would close the door on it. This whole thing is hard. I'm young, and its hard to fight the desire to start over.

Two years IP - TWO YEARS. Keep your EYE on the Prize.

In April you will be on ONE Year -- so much will be different by then.


Keep up the great work. Your DD is watching every move you make, and will select a husband identical to you. Show her that fighting for what is right and her family is your #1 priority.

If you marriage goes down, then you will know your DD knows a "Good Man" is a fighter, and does everything he can for his family.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PRIZE!!!

I think many of us waiver quite a bit back and forth the first couple of years into recovery. Tough said it, though, "Keep your eye on the prize."

Leaving is a lot less complicated when no children are involved. Since you have a little child, you probably don't want her subjected to boyfriends and not seeing you every day. People often like to say that kids are resilient and get over divorce, but it's traumatic for them to have their families torn apart.

Over time, as your W makes progress in meeting your needs and in earning your forgiveness by helping to make your marriage better than ever, this wavering will stop.


Yes, you need to have all your questions answered on the affairs and then never bring it up again.(A minute by minute, hour by hour discipline....)

Have you two yet discussed and eliminated the conditions that led to the affairs? There are no excuses for an affair, but there are reasons.

Was it marital neglect, love busters, separation, the ability to maintain a secret second life? Does she have male friends? Does she have/keep Extraordinary Precautions? My H had to create a whole new way of relating to women; he always had a lot of women friends, but now he has NONE.

You mentioned earlier that you are scheduled for deployment in Sept 2012. Is this still on the books to happen? Will you be moving before then? Did both of the affairs happen while you were away?

If you deploy again, will you come up with solutions on how to handle the separation in a way as to avoid an affair?

LWFH,

We have discussed the conditions that led to it. Primarily neglect due her not meeting my needs, she had also used a lot of AO's on me, no O&H, and had poor boundaries with guy friends. Separation led to a secret second life that went unchecked while I was gone. After first affair went undiscovered the second just seemed like another step up.
We have implemented all boundaries to prevent another affair...for either of us. I haven't had one, but feel really vulnerable to female attention.
I due have to deploy, not as long now, but the date has moved up to the end of April. We're going to use skype to try and meet her needs. We are unsure about what to do about mine other than try to create as many good strong memories as possible to push the bad ones out of the way.
I continue to monitor her phone. I don't check it as frequently, but I watch it and I'll have that same ability while I'm deployed.
We won't be moving though, I'm going unaccompanied.

IP - I just went through a deployed husband committing adultery with his colleague and now leaving me for her.

My thought is to get your commander involved and to have his wife involved for your wife. She needs to surround herself with people who will support her during deployment.

I would make your commander and/or other trusted colleagues who will stick with you and support you.

Tough love,

I tried finding your thread. Can you post me a link?

Also, after reading so much on the forums I'm starting to get worried about my wife breaking contact while I'm gone. I don't know how to keep her accountable. How long are GPS batteries good for?

Just FYI, I use mobistealth on my FWW's phone. It has a lot of features including logging texts, calls, contact lists, emails, spy calls, web browsing, as well as a gps tracker. It has helped me a TON. Luckily nothing "juicy" has come of it, but it gives me lots of peace of mine. You just buy a subscription online and then go online on her phone and activate the software. That's the tough part but if you can get to her phone for 5-10 minutes without her around you can do it. I know it seems really shady, but you have to do what you have to do. At least that way you know if she's being honest with you. I only wish I had it installed while I was away.

thanks ML

This week has gone exceptionally well after planning. We fell short of the fifteen hours, but we were close. I originally told her I would stay for a year and make my decision then. Last night I told her I would give it another year to see how the deployment went and if she stayed consistent with her behavior. She is starting to see how well the program works when both of us try.

Why is today so hard? Why do I feel this huge void? why do I feel like this isn't going to work when felt so great only two days ago?

Because you are on a roller coaster ride.

Being on the roller coaster is often exhausting and unpredictable. Occasionally, a bit more than a year following D-Day for us, I still have to use my mind to logically remind myself where we are today. It's especially hard the first year.

Ok, I went and worked out this morning. Finally I pulled myself back together. Had to come home early though to watch my daughter. She couldn't go to preschool today because she had a fever and the wife had to work last nite. Going to try and give DD some UA time to keep my mind occupied.

I wanted to pop back in and recommend another enjoyable activity that also counts in some ways for conversation...if it's something you both enjoy doing.

Playing table-type games! We play several games that are simple enough to take less than an hour to play yet employ enough strategy to keep it interesting. I'm the one who likes short and sweet, and H likes the strategy and complexity.

The way it works in our household is we discuss a new game H is interested in. We order the game and he learns the rules. When the game arrives, he then teaches me the rules. It's kind of nice, because as he teaches me, he might have to come just behind me and lean over to look at my cards, which is nice. It feels like something close to affection when he does that. We play across from each other and look at each other frequently.

Playing these games together gives us an environment in which we can enjoy conversation AND fun at the same time.

Good for you for getting to the gym to work out and to take care of your little one.

My wife loved that idea. Thank you. Any favorites you recommend?