This all sounds positive....except for the LB's. You definitely need to eliminate the LB's. They KILL romantic love and attraction in a marriage.

How does your H feel about the snip? Does he want more kids? Or is he just concerned about the procedure and that's why you need to POJA it?

If he's worried about the procedure, tell him it's no big deal. Weekend on the couch with an ice pack and he'll be good to go. Only problem I had was the day after the procedure I'd fallen asleep on the couch and my W was doing some laundry and one of our son's ran up and kinda fell on top of me....and yep, direct hit!

Keep working. It'll be worth the effort!

H4U.

I bought Lovebusters on Kindle. It looks like they just scanned and OCR a paper copy. Many typos and other errors. It is readable, with patience. I have bad eyes, so can't easily read paper books, but for most people I'd say get the hard copy!

Hopeforus - H did want more children and is concerned about the procedure. We have to POJA this because I am so done. After the babies were born prematurely (and I was seriously ill) he said he was going to get it done, but never followed through. This issue has to get addressed.
Thanks for the info though-H is reading this thread, so will be reassuring for him to hear.
Still working on my LoveBusters...


RC

I can see why you're done with SF. Need verses want and society needs has show extra large families are not best for the world over all. There are many effective ways to stop the swimmers from reaching their goal. So any operation is not an necessity when alternatives are there.

Your H has heard this but evidently because he has never been the one to get pregnant 7 times he chooses to ignore the phyical stress he is placing you under and act as everything is fine.

TheRoad - thank you for your thoughtful post. Yes, we will be POJA'ing all available options-not just a vasectomy.
I have actually had 13 pregnancies-7 ending in miscarriage and 6 to full term (last one twins). So, yes this is a huge issue for my physical well being.
My husband does not think everything is fine. He is very aware of the issues and we are now working on them together, thanks to MarriageBuilders.

Question for experts
After reading the chapter in His Needs Hers Needs where Dr Harley encourages wives to learn as much about sex and their sexuality as they can, I want to get some good reading material on these topics. However when I search these topics, hundreds of books come up. Anyone have any good ones they know about for a beginner?

Thanks

RC

Not an expert, but I've read HNHN and listened to the audio CD; Dr. H. recommends in the audio version a book called "Woman's Orgasm" by Georgia Kline-Graber and Benjamin Graber. I had a tough time finding it (because I was too embarrassed to follow the directions he gives on the CD, involving calling the Little-Brown publishing company, etc) but I was able to find a used copy on Amazon. It's no longer in print.

There's a lot of detail about the anatomy of a woman and what specifically happens during orgasm, including steps in working up to getting there. Dr. H. says there are steps that can be skipped, but the part he particularly points out is the info about the PCG muscle and how it needs to be in good condition for a woman to really enjoy SF.

Thank you so much for answering that question, Longway!! There are several used books for sale on Amazon. Ironically, the cheapest is a used hardback for $10.00. I found it here: http://www.amazon.com/Womans-orgasm..._0?ie=UTF8&qid=1325448399&sr=8-1

LongWayFromHome & MelodyLane - thanks so much for that info - book is ordered! Also re-ordered LoveBusters as I think my other order must have got lost.

Update

I have completed Day 12 of the Sexual Aversion exercises. I am done with Step 2 at last! I move on to Step 3 this evening. This is the step where I have to think about having sex with my husband-while he is in the room (15 minute exercise). Obviously, Ineed his co-operation for this step. He is very willing to do whatever I need. I am actually hopeful for the first time that I can conquer this issue! Still recording everything in my journal.

Our UA time has been good and now that I am done with work for a while we will have significant chunks of time to spend together.

Doing better with my LoveBusters today.

We POJA'd weaning the toddler and have tabled weaning the babies for now as H is not on board with this at this time.

Also POJA'd bedrooms and have come up with a temporary solution until the downstairs bedrooms can be completed. Toddler Boy has moved in with his older brothers and babies have their portable cribs moved in with D15. Will take several months for the work to be done-then we will juggle bedrooms again.

We have several people coming tomorrow to interview for the Nanny/Housekeeper.

Plan to POJA the birth control issues this evening-throw up a prayer for me if you are so inclined!

We are doing well with the POJA-I think this is really helping my husband to feel heard in our marriage.

Thanks everyone for all the help and input.

RC

Bravo to you!! I am so proud of how well you have grasped this program! You are a much, much faster learner than me...

Are you happy with the set up of your bedroom? Is it a nice place with a comfortable bed that both you and your husband enjoy?

A magic moment for NGB and I was fueled by a segment of "The Vagina Monologues" called "Because He Liked to Look at It."
The moment happened because in that instance, somehow, my wife was able to view herself through my eyes.

Now, considering where you are in your SA exercises, the time probably isn't proper, but it may be worth considering later. You can find a reading of it on Youtube, view ot, and decide when you are ready to share it with your husband.

HoldHerHand - Thank you so much for the information-I will be looking into it shortly.

MelodyLane - Thank you for your support. Don't give me too much credit yet though... I still haven't eliminated my LB's to H plus I am not yet meeting his top 2 ENs (sex & affection).
Yes, we are enjoying having the bedroom to ourselves (most of the time anyway). It has been 15 years since we have aways had the children in bed with us.

I have now completed Day 15 of the Sexual Aversion exercises.
This step is difficult for me - trying to think about sex while H is in the same room produces lots of anxiety. Using the relaxation techniques and writing in my journal..

Well POJA'ing the birth control issue turned out to be easy. H apologized for not following through and called to make an appt for the consult. I asked if he was sure about it and he said he was, so I am very happy.

No Nanny yet-all the applicants were too young (despite the fact I put "mature" in the Ad). We are going to re-post and see what happens.

POJA'd my clothing choices today-that was somewhat heated and stressful!

Our UA time is still going well.
H has stated he is feeling like he needs physical touch from me-even though we both agreed we would not do this until I was done with the Sexual Aversion exercises. He said he will go and get a massage at the health club tomorrow and then maybe we can discuss/rehash our agreement about touch.
I am not sure how to proceed with this issue. I have such a negative feed-back loop going on with affectionate/sexual touch that I am hesitant to go there at this point.

Anyway, moving along pretty well with the program-just wanted to give everyone an update.

RC

Credit is to be given where credit is due, RC.

You could design a thousand different reasons to not even attempt to meet your husband's needs.

Instead, you are here, you are actively implementing plans to improve your marriage, and you are taking responsibility for yourself and your actions as they pertain to your marriage.

And it sounds like you are beginning to reap rewards, as will your husband, and thus your marriage.

Don't be so quick to dismissed a deserved pat on the back.

PS - dear predictive text... Sometime I hate you...

RC, good job! I like that you are being very careful about the nanny. It would be a disaster to have an attractive woman in your home with a sex starved husband!


Keep in mind that if you get stuck here, you can always email Dr Harley on the radio show and he will help you over the bumps. I imagine it is difficult and am hoping your anxiety leaves soon.

Keep up the good work!

HoldHerHand & MelodyLane - Thanks for the encouragement.

Well H & I have renegotiated the no touch agreement that we made when I began the Sexual Aversion exercises. We did this last night and it was an exhausting POJA session.
We have now agreed that affectionate touch is ok during this time. This means I will be able to meet H's # 2 EN. He gave me detailed instructions on his EN questionaire as to how he would like this need to be met. I was able to change his mind about getting massages at the health club.
All of our UA time must be working-2 weeks ago I would have been afraid to touch him. Now, I am not. It helps, of course, that I know it will not lead to sex... but one step at a time.
Anyway, I am feeling very positive about this. We have finished HNHN and I really do want to become am expert at meeting his needs. He is doing an excellent job of meeting mine (well most of them). I think I can do this!
Thanks for reading along-just rambling today really.

LoveBusters & the orgasm book have arrived and H has picked out a couple of books about sex to put on our Nooks that we can read together when I am comfortable with the idea.

H just got an e-mail from an older lady at our church who is interested in the job! He will meet with her this afternoon.

Off to get in some UA time before the day gets away from us.

RC

RC, that is a major breakthrough that you feel ready to try affection! Please let us know what you think about the sex books. I know others here would benefit from reading such a book.

Keep up the good work, friend!

Great job RC! I gotta get my wife a copy of that orgasm book. But I just wanted to chime in here for your Hubbys benefit. I had a vasectomy and let me tell you .. the anticipation of getting it done was FAR FAR Worse than the actual procedure. I was in and out in like 20mins and there was not stitches .. or anything. A tad uncomfortable .. embarassing ... BUT was totally worth it. Infact i had myself all worked up looking up procedures online .. i almost passed out watching it done on vid ... BUT like I said .. the procedure was surprisingly not that bad. Sorry to be blunt .. but the pain during the procedure was no more than say a mosquito bite and a dull ache for a few moments. I did it on a Friday .. and was back in "business" by monday. It will feel uncomfortable for those few days ... but i just distracted myself on the computer with a few games .. and my wife had me sit on a bag of frozen veggies for a day and all was well. If you have ever had a filling done to your teeth ... thats worse than getting a vasectomy.

Hopefully that helps ease your hubbies anxiety about it if he has any.

MNG

MrNiceGuy - thank you so much for that information-H found it very helpful. He has his consult tomorrow, then will schedule the procedure.

MelodyLane - I will be sure and let you know what I think of the book-haven't got to it yet as we wanted to read LoveBusters first. We are half way through it so far.

Update

I have completed Day 20 of the Sexual Aversion exercises. I am still on Step 3, but am having much less stress and anxiety now. I am getting pretty good at using the relaxation techniques to control my anxiety. Had a sort of breakthrough in my thought processes this weekend while recording in my journal. I had assumed that the first feeling of tension that then led to anxiety were directly connected and stemmed from my fears (of sex with my H). However after paying close attention to each feeling and how my body reacts, I now believe that the feeling of tension is actually a reaction to sexual arousal (at least for me in this current step). I automatically jump from tension to anxiety...I am actually afraid of my own arousal, I think. Wow! That would explain a lot. So -trying to jump in with the relaxation techniques as soon as I feel the tension.
Anyway, still learning, observing and recording.

We are getting in lots of UA time and with being able to do affectionate touch we are both really feeling the difference.
H is so much more relaxed and easy going now that his need for affection is being met-and he is just generally much happier.
Now that we are reading LoveBusters, I am better about catching myself and responding approppriately (and promptly) when H points out my LBs. The kids have even caught on to this! ("Mommy it's direspectful to talk to Daddy like that")

The children are doing well with the new sleeping arrangements and I am almost done weaning Toddler Boy.
We have a Nanny/Housekeeper starting part time next week. She will go full time when I go back to work.
Still exploring job options for myself-have an appointment on Wednesday to discuss a possible teaching position that would be less hours (but less pay too).

Thanks for all the help and advice.

RC

RC - I am glad my description of my experience was helpful to your hubby, i was afraid it might not be .. but posted anyways.

Great job! keep up the good work!

Update

I have completed Day 27 of the Sexual Aversion exercises and I am on Step 5 at last We have not actually progressed to intercourse, but we are doing touching and relaxation exercises together.

It seems like I took forever to get to this point. Then again I have nothing to compare it to-I was never able to find an account of anyone else going through these exercises.

We have a plan for when we are able to be intimate. H is writing out a very detailed set of instructions for me on his ENQ (just like he did for me for Affection). We decided that, at first I will be the one to initiate-and I will follow his written instructions for specifics (how, how often, etc). We feel this is best for us given my history of negative feedback loops with affectionate/sexual touch. After initiating, once I have reached sexual arousal, then H will take charge from there.

If this all sounds a ittle clinical, it is because I am pretty clueless in this area. Our sex life up to now has been very limited. I know that at forst I will feel awkward and embarrased, but I have learned enough from the Sexual Aversion exercises to know that there is a difference between feeling awkward and feeling anxious. Plus I have the tools now to resolve issues as they arise.

H is getting the snip done tomorrow. This means so much to me - that he is willing to do this. Thanks to everyone who has weighed in on this with the helpful comments for him.

We have been consistently getting 20 hours minimum UA time-sometimes 25 per week. That is paying off for sure in building our relationship. I am doing better with my LB's and we are both doing a good job of meeting each other's needs.

Toddler Boy is now weaned, so just nursing the babies-will probably continue that for another 6 months
Everyone is settled into the new (temporary) sleeping arrangements.

Nanny didn't work out, so we are posting a new Ad for household help-to clean,run errands etc -we shall see if that will work better.

I have been offerred a new job with a lot less hours, but a lot less money-we have to POJA this-probably this coming weekend.

Thanks for listening!

RC