Former MB success story.

Now I'm just ... defeated.

I had an emotional affair.

Started out as friendly chat messages that turned flirty, that turned into something near cyber/sexting I guess. Felt guilty and told my husband. Ended it.

Pretty much went downhill from there. Couldn't stop thinking about the way I felt when someone else wanted me.

I am still friends with the other person. Husband knows I am friends with him but doesn't know he is the one I had the (one-sided) EA with.

Hating life.

Not expecting sympathy here. Just saying ... I wasn't looking for it. I knew hubby and I had problems and I was trying to work on them but that was also a one-sided battle. This came at me out of nowhere. :l

Hi FMAL, welcome back to MB,

What was your former posting name? was there a previous thread? Were you engaged in an affair previously?

If you are a former MB success, you know that you must end contact for life. Write a no contact letter ASAP. It sounds as if you've never put EP's properly in place. Have you done that yet? You need to come completely clean with your H. You will never recover if there is still contact.

CV

I came here at the end of my first marriage, years ago. No affairs, but it was too late; beyond saving. I used MB concepts to get thru my divorce sane, was single for a good while, and have been happily married to a great man for 5 years. He meets all of my needs, except for SF, and we have talked many, many, many times about that, to no avail.

I have done so much to try and get my husband's attention, in vain. I don't want anyone else. I WANT HIM to want me. But in the absence of that, I just can't shake off the "crush" on the OP. Guess it was more of a fling than an affair, not to downplay it but it was very brief and not very serious. It has been many months, and the memories just won't fade. I feel guilty because I know how much it hurt my husband to hear that I had sexual fantasies about another man.

I honestly cannot end all contact with the OP for reasons I can't really go into, but I assure you there is nothing coming from his side; it's just the memory of having someone WANT me that I am having a hard time filing away. He no longer sends messages of any kind of sexual nature. We see each other on a regular basis because of the group of people we are both associated with. It's not awkward, thankfully. This person is a friend, and in a group of close friends I simply cannot just walk away from.

Isn't it always complicated? :l

You are gravely mistaken.


If you believe this, then you do not understand the Love Bank.

What was your former posting name?

How can we help you?

I don't know HOW you can help, honestly. I can't figure out how to stop having lustful thoughts, memories of tempting things said.

This person is not just my friend and a friend of friends, but a friend of family and isn't just going away. It's up to ME to make the memories go away and I don't know how.

These texts were from almost a year ago now. I know I'm in the wrong for responding, back then, but when I felt very unwanted, was vulnerable, and someone came at me unexpectedly with very attractive offers of attention, I became addicted to the feeling. It was an intoxicating fantasy. But I felt so guilty about the thoughts, I had to end it and tell my husband. Had to. :l

Since then, I have been alone with this person, and nothing happened. I don't worry about anything happening in the future. I am comfortable being alone with him; there is no talk of those old messages. That said, I don't make it a habit to be alone with him... there are usually lots of other mutual friends around.

For him I think it was just a "for kicks" thing. We have talked many times about different women he likes. He is charming and outgoing and has lots of female company; I was just a brief blip on his radar. It had more of an effect on ME than I ever imagined it would.

I'm not worried about future involvement, only about refocusing on my husband, who I love very much and who has just become more detached since I came clean with my admission that I'd had these sexual conversations. Thought I was doing the right thing there, being honest, but it sure hasn't helped our sex life. For years I have come at the problem from all angles. His drive is simply ... faint.


I haven't been here in years; I don't remember the old username and password.

Very slippery slope you are treading here.

It IS possible to end all contact, you just have to do it. If some family member asks why, be honest. Your lustful thoughts are never going to end as long as you see this man. If you want your marriage to work, you will do what needs to be done.

Has you BH been to a doctor to discuss this issue. Could be low testosterone levels.

As far as him pulling further away, we choose the consequences when we choose the behavior.

mfal,

There are many ways MB can help you ---- if you listen and apply the principles.

1. Be honest with your husband. Right now, he is unaware of who your EA was with. Your continuing interactions with OM in front of your H is an insult to your H.

2. End ALL contact with OM. Never see or speak with him again. This is step one to implementation of MB. Your reluctance to ending contact shows you lack of commitment to your marriage and disregard for your husband's feelings. Your assertion that this is impossible is merely an excure. Of course, it is possible if you decide to never see or speak with OM again.

3. Expose your feelings to friends and family. It tells them WHY you cannot have contact with this OP.

4. Restore your marriage by building a romantic relationship with your husband. Use the MB program to meet each other's critical emotional needs and to avoid lovebusters.



AM

Welcome back, mfal, I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well for you. But there are things you can do that will help.

You know the MB concepts, so you can argue your point forever and nothing will change: you have to be honest with your H, and you have to have NC with OM for life.

You confessed the conversations to your H, but you didn't disclose OM's identity. You need to tell your H who OM is.

This is at odds with something you said in your first post: And that's how fast it can happen. So you absolutely SHOULD be worried about future involvement and should take the necessary precautions to ensure that there is no way it can happen again. That will only be ensured by NO CONTACT for life with OM.

Telling your H will serve a few purposes: he will understand why the two of you are no longer in contact with OM, and will be able to help you stay on the straight and narrow so you don't slip again.

We hear this a lot, and have never seen a situation where that is really the case. The only one I can imagine would be a poster who was conjoined physically with the OP and couldn't be surgically removed. And we haven't had any conjoined posters here that I'm aware of.

I'm aware of this.


I've asked him to, dozens of times.


Thanks for emphasizing that my husbands lack of interest in me is my fault. I haven't felt that way for years or anything. :l

Sorry for the sarcasm, but its a touchy subject. I am attractive, fit and sexy. I never "let myself go" or nag. I am a damn good wife. I meet HIS needs. To heck with mine, eh?

I made a mistake. Plenty of men have expressed interest. Only once have I been so foolish as to let the conversation continue to the point where my errant thoughts became ... detailed.

It's not when I'm with or around the OP that I have these thoughts ... it is when I'm alone and sorely neglected. It's in the shower. It's in the bed alone while my DH is awake playing a computer game, but comes to bed "too tired" ... it's when I wake up next to my husband in the night wishing I'd had sex in the past month so I could freakin' sleep. :l

There are times when I have considered this, but it would hurt other people. I don't see it being worth the collateral damage.


I'm sure you do hear it a lot, but the fact is we ARE going to be at the same places at the same time and no I cannot change that. Not without picking up and moving my entire extended family across the country. Seems a pretty lofty endeavor to deal with a few naughty thoughts.


This is what I'm trying. I need him on board. So far, not so good.

You don't understand. Something did happen. Your brain experiences a contrast effect when you are with this other person or even think about him. This is why things are not getting better for you.

Even if there is never a "resumption of the affair," your subconscious is still having one, whether you are aware of it or not.

This is why no contact is essential.

Thank you.


Because of the nature of our other friends and familys acquaintance with this person, I didn't think that would be a good idea. So I have already once denied to DH that it was him. I have been working at rebuilding trust with DH for so long, that the idea of admitting to that lie is ... intimidating.



I do understand what you're saying.

Might I also say, that I've had lustful private thoughts about Johnny Depp, but haven't thrown out our DVD collection? I mean ... it's just ... it would be very, very difficult to erase all traces of this OP from our lives. Very.



Thanks for the smile. They've been hard to come by lately. (:

Has there never been a case where the WW absolutely cannot reasonably commit to a "no contact" agreement and things get better?

I don't want a physical relationship with him.

I don't want an emotional relationship with him.

I just want to stop thinking about sex with anyone other than my husband. In fact, I'd really like to stop thinking about sex WITH my husband all the time, since it isn't happening. I'm 40 and I pretty much want sex all the time and with everybody. Okay, it's not quite that bad, but my sex drive is in HIGH and his is idling. Is there any way to focus on that little problem? :l

Here is the cause of the lustful thoughts and the memories:


You are causing this problem.

It is not true that "nothing happened." What happened is that love bank units were deposited. They are the very same love bank units many of us are using to turn our marriages around. They make gradual, imperceptible changes at first, until they have an effect. They inevitably build up, whether you are married to the person depositing them or not.


You can't do it if you keep causing them. You'll have to stop causing them.


This is not a reason to continue contact and keep the lust and memories going and ruin your marriage. Many people here have been in exactly that situation. Some people have had their spouses cheat with their own sibling. The solution in all cases is no contact with a former affair partner FOR LIFE.

There is no other way.

Dr. Harley says most people who have had an affair have to move if they want to recover.


"A few naughty thoughts" is a way to try to say that your affair isn't so bad.

You won't be able to solve the problem as long as you try to talk about it as if it is not really so bad.

That is correct, there never has.

Dr. Harley has been a clinical psychologist for forty years with a specialty in infidelity. He says that recovery is an extremely narrow path. You can't modify the plan, or it won't work.


Yes, the tools to get the sex you need in marriage are here on this site, and we can help you and your husband get through them.

Trying to change your emotional needs is not really possible, and not productive.

The fact that it is difficult means that you are hoping to find a way to make it possible without doing it, because you don't want to expend the effort to do something that is difficult.

You are worried your husband will not agree with this course of action. You have decided UNILATERALLY what plan of recovery you want to follow, without his input.

That kind of unilateral decision is not marriage.

Maybe emotional affair was the wrong way to put it. I had thoughts about a physical affair. I didn't ever want to leave my husband. I never dreamed of a new life with this person. I just thought about sex with someone else. And continue to think about it. Whether it is someone I know or not. Someone famous. Someone I saw in a commercial. The only difference is, this person once sent me sexual text messages. Not quite the same as my brother in law sending crude sexual jokes, but not a whole lot different either.

Can't go back and change what happened. Just want to move on. But I am not willing to leave behind my entire life here just because of some dirty fantasies. If it wasn't him, it would be someone else, as long as my needs are not being met. I'm not going to move every time I lust after someone I shouldn't.

Going back to step one and sharing the Basic Needs stuff with hubby... see if I can't get him to understand that neglecting my needs is not a great path to continue along. Thought what happened last spring would be a wake-up call.

MFal,

Started out as friendly chat messages that turned flirty, that turned into something near cyber/sexting I guess. Felt guilty and told my husband. Ended it.

If I am reading this correctly OM was not a passive participant who was unaware of your attraction to him. It is cruel to have this person in your husbands life acting like a friend when the OM knows he has you under his spell. Your attraction to this OM is eating away at the quality of your marriage like an acid.

God Bless
Gamma

\


Of course not. It hasn't worked for you, has it? Contact has to be ended and everyone should know about your affair. Is this bum married too?

The first and only way to recover your marriage is to end all contact for life with the OM. There is no other way, because recovery is impossible unless you take this first step.