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Did you have an affair in your last marriage too? Is that why your marriage broke up? I did not. I was physically abused. Did you have an affair in the last marriage? I really don't know how many other ways to say no, I did not.
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I have male friends. Always have. Several close ones, who nothing has EVER happened with, and nothing will, who are flirty and joke around and make me feel attractive, without making me feel like they are a threat. Are they all emotional affairs, because they are meeting needs that my husband refuses to? Did you learn absolutely nothing from your current affair? Your affair started as a "friendship" and you are saying that opposite sex friendships are safe? Are you kidding? You have direct evidence this is not true. This is just more evidence of sloppy boundaries. You already KNOW this is how affairs start. I have always, always, ALWAYS had male friends. I have not had a problem with cheating since before my first marriage. Between ages 18 and 20, I'd get cheated on, I'd cheat on the next guy, I'd get cheated on, etc. Then I was married for 8 years. No cheating. Then I was divorced, and remarried. No cheating in all that time. The sexual texts were a brief thing a while ago. I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there. Lots of people do, without issue. I'm that kind of person. I haven't had a problem with wanting any more to come of it. So sez the person who just got hit by a car "I have always played in the road and I even do it with my H watching!!"  Do you truly not see how crazy and fogged out your statements are? You are having an affair BECAUSE OF your sloppy boundaries around men and you are trying to convince us that your sloppy boundaries are..................safe.  That is NUTS. No one is ever going to look at this from the perspective I have on it. I have ONE FRIEND who I've been able to come clean with. She just doesn't know how to help me. That is because you are fogged out and are the LEAST objective person on this thread. Your thinking process is being fogged out by your affair is extremely crazy to the outside observer. You are about as rational as a falling down drunk.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My POV is not that I'm having an affair. I had an affair. Even if it was only sexual thoughts about another person. It has been LONG OVER. As long as you are still in touch with your OM is not over. I have already TOLD my husband. About the messages and the thoughts. This is a lie. He has not been told the full truth. What I need, is help preventing another. WE are telling you but you are not listening.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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To be fair, I DID tell my husband I was receiving and sending sexual texts and chat messages. I HAVE shared in detail my high sex drive. We do talk about women he thinks are "hot" and men and women I think are "hot" as well. I would do anything to make DH want me sexually. Have tried many, many things. In other words, she is still lying to the man. How is that "fair" to lie to your husband? The truth is that you are having an AFFAIR and your H needs all the facts and names. You haven't told him crap. You are confusing me greatly. This sexting took place last April. I felt guilty. I ended it. I told my husband. There is not much more I could have possibly done. Other than move far away from friends, family, job and school. I guess that's the only advice for saving my marriage I'm going to get here.
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I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there. Wow, that is incredibly disrespectful to your H. How embarrassing for him to watch his wife coming on to other men...with everyone else watching also. This must be a huge turn off for him.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Mfal,
You are confusing me greatly. This sexting took place last April. I felt guilty. I ended it. I told my husband. There is not much more I could have possibly done.
Except, you told your friend what happened and have not told your H as much as you told your friend, no one should have greater intimacy with you then your H has. I know that my W confided in a friend of hers details about her affair she has never told me and it's painful. Your H needs to know who OM is.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 01/11/12 12:01 PM.
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[
You are confusing me greatly. This sexting took place last April. I felt guilty. I ended it. I told my husband. There is not much more I could have possibly done.
Other than move far away from friends, family, job and school. I guess that's the only advice for saving my marriage I'm going to get here. You are confused because you are so fogged out. If you want to save your marriage, here are the steps. And how stupid is it to maintain opposite sex friendships, with flirting, when you KNOW you are vulnerable? : 1. tell your husband about your affair along with the NAME of the scumbum - he needs to know who the fox in the henhouse is 2. tell your kids, friends and family members 3. send the OM a no contact letter and commit to no contact for life 4. affair proof your marriage by acting like a married person instead of an alley cat in heat. STOP flirting, end your opposite sex friendships, delete facebook, become transparent 5. Move away if necessary to avoid contact with the OM 6. commit to actually USING the MB program and creating a safe marriage where your needs are met THAT is what it will take to save your marriage. You have no right to withhold the identity of this loser from your husband. Your H also needs to sign up on the board so we can help him establish some boundaries. You are dangerous!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Other than move far away from friends, family, job and school. I guess that's the only advice for saving my marriage I'm going to get here. Please bear in mind that you're viewing this situation as one who is basically on the edge of that slippery slope into infidelity, and you're discussing it with persons who have either fallen down that slope and regretted it, or ended up suffering as a result of their spouse choosing to do the same. Our perspective is quite different, and we have a much clearer view of the type of behaviour that places persons onto that slope in the first place. So yes, some of the advice might seem harsh and draconian, but consider the perspective of the persons providing it.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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"In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mfal --
I'm baffled. When you told your husband about the texts -- HE DIDN'T ASK YOU WHO IT WAS? What kind of guy doesn't want to know who is threatening his marriage? What kind of guy doesn't want to protect his wife?
MFAL -- you must get the message through to your husband that one of your primary needs is not being met - and it is threatening your happiness and marriage. It is your responsibility to be open and honest about that...
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Very slippery slope you are treading here. I'm aware of this. Has you BH been to a doctor to discuss this issue. Could be low testosterone levels. I've asked him to, dozens of times. As far as him pulling further away, we choose the consequences when we choose the behavior. Thanks for emphasizing that my husbands lack of interest in me is my fault. I haven't felt that way for years or anything. :l I never said his lack of interest is all your fault, I said his further pulling away since your admission is.Sorry for the sarcasm, but its a touchy subject. I am attractive, fit and sexy. I never "let myself go" or nag. I am a damn good wife. I meet HIS needs. To heck with mine, eh? No, your needs are important and need to be met. Not by looking outside of the marriage, however. Your husband and you have issues that need to be dealt with.I made a mistake. Plenty of men have expressed interest. Only once have I been so foolish as to let the conversation continue to the point where my errant thoughts became ... detailed. Well ain't you just grand for having only "slipped" once. It's called justifying and minimizing. It's not when I'm with or around the OP that I have these thoughts ... it is when I'm alone and sorely neglected. It's in the shower. It's in the bed alone while my DH is awake playing a computer game, but comes to bed "too tired" ... it's when I wake up next to my husband in the night wishing I'd had sex in the past month so I could freakin' sleep. :l Again, it is impossible to heal this as long as you still see the OM. You came asking for help, please accept it.
BH-51
FWW-39
6 month EA
4 fantastic kids.
Happily Recovered
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I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there. Wow, that is incredibly disrespectful to your H. How embarrassing for him to watch his wife coming on to other men...with everyone else watching also. This must be a huge turn off for him. Flirting isn't unnatural or dirty. He flirts as well. We were both like this before marriage, and it has never been an issue.
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Except, you told your friend what happened and have not told your H as much as you told your friend, no one should have greater intimacy with you then your H has. I know that my W confided in a friend of hers details about her affair she has never told me and it's painful. Your H needs to know who OM is.
God Bless
Gamma I've never had a friend closer than my husband before we started to have these problems with SF. Talking to him about it seemed to fall on deaf ears. This friend is a mutual friend of ours, his friend before she became mine. There is always more to the story, and it would hurt other people more than it would help if this person's identity were discovered. I messed up, but I don't have to mess up a bunch of other people's lives just to try and salvage my marriage. I would honestly rather it ended than to hurt the people who would be hurt. No one wants that. My mistake; my burden.
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I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there. Wow, that is incredibly disrespectful to your H. How embarrassing for him to watch his wife coming on to other men...with everyone else watching also. This must be a huge turn off for him. Flirting isn't unnatural or dirty. He flirts as well. We were both like this before marriage, and it has never been an issue. Flirting is a form of COURTING. It is an issue. And it is inappropriate for married people.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there. Wow, that is incredibly disrespectful to your H. How embarrassing for him to watch his wife coming on to other men...with everyone else watching also. This must be a huge turn off for him. Flirting isn't unnatural or dirty. He flirts as well. We were both like this before marriage, and it has never been an issue. It is poor boundaries and leads to affairs. Who wants to be married to a playboy(girl)?
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Except, you told your friend what happened and have not told your H as much as you told your friend, no one should have greater intimacy with you then your H has. I know that my W confided in a friend of hers details about her affair she has never told me and it's painful. Your H needs to know who OM is.
God Bless
Gamma I've never had a friend closer than my husband before we started to have these problems with SF. Talking to him about it seemed to fall on deaf ears. This friend is a mutual friend of ours, his friend before she became mine. There is always more to the story, and it would hurt other people more than it would help if this person's identity were discovered. I messed up, but I don't have to mess up a bunch of other people's lives just to try and salvage my marriage. I would honestly rather it ended than to hurt the people who would be hurt. No one wants that. My mistake; my burden. Lying to your husband about the identity of your OM is harmful and hurtful to your marriage. And yes, you did hurt people by having an affair. The solution is not more lying. Honesty is the solution. This is information about your husbands life that he has a RIGHT TO KNOW. You have no right to withhold it from him. He has to know so he can protect himself from you and the OM.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Please bear in mind that you're viewing this situation as one who is basically on the edge of that slippery slope into infidelity, and you're discussing it with persons who have either fallen down that slope and regretted it, or ended up suffering as a result of their spouse choosing to do the same. Our perspective is quite different, and we have a much clearer view of the type of behaviour that places persons onto that slope in the first place. So yes, some of the advice might seem harsh and draconian, but consider the perspective of the persons providing it. I do understand that. I never expected sympathy. But I feel I would be in a better position to receive help if I had simply gone to the main forum and asked about how I could possibly get my husband to start recognizing and meeting my emotional need for SF. Radical honesty has burned me many, many times. I have felt nothing but regret for telling him about the texts. It hurt more than it helped. But it had to be done.
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I do understand that. I never expected sympathy. But I feel I would be in a better position to receive help if I had simply gone to the main forum and asked about how I could possibly get my husband to start recognizing and meeting my emotional need for SF.
Radical honesty has burned me many, many times. I have felt nothing but regret for telling him about the texts. It hurt more than it helped. But it had to be done. It is your lack of honesty that is harming your marriage. As long as you continue to lie to your husband, intimacy will never be attainable. You have a very wayward mindset that believes in dishonesty. A marriage cannot survive based on a foundation of dishonesty.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mfal --
I'm baffled. When you told your husband about the texts -- HE DIDN'T ASK YOU WHO IT WAS? What kind of guy doesn't want to know who is threatening his marriage? What kind of guy doesn't want to protect his wife?
MFAL -- you must get the message through to your husband that one of your primary needs is not being met - and it is threatening your happiness and marriage. It is your responsibility to be open and honest about that... He did ask who. I did not want to say. Months later, he asked if it was OP, and I denied it. Why? Because it would hurt many, many people for that detail to come out, and I'm unwilling to hurt those people for MY MISTAKE. I have been extremely open in communicating my needs to him. He is in a fog of his own.
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[
Radical honesty has burned me many, many times. I have felt nothing but regret for telling him about the texts. It hurt more than it helped. But it had to be done. ] What a load of crap. You were not honest. You told him a glossed over, minimized story to assauge your guilt. You didn't tell him the truth. Your lies have harmed your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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