Thank you NB28.

I feel a little bit like I'm being told to change everything about myself, and stop seeing everyone in my closest friend groups, and then maybe it's possible to save my marriage.

I know his depression is a huge issue that I can't fix, and I know it's not all due to me. I know the other serious factors involved that have nothing to do with me. Feeling a little beaten down by the accusations that my actions, though nothing new, are the cause of our latest problems.

Just want my husband back.

Having an affair and sexting with other men is not "fun, playful, silly and not serious." It is despicable behavior for a married woman. Affairs are very serious and this is part of the loose, promiscuous behavior that would define an alley cat in heat. You have very poor boundaries around men and that is why you find yourself in another affair.

You know your behavior is shameful, which is why you have lied about it to your husband. He doesn't know about your affair or who it is with.

There is nothing we can tell you that can overcome your dishonesty and your loose boundaries. You are just a walking affair who openly and flagrantly courts other men. Your behavior is destructive to marriages.

Give us a break with the "woe is me" game. We're telling you to stop cheating on your husband and be honest with him.


Ok, I get it. This what you want to hear:

mfal, this is all your husband's fault and you bear no responsibility in any of this.

Feel better now? No? That didn't fix it? Well, then, I guess you do have some cleanup to do on your side of the street.


Then start acting like it and be honest for once.

EXACTLY. You must make major changes in order to have a good marriage. Your behavior is the most serious problem in your marriage. Blaming your husband will not solve your marriage problems.

Dishonesty, adultery, blameshifting, inappropriate boundaries around men are all DESTRUCTIVE behaviors in marriage. You are on your second affair - that we know of - yet you have learned nothing. You continue to blame your spouse for your own despicable behavior.

Do you ever learn from your mistakes? EVER?

mfal, you came here looking for help. The crux of your problem just can't be put any more simply or succinctly than what ML posted here.

Of course you have to change if you want your marriage to change. Isn't that obvious?

Flirting is not the same thing as having an affair. Flirting is flirting. Being playful and friendly. Being myself. It's not lap dances, for crying out loud.


Half true, half false.


This is your opinion and all you will ever see me as. Doesn't make it true.

Do you have anything constructive to add? No one else has been half as eager to make me feel worse. I'm here because I know there is a problem.

Since then, I have been alone with this person, and nothing happened. I don't worry about anything happening in the future. I am comfortable being alone with him; there is no talk of those old messages.


You should feel uncomfortable when around him, this is a red flag that things might get more and more comfortable as you spend more time around each other. Stop contact.

Would you rather be right, or happy?

I have never seen anything good out of these discussions where someone comes looking for help and then spends all their time trying to convince other posters of something. If you have a differing view, what's it to you if others think otherwise? Why the deep need to convince them to see things your way?

Would you rather be right, or happy?

I feel like no one cares to read what I am actually saying, just how it makes them feel.

1. I'm not still in an affair.

(I'm sure everyone says that. Don't see how it's possible, since that ended last April, but okay. My foggy opinion is that I'm not still in an affair. He doesn't want me. I don't want him.)

2. I'm not blaming my husband. I'm looking for HELP.

3. The sexting was a huge mistake. I can't take it back.

4. It makes no sense for me to become someone else. Then I'm just lying to myself for the rest of my life.

I tried to become what my ex wanted. I was miserable. It was never good enough. When that ended, I made the choice to just be me. My husband fell in love with ME being ME.

We are closer since I disclosed the sexting, but his lack of a sex drive is still an issue. I didn't change. He did. I'm not blaming. I just want him to be himself again.

And what are you going to do about it?

I want my husband to be happy. I want him to not be on a dozen meds that kill his sex drive. I want him to find a different doctor that doesn't prescribe a new pill every single time he goes in, and actually finds out what's going on with him instead.

I want him to be happy.

Knock it off, mfal. MelodyLane isn't the reason that you feel worse.

You are feeling worse because no one here is validating your reasons for not telling your husband the truth about your affair.


But if you don't want to do anything to change, then why are you here?

Those are all perfectly valid reasons for why he has a low sex drive, but let's not gloss over the elephant in the room here.

So when are you going to tell your husband who you cheated on him with?

Mfal

I'm just curious, how sure are you that your H is not bothered by you flirting?
Have you asked him lately if it has become a problem?

I just wonder because I fell in the mirroring trap many times and wonder if your there right now.

By mirroring trap I mean that when something doesent bother me I assume my H feels the same way about it as I do. That's mirroring how I feel onto H.

So your not bothered by your H flirting. But are you sure he isn't bothered by you flirting? Or just because he doesent actively voice his thoughts on the matter it means that he's ok with it?

From your description of him I don't get the sense that he likes tackling problems and rather sweep them under the carpet instead.

I really think that the first step to help your marriage has to be radical honesty, you will need to tell him exactly what's been going on and he needs to feel safe enough to open up to you about how he sees things.

Yes it is.

flirting (Verb)
Verb:
Behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but without serious intentions: "it amused him to flirt with her".
Experiment with or show a superficial interest in (an idea, activity, or movement) without committing oneself to it seriously.

I have tried to read every word you've posted. I have tried to offer helpful suggestions. So far I don't think you've liked any suggestions that anyone has had for you, and I think you've been trying to make people feel bad for offering suggestions that you don't like.


Please call Dr. Harley, who has solved this problem hundreds of times in his forty-year career. It's free. He can give you a plan, and let you know if, in his professional opinion, further in-person counseling is needed:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

Not a vet here but just wanted to ask, how is it harmless flirting and fun to have your friend send a topless pic to your dh? Are you guys swingers? Your definitions of things are very far off from those of mainstream society, IMO.

This is very true, he is generally a conflict avoider, as am I ... but it is also usually really evident when something is bothering him.

We are going to have to talk tonight. Again. :l

Last time: your refusal to acknowledge the identity of your affair partner is cruel. It shows a complete disregard for your husband. Whether or not he talks to you about it, it hurts him terribly that you withhold this information from him.

He probably knows who it is anyway and lives daily with the knowledge that you put the protection of OM, yourself, and all these "other parties" that could be "hurt" by disclosure, above his protection.

Your behavior toward him is demeaning. You don't get it.

Good luck. You need it.