Everyone talks about a job change. So here are the details. I work 10p -6a. There are five guys on my shift one being my boss who is recently M and is Wesleyan. I am the second oldest person on my shift. The guys are like 4yrs older than my son so that is just creepy to think anything of the sort!
There are two women I work with also. One works part time and I am usually joined at her hip, the other is a year younger.We talk but we haven't clicked.
Everybody but my shift knows my H and we both agree that I honestly don't think that they would cross that line. My work place is a gossip haven and nothing gets by, so that a mighty deterrence.
Finding a decent paying job in our area is beyond difficult. You have to have the right connections and know the right people other wise work is always available at fast food or telemarketing!
IMO this seems to be a non attractive environment to chase men.

You and I both know that a) you are not going to be honest about chasing men at work if the spirit moves you and b) if you do chase men at work, the coworkers will do everything to make sure your husband doesn't find out. So don't try and sell me that crap. I work at a plant and I KNOW OF situtions where a man's wife was sleeping around at work. TO THIS DAY HE DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT IT.

Working with men like you do is a risky environment that ignores the dangers.

The fact that you don't understand this is high risk keeps your marriage at risk. You STILL do not understand the risks and have not made one single move to remove the biggest risk.

The second biggest problem is that you work opposite shifts so you can't sleep together at night and have the spend your off time together. This is the kind of independent lifestyle that leads to affairs. But you already know that...

Second paragraph looks alot like blame shifting to me. Im sure it does to senninpa also

Your lack of boundaries comes from being AROUND MEN. You know under what conditions you are tempted and you haven't changed them. I just don't know how many more ways to say this. You could have an affair with any one of the men you work with. None of the reasons you gave will stop you.

If you want to establish boudaries, you will change your life so you are not around men.. Period.

I moved this to your thread, it's easier to respond here than on mortarmans thread.

Yes, it's the same thing.


Read this ---> Dr. Harley on Admiration


Most waywards have this ranked as their number one or number two most important need.

The issue with most waywards, they allow others to meet this need on a regular basis.

You have seen this in your own life as well.

Your EP's/boundaries are what you put in place to prevent anyone else from meeting this need.

One obvious issue that we see is, you've allowed other men, including the ones you work with, to be in the habit of meeting this need for you and you've come to rely upon your need being met this way. Regrefully this is common for most waywards, but even more of an issue for multiple offending waywards. This is why some posters are pushing you so hard to change jobs, they know from your record that staying in this atmosphere is going to be equivalent to an alcoholic trying to stay sober while working as a bartender.

Does this make sense to you??

Your husband asked me the question about what you needed to do.

I answered him very clearly.


Please read my thread on EP's again.
You're missing some important parts of the equation.

What are you missing??

You still don't see that listing out ALL your EP's is a gift to your husband.... It's part of your "Just Compensation" to him....

Why do I say you are defensive??

Because you still want to argue, instead of thinking about what we ask and just answering the questions in a sincere manner.

That's accurate, and obvious, and why you must incorporate EP's




I hope it's obvious that you are describing yourself.

You have a high need for admiration.




What's sick?

What's sick is allowing men, other than your husband, to meet this need!

Yes, it's emotional adultery every time you let this happen.

Yes, people pleasing & flirting get's your need for admiration met. And Yes, it's also emotional adultery.

Is this making any sense?
Is this clear to you or are you still confused about this in some way?

Please know, I'm not asking these questions in a confrontational manner, they are sincere questions being asked in a calm manner.

I really want to know....

Did you recently read the book, Surviving An Affair?

When was the last time you read the book, HNHN & LB'ers?

It is disturbing that you don't understand that being recently married and being Wesleyan having nothing to do with preventing an affair.

No one said it was a prevention just simply a description.

I have a lot to say but it is too much to try and type on my phone right now. I'm asking you to please do two things. Read my forum "What to do next" and think about how you ripped your husbands soul out more than one time.

I am also a WS. Until you stop making excuses and start making changes, you will never learn. Your husband will only be able to take so much before you break him mentally and emotionally. Or in my case, turns to someone else to deal with the pain.

I was you a month ago, in major denial. I felt horrible for what I had done but did not know how to make the changes with in myself and my marriage. I wanted to blame someone other than myself. You have been given the gift of knowledge, skills, honesty, and perspective from people who have "been there, done that" yet you refuse to listen.

Has anyone close to you ever died? Do you remember how empty you felt inside? How you were not sure if life could go on without them? Everytime you cheated on your husband a part of him died but so did a part of you, the woman he loved and trusted.

Please think about what I am saying. I am not judging you, I was you!

15Y is dead-on:


In my case, it wasn't just my infidelity that broke my H. It was trickle-truth. I fear in yours, it is going to be this continued vagueness to your EPs and excuse-making.

You work with men, and you also say that you "need constant attention." Do you understand why posters here cannot then let your work environment drop?

It doesn't matter who the men are, or how long you have worked with them. Until you make fundamental changes in yourself and how you interact with men, you are not safe for senn.

I have pretty much always worked in male-dominated environments. I always believed I had strong boundaries. My A was not with someone I worked with, but the aftermath has made me hyper-aware of the interactions I have with the opposite sex (as well as made me a pretty good observer of other peoples' interactions). A lot of what you may think is "harmless" is extremely inappropriate and dangerous behavior.

I was absolutely horrible at recovery until I found MB, and even then I had my stumbles. My M has not recovered and likely won't, and I wonder sometimes if my H could have recovered had things happened differently - if he'd found MB and exposed my A in the beginning, if we'd started recovery without my lying to him for months, etc. I'll never know. Obviously, the safest bet would be for me to have never played the wh*re for a man not my husband, but I can go back and change nothing.

You have to get serious about recovery and YOU are going to have to do a lot of heavy lifting. If senn decides you are safe and wants to recover your M, then you won't have to do that heavy lifting forever.

You committed adultery, and you have to bear the consequences of your actions. For you, that may mean finding a new job. Put yourself in my shoes for a sec. If my H came to me today, and told me that he would fully recommit to the M, that he would meet my ENs, that he would look me in the eyes when we made love and kiss me goodbye in the mornings, that he would hold my hand when we say the blessing before meals, on the condition that I quit my job: I would give my two weeks' notice today. Get it?

What is your priority?

If my H came to me today, and told me that he would fully recommit to the M, that he would meet my ENs, that he would look me in the eyes when we made love and kiss me goodbye in the mornings, that he would hold my hand when we say the blessing before meals, on the condition that I quit my job: I would give my two weeks' notice today. Get it?

The issue here is that SPW believes (through bluff, or tears, or from historical experience - after all, this is NOT her first rodeo) that she can extract those conditions from BH without making the concessions. Sadly, SPW is fully inculcated with the "It won't happen to me; I'm special" philosophy in which the full burden of punishment to her has been avoided for years.

So, here's another Good/Bad/Ugly scenario to be resolved:

Good - SPW steps up to her responsibility and leaves her male-infected job.

Bad - SPW does not do what must be done and BH gets disgusted and bails.

Ugly - SPW does not do what must be done and BH hasn't the fortitude to follow through. (This is SPW's hope.)

So, all we can do is advise, watch and record the results.

Folks,

although changing jobs is something we se as a necessity, her BS has said that he will not accept her leaving her job unless she has another job lined up first.

SPW is it IMPOSSIBLE to make the same kind of money you do any where else? Have you and your H brainstormed ALL the alternatives?

I thought I saw on your Hs a thread an idea that he should work with you - what happened to that idea?

Just wanted to note that she has not made any effort whatsoever to change jobs. Or anything else as far as I can see. She doesn't even understand or accept the necessity.

I know Mel, but until her BS asks for this, all we are doing is beating a dead horse....

Good - SPW steps up to her responsibility and leaves her male-infected job.

Bad - SPW does not do what must be done and BH gets disgusted and bails.

Ugly - SPW does not do what must be done and BH hasn't the fortitude to follow through. (This is SPW's hope.)

...BS has said that he will not accept her leaving her job unless she has another job lined up...

UGLY wins yet again! There's a spitload of that going around recently!

But it is not a dead horse. It is an impediment to their recovery. There is no point in discussing anything else if they don't even understand the importance of changing the environment. I don't know what else we would talk about to them if they haven't lifted a finger to take step one. Thats like telling an alcoholic to study the 12 steps while he sits in the bar every day.

They don't GET IT. They still do not comprehend the necessity of changing the environment that led to the affair. I don't see how we can move forward until they GET IT. They don't GET IT.