My H asked to try posting again and talk about what I am feeling. So I here I am.

I am posting since he asked, I am always affectionate towards him (with a blurp here and there) even when he is feeling down. I listen to him tell me how is feeling. I am doing what ever he asks.

He doesn't have to consider staying M. He could tell me to leave now, and I would leave and patiently wait to see if he would want me back.

He is my human rock. I can't function normal without him. I can't make rash decisions. I tend to let my feelings get the best of me. We talk things over and he will help me get a better understanding of people and situations.

I like to make and keep him happy. I want him to be able to feel secure with me.

That is a good first step. But I am concerned when you say things like "when he asks me questions about the OM, I feel like running into his arms." ARe you saying stuff like that to your husband? Because your husband has a right to ask you all the questions he wants. You owe him the answer without threatening him.

Making threats and saying things like that does not help your husband heal.

And what is this about making angry outbursts at him? How does that help SEM heal from your assault?

Yes I tell him how I feel. I am not threatening him. I have nor would I say I will do that. I told him that bringing it up sometimes is like stirring up those feelings that I had.

I did tell him that I felt I could go to the other house for the weekend to give him space, but lost interest in that thought when a coworker inquired about him coming back to work with us.

I don't have many angry out burst, Usually I just shut up and listen, then he will ask if I am listening. I will say yeah. Then he will ask if I have a response. I usually don't know what to say, so I tell him that I understand or if I don't can he help me to understand.

I did something last night that really helped put some things on this site in perspective. I stayed up later than I should have because I found emails from my wife (to me) from right after her affair. over three years ago. Her song and dance hasn't changed. She has demonstrated what I am about to post over the last 3 years. She has modeled the MB wife to me, but more importantly, what a biblical wife is.

She didn't think one thought for OM except for when I brought it up. Not one thought of the A was "good". There was no longing over what she did. The effects of what she had done hit her, just a week into recovery. Here's what she wrote me about 2 months after Dday:



Dearest CV,
It is a hard thing when God shows you the depth of sin your life. It is especially difficult when you've told yourself so many lies. As i have been examining my heart. I am often shocked at what I find. There is a deep, deep sadness each time I realize that I have let fear be my guide instead of trust in the Lord. Out of fear of my own heart, I have allowed deceit to continue by refusing to look at the truth. I am repulsed by my own sin and terrified of losing you. Each time I see a new area of sin that needs to be dealt with I cringe.

I am completely undone by my sin and overwhelmingly ashamed by the depth of wickedness in my heart. None the less, I have a great hope in Christ! A hope that as I surrender each lie (made knowingly or unknowingly) He is conforming me to the image of His likeness. I am so sorry that my sanctification is so painful for you. I pray that you will hold on to the hope that you have in Christ and that He will be your strength to stick it out with me to the end.

I am terribly aware that you have been enduring copious amounts of heart ache because of me and for me. Thank you for upholding your duties as my shepherd and husband. I hope that I have begun to be the Godly wife that you need and deserve. I will not relent in my pursuit of righteousness. I am committed to becoming the wife that God created me to be...your wife...faithful, honest, loving in all ways, upholding and helping.

If you choose to endure with me I promise that you will not regret it.

I love you,
Grace

The reason I post it is simple. Her words and thoughts are forward thinking. She is not reminiscing about the past and what she had with OM(s), her thoughts are for healing and restoration. She is wanting healing and wholeness. What does not show in the letter is her actions. They weren't just words. She DEMONSTRATED what she wrote. She saw the depth of what she did and what the roots of her problems were and actively worked to overcome them.

The problem is that you think what you did had some kind of plus... A benefit to it if you will. Trust me, there wasn't any. All it did was get you to where you are now. Not good. Everything the OM(s) provided you was a lie. Disgusting dirty filthy lies... How could one miss that?

CV

Senn's wife, it is good that you came back to post.


When your H is having the down days, you have to ask him how you can make him feel better, ask him what can you do to make him feel better and then do it. Also, offer some distraction, give him a hug, hold him, make him a coffee/tea/hot chocolate, ask him to come and walk with you. These ACTIONS will HELP him tremendously and also help you to FORGET about this POSOM and forget about your wayward feelings. Keeping yourself busy around your husband can be your way out of the fog, believe me.

Don't tell him you feel like running into the OM's arms. That is cruel and stupid and does nothing to help him recover. If your goal is to help him, then help him. Don't hurt him. Don't discourage him from asking questions. He needs his questions answered without you making manipulative little threats.


Doesn't help your marriage to go away alone - and unwatched - over the weekend. That would do nothing to help him trust you.


Thats good, but that is not what he said. He said you had been having angry outbursts. Hopefully you understand that won't help him heal.

Your right CV is all was a lie. Your wife's letter is beautiful and though I have not wrote it much of what she wrote is what I have told my H.

We usually go to the bedroom and snuggle on his down days or everyday if we can. I do ask him what can I do to help. And yes I do keep myself very Busy. Thanks so much.

Mel,
I have only said it once. and the thought of going over to the other house was a thought I don't think I could have if I wanted to.
As for the angry outburst~ those stupid monthly cycles aren't helping!!!

We just text-ed each other and I told what I was doing and he said" I told you it would help. tehe tehe"

This is where your focus needs to lie for real recovery... Singularly focused on repairing and not how you feel.

Don't they now have medicine for mood swings when "the curse" hits? Might be worth looking into...

CV

My wife uses a medication called, chocolate.

Have you identified what you think you were lacking?

I had no clue where to start until I started coaching with the Harley's and reading everything I could get my hands on from their books and from this site.

Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers was our coach, and a mighty wonderful one I might add... She showed me I was lacking nothing. I just needed a map and some instructions on how to use what I already possessed.

The Marriage Builders Plan was the map and her coaching would give us the instructions.

The first things her coaching led me to study are in this link ----> LINK to articles about "Recovery from an affair"

Read these First FIVE highlighted articles and really study the FIFTH one (Which is; The Four Rules To Guide Marital Recovery After An Affair -->Click HERE ) and I think you may see the things you wish you could go back and explain to yourself if you were able to.

Click the links in the articles after you've read each of them completely and then go back and re-read them again.

If you truly want to recover this marriage, study these, they were part of the road map necessary to build a marriage after infidelity.

I'm sure you already have the ability to care for and protect your husband and your marriage, you've just chosen to not do these things in the past, and now you just need fully engage in the act of using the road map of The MB Program that is now available at your finger tips. Like me, you no longer have an excuse to not do these things!

Good therapy begins with identification of STRENGTHS and building from there.

Bad therapy uses weaknesses and problems like garnishes.
"You're damaged and 'dysfunctional' because (garnish)."

Senn's wife,

From what you have posted here


and from what I read from your husband's thread that when he has his down moments you are argumentative and not nice to him,

I understand that you are lying to the board and still don't have a clue what you've done to your H and that you just don't care about his feelings and well-being whatsoever.

Senninpa's wife,

I posted on your H's thread the same thing I'm going to post to you....

It is YOUR job to protect your Husband from YOUR Lovebusters, and, yes, it's also HIS job to do the same.

Even if he's not nice to you, it's still YOUR job!

Unless recovery is NOT your goal

So it was a bad weekend. H, son and I went for dinner wanted a few groceries, H was too tired, so went home. Came home I was in the mood for soda and there was none so I pouted. I wanted to watch Bronco game H and son were playing PlayStation so I went to bedroom to watch. Got in trouble cause "I was pouting"

Sunday H worked on house while I slept. I got up and need to grocery shop. H & I went shopping. He has a habit of looking at "manly items". That's good and all so I went to grocery isles. H came up asking where my list was and for what ever reason I had already been brewing and I snarled. "on line cause I thought we were shopping else where". H got defensive and said "you never mentioned that." I said "you're right I didn't' continued shopping just getting more perturbed, so he got more perturbed.

I think I just needed a soda fix cause I had calmed down after a few drinks. Went home to make dinner, frozen pizza is fast and while that cooked I made a dip. H got upset cause I was "pissen" around cause he wanted to watch a movie together. Great so did I but I wanted to finish dinner then watch the movie. Tried to make up for the bad evening in the bedroom, BUST.

So I feel like I'm trying. I do EVERYTHING he asks but every time I do I feel like he makes up more rules.

I honestly think that he figured I would have failed the poly and it would have been the "reason" to call it quits. Since it came out better than he expected then he has to come up with more "hoops to jump through" which I am doing. I do this because I want to show him that I will do anything.

Tell me, does it seem ok that the OM's wife will call or text H to ask him how he is doing etc. H did tell her that the letter was in the mail. But it hurts that he can talk to her and I can't.
Or How about that the woman that used to work with H who I was jealous of because he would talk a little about her then quit talking about until the day she got fired happened to be our D day and H told her everything about the A. And that she called him yesterday, but there only friends and that he doesn't think she is attractive.

If I bring this up then I am "taking blame of myself" But I do feel hurt and think that I should be able to talk about it. I didn't know until after my A that she sat on his lap one day and H just "froze" didn't know what to do. And that she offered him sex, H " got white as a ghost" And it's ok for him to talk to her and tell her wants going on.

Do you know other than this site and my mother I haven't told a soul! I have NO ONE to confide in, but he has OM"S wife, a co-worker, an ex-female co-worker and a friend or two.

What I did was wrong, I am not trying to justify myself but I in my heart I felt like I was loosing him in the spring of last year and I have felt jealousy towards this woman I don't know, and a few other women. In my heart I feel like H is hem hawing around on whether he wants to make M work or not.

I am trying and yes I got pissy my mistake but it's hard not to be angry when he is angry over something that isn't worth being angry over!

Senn'sWife,

Remember that horrible roller-coaster of emotions you guys went through after the first time he found out? He's there again. Right now, focus on not having AO's with him and all the boundary issues along with your EP's. Right now he is very sensitive to your emotional responses and has to relearn to control himself. Not making excuses, I'm sure it will be mentioned to him on his thread. My wife didn't have anyone but me to talk to about her A either. In retrospect, I think it was a huge mistake. We should have confided in friends so she had a same-sex friend to talk with about how she was feeling. I would suggest that you talk with someone who is aware of your A that is same sex so you are not feeling like you are just kind of out there by yourself as you work towards recovery.

I'm also sure someone will remind him about confiding in non family opposite sex friendships too.

CV

Have you read the book, Love Busters, by Dr. Harley?

This book teaches couples how to protect each other from behaviors and attitudes that destroys the others love for them.

A must read if you want to recover your marriage!


Have you read the book, His Needs, Her Needs, by Dr. Harley?

This is another MUST READ! This book teaches couples how to care for one another in the ways each spouse loves.


Senninpa's wife,

If you don't start taking some of the lead in this recovery it will never get off the ground.

As a friend once told me, "Get off the pity pot and start doing the things necessary to build a great marriage before you end up just flushing it away".

I'd like to say more, but I don't want to take away from HPB's excellent advice. I strongly encourage you to answer his questions (don't treat them rhetorically), and follow his suggestions for a recovered marriage.

I am encouraged that you are here posting, and I am seeing evidence that you are willing to work on fixing this. There are going to be many, many more changes in your future if you are to fix this. You and he have probably not discovered them all, yet.

You've got one of the best posting to you -- follow his advice!

(HerPapaBear is on my watchlist -- I read all his posts to everybody. I never know when they will help me! )

ok I'm off the pity pot_

I am thinking that my lack of boundaries comes from the Attention I get from men and beings I'm a people pleaser I couldn't bring myself to say "NO" when it went to far.
SO the best way to stop from getting to put up boundaries. Physical boundaries are easy. I have a bubble it no one is allowed near my bubble! But I love to smile. I smile at everyone and everything. Does this action start a ball to roll?

I can say that when I cheated, H was very busy working and I believe I wanted attention but went looking it for it in the wrong direction. So what kind of person needs constant attention? Cause I must thrive on it. Is it possible that I when I seek my H's attention and I feel like I am not getting it that I would go find it w/another man???? God I hope not. this is sick!