WHAT??? A counselor who may actually know what they're doing????

You're lucky, Ll, because that rarely happens. Counselors are usually idiots, and yours still may turn out to be an idiot, but suggesting an NC letter is fantastic of him!

Have him write the letter. You approve it and YOU mail it, or the two of you mail it together. Who cares what that skanky OW thinks? The point of the exercise is for your WH to do this as an act of consideration to you and a declaration of safety for you. Yes, the NC letter would help you feel some closure.

Here's the thing, though: just writing that letter is not enough. He also needs to talk to skanky's husband, the other victim of your WH's selfishness. And he needs to talk to your family members so that everyone in your life understands what YOU are going through. You've already mentioned your isolation - CV is right when he says that other people you know have surely gone through this. Adultery is like molestation - it's the big family secret. But the good news is that it doesn't have to be that way. It is healing and empowering to let your world know what has happened to you, and that you and your H are recovering.

One of the benefits of disclosing the A is so that you can get the 'real time' support you need. I mean, we're good, don't get me wrong - but it's valuable to have a supportive family member or friend who is a phone call away. The other benefit is that it enables a lot of people to keep an eye on your H - this will help keep him accountable. Their disapproval of your H's actions will encourage him to live in such a way as to earn back their respect.

My H's lifelong friend (the best man in our wedding) hit the roof when my H told him about the A. It really humbled my husband. His condemnation of the A was great for us. It showed a lot of support for our marriage and really hit home for my H.

I would like to reemphasize this. my wife's NC letter was (and we did not know about MB at the time) fairly good and met about 80% of the MB substance, but I wanted all kinds of other things in there and "beefed the letter". My advice... Don't do it, just stick to the letter template.

CV

Ll, I just wanted to assure you that this is a very healthy way to live. Removing his methods of contact with the OW are the equivalent of keeping the alcoholic out of the bar. An alcoholic who is serious about staying sober will not mind staying out of the bar. The way you recover a marriage is you remove the conditions that faciliated the affair. For example, if he conducted his affair on the computer, then he should agree to never be on the computer without you, etc, etc.

Affair proofing your marriage is very healthy. Blind trust is very unhealthy and leads to affairs.

Have you PERSONALLY spoken to the OW's husband? Are you certain he knows about the affair?

NC for LIFE includes your entire family...you and kids also. Otherwise, every time you run into OW you will be triggered. It also gives the opportunity for the A to pick up again. Sometimes years later.

I know your WH is stating that he hates her, but he didn't hate her in Nov.

Is NC possible in your current situation?

His alleged feelings of "hate" are meaningless and will not protect your marriage. Only extraordinary precautions will do that. Alcoholics "hate" booze the morning after a bad drunk, but the sting of the last drunk wears off soon enough. It is the same with affairs, his hard feelings will fade into the background.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support, I already feel so much less alone than I did even last night. I feel like after a month I am still in the exact same spot as I was the night I found out. I think you guys may be right about the letter, I do need a sense of closure on that end to even be able to begin to process the feelings of what has occurred!

I am hoping what he says is true, but I have such a hard time trusting him right now (clearly). I just want to be able to look into the future and see that everything will feel ok again someday.....

My husband has told his family and I have informed most of our friends mostly for support, and as for others, I just don't feel like hiding it from them if they are brave enough to ask. I guess I want him to feel embarrassed and judged.

I have personally spoken with the other husband, and unfortunately for him, he didn't provide me with any new details but I seemed to have filled him in on about 90% of the details of the affair. I felt awful seeing the look on his face learning that his wife was still lying as he is a friend too.

You can get through this with a recovered marriage if the two of you follow through on what the vets here tell you to do and with haste. Those that argue for a month before following through actually delay recovery and cause themselves more distress. It sounds like your intuitions are good. Start with the NC letter...have him model the one on MB and post it for the vets here to check out before you send it.

You said it's hard to avoid her in your neighborhood...it's imperative that there is NO CONTACT for LIFE, that may require moving if that's what it takes. You're not going to want your kids in the same school, church, etc. And I want to clarify that none of you work at the same place either. As for their being friends...that's past tense. You will need to do a FULL exposure right away, that means your family, his family, friends, and even your kids. Kids don't need to know over-information but maybe can understand something like this: "Daddy spent time with another woman the way he's only supposed to with Mommy, so now we must make sure they are never together again to protect our marriage and family." If you haven't already, expose to her FBF, messaging one minute apart, and then block her from your FB, husband should have her blocked already. Change email addresses, phone numbers, any other way she can contact either of you. It's important to go completely dark on her. Be wary of any "mutual" friends. If there are any, explain you do not want to hear about her and you do not want anything repeated to her. I would not personally want to keep anyone as a friend that continued a friendship with her not only for moral reasons but to ensure there was nothing being revealed about you and your family to her.

We have no mutual friends, the ones we did have no longer wish to be her friend. Unfortunately our kids are in the same school, so moving is something we are looking at. I have been pretty mean for the past month and my husband has been nothing but kind and supportive (as he should have always been). Se hasn't shown up in public yet because she knows so many people know and dislike her, and that gives me some sick sense of satisfaction. I was hoping that she would move but her husband says he doesn't think they can get out of their house financially so I guess that means we have to look at leaving, which makes me sad because I have so many good friends around here that are so supportive and helping me as much as they can, I'm scared that by leaving then ill feel even more alone and I won't have that "in person" support which has helped me through some of my hardest moments....

Amen to that sister. That is exactly how I felt with the exposure to my own WH.

Llkm2. I think you are still feeling the same way because although time has passed...nothing has really been done to make you feel safe or affair proof your marriage going forward.

Also, never knowing if you will run into OW when you step out and/or actually running into her must also be a huge weight on your shoulders.

This is no way to recover.

The first step is NC for LIFE. This means moving if necessary.

Your WH can EARN back your trust by setting up EP (extra ordinary precaustions.)

NC for life

Complete transparency...computer, phones, etc.

No opposite sex friendships.

No nights apart from you.

Commitment to MB which will teach you both how to rebuild the romantic love.

I understand how hard the prospect of moving is. I had to do it myself. But that was when I "truly" began to recover...when I freed myself and my family from the daily reminders of OW that came from living in the same circle as her. Don't disregard the importance of this step.

I'm sorry you are in this position. Read all you can on this site. MB saved my M and my family.

Thank you very much pokerface. It's comforting to hear that these things have been successful for others.....it gives me hope

I think you have a very good chance at recovering!

I think so too!

MB only works as a whole. You cannot pick and chose parts that are convenient.

I am going to link an article for you. It is long but well worth the time:

Four Rules to Guide
Marital Recovery After an Affair

Thank you guys!

I will check out the article right now

That's an EXCELLENT book, I've recommended it to so many people who've been through this. It's comes across non-judgemental so many WWs are receptive to it, and it just tells you what needs to be done.