Lol, Indie, here's an image just for you.

Is that Sonic?

Or ,"Sonic the headshop" as my younger son at age 4 used to call him. Now that son is 21 next week.

How time flys

Awww!

Love that pic pm!

Got two sorta downers today. I woke up to find the college of my choice had turned me down for the teaching course I need to do. They already had full quota, looks like competition for places is going to be fierce.

To make things worse there is only one other college within miles that would accept an application while i dont have my mathmatics qualification. I dont know how I could aford the travel costs or to move. If I get in. There is another college I could apply for in March when I have my maths result, but places will be gone by then. So I am looking at 2013!

I have a top degree and I cant get a job or a college place - arrgggggggghghghghghghghghghghghgh!!!!!!

Right I am done whining with that one.

The other thing is I heard tody that softlad has left the country. I was expecting this to be like a load off my mind. Actually, no I was expecting it to all be nonsense and him to not have anywhere to go to.

I mean, I cant leave the house without looking perfect in case I run into him. Now, thats gone. I can relax.

However it is just maddening. He has abandons me and our marriage for what? To go somewhere he will probably hate to live.

And he chose contact with HER over me - but now is ditching that in to go abroad? So I was passed over for nothing?

I dont know.

Well, I do. Its all part of his desire to run away from what he has done, a self image he cannot bear to face and a PR campaign which aims to say 'Look I didnt have an affair, I am not having a relationship with her - else why would I go away?' Gobshite.

Sometimes it sucks when our plans don't work out the way we planned them to. Change your plans, and you'll do fine.

I would say that you should still go out looking good, cuz it shouldn't have been about Softlad anyways. I know that I feel better when I have on clothes that I like, and a bit of make-up. Before my WH left, I NEVER wore make-up. I started to after he left and I continue to do it every time I go to work. A small amount makes me feel better about myself, and it SHINES through.

It is about Softlad running away from HIMSELF, and his poor choices. There's nothing you can do about it, so focus on getting YOU on track.

Who gave you this info anyways? And why didn't you tell them not to say anything hmmm?

Yes but its way better to do it for fun instead of for pride - and I dont have to scan the street for his car any more when I drive home. That IS good.



Hahahaha. Look at you queen B. Never fear - I asked my mother ages ago to tell me if he left the country for real. I need to know in case I want to rent out the house and for all the legal stuff. I knew she could be trusted to keep the information brief and to the one point I needed to know. She didnt even say where he was going. It was softlad's relative next door who told me the other details - which is why I dont go next door anymore!

That's it, plug up those holes. Progress dear. And okay, I'll let go of the knowing that Softlad moved away. Mom knows best. But, I'm watching you.

Yes I felt unsure of that decision to 'peek' out of Plan B because I know my own feelings and instincts are not unbiased.



Which is why I check them on here first!



Good. I would get myself in a big old mess without my MB forum accountability. That peek up OWs street while I was driving the strange car for example. I would definitely have done that if hadnt known I would have had to confess afterwards!!!

I know what you mean. There are things that I would have been tempted to do had I not thought about the disappointment I would have seen on here.

It has been making me think about accountability in marriage too, you know?

I had a very independent style marriage in which I thought snooping showed a 'lack of trust' and H was entirely down to his own resources in what he did/ did not reveal to me. I did not hold him acountable.

When I was tempted to have an EA, WH would never have known had I done it, because we spent so much time apart. I had to draw on my own stregnth entirely to fess up to the attraction, which was not easy - because I could have chosen to take advantage of that lack of accountability.

When WH must have first realised an attraction to blackwidow, it must have been a very difficult situation. People would have noticed, and judged him for his lack of support, if he had cut her out at a time when she needed friends most. Also, he knew I did not hold him accountable.

Not much any more, but in the beginning I experienced strong pangs to know what was going on with him on the other side of Plan B. Because his love bank inside me did not want to be frozen. Love is like that. And WSs who have a lovebank outside the marriage experience a similar lack of ability to use willpower alone.

Oh you are so wise grasshopper.

Oh, I do ok!

I just need to figure out how to be on time for things now.

Yeah it makes you wonder where willpower really comes from does it not? What is it rooted in?

Accountability!

If I had been free to love him without knowing it would hurt like hell, without knowing I would have to lie to/mislead/lose the forum, without knowing where I was headed....I would have just followed weakness and loved him. It was what my whole being wanted to do - in the moments I took respite from hurting.

WSs, though... they hide from accountability.

They go

Flirting doesnt mean anything
Does this mean something? Nah.
Ok it means something... but its ok I can still lie and hide it...
Ok I got caught but I can lie some more/run away etc

That's why rock bottom is a WSs best friend

There is no more running
No more lying to be done
No more exits

Just accountability.

I was thinking it was rooted in love, and yes, I guess being accountable to love.

Willpower that comes from love can cause a 100 lb woman to pick up a 2000 lb automobile which fell on her husband, and pull all the discs in her back.

"Greater love has no man than he lays his life down for his brother", is another thing I believe also, and should/could use the words woman and sister also.

Love makes the world go round, its what we love, that we will live for, and die for, and that will is where willpower comes from, at it strongest. IMHO

Yeah the kids who play at the flirting games and breaking hearts, they need a lesson in accountability. Thanks to this site and the good people here, such lessons can be learned and good people up-heald

I was having this exact conversation with a friend just yesterday!

A friend told me she and her H have tried several times to contact Gollum and she can't figure out why he would not reply to her when she has been friends with him as long as I have.

Gollum is running from the truth, desperate to avoid those who can hold the mirror up to him. The easiest way to run from the truth is to hide from those who will hold him accountable.

Accountable to what or who? Why?

They are accountable to who butters thier bread, rubs thier belly, and makes them feel good.

Tucks them in and reads them a story, even if its make believe, and makes/allows excuses.

They are accountable to the other aliens now, who they think like, and they can identify with..

But the chickens come home to roost, they allways do, and only the blind do not see it. Thats is other peoples fault also...

Oh, just been clearing out my spare room in preparation for the painting.

Guess I underestimated the power of triggers.

I found valentines cards, restuarant menus, champagne corks... stuff i didnt even know I had.

Theres a picture of us at niagara falls, Im 18, hes 21 and we look totally, perfectly happy.

They are all going. So is my wedding dress. My rings too, even though they are not in this house, I know they are still in existence and I am going to sell them.

Unfortunately although these memories are all really precious, he ruined them. If we were to rebuild ( I do a sardonic smile when I say that 'if' - as I dont believe it) he would have to make a whole new relationship. New pictures, new cards, new rings, new start.

I still sort of balk at throwing away my wedding album. I know this is crazy vain, but I look really beautiful! That was a year of crazy gym time, lots of water drinking, tonnes of fruit to get my skin right.

Also WH's best friend who died is on them as his best man. Even if we were to have another ceremony, he couldnt be on them. But as his wife is the OW - he is now a triger of the A.

The album has to go. As cute as I look ( and I do) its totally useless to me now.

He has completely ruined the memory of his best friend. I have only just realised that in full.

I wouldnt have been able to do this clear out earlier in the plans, but it's time now. Time for it all to go. Preparation for a true plan Me.

I was surprised how upset I got, how much I cried over the triggers when on a day to day basis I am ok.


I am hoping that changing the look of hte house wil also help me.

I am kind of annoyed that he is swanning around singapore after ditching our marriage in the bin.

I know he is totally miserable - I do know that.

Its just that I always wanted to live soemwhere exotic for a while and he always turned down offers, using me as an excuse. Using marriage as the excuse - even though I was willing to go too. Really he hates anywhere even slightly different culturally. He also would have hated us relying on each other in a strnage place - that would cramp his style.

OK, this is a bad day, isnt it.

On the upside I have lovely clean rooms and cupboards!

I would keep the photos.
The day will come when they do not trigger you in a bad way and you will appreciate seeing them again...

Put them in a box which you put in the back of a cabinet or closet and you can even write something like "Joyous day" on them

Reclaim some things.

Reclaim your good memories.

Yes, put triggers out of the way and even get rid of many but not once in a life documented optimism and love.

Do not let your love be devalued that way.

I hope that makes sense to you.

See, in my case, I have kept some of the things to remember my time with my WH, but that is mostly because I have children with him. I don't know what I would have done had I not. I want my children to know that they came out of love. It's part of THEIR history too.

If I didn't have children, and I intended to one day move on, and one day have children, I would probably get rid of the things that I had. How would you explain that to your children?

Maybe a good alternative would be to store them at your mum's house. That way you could get them back one day if you really wanted them.