Also, I recommend mentioning your own infidelity briefly and without details in your exposure letter. If you say nothing, WH and OW will take great delight in telling their family and friends that you cheated first. This will take away most if not all the indignation that would have been turned against the current set of waywards, and send it to you instead.

I would just add something like, "I know first-hand how destructive adultery can be. I recently ended my own affair and committed to repairing our marriage. I know we can be happy together again, once we only have two people in our marriage. I know others who have succeeded, and I am confident that we can, too."

Whether you feel it or not, project the same full confidence as if you were only a BW.

ML,

The only thing I have on the OW are two phone numbers and a couple possible addresses. Not sure which one is her. I looked on fb and the only person I found, I'm not sure it is her. I'm not sure how to find out more at this point without him being at home. Im pretty sure he created a new email address.

Can you have his place watched?

He is staying at his parents house right now. I am going to go talk to him tomorrow. I will try to find out some more info from him.

A lot has happened this weekend and once again my life has taken another turn. I think it might have been for the better but I am so scared and I know my husband is too. He told me that he is going to break it off with the OW. We are going to write the NC letter sometime this week.

What makes me nervous is getting started on recovery and rebuilding. He is scared that he will never be able to trust me again or actually truly forgive me.

I am scared that he will not think I am as exciting or good enough as the OW now, especially since she has caused him something new and exciting lately and all I have done is cause him pain.

We are both scared and don't really know what to do or how to get started. We both agree though that our love and marriage is worth saving.

I am also very scared that he is going to have a hard time breaking it off with the OW or change his mind and not do it at all.

I know I have learned a lot on this forum already and am going to reread and write down what a lot of you have said and use it.

I don't know how your finances are, but beg, borrow or steal (not really this one) the money if you have to and get on the phone with Steve Harley NOW.

You both are in a good position to right this listing ship, IMO. It is recoverable.

Yep, you know what to do. Even if he does have a FR, you still know what to do for that, too.

Be very careful to implement every possible EP after he goes NC.

It will be very critical to get 20+ hours of UA time in. This is not time you spend dissecting the A's, though that will need to happen some, too. This is time that the two of you spend happy time together, meeting EN's and learning (again) to associate good feelings with being together.

fifteen,

So glad the tide has turned don't be afraid, do what you know is right you can only control yourself so you do your part and the rest will fall into place, work with your husband support each other through this following the steps MB uses.......
Figure out each other's needs and then spend lots of fun time together........
It is so much fun falling in love again, you will feel like a teenager again.......
Keep posting the vets will walk you through it.......I couldn't be happier........dont' worry about the OW Your husband doesn't want her he want the old you back the girl he married give him that girl

Congratulations fifteenyears i knew it would work out for you. You have an opportunity that some of us would absolutely kill for and that is make it up to your husband. To attempt in some small way to make up for the actions that have hurt so many (not to say that your husband's actions haven't done the same) treasure this opportunity and give it your all. Keep posting here and listen to all great advice you will get. You have a long road ahead of you but you are lucky to be able to be on this road. you are in my prayers fifteenyears I hope it works out for you. You are truly a lucky woman and I can't help but envy you take care.

I have been very busy this week, as NG puts it riding the roller coaster from hell. I am hoping though that things are starting to look up.

Where are my H and I at now? Well, we are talking again and sharing our feelings. We are starting to take care of each others EN's. He has broken it off with the OW and we are going to write the NC letter tonight, together. We are also going to create a list our EP's and EN's and keep them in an "US" notebook.

I am still very scared because I know we have a very long, hard, road. I am confident thought that the MB +True Love combo is exactly what we need and what we have needed all along. We both have to learn to trust and forgive each other, ALWAYS!

Please pray for both of us. This is sounding like a farewell forum speech but I promise you it is not. I still have a lot to learn and my H has started to open up to this site and forum.

RL, I will continue to pray for you and wish you the best. No matter what do not give up hope in yourself!

15yrs, that is great news! I would caution you about a couple of things, though. Not having a plan for recovery is a plan to fail. Most marriages do not recover from affairs. Just look at those around this forum that didn't go through recovery the first time. They are back with repeat affairs. Recovery does not happen by accident.

GEt his committment to go through this program completely. Cherry picking never works. It has to be complete. Dr Harley is not kidding when he says it is a very narrow path.

There are several ways to do this listed here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi9000_courses.html

And here is Harley's excerpt from Requirements for Recovery:

here

15,

Congrat, on your marriage now having a chance. I would read Mel's comments to you very carefully, don't "cherry pick" the concepts.

Let me address a few things you have said and offer you ideas from my perspective. You probably have done many of them so I apologize in advance for boring you.

You said
Excellent idea, did you write a NC letter to your most recent OM? If not, you should as well.


Ok, this may be long but I want you to share it with him and discuss what I have to say. You don't have to agree with me, but discuss it. First, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. At some time he will realize as will you, that offering the grace of forgiveness will help him more than hanging on to the hurt. This concept has been discussed on this site many times over the last decade or so. Some say it is the act of deciding to not seek retribution from someone who has wronged you, although they can never make up for what they did. Some say it is a "setting aside" of accountability for what has been done, again because no one can go back in time and UNDO what has been done. HOWEVER ALL AGREE FORGIVENESS IS NOT FORGETTING! This is very important. Many people confuse forgiveness with the act of forgetting what has happened.

Frankly, the last thing either of you want to do is forget what has happened. Now the feelings associated with the memories will disassociate from one another with time. Why should you not forget? Why should he not forget? Because you don't learn from things you forget. "Those that forget history are condemned to repeat it." This quote works for both of you. AS your marriage gets better and better with sharing and better communications you two will look back years from now and realize how special it was to overcome these failures. This is important.

Now for trust, let's take this apart for a moment. Harley states clearly that one should NEVER blindly trust their spouse. It leads to taking things for granted, it leads to assumptions, etc. But, what is trust, really it is the belief we have that someone will behave in a predictable manner in any given situation. This belief that we can predict someones behavior is based on past behavior with the more recent past more heavily weighted.

Your H can learn to trust you, and you can learn to trust him if your behavior is consistent with your words and promises. The longer each of you synch's up behavior and words, the more either can trust the other. Here is something else. Communications! The more you communicate your feelings, plans, goals, the easier it is to see if the actions are matching up. Us guys have a harder time with communications, but often that is a protective strategy. You need to know this and make sure he knows that YOU will protect him. You both need to understand how males and females communicate, there are more than a few books on the matter, read them, discuss them, and learn. You both will enjoy one another much more in the future.

A reasonable fear. But consider that most men bond with their spouse via sex. IT IS the way most men do that, I know that women don't realize this but it is nevertheless true. So consider how he felt about your A's. He has the same fear. Tell him about your fear, ask him if he fears the same thing. You just might find that he went to another woman not just for revenge, but perhaps more importantly to determine if he was still a "man". Your affairs rejected him as a husband and a man.

I am not excusing his affair. It was just as poor a choice as yours. I am saying talk to him, tell him what you fear. Tell him what you want. Ask him what he wants. It may be something the OW did, but most likely he wants to feel wanted, needed, and desired. Do NOT underestimate the need to be NEEDED. It is strong in men.

Excellent. Start by talking, holding one another, laughing, and being very honest. He will trust you more if you are honest even if it might hurt him for awhile. Read Harley's articles on figuring out needs and then discuss how each of you want them met. This is an excellent way for you two to sit side by side and discuss his concepts will beginning to touch on very difficult topics.

Just as he fears you will do it again.

Excellent idea.

Oh! one last thought. I will use my own life experience to make a point that many have made to you about EP's. I was a bachelor into my 30's I had a very enjoyable bachelor life. When I married I traveled alot. Up to three weeks out of four. I decided when I married that I would make sure that I never strayed. I did this by deciding to never go anywhere there was music or dancing while I was traveling. I would not hang out in a bar. I would dine alone unless the group I was meeting with dined as a group. I would return to my room and work/read/watch TV. I have followed that plan for 36 years now and I have never been tempted to stray. Not because I am up for Sainthood, but simply because I removed myself from temptation. Now this may sound boring and it was, but really I only traveled to work.

My point if you and your H develop plans to avoid temptation and also plans to make each other happy, you can both protect yourselves from the temptation to stray. It is also much easier to follow those plans if when you are together, the times are good.

Much more to say, but discuss this with your H and then go do some reading here and within Harley's books.

God Bless,

JL

ML and JL,

Thank you for your wise words. JL, I have encouraged my husband to read what you wrote. We have been talking and very slowly trying to build up our relationship again. My H did request last night that he still needed his space. He is not ready to jump back into us yet and really needs time to reflect on himself and what he needs.

While this hurt to hear, it was him being completely honest with me for the first time in several months. He told me that he does not want to quickly get back together based on my emotions. That he needs to make sure that it is what he wants.

If I would have never found this site, I would have been devastated by this and possible very angry about this decision.I would have given him an "or else" option.

That however was the old me. I have to realize that even though I WANT more than anything to be together and have him back home in my arms. He NEEDS his space to think and heal.

We are still talking and spending time together but he asked me not to pressure him on any decisions right now. I have to respect this and be patient and accepting of whatever he wants.

For the past few weeks, I have had a sick feeling in my stomach that would not go away. Even the other night when we talked about getting back together, the sick feeling would not go away.

Last night when my husband finally opened up to me and let everything he was feeling out, that feeling went away. Again, it was not what I wanted to hear but his complete honestly with me gave me a sense of relief that I have not had in a very long time.

BABY STEPS

I told you you were "in".

Sometimes an "I-told-you-so" can be lots of fun.

I'm skeptical of a man that just had sexual relations with another woman not his wife....that he JUST sent a "no contact" letter to...demanding/requesting essentially no questions asked "space".

You may not be in a position to demand "no contact" but (I'm asking here) can you ASK that he commit to his recent promise of "no contact" and provide accountability (just as you are willing to provide any and all accountability that HE needs to demonstrate that you aren't in contact with OM or any other men).

An unwillingness to be accountable is a pretty good indicator that he remains in contact and, as such, an active affair which means you aren't making any RECOVERY progress whatsoever.

You can't recover your marriage with a third party involved so despite how badly you want a chance....allowing him to cake eat at some point really won't behoove either of you.

Not sure where to direct you from here...just something to think about.

Mr. W

Mr. W

I will not lie, I am a little uneasy about the situation as well. He has sent her a "no contact" letter via my request. We blocked her numbers on our phone account and he gave me his email account password. It is through his work and he cannot erase any emails because they are all archived.

Am I a little worried that he might have another account, YES! I asked him and he said no. Am I worried that he might try to contact her even though he has told me that he wants nothing to do with her anymore, OF COURSE!

He has acted very accountable telling me everything about her and giving me access to his accounts. I still have a fear however. I think anyone would. And I am conflicted on whether or not I am in the position to question his every move.

We are spending a lot of our time together even though he has asked for some space, he still has come over every night this week to see me and the kids.

I do want us back together but I am not willing and not blind to the fact that she has to be completely out of the picture before we can move on. My instincts tell me she is, but there is still a gut wrenching feeling in my stomach that says she is not.

Not sure exactly what to do at this point?

Were you on the radio show today?

Quietly snoop, and also observe his behavior over the next few weeks. If he's in NC, he will progressively de-fog. If he's still in C, expect quite a bit of wayward-level anger and increasing fog.

It's not an exact science, but you'll have a pretty good idea.

Snooping is your best source of hard intel.

Yes, that was me.