After a long hiatus, I am back on here. And as I read through a lot of the threads, I did see an inordinate amount of people suffering through repeated affairs. Sometimes years apart (one on here was like 10 years apart).

I dont remember dealing much with those type of situations when I was on here before. So, I thought I would start a discussion on this.

To start it off, I know that a person (WW or WH) that continually cheats is most likely never going to be faithful. from what I have read, it just isnt likely they will get their act straight.


So, with that said...let's start off with a few questions:

1. how would everyone here advise us to address that with a BS?
2. Specifically, do we write off such a marriage and just get the BS to get through closing it down and moving on?
3. What if we have a WS on here who is guilty of this, but has finally come here in search of answers? Do we write them off, considering the low probability that they will get their act together?

Okay, the floor is open....

Hi Mortarman,

It's nice to see you again.

I think this will be a very good discussion, thanks for starting it up.

If you get some time, give us an update as to how you are.

God Bless!

I will. Thanks!

I was married for 26 years to a serial cheater. The keylogger provided me with the Gift of Clarity. I had no desire to save the marriage at that point. I just wanted away from him. I am actually shocked at the number of wives who DO want to save those type of marriages. I usually avoid those threads because I can't offer encouragement.

I do believe that if a WW or WH comes looking for help there is a great chance they can BE helped and that is my feeling whether they are a one time cheater or serial cheater.

Knowing that you are a Christian, I'm sure you know the story of Hosea. Biblicly speaking, I believe that a marriage CAN be saved after multiple affairs, but the WS would have to eventually realize that they want better for their life. Convincing them otherwise is a chore in itself. Some will agree that it's not worth the pain and suffering endured because of it, but there are people out there that can stick it out. Those are far and few between though. I think if a BS asks how to save a marriage with multiple affairs, they should be given the tools to do so. There is no more guarantee that the marriage would be saved in either case of multiple affairs or one affair. That's just my opinion though.

Speaking only for myself .... Here goes.
Here are some of the criteria I look at and consider.

The poster's attitudes and goals.
Length of the marriage.
Other mitigating circumstances. (addictions/abuse/etc)
The apparent ability/willingness to learn and implement MB.
My perception of the poster's maturity and capabilities.
The ages of the kids.

I usually lean towards the shortest Plan A possible. Just long enough to organize a proper Plan B.
The widest exposure thinkable.
A good lawyering-up as part of Plan B.
Followed by the silence that speaks the loudest. Plan B.

I usually bail if I sense the poster wants to touch on but not implement MB tools.
I usually bail early if it is an apparent blog.

That's me.

I've had the opportunity to work with more than a few waywards on and off the boards. I've learned a great deal about them and about myself in the process....

I've noticed a couple things regarding the waywards that were in multiple affairs.

1) Only when they've hit bottom is it possible for them to stop their destructive behavior.

2) By the time they confess all they've done, their BS is so decimated that recovery becomes nearly unimaginable and often undesirable.

3) The weekend forum has several multiple FWS's that I've watched consistently, and they still seem to habitually withhold information while trying to recover. I don't mean affair related information, I mean day to day operating information.

I'll be back when I have more time, I really think this will be a good discussion

Hi Mortarman,

Welcome back to the forum. I'm a newbie, so take my thoughts for what they are worth. I am also a husband whose wife cheated 2x in 7 years.

I don't know if I'd say that the WS who cheats will probably never be faithful. I *would* say that they have brought a much harder time of recovery on themselves whether they recover individually or with their spouse. There is a lot of baggage to wade through for them. That said, Can I answer your questions out of order?

2. I would not necessarily write off any marriage based off of the number of affairs. There are so many other factors in play. What is the disposition of the WS in wanting to reconcile, what is the disposition of the BS wanting to reconcile, etc... I am not a divorce advocate, but sometimes it is necessary. It's never my first suggestion unless there's been abuse of some type.

3. I think that even if one "gets it" then it's worth it for me at least. If they are here to really get answers, they have a much better shot than coming here for support of their behavior. If I wrote my own W off, I would have missed a great opportunity. I suspect there are others in the same boat too.

1. I would approach it the same way (initially) as any other affair. What are the conditions that led to the affair? What have you done to eliminate those conditions, do you have EP's in place for WS? What is ws doing in regards to just compensation and living a life of complete openness and honesty?

On the other hand, some things need to be tightened up... Repeat offenders need tighter boundaries and need to take more severe extraordinary precautions, so those would have to be worked on. The BS would have to be advised of all these. Exposure must be emphasized in order to end the affair.

Cv

Thanks SW. By the way, it appears you are one of our success stories here, even though your marriage ended. Congrats!

I wanted to point out that there is one thing in common about the repeaters on this board: they NEVER EVER did anything to recover their marriages. That is WHY they are back here.

For example, they never implemented extraordinary precautions and they never created the romantic marriage that is essential to recovery. These marriages should have never continued in the first place because the WS never implemented even basic precautionary measures.

So I want to make clear that repeats are here only because they did not use Marriage Builders the FIRST TIME.

On the other hand, we do have some recovered marriages here that contain former serial cheaters. They are only recovered becuase they did the necessary things to recover the marriage.'

Serial cheating CAN BE RESOLVED if the couple recovers the marriage. I called Dr Harley in 2007 and he told me has saved lots of these marriages.

The issue is that couples REFUSE to follow MArriage Builders. If you read the repeaters you will see they do not follow MB and are no closer to day than they were 10 years ago.

I never even got as far as having my WXH confess all he had done. I uncovered by snooping, enough to turn my stomach and I just knew I couldn't live with someone so deceitful.

As an added ick in my situation he had spent years gas lighting me...making me feel like *I* was the real problem.

Agreed, GJM. A video of Dr. Harley I saw recently showed him saying that there are marriages he feels wont make it, but he helps them anyway. And sometimes, they make it even though he thought they wouldnt.

And that really is good news isn't it? Not that they are back on the board, but that marriages with serial cheaters can and have been saved by using a strict plan...

Mel I totally agree with you. Thanks.

CV

Thanks Pep. And as you know, I am a HUGE fan of Plan B!!

We might need to break down your list there...as there is a lot of good stuff...especially the discussion of things like addiction.

I think you brought up two key points of discussion...withholding info and the BS being so decimated (since this is happening again) that they have not the energy to sae the marriage, even if the WS is sincere this time.

I would like to look more into that...because it seems to me that any recovery in this situation would be very vulnerable to sabotage from the BS.

Here is the radio show where I called Dr Harley: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=578

I would point out another development I have seen over the years. A BS will come here and kill his spouse's affair and then never do anything else. They never work on recovering the marriage. They often show up here with REPEAT AFFAIRS.

Harley says that if the marriage does not recover it is very probable there will be repeat affairs. And that is true. But most people just REFUSE to work on their marriages.

Harley says in his article Requirements for Recovery:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2311122#Post2311122

But try telling someone that they have to actually go through these steps and typically the answer is "but, but, I can't do that!!" They don't have time to spend 20 hours of UA time because they absolutely everything else comes first. As a result, the couple don't fall in love again and the marriage limps along in a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage.

Until the next affair happens.

Hey Celtic...thanks for this. And your points open a part of the discussion I will get too shortly!

MM, if you want to understand why the 2 repeat affairs are back on our board NOW, all you have to do is go read their old threads from years ago. They never discussed recovery while here, rather they spent their time chatting with board members. There was no recovery. No plan.

Exactly what I thought, Melody. Which brings up an off topic in my mind...what if the BS did try to do all of the MB things they needed to do...but the WS never locked in. And then, it came up again? To that BS, wouldnt it be harder to get them onboard (since tothem it would appear that it didnt work the first time)? Even if the WS is now serious?

You are one of the successes...when the WS isnt worth pursuing!