After reading this thread..........WOW!

It's very obvious that there are some members of this board who are DEEPLY in touch with their emotions!

And comparing that to the actions of the Waywards that I hear about here.......it's about selfishness on the part of the Waywards that makes any infidelity so difficult.

Thank You all who posted on this thread!

I'm in Plan A today......but each day as I ponder if I'm better off in Plan B.......I read just 1 more post.....that gets me through just 1 more day in Plan A.
Day by Day........

Here is a link to a radio clip where DrH addresses this very subject. LINK

Very interesting. I would seem by DrH's assessment that the darker you are in Plan B, the more likely that your LB balance will remain the same for your WS and you will actually continue to love them. It is very helpful to realize that this is quite normal, and doesn't mean that I am doing anything wrong, in fact, it would seem I am doing things correctly.

This thread was much needed for me to figure out that what is going on for me is normal for Plan B... or as normal as I am going to get at this stage

This is definitely a must read for all Plan B'ers.

Any chance it can get put into notable posts?

BUMP

Interesting .....


Noteworthy? Maybe.

Wow.
So interesting Scotty!

Thats funny coming from you as you were the worst offender in my thread about trashing my WW.

you were the worst offender in my thread about trashing my WW

I thought I took that honor, LnT!

And even though Trip can defend himself, let me make the following point: Very often the BS (and I'll even specify BH) comes here in such shock ("That can't be my wife's actions,...It must be a mistake,...She must have meant/done/ implied/said something else!") that their internalization of what is actually being done to them by the skank-ho is painfully, obviously flawed. Using language such as I just did tends to strip away the rose-coloured specs and reveal that a WW is what her actions define her to be, not what the BH chooses to remember her as having been.

Calling a skank a skank will have no effect if she's not.

An adulterous woman is not always a "skank". Often she is a WW. Not anything worse.

I think we all (including myself) ought to be aware and remind ourselves that we want these marriages (most of them) to survive and thrive after adultery.

When are we counter productive to that goal? We need to each evaluate our own actions and assess if we are venting because we have not healed our own selves, or we are being useful to the goal of marriage building.

I know for a fact I have attacked many a beloved wayward spouse.
Usually when I am so angry and frustrated with that wayward's treatment of a poster I have come to care about.

Case in point.
HerPapaBear.
I thought he was a hopeless piece of crap.
I cared so much for his wife, MamaBear, that I could not see past my own resentment of him.

I can think of other marriages where I was so P-O'd at the wayward I could not think of any way in hell the marriage was salvageable.
I hated their wayward guts.
Yet, the marriage turned around.
I regret things I have written that was/could have been an impediment to a successful recovery.

I know I am not innocent.
I know I am vulnerable to name calling.
It's a struggle I have yet to win.
But, a struggle I am at least aware I need to make.

I think you ought to ask the betrayed spouse if there is an effect.
You cannot be the arbiter of the effect your words have on the BS.

An adulterous woman is not always a "skank". Often she is a WW. Not anything worse.

Is my reputation so far gone that you would decline to recognize that I might apply discretion to my use of pejoratives?

But additionally, Pep, with the notable exception of HPB, OUR condemnation of WSs, especially the ones who attained "skankhood" never comes to their attention. The (hopefully salutary) effect is limited to the BSs.

I have remarked that RAGE has come to be, unfairly, treated as anathema in the modern, oh-so-genteel, society. Rage, kept within controls, is a powerful tool and motivator. I foopin' guarantee, that if RAGE was more generally accepted, the incidence of the weak-livered, tremulous BH, teetering at, and dithering about, the performance, even after understanding the necessity, of a correct exposure would just about disappear. (I do recall, during one of our first counselling sessions, my bride foggily saying that she thought that if I discovered, and objected(!), to her actions, I would approach her with my concerns quietly, and discuss them. At which point I asked her specifically WHEN in my life I had ever behaved � la David Niven or Noel Coward! The fog lifted VERY fast!)

In summary, then, I'd opine that your concern about "things I have written that was/could have been an impediment to a successful recovery" is most likely groundless. On the contrary, those moments of honesty more likely had beneficial effects on balance.

Pep...

Thank you so much for this post. It is a good reminder to all of us. You humility and grace is shining.

I also want to add that when we came here 9 months ago, we were well along in recovery and **I** was the one who was in need of the most help, not my FWW. She was terrified to post seeing how some folks were treated, and still is to a degree (and that does not discount the awesome advice and direction we have received from everyone here on many things).

Anyway, thanks for this is all I wanted to say...

CV

And I was wrong in doing so, was I not?

Sir, I am merely a mortal and perpetual student.

When I worked in the grocery store, I used to bristle at people that would come in and buy a ton of groceries on food stamps and then go get into a luxury SUV and drive away. Until, that is, I was deep into schooling and that person was ME.


Arrogant I may be, but beyond reproach I am not.

NG

It is the BS's ears that are the most tender.
It is toward the BS with tender ears and a broken heart I am expressing my concern.

I am certain I have been not always been as helpful as I possibly could have been. I am not above reproach.

Pep, this came at a time more important than you could possibly imagine. So interesting that this would be brought up to me today, when I need it MOST.

Also, Pep, there is something that I want to remind you of. I wish I could look it up on my thread better than I have time for now, but I remember when I first came here, you expressed that you and the posters on MB held no contempt for my WH. That you fought ADULTERY, and that if he were to come here, you would help him. That made me see even more that MB was the right place for me. See, I myself don't hold ill-will towards him, and I didn't need to have others bad-mouthing him. Did I vent? Of course, but it would be very hurtful for me to have others bash him. Funny, eh?

I seriously think it would have been an amazing opportunity to work under, and learn from, you in a professional setting.

Awwwwwww. Thanks HHH.

That's so interesting, Muppet.

You don't know how right you are. MANY MANY THANKS. I will take my door, and avoid the wall.