I have encouraged her and I think morally she wants to do it. She does not want her WH to know she is going to do it, so will wait until he returns to work after holidays. Her WH is VERY against her doing it. She's a smart cookie though, and sees this is purely in his own interests.

Aaah, I love you all for keeping me accountable. Don't worry about this happening with a BH, as I am VERY aware of my needs not being met. If I met him at all, it would be in the presence of my female friend (his SIL) and a one off. You are right though, it is better to have him visit the site himself. I have suggested to my friend to order him a copy of SAA.

And while keeping me accountable I had a horrible moment this week when I questioned if I had come across as trolling!!! A mutual friend of Gollum and I (single male) has been messaging me for months about our whereabouts. I finally replied saying we had separated due to affair and giving him Gollum's contact details (Gollum was closer to him than I). I got the sympathy email back about how he had something similar happen to him and would I like to catch up??? I'll fob him off, as even though it might be innocent, thanks to MB I know this is not in my best interests. In future I'll be more careful about contacting any single mutual male friends...

You haven't come accross as trolling! It's only polite to reply to a message.

I would just fob him off. No way you want to hear about how he 'knows just what you are going through'

Funnily enough, the guy I mentioned on my thread (the weird hand-holder who also sent me the 'tongue tied' FB message ) also had 'something similar' happen to him - this was while he still appeared normal.

I do think some men hear about a woman's betrayal and it is like they hear a dinner bell being rung. Just saying!

Waywards really are stupid.

I got a FB friend request from someone I don't know with a message about my married friends who are working on recovery. Giving me details about the affair and telling me she would see me in Court. Some really nasty stuff. Along with the line that the OW doesn't know that the message is being sent (because if she did it would not look good in Court as WH is seeking an intervention order against her)

Anyway, the message really riled me with its arrogance and stupidity. Waywards tend to think everyone else is as stupid as they are. I responded to push some buttons, and really, the response was predictable. Blameshifting and insults, even on the WH who the OW clearly wants back at all costs.

I blocked her after I got enough evidence for Court if my friends need it.

Thanks for letting me share this. I care for my friends and want to defend them and mop the floor with this skank who is trying to destroy their family. Also, there is something about seeing inside a wayward's mind that horrifies me. Not sure if horrified is the right word... repulsed maybe. I sort of felt violated in some way.

Lately I've started thinking about the next stage... Plan D. Gollum may be here to stay and it is likely he will file within months (once the legal separation period is over).

I am unsure a bit of Plan B. I will stay in it married or divorced. How do Plan B'ers post divorce respond to contact attempts? The IM can hardly reiterate no contact until the affair has ended... can they?

Sure they can.

Hi Caracal! Yes, divorced people can stay in Plan B if they want to. Your condition about the affair could be the same if you still wanted to reconcile. I know of another BW who is divorced and her H ended his affair. But she wants nothing to do with him, so she remains in Plan B for her peace of mind.

Hope you are doing well.

Thanks reading. So my stance stays the same even if there is no marriage to recover.

What about when (thinking positive here) I move on and no longer want recovery, affair or no affair?

Aah, sorry Mel, didn't see your post. Thanks. What does this XBW or her IM say to XWH when he attempts contact?

She does not let him through and the IM just says "please send all contact through me if you want to get a message through." And like I said, she has no desire to reconcile. She just wants to be protected from him. It works pretty well!

Makes perfect sense. Thanks again!

I see someone is seeing the benefits of going dark!

Are you creating a fun, satisfying new life for you? One that does not include your h? How do you feel about that?

Yeah, it makes sense..

"You want to be friends now after you stabbed me in the back? Hey I was born at night, not last night"

Waywards continue to be waywards until they are not anymore

Once divorced as they choose the crackpipe of affair activity, they will try and get in your good graces, and stay on the pipe

Plan B them for life

CP, it has taken me a while but I am starting to cotton on to the benefits of this! Initially the idea of no contact FOR LIFE terrified me (actually, I don't think I contemplated it for a long time, just shelved it at the back of my mind). Now... why would I want to have contact with him WHILST HE IS WAYWARD? I would get nothing out of the contact but hurt. He would get reassurance. He would get EN's met. I wouldn't. I just don't want to expose myself to that.

Thanks for asking Indie! Things are definitely on the up for me... although I am still definately on the rollercoaster. How do I feel... mixed. I want to keep my LB$ open until divorce, so I know I have done everything to save my marriage. I want recovery more than any other option. But I will plan an alternative because I have little faith Gollum can be the man needed to fly over my very high bar. And for that, I thank Plan B. Clarity. Perspective. Self-respect. All given to me courtesy of Plan B. I will not settle for crumbs.

My life is not where I envisioned it, and it is not where I would choose it to be. Recovery is still my preferred choice, even though I have been in Plan B for nearly 6 months (maybe because I have been in Plan B for 6 months?)

Regardless of Gollum and his choices, I can see the potential in my life now. I know I will turn out ok regardless of Gollum. I am busy getting an application ready for a job that really appeals, for the lifestyle it would provide me. I have a lot of options available to me. I can make my life what I want it. I am going to do this.

I am also looking into a trip overseas with my mum... I have always wanted to travel overseas with her, and I don't want my impending divorce to make me lose my passion for travel (which to my suprise it has made me do). My friends all thought once over the inital shock of Gollum's behavior I would be on the first plane out... suprisingly I have lost all drive to travel or even my usual interests (I haven't read a book apart from affair related ones since D Day and I am usually a keen reader!) I think part of my problem has been how I just had no idea this affair was coming, and just didn't see any problems in our marriage. I really think overall we were pretty happy... but I question this according to Dr H's principles... maybe just I was happy and he wasn't.

Difficulties I am still weighing up... I still have a very high LB$ for my husband. This worries me. Especially as I want children. How on earth do I overcome this with the time constraints of the biological clock??? I cannot fairly begin a new relationship (once divorced) with such a high love count.

And I do not want to rush into a relationship to have kids too early. I always felt so secure in not rushing into having children, into living some dreams first, as husband always assured me that since we had "found each other" we had the time to live dreams and then start our family. This is actually one of the biggest LB$ withdrawals. Whenever I think that Gollum is counting on his 20-something-year-old to provide him with children, I feel robbed. Like maybe I won't get that chance, as I do not want to expose children to a broken home just for my own benefit. I want to be confident in the relationship first.

I know this sounds all over the place, but I just spent the afternoon with my nephew (from a broken family due to an affair) and I NEVER want to expose a child to this. I guess none of us posting here ever do...

Still, even with the bumps in the road, I am making progress. It may be slow, but is it progress. And I thank you all for Plan B. I can not imagine where I would be without it.

Oh me too. I thought a six month Plan B would be long enough. Thats because i was only thinking in terms of either getting him back or either going to plan FU - but now I wouldnt give up my peace and protection for the world.



Yes. Plan B protects your love bank, i.e. it stops it from depleting. But over time the account 'freezes' - it will only be reactivated by a repentent spouse. A lot of the time i feel very 'neutral' about softlad, which is amazing if you think about it.

I think planning a new life for you, that does not include him is an important part of that freezing process. You need to get excited about your own plans.

Which all sound fantastic!



I would hazard a guess there werent any problems. Travelling together would have created a very close bond and practice in team work. (The 'healthy integrated lifestyle' Dr H recommends. Plus if there were something he needed changing - he has a voice, right?

I would say it was probably a great marriage, but his poor boundaries didnt take that into account once a secondary love bank was allowed to open for OW. One that gets filled with affair addictive chemicals as well as ENs

The longer I am in Plan B the more certain I am becoming that there was nothing wrong with my marriage except the boundaries. We were very happy, but too free with our time and with other freinds. We had a great house and garden but no boundary fence.




I so hear you on this. It was always my WH saying 'wait' and I was very happy to. I had lots of plans too and we had found each other!

I am glad kids arent mixed up in this but I do think about the whole biological clock thing not adding up with the not wanting to get involved with anyone straight away....

If you figure that one out, let me know!

Thanks indie, its always reassuring to know others understand where I'm coming from.

There is a lot of positives going on for me right now... not anything concrete, more my own attitude.

I did have a set back on Friday... one of my SIL's has unfriended me on FB. My reaction was lots of anger and lots more hurt. Gollum seems to have many enablers. I have Plan B'd the SIL's but hoped they would extend an olive branch. Maybe not entirely in line with Plan B, but I decided not to let this action go ignored. I am not going to just roll over and quietly die when we have been family and friends for half our lives.

So I sent an email to her extending my olive branch. I also explained that the reason behind my no contact with Gollum was to avoid being hurt and that he can contact me when he ends the affair. I suspect Gollum may have put a spin on my Plan B.

I have no expectations of a response from SIL. I actually wonder if she may be a wayward herself. I feel good about my actions though.

[quote=Caracal]
I have no expectations of a response from SIL. I actually wonder if she may be a wayward herself. I feel good about my actions though.[/quote

Why do you think so?

Before exposure I only expected support form very close people. I was bowled over by the widesprea support I found. Of course there are always exceptions. I found following exposure only very specific types were unsupportive.

Ranked in order of annoyance.

1) Waywards
2) Enablers who knew about the A
3) Enablers who were now supporting the A
4) The 'disgusted but not my business' type
5) Not impressed but quiet due to embarrassment,

This SIL has had several long term relationships. Whenever they end, she seems to have a new "boyfriend" very quickly. Granted, she is attractive. I always used to put it down to her being scared of being alone, but I remember during a trip to Europe with her (her boyfriend stayed in Aus) she was engaging in inappropriate behaviour with males. Very poor boundaries. Not when I was present, but she mentioned things that didn't sit well with me even before MB. Maybe I'm wrong, but I certainly see signs of entitlement. At the very least, I think this SIL knew about the affair. She avoided me after exposure, even when I rang once to ask for help, and another time when I text her support for a personal issue I knew she was having.

I think her unfriending me may be that she is also now supporting the affair. If Gollum returns to Aus, it is this sister I believe he will run to for a cave. Gollum will need a cave, and where I live, there won't be a cave he can hide his "precious" from the consequences of skankiness.

If she chooses not to accept my olive branch, I know I am better off without her. It still makes me sad though.

I will never regret exposure, it was me fighting for my marriage and my beliefs. The support I got was from immediate family and a couple of close friends. I got no response whatsoever from Gollum's family. In my sitch, I think my having been out of the country for so long made it very difficult for people to know what to do. It was very easy for Gollum to convince people of the history re-write, as no-one had really seen us together for years.

This is brilliant indie. I hadn't thought of this in this way, but the annonyance with people was exactly these categories. Can I go paint the numbers on their foreheads?

Oooh yes. Great idea for a Sunday activity.

Caracal,
I just wanted to stop by and say that I think you're doing well. Plan B is hard at first, but you have found out that time allows you to see the benefits. I'm proud of you and can see that you'll be okay.

The list of people after exposure was unfreezing. I know if many in each of those 5 categories. Actually, more fall in them than were willing to help so I definitely understand. I've just come to be somewhat indifferent to it all now. I actually have plan B's them as well.

I understand still having a high LB. That's one thing I can't seem tho shake after the affairs, 7 months of NC, and even the D. Much of that is by choice, though.

All in all, I think we'll both be okay, either way. Our waywards, who knows....
Stay strong and keep moving forward. GOD BLESS!