Opt,

As an OC I would have wanted my adoptive parents to reveal my biological origins sooner than they did, given that make the connection not for yourself but to maintain that option for your DD, you do not know what the future holds for her.
Think of OM as a backup father, should something happen to you he might come through with college tuition.

But it's not just OM that you are engaging with but hopefully his extended family as well, and there lies more value for OC.

It could be that your DD will have a great curiosity about where she came from and given her circumstances it would be hard to believe that she dosen't sense something.

God Bless
Gamma

My concern is not with the OM. I think he is suffering, knowing that he has a bio child that he will not get to raise or be involved with at all....however, that is a situation HE created by being the OM in the first place. So his suffering is inconsequential to me.

My concern is still your dd. Have you told her yet? For some reason I thought you had. So I am a little confused on that.

As far as responding to the OM...I would. I would not leave him hanging wondering if you actually got the letter (even though I know it was registered). My reply would be simple and to the point. 'Message received. There will be no contact at this time. If we ever need to contact you we now have your information.'

I agree with no contact with the OM/bio dad. My only concern is when to tell the child. She has a right to know. My ds is 11. I cannot fathom having to spring the news on him that his bio father is a man other than the one that has raised him.

Opt, the legal side of my brain thinks this letter is suspect and that it's almost like he is positioning himself legally. Why send THIS letter registered mail? I can't fathom what position that would be as he signed his rights away. This man is at the most a sperm donor, sorry.

He has made no contribution to the health and welfare of your daughter. He has allowed another man to raise his daughter, morally, financially, emotionally, and spiritually. NOW, he thinks you may be open to allowing him in her life? It might be different if your daughter was the one seeking him out and not the other way around. He has no right to appear at this point in her young impressionable life. I worry that he even thought this was okay or that it is something you would entertain. You are her father and have been protecting her and supporting her for her whole life.

He could be a changed man and wanting to make amends. Heck, he could have seen the recent movie "Courageous" and got the idea from that. Who knows? But he's clearly not thinking of her best interest. He may be feeling guilt but I would think he would have expressed his reasoning to you. He didn't. He just made it known what HE would like.

As her father, I would tuck this away for the day, if it ever comes, when she reaches out. Otherwise, I don't think you owe him anything.

Optimism, I don't post here anymore, but I had to respond to you.

If it were me, I would not respond to the OM's letter at all. If I recall correctly, your DD does know the truth. From OM's letter, he seems to be under the impression that she doesn't know, so it seems unlikely that he has been in contact with your ex-wife. Surely she would have told him that you had told your DD if they were in contact.

I don't think a response is necessary. It might just encourage him to initiate more contact. It's a good thing that he thinks your DD doesn't know and that he's willing to continue with NC as long as you see fit. Your DD may want to meet OM someday, but this should wait until she is an adult. Once she's 18, then she can make that decision for herself.

W1/Opt,

Your DD may want to meet OM someday, but this should wait until she is an adult. Once she's 18, then she can make that decision for herself.

There is also a whole other family out there who are her people, don't allow time to take away her chance to know them even as curiosities. No one should have to visit their long dead parents grave with almost no recollection of who they were as I did.

God Bless
Gamma

But Gamma, this man has not been a "parent". I'm so sorry for what you went through as a child but you would have wanted to know, right? I don't think Opt's daughter has expressed this. Another question is where were all these people when he (OM) made the decision to sign his rights away? Why didnt they speak up back then?

I guess I'm coming at this from the position of my husband's childhood. He was taken away from his parents when he was very young and not one family member came forward to help. Then when he became an adult he searched his mother out and found her. It was the worst mistake of his life. All those years and tears he wasted over the years trying to have his mother's love only to realize just now this late in life that she made her choices long ago. Oh sure, it made her fee all warm and fuzzy that her son sought her out and validated her as a mother for awhile. But her true colors came out eventually. She is still just as selfish now as she was back then when she let her kids go. My husband's real dad passed away from cirrhosis of the liver before my husband could find him but he was no father.

Most of these situations do not end like a Lifetime movie. Opt needs to continue to protect his daughter's heart and emotions. She is who is she is today because of Opt, not this man who signed her away.

Gamma,

I am an OC too. I had very little interaction with my father while I was growing up and I didn't know his family at all. I haven't seen my father since I was 14 and I've only met one other person in his family, my half-sister. This is my choice. I know where my father is, but I choose not to contact him. I didn't grow up with him and to me, those people are not my "family."

Opt's daughter may feel differently, or she may not. But a 10-year-old isn't mature enough to make that decision. Opt has never mentioned that his DD has any desire to meet the OM. If she changes her mind, then he can provide her with whatever info. he has about the OM when she turns 18 and she can meet him then. That's how we are going to handle it with the OM in our case.

PM,

My biological family on my Mothers side was 65% a horror show, but there were also good people on her side and a grandmother I missed seeing by only one year. I in no way expect any meeting to be all sweetness, but it's almost like not asking the details of an affair even if they are ugly they are the truth.

Biology is not 100% destiny, but it must be at least 30%?

God Bless
Gamma

I agree the child doesn't need to be exposed to ANY of the bio family. Whether or not they are decent people or not is irrelevant at this point. She needs the security of being raised as the child of Opt as he is doing now.

The ONLY thing I question is that she deserves to know the truth. And I think she does....still fuzzy on that right now. But once she knows there is bio/sperm donor out there...nothing more needs to be said about it until she is an adult...unless she asks questions....and I would answer those but still not allow contact at this point even if she wanted.

Opt, thanks for posting the contents of the letter.

I am with W1 and PM. HOWEVER, if I remember correctly you don't have DNA proof, correct? I would MOST DEFINITELY NOT DO ANYTHING until you have proof. You are certain that OC is not yours, and I think fairly certain she is THIS OM's, but what a horrible situation it would be for the OC if THIS OM was not her bio dad. Hey, you never know...stranger things have happened.

If it were me, I would file the letter away and not act on it at all. Then if and when the time comes that you reveal paternity to OC, and IF THIS OM is indeed her bio dad, you can give her the choice to pursue C or NC. She is too young and immature to make that call now.

Keep us posted......

I sure do appreciate all of your thoughts and insights. Really I do. I have a lot to consider and fortunately I don't believe there is an undue urgency at this time so I will give some thought and do some praying for now.

To clear up a couple of things. DD10 was informed of her biological roots over the summer. I wrote about it on writer's thread "telling OC the truth" - a total thread-jack. Incidentally, she expressed no interest in meeting OM. She said she feels special that I fought for her (there was a possibility of abortion a couple times along the road) and she knows I'm her real Daddy.
She has since thrived as much as before she knew. She's doing very well, has great friends, teachers like her, she's active and healthy and very loved by many.

One point in all this is that Medically I have insight that is probably a luxury to many in this situation. OM sent a full medical history shortly after DD10 was born. It's not extremely significant, but knowing this and where to contact him could feasibly be beneficial.

There was never a DNA test done. So, really if there is some sort of positioining going on, I have a pretty strong position to at least make things very difficult for him. I also have a VERY good lawyer who is tremendously pro-child.

I will plan to protect my daughter's wellfare. There's no question about that.

Opt

As an update:
[regarding a letter I received from OM/OC's Bio Father in January]:
I never responded. It's been 5 months since I signed for the registered letter.
I did hear last week however that he is (supposedly) getting married soon, and that he has been dating someone for some time. This from exWW who "heard it through the grapevine." Why did it come up? DD was supposedly asking about him to exWW. So then DD came to me with that information. Apparently, she does wonder about him from time to time...

Also, she was last night talking about her genetic make-up ("I'm half Italian, and, what is the rest of me, Daddy?"); with another friend. It was only one step away from 'my biological dad is French.' I believe very few know about this situation. I changed the subject as best I could. I'm not comfortable talking about it, not outside the family...

Any advice on how I should handle these situations? I don't believe my daughter understands the stigma that might be attached to her if it becomes widespread knowledge that I'm not her biological father. Or perhaps it is me who doesn't understand the value of allowing people to know and seeing her as the incredible wonderful human being she is, in spite of the circumstances under which she was conceived.

Since my divorce, I have embraced the truth; latched onto it like never before in my life, and I'm much better for it. I have a great relationship with someone who feels the same way. I have tried to reinforce that concept above all in raising my kids and they seem to be benefitting greatly from it. This situation, is not necessarily just about truth however, in my view. It's about someone's personal business and how it affects perceptions of them in a modern society/community - a small community with provincial views.

I appreciate any insight.

Opt

A non-family person asks any sort of OC-related question, and you don't want to answer .... You say:

"That's quite a personal question. How often do you yourself answer random personal questions?"

Make every reply a question.

"I'm so happy she is my daughter. Isn't she beautiful?" (sweet, good, talented, funny, etc)

If they persist, they are rude.

Tell them .... "I think that's too personal a question for you to ask. Don't you find asking personal questions makes for awkward situations?"

Opt.

I don't believe my daughter understands the stigma that might be attached to her if it becomes widespread knowledge that I'm not her biological father.

In a sense asking her to deny who she is a violation of the law of identity A=A, you are asking OC to be someone other than who she is.

I am an OC and throughout my childhood told lies about my ethnic background because it was all that I knew about myself, or more accurately all that I had been told about myself.

Had I known better I would have pushed for the truth earlier on and broadcast it widely, better to suffer the judgements of others then to knowingly lie and create internal conflict.

God Bless
Gamma

Pep and Gamma,
I appreciate your responses. Thanks to you both.

I get the jist of what you are saying. I will continue to hold to the truth and let the chips fall where the may. My daughter is aware of her genetic situation. She is also quite intuitive and emotionally intelligent; I'd like to leave it up to her who she informs about all this and who she doesn't. She has not been made to feel ashamed of anything, in fact quite the opposite as she has many who love her tremendously and she has natural confidence it seems.

I'm just not sure how to direct her in this as it is indeed personal information and I feel is something that should be shared with only those who are close to her. People (kids) CAN be cruel with information, and I simply don't want her to be hurt.

opt

I just wanted to lend my support.

Your intentions are commendable because you have your daughters best interest at heart.

Have you thought about emailing Dr. Harley and asking him?

Opt,

I'm just not sure how to direct her in this as it is indeed personal information and I feel is something that should be shared with only those who are close to her. People (kids) CAN be cruel with information, and I simply don't want her to be hurt.

Perhaps one way to look at this is that she is not 1/2 of a person, that is she has a fully legitimate Mother, and a shadowy story of a father. Rather she has 3 families and is more like 3/2 of a person in terms of the complexity of her background, sort of a person who traveled alot. I think this might give her a kind of immunity to the opinions of others.

I've come to accept that I have 5 families and my story will never be simple, but it is the story that is true.

God Bless
Gamma

Well Gamma you have a tremendous insight. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you sharing that. I have no idea how I could have gained that anywhere else. You are a gift here.

See, this is, I believe almost exactly how D10 feels. She has said things that resemble this line of thinking. She is quite incredible to me. Of course I get nervous about her wanting to find out more. I want to hold on to her. I want her to be MINE and not be concerned with spermdonor. She also is unaware that Genfather has some clinical depression, as has his mother some serious psycosocial issues; I don't know about the rest of the family, but I don't believe it's a pretty picture (brothers/sisters if any). It just seems way too complicated to try to get into at this juncture. I would rather she wait and let this whole part of it sink in. Til she's 18 would be fine with me. I want to be her only Father until she's an "adult". I believe I have that right.

We continue to have a great relationship based on honesty and trust. She knows she can talk to me about anything without reactions on my part or judgements (thanks MB!).

Anyway. Thanks again for your insight, Gamma. You've brought up the thought to me that perhaps it's not children's cruelty that is important but the recipient's ability to handle it successfully.

opt

Opt,

Thanks, your daughter is decades ahead of me in terms of her insights however.

A difficult decision, which you may not have to deal with, is what to do if a member of her biological family is near death. This happened with my bio Mom, so I never got to see her alive.

God Bless
Gamma

Opt,

Gamma's POV is one, and it is certainly a legitimate one, but it is not the only one.

I am an OC as well. I've only met 2 people on my bio dad's side of the family, and one of those was my dad himself, who I haven't seen since I was 14. I have no desire to meet any of them. I didn't grow up with them and they do not feel like my family. There was a time when I was growing up that I was curious about them, and I did eventually contact my half-sister. I met with her once and she told me a lot about that side of my family that I didn't previously know. But I've never felt the need to contact her or anyone else again.

It's difficult to say how your daughter will feel. She's still very young. Maybe she will be curious and she will want to meet them. Maybe she won't. I do think it's a good idea to wait until she is 18 at least, then it will be up to her if she wants to search for her bio dad's family or not. She is much too young to have the maturity necessary to make this decision now.