Tell OWH this, MT. Let him know that you feel it's important for both of you to retain contact info for each other in the event either one of you suspects renewed contact. Ask him to respect your wish to use your energies toward recovering your M and to contact you only if he suspects contact has been attempted between them.

He's enraged at your WH and chooses to take his anger out via you. He also is likely hoping to cause friction between you and your WH. He is probably hoping that you will divorce your WH so that WH will feel pain/repercussions for his actions with BH's wife. I certainly understand his pain, but that doesn't give him the right to bully you with unwanted calls.

Thanks marital. Yes, I thought about that too. I suspected that was his motive especially when I would read OWH emails to WH and he would throw my name in the email about what we discussed, although I wasn't giving him detailed information, just basic information and he was giving me information, but his viewpoint. I hope OWH settles down, but he is threatening to come back here to our home and get in my WH face, which I can't say he doesn't deserve it, but we have young grandchildren and others in our house that don't know about the A. I know Dr. Harley says to tell everyone, but I already have one son not speaking to him and don't know how the teenage boy at home will handle it. I didn't want him to loose respect for him so I chose not to tell the other children (young adults). But yes it is causing friction and my emotions don't help, but I guess it makes WH realize how bad he messed up and could still loose me.

I finally sent an email letting the OWH know I only needed to know if they were in contact again, especially after he was forwarding her texts stating I was drastically fooled by my husband and she put all the blame on him. I stated regardless who did what it happened and it was not one sided. Encougraged OWH to find help. So far I have not heard from him. Which is good, I just want to move forward and not go over everything again.

Now I'm feeling like I'm not sure if I want to go through this again (first husband cheated). Why should I have to check up on him and worry who he is in contact with, if he is at work or not. Depressing. I have better days, just stuck right now. I did hand WH an EN form to work on. I think I'm meeting all his needs, but feel that is all that is happening right now. So trying to work on determining my EN and hopefully it helps me get past this rut when he is aware of my EN too.

It's been almost a month and I have not heard anything from OWH. He has not sent any further texts or emails to WH. I suggested my husband change his number and email, but he insists on ignoring OWH. I started reading some other posts and came across the EPs which I was not fully aware of. He has already done some of them and others I suggested before I saw it written here. I plan to push a new phone number and email though for our future protection in case OW and OWH split. Don't want OW to be able to contact WH that easily.

So besides the update, I really wanted some input. Our 10th anniversary is in Jan. I've already told my WH I felt that I have nothing to celebrate, that our marriage died, especially since last year we were on a cruise and had a wonderful time together and 6 weeks later his EA starts and later becomes PA. Doesn't their servicing each other count as PA even though the actual sex didn't happen until 10 weeks later? Anyway, how do I handle our anniversary? What should I do? Ignore it? Plan a night out with friends? I know I will be stressing/depressed because of the anniversaries-knowing the steps of when it started,the e-cards for certain events, him giving her a Victoria secrets gift card for her birthday, etc...and the discovery in the following months.

I also told him that at some point we should renew our vows and celebrate then, whether it is the original marriage date or a new one, but not now...I don't feel ready. He agreed and said he had thought about that too.

We don't even plan to exchange gifts for Christmas either, he thinks because we are traveling to my parents and to save money, but I did't plan on giving him anything. He usually gets me a Victoria secret gift card and i don't want him to forget and give me one this year. I don't even want a card from him..feel he has cheapened the meaning behind it all. Even when it comes to pet names he uses for me that he also used for her. No more.

I'm doing better, not obessing about it anymore. Less questions. Still have days of depression or sadness. One in awhile i blow up...I don't hold back anymore...feel I need to have my say.

MT. This sounds sad to me and also sounds like the exact spot where I was stuck after the A was killed but I didn't know what to do next. Then I found MB.

I have read your entire thread and forgive me if I have missed something. I see that you did a great job in exposing to OWH but then looks like your recovery has come to a stop. What is your WH doing to EARN back your trust? What are the two of you doing to affair proof your M in the future and what are you doing to rebuild your love? Ignoring the Christmas tradition of gift giving to those you love does not sound very romantic. Would you have done that when you were dating? I would guess no. Why? Because you were building love when you were dating.

Rebuilding the love is crucial to your recovery. It does not just happen on its own.

Read this:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2311122#Post2311122

I hope it will give you some direction. It saved me. Pay special attention to the ten basic concepts.

While you at it, make sure to close ALL avenues of contact...i.e. e-mail, phone numbers, etc. Trust only what you can verify. WH must EARN his trust.

Hang in there. It gets better.

WH has been good about being as transparent as he can. He is on a military installation and I do not have access to his computer at work unless I pop in at lunch time on my day off and ask to see it. Which the first time he found old stuff and quickly stated he thought he had deleted it all. I've checked again when his computer was down for a few days because I knew he would be back logged in processing all of the emails. I found nothing and he showed me all his personal folders. I obviously can't check calls at work, but OWH is suppose to be letting me know if he sees anything. I also work at another military installation and have a military laptop so I am going to work on pulling up his work email from home. He states he does not want to change personal email or cell because he wants to prove to me he would let me know the minute she contacts him. I tried to explain I understand his determination, but it is like an addict taking a hit and he doesn't need her to contact him.

We have been spending a lot of UA time together, but I've always tried to stay invovled with my kids (WH adopted my youngest DS) which we only have the one at home, but he hides away in his room and I don't like him not interacting with us too. So I feel like I neglect DS at times....that was a main part of our problem to begin with..I neglected my WH trying to be involved with my kids and grandkids. I work 10 hr days with 1 hr travel to and from. Which makes our time together short....I have changed my habits of staying up late to go to bed early and just laying in WH arms before falling asleep.

I see your point in the gift giving...WH wanted to skip our exchanging gifts because of the expense of traveling so far. I just felt it would be hard...but will consider it.

I have read the majority of the basic concepts but read it again...I will pass it onto WH because he has not read it or it has been too long to remember. We had a marriage class based off of Dr. Harley's books and just didnt take it to heart I guess. We are re-reading those books. Thank you

I had a trigger moment the other night before going to bed when I checked WHs fb and found he accepted a friend request from a female co-worker we both know, my son played baseball with her son & H the coach. She has been divorced for about 4 years. I asked WH why he would become friends with another single co-worker? He groaned and said he would delete his FB account.

Of course I wasn't done talking about it, so I emailed him at work the next morning and told WH my thoughts, that he was opening a door again for a repeat affair with another woman regardless his resolve in it never happening again. I also told him I was not happy with his fb friends that were ex lovers and some of his friends that I thought was not necessary. Like old co-workers which he nicknamed GGF (gorgeous girl friend) which is just a friend. I told him their messsaging was too friendly. He also has business contact fb friend, why would a business contact want to be fb friends and send personal emails- forwarded jokes?

WH pointed out my fb friends and I explained only one was an ex and he was invovled with my kids and the last contact was for job openings over a year ago. I also pointed out I did not have their numbers in my phone contacts, text them for 3-5 months non stop daily, or tty them on my computer at work. There is a difference. I told him I thought he was keeping his options open and I only saw one option and that was he could walk and have all the female friends he wanted. I know that was probably a LB, but I wanted to stress my point.

I also told him he has my passwords he can check my email and fb anytime. I explained I can't help how I feel and why it upsets me, but he knocked me down and its hard to get back up. He was sincere in emailing back and said he didn't want to cause me any heartache and felt it was rude to ignore co-worker friend request and thought it was best to just close the account. Which he did. I know WH is tiring of my flare ups, I told WH it may be over and done with for him, but it is still fresh on my heart and in my mind. I think about it every day and pray everyday to forgive him and heal. I also pray for OW and OWH to heal from this and one day that we all will get past this.

You must work to maintain boundaries for you and WH.
He realized this and that's why he deleted FB.

You should have a key logger to verify that WH does not open a FB account.

You should seek ways to fill EN that WH was using FB for.
Send WH texts, emails during the day. Reach out with a call when either is at work.

I actually checked his fb all the time, WH mostly comments on DS's and DD fb and male fishing friends. He said he didn't want to be rude in not accepting someone that got a new fb account, but it is not a problem as far as messages and contact with other females, but I do not want him to open a door to get friendly with another female co-worker. Which the OW worked directly in the same office and they talked by tty on the work computer and started off having office lunches together (then other lunch activities alone later ). They also texted each other all night at home...dummy me thought it was a fishing buddy!

I'm really starting to stress about our 10th wedding anniversary. I feel like it just isn't important anymore since he broke his vow to me. He wants to go somewhere the following weekend which is fine, but I'm just worried i'll be bad company. Then I've been trying to look for a gift that would be meaningful in an effort to not totally ignore our anniversary and the gift suggestion is Tin, aluminum or diamond which I found an interesting quote " The pliability of tin and aluminum is a symbol of how a successful marriage needs to be flexible and durable and how it can be bent without being broken"

Its been more than flexible alright....guess I want to get something meaningful but unsure what I should do. How have others handled upcoming anniversaries after a betrayal? Help!

Hi,I am new to this but not new to my husbands affair. I to have an anniversary coming in February and this month was the start of my husbands 7mth affair.

I have lost a lot of self confidence and Im unsure of how to deal with his betrayal. He is trying very hard and Im fine most days, but those days that Im not...Im really not.

We marked 31 years of marriage about two months following D-Day. We were both still raw and working our way through some of the MB concepts. I hadn't planned on doing anything at all; I was still deeply grieving over the betrayal.

We live far away from our home in the US(note the screen name) and have no family here. Just a few friends at that time.

What we did, because I didn't feel like it was any sort of a celebration really, was to simply "mark" it, I guess that's the best way to put it.

H took the day off specially for the anniversary and took me out to a restaurant by the ocean. We just talked quietly, ate a delicious meal, enjoyed a glass of wine apiece, then took a walk on the beach for an hour or so.

We talked about MB and our near plans. We didn't buy gifts, because that's not what we usually do anyway. It was enough that he could take the day off and we wanted to be together.

Finally, at the chapel the Sunday following, he announced our anniversary to the small congregation.

It was a decent commemoration, all things considered.

We made it through Christmas at my mom's. We also spent it with the DS that knows and WH was stressing about that. I told WH to leave him alone not to pull DS to the side to talk. It was also tough because I was at my mom's this summer when WH slept with OW. I had a moment and shared my feelings with WH. He didn't say anything to keep from fighting.

The bad part was when we were on our way home I checked WH email from the phone and I kept seeing email notifications for WHs friends from birthday-reminder.com. So I thought I would just check it out with the typical password guess. Apparently he hadn't purged this calendar. It had OWs birth date and listed her as gf. I got upset and showed him. WH asked for the phone and I asked why. He said he was going to throw it out the window. I didn't think he would, but he did. WH said he wasn't going to replace it because he didnt want a phone anymore. Then I showed WH his phone in the cubby. He had thrown my phone out the window. He pulled over and I let him get a head start to cool off before I went to help. I reminded him about the "Find my friends" app. After he got frustrated with it, I looked at it and told WH he was going the wrong way it was further back. So I got the car and exited at the next exit to come back around. WH finally found the phone when the app showed him he was right on top of it. So pretty accurate app even though it may hiccup once in a while. We both managed to cool off and talk about it later. WH thinks I should be over it after 5 months. I told him I felt like he was ignoring the white elephant in the room like it never happened and will go away if he totally ignored it and I clearly see it and watch it for any sign of life.

My response when my wife echoed similar sentiments: "Please don't set a time limit on how long I'm allowed to grieve."

Also, watch those disrespectful judgments! One of the most difficult ones to get over is "telling your spouse what they are thinking", which is what you did above. A better approach might have been something like, "I plan to remain vigilant against any behavior on your part or mine that might lead to an affair for the rest of our lives. Do you?"

We "marked" our ten year anniversary with a dinner at an out of the way expensive resturant. I did have a LB when I realized we had to travel down the same back road WH and OW took for their joy ride that started the physcial servicing of each other. I'm not one to hold my thoughts in, so yes I told WH I was anxious and that I realized that morning what road we would be taking. We did get past that and had a lovely dinner.

I did find a small gift for WH. Since the traditional gift for 10 years is tin (or pewter) I was looking for the wizard of oz figurines..I have an warped mind set I guess you could say. I wanted to give it to WH with a small card that said "Have the brains to know right from wrong, cherish the precious heart given to you and have the courage to do the right thing. Of course some would think that would be a LB, but that is just me. I did find a 1 1/2" tall pewter Jiminy Cricket instead, so cute, and gave it to him in a small jewlery box. WH got it as soon as he saw it. So now Jiminy sits on his desk where he can see it.

We have been doing better and started reading the daily devotion book Drawing Close, which WH doesn't agree with everything, but we try to talk about it. I reminded WH we took a Dyanmic Marriage course at our church based off of Dr. Harley's books His Needs Her Needs and Love busters almost ten years ago. Guess we didn't pay much attention. I also told WH this is what gave me comfort after D-Day 1 & 2. I googled affairs at work because I was so distraught and couldn't focus on my job. Dr. Harleys web site came up and it has helped me find some comfort.

You gave your husband a conscience for your anniversary?
There is no "Some may think it's a love buster." IT IS.
Do you want to be recovered? Or do you want to just keep rubbing your husbands nose in his sins?

our anniversary is several months away but whenever i think of it, i just can't imagine wanting to acknowledge it at all. after discovering that WH was having affair for over half of our 20 years, i feel that we weren't married, or at least, he wasn't married. i'm considering suggesting that when we both agree, we could have an informal/formal re-commitment and consider that as our future anniversary date. does this make any sense? or should i get over it and celebrate a 21st anniversary in a few months?

Do you want to be recovered? Or do you want to just keep rubbing your husbands nose in his sins?[/quote]

I guess I should have mentioned he chuckled and did not appear offended.

Rop I did what LongWayFromHome said, just marked it...I feel like the marriage died and we plan to recommit at some point in the future. In a year we will be taking a family cruise and I hope this is just a faded memory and we can recommit.