I just finished the book. I didn't get Dr. Harley's exact technique to get the renter to the buyer level. There was the one section in the book, but not a very detailed plan.

Does anyone have a detailed plan on how to get the renter to the buyer level?

Also - doesn't adultery take a once borderline buyer to a renter and freeloader level? Does this automatically get fixed once recovery begins?

A buyer is defined by their behaviors. So the way to change is to adopt buyers habits. As such:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyers believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Renters believe Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.

Changing from a renter to a buyer, for example, means abandoning sacrifice/compromise and adopting the POJA.

Yeppers.

Okay - Wow I am embarrassed now. I was looking at it like the withdraw to conflict to intimacy. I thought there was some persuasion that was needed.

I guess it means the renter will need to be persuaded in the beginning to do negotiation.

Thanks - I get it now.

Pepperband had a good post about this called "William F Harley is a Smart Man"

Here's a link

William F Harley is a smart man

Yes Yes Yes - that was the information I was looking. I couldn't put the pieces together in my mind after reading the book.

I need to read it a second time.

Great stuff Pep - thanks Amazin!

hi PI. i see your sig line has changed. just wanted to say how sorry i am that your wh can't seem to pull his head out. i have been lurking here for about a month, and yours was one of the stories i read when i got here, but i couldn't find the thread to post.

best wishes for you and your children.

Another good thread on Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders.