Or Monday. Happy Monday sister B's.

Somehow Scotty, I think of you as the Mama Plan B'er!

Hehe did you see her go all mama bear on my thread when I got a troll on FB?

Its so cute!

Sometimes the words of encouragement are so needed and I read these at just the right time. Thank you mark.

I'm a way off this. Actually, I have Plan B'd them, but mainly because I was still picking myself back off the ground. I think I'm strong enough now to see if they are worthy of being part of my life. I do care about many of Gollum's family. But I am also mindful of my own needs and response to them. I think Plan B has made me raise the bar on EVERYONE, not just Gollum!!!

I get this. I know that a part of me is still wanting H back, and that is why I don't move on. With MB, I recognise it is my choice. I am proud of this, because it would be sooo much easier to fill the LB$ with someone else meeting my needs. I still believe the H I had is worth a shot at recovery. For the time being anyway.

Aaah, true wisdom of Plan B.

Yep indie, I'm thinking we need to get her permission on any potential suitors if / when we are divorced and should we decide to start dating. Love it!!!

Sigh, here is a hard earned lesson from Plan B... on significant dates, keep yourself busy. This is the first time I haven't.

It is Gollum's birthday today. I should have planned to see friends, but instead am sitting home alone. A mistake. Thank you MB though, I am reading and keeping busy.

An update... I still haven't got the money from the car. I keep myself out of it. My IM is taking care of it. Last I heard Gollum was advertising and I asked IM to follow the ebay auction (because I don't trust Gollum with the correct sale figure, sad but true!). Gollum is overvaluing it. I don't think he wants to sell it. I am starting to think I may just have to forego the money, much as I would like it.

My SIL replied to my email. I am still deciphering it. I worry that it is just insincere words due to me making her feel bad about her ignoring me. I notice that she does not acknowledge Gollum's affair. Just platitudes about us being where we are and how sorry she is. She does admit she just didn't know what to say to me and that we have shared to many good times and history to not have a bond for life. I'm still thinking of my response. I really do care about her and her family. I worried about trusting her, so tracked the email... she hasn't forwarded it to Gollum as far as I can tell, so maybe there is hope for us to continue a relationship regardless.

I completed a job application today, wish me luck! The job would entail a fair bit of stress, but the pay packet and where it is really appeals. I'll wait and see... I hope for an interview at least. I am thinking positive... I even started property hunting in the area today, getting ahead of myself hehehe!

Okay, no fair talking about me while I'm gone.

And MAMA, COUGH, GAG, COUGH. COme on guys, I am only a couple of years older than Car, and a couple more than Indie, can't I be the BIG sister?

Yes, I did go all "mama bear" on your thread, Indie, and I am PROUD of it. I have been told that I am passionate about things. I guess it comes across even on the internet, eh?

Car, sorry that you are hurting. Sometimes, even in Plan B, it's okay to give yourself a good cry. The firsts are more difficult too. You'll get through. It's good that you recognize it thought, and that the Plan B bubble must have been working for you to feel a difference. That's a GOOD thing. Means that day to day, Plan B has been working for you.

Now, I do want to ask you something about SIL's email. What do you mean that you tracked it to see whether she forwarded it or not? First, how? And second, this could be some of your down feelings too. It is possible that you peeked because you were missing him. Remember this for next time. WHen you are feeling down about a date, you will be at your most vulnerable to break Plan B. THat's why it is important to figure out something to do, and keep yourself busy. Idle hands and all that.


Sometimes family members of WSs will side with the BS, especially at first, and if they have high moral standings about affairs. Other times, the BS gets ditched. In my case, my ILs didn't want to step up to the plate(being waywards themselves), and I am angry about that. I don't talk to them about my WH, and funny, they actually don't bring him up anymore either. It took a bit, but I can be with them in a room, and feel okay. I don't avoid mentioning my WH in stories about the past, but when I talk to them now, it is about MY present, and I hear NOTHING about WH.



Next time that there is a special day coming up, let us know. Soooooooo what colour are YOUR toes?

Ha HA HA !!!

It's not "WWPD?" any more.

It's now your turn, "WWSD?".

Sorry Scotty, but Mama Bear it is. Age is not a factor� wisdom of Plan B is. We�re just one big happy MB family.

No tears yesterday, so I know I am starting to heal and I will keep moving forward. It was more the trigger of just being so sad that H is not part of my life in any way. Got triggered into wondering if he even thinks of me. I know it doesn�t matter if he does, because he is still wayward.

As for SIL�s email� glad you are checking up on me Scotty so I am accountable! I attached a �spy� to the email that tracks when it is opened and where it is opened (state and country). So if my email was forwarded to Gollum and he opened it in UK, I would know I can�t trust SIL not to break my Plan B and I wouldn�t bother continuing contact with her.

Actually, this may be a useful tool for others� spypig.com or pointofmail.com. I�ve used them in the past for work, they have come in really handy with some colleagues who always claimed they didn�t get my email! In my email to SIL I asked her not to tell me anything about Gollum and vice versa, so I�m happy that it seems I can trust her. Of course, she could verbally tell him, but forwarding my email would seem a bigger breach of trust in my mind.

I get what you mean about stepping up to the plate. My SIL actually says she doesn�t want to stick her nose in. That is why I am hesitating about whether or not to Plan B her as well. However, we have shared a lot of great times together, and some bad times too where we stood by each other. I struggle to turn my back on that.

As for my toes� I thinks its time for another pedi!

SHADDUP :P AND....I'm sorry.

Hmmmm, I dunno if that spy thingy for emails is good for Plan B. Lemme think on it. I didn't even know you could do that. I think I need to get with it. Maybe I should be the mama, cuz I AM old.

You can be friendly with SIL, just keep her at arms length for a bit. You'll get the feel for which way you should go with it.

The tailing of the emails..

not plan B-ish.

Caracal.....you cut that out!

Big whoop if SIL sends things on or not. Don't try to figure if you can trust her!

Just say nothing to her you don't want leaked.

You can only control yourself. (am I a broken record with my input on threads?!)

Oops, somehow I didn't think of tracking the email as breaking Plan B. Now that two of you have rapped me on the knuckles, its got me thinking... It hasn't set me back in recovery, however I suppose if SIL HAD forwarded it to Gollum it would have. I would have had contact with him, indirect, but still contact. My intentions WERE Plan B, I have just administered it the wrong way. I don't want Gollum getting any fix on me, nor I of him.

I hate having to be careful with what I say... I really think guarding what I say makes a relationship difficult. I could see that with Gollum when I was trying to Plan A him. So whilst my olive branch has been accepted, there is no rush to be best buds or anything. I'll keep her at arms length for a while longer. At least now she knows I care so the door is open.

No more spying then...

And Scotty, cut out the old references. "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Since I'm only a couple of years behind you, I'm sticking with this

Caracal its not just about avoiding meeting any needs, for you or WH, it's also about restructuring your focus away from him and on to yourself.

In my case, just hearing that softlad had gone to a certain bar, or was hanging out with a certain group of people - very unimportant details - would make me lose half a day thinking about HIM rather than thinking about ME.

I consider that while he remains wayward he is not my business. He is a stranger. He may well hear things about me, because he is not protecting himself from news about me, but it is not my business what a stranger might hear about me. I cant worry about that.

I know what you are saying about knowing whether or not to trust her. But the question is not how she communicates with him - its about how she communicates with you. The focus is on you.

She unfriended you, then she said it was because she didnt know what to say to you. Personally I wouldnt buy this and I would keep her at a distannce, but my point is you can tell all you want to know about a person by the way they treat YOU.

If she respects your boundares, keep her about. If she does not, Plan B her. Her relationship with WH is not your business now and you are losing valuable time in considering yourself rather than him and his relationships.

Honesty time Caracal - did you get in touch with her because you want to enlist support and so have more peple urging WH to return to the marriage?

Ohhhhhh GOOD question.

I know it is an issue for me. I unfriended a tonne of people because they were unsupportive (silent) and I had a bad few days becuase I thought 'now they hate me and wont urge WH to do the right thing'

But the right thing in Plan B is to let go of that stuff.

Yup, its a new day, new life, new thoughts, and a new mind. Embrace it, and be glad the crap is over with.

Indie, I can't thank you enough for that entire post. It got me thinking on so many different levels. The answer to that question... yes and no. But if there is a yes, the no doesn't really matter, because any yes is not Plan B.

Part of me DOES want others to be urging Gollum to return to the marriage. Because ulimately that is what I want, and because in some way I see that as them standing by me and not contributing to the betrayal. Regardless of Gollum's decision.

On another level, I also really do want to continue the relationship with in-laws (regardless of Gollum), as I hate to think that I have lost them because of Gollum's behaviour. Its just at this stage I am a bit lost on how to do so without risking my own recovery. Because I do associate them with Gollum, and having to weigh my words around them is not really healthy to any relationship.

I take on board what you have said about the silence and insincere words... the focus has not been on me. They may not be worth keeping as part of my life. I know that. I will wait and see, as some of them I have seen in other situations step up to the plate. Not this time though

On a brighter note... I think I may have turned a real corner. It is still a rollercoaster, so I will have to wait and see... but I am now really thinking more in terms of whether Gollum can offer me anything. Recovery is not easy. The fact that my pain has meant nothing to Gollum for over six months... it not only means I have had time to raise the bar, but I think it would also impede marital recovery. A new relationship would be so much easier.

I am almost embarrassed to admit this on MB, but I have started thinking about wanting that divorce paper, so I can start to date if I want to. Again, I would prefer marriage recovery, but I just don't think Gollum can ever again be the man I thought I married.

I had a really good weekend. I spent Saturday with my mum, going property hunting. I am starting to think about home loans. I have some saving to do, and deciding on where to establish myself (and get a job to fund it) but I got really excited that I don't have to consider another person's preferences. Anything I want, I can have (providing I can fund it of course!)

Sunday was spent pouring over holiday brochures. Again really exciting. I love to travel. My mother and I have decided to hit a country unrelated to Gollum, and the deliberation is great fun! My mum only got a passport to visit me overseas, so is very excited!!!

I've increased my work hours, which will help my budget. And I've gotten addicted to online Scrabble with old friends (a flashback to my uni days when I was a mean Scrabble player). I'm still avoiding young males, who still seem to swoop as vultures do.

Every day I still have "Gollum" moments. But I now think of a day past them. I know that day will come.

That's entirely natural and just how I feel. Just dont let that impulse make it possible to allow toxic people in.



I dont see anything wrong with this, divorcing is your right. If you feel recovery slipping further and further away due to built up resentment the longer you are in Plan B, then fine. It is also very much Plan B to move on and make plans for a solo life. As long as you keep your boundaries high until a divorce is final, you can know you gave your marriage every possible chance right up until the 'fat lady' sings so to speak.