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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Excellent point, Mel. I have found that I am able to lose weight faster when I cut down on carbs and load up on non-carb veggies.


I'm with you! All vegetables are carbs, but the low carb ones are the best for weight loss and are much more nutritious. My favorites are green spinach and green beans.
My bad, duh - I WISH there were NON-carb veggies! I love broccoli and cauliflower. (Did you know that you can make a low-carb version of mashed potatoes by using cauliflower? And it's actually tasty?)


It is awesome! I have had that before.....


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Markos-I'm not worried about dh's reaction if I bring this up to him yet again. It is just that we've already discussed it, he already knows my concerns/wants. In fact, this weekend after we went to church he said "I know I've got 3 areas that I need to work on. Working out more, going to church and doing a better job leading our family religiously, and finishing his dissertation. If I can get those 3 things in order I'll feel good about where I'm at." So, he knows, it is on his mind, he is just still trying to work it all out. I just don't feel I need to remind him AGAIN about it because he knows. There is nothing let to say. Why the need to remind him again? We just moved to a new country, he started a new job etc...we are still just settling in and trying to get our routines down. Before we moved he had started working out every weekday (almost every) before work but then we moved and things are all out of whack for a bit. So...I just don't want to put any pressure on him and also, I've already done enough damage to his physical self-confidence so I don't feel like he deserves to be brought down anymore(I was on here before as "stuck in the mud", I just couldn't figure out how to log in as that anymore as it has been so long-but those posts bring me back to a darker time and also discuss this topic, those posts he read and I'm sure that is all a man needs to read to tear them down)." What I've thought about since posting this is my part in all this and what I can do. I realize I can do more to help him without even having to say anything. I am going to try to give him more opportunities to go work-out and I'm going to try to set a weekly schedule that plans for his work out time etc...that way it is scheduled in there and he doesn't feel like he is taking away from family time if is goes off to work out. He says he would like to do it in the morning before work because he never gets to it if it is planned after work. So, I guess I've realized I can help in a way that doesn't just seem like I'm once again criticizing him physically. And, how can I lower my expectations. I mean, I feel like it would really help us sexually if he had a 6 pack but I realize that will never be. He is just not built like that so it would be way too much work and time away from us to acheive that. Is there a way for me to be really realistic about my expectations. I'd like to be just attracted to him and satisfied with him losing 25 pounds.

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Markos-I've read the basic concepts, so I understand Open and honest etc.but jeeezz...if I've said it I've said it and he knows it, why say it again? I guess I feel like I've said it, he knows it, he is choosing not to meet it right now, I'm not leaving him so I guess I just have to see how I can be supportive and accept where he is at.
Maybe marriage builders seminar so he can hear it from a different source.
Prisca-I hear what you are saying, I don't expect perfection but I can see why you got that from my "imperfection" statement. And good point, our tastes do change so that is optimistic!!

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I'm sorry if you've already answered this and I missed it: do you work out with your husband? Can the two of you do this together?


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optimism-good points and I do compare but not to covers (not realistic) but the reason I posted this and got really thinking about it again was because we were at a pool party and 2 guys had their shirts off and looked pretty good. I noticed my husband and one other guy who are a little overweight didnt' have their's off. And I was thinking "boy, I sure wish my dh was comfotable enough and also in shape enough to go shirtless at a pool party and I would find it attractive." I really want to put my arms around him in a nice hug and show affection more often but I have to say when I do, I feel his overweightness and I don't like it. So, I guess that is comparing but not in a sense that I wished my dh looked like that but I wish my dh and I were both comfortable with his body etc..And to answer about other things he does that are attractive to me..He has a gorgeous face, eyes, cheekbones, forearms, big shoulders etc..so he definitely has some attractive features.
Longway, you offer hope for me and my situation and make me feel more normal and less judgemental. I beat myself up thinking "who am I to judge, why can't I just accept him unconditionally?"
Holdherhand-not sure, don't know what you mean, please explain.
Just learning-I knew I never should have used the work "imperfections" lol I knew I would mislead people. I'm really not looking for perfect. But is it unreasonable to think that if my husband is 25 pounds overweight and I have a high need for pa that it would be affecting our relationship and my desire for him sexually???
Ace-sorry to trump your Ace (haha) with my ace1-I couldn't remember by user from before and thought maybe it was Ace until I registered again. I will check out the article and like your thoughts on focusing more on other areas to grow together in different ways.
And finally, we don't work out together. That has never worked for us for various reasons. Some of them selfish on my part (log coming soon from someone..I know) I am not a morning person not not not not Doesn't matter if I go to bed at 9 every night and get up early I still do not fall asleep until 11 at night every night so if I get up at 5 (which is when we would need to work out for him to get to work on time) I don't get enough sleep. But, morning just doesn't work for us because I'm selfish or wired to be to be a night person. And, we have 2 young kids so one of us has always needed to be with them while the other worked out. And, his job hours are really unreliable so he can never guarantee to be home at the same time to work out each night. Excuses??? Maybe, but also very real obstacles and we are striving to find a way to overcome them. I work out after he goes to work each day. And though I don't get up at 5 I do get up at 6:30, so it is not like I'm sleeping in all morning. I get up at 6:30 to get the kids off to school.

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Doesn't your gym offer childcare? Every gym I've been a member of offers free childcare.

DH pushes me more at the gym than I push myself, and I love going with him.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Where we used to live we tried a gym with daycare and it didn't work because dh could never get there. He was working 80 hours a week and in school. And, my dd hated hated hated the daycare, it was a nightmare everytime I went and just too stressful for me. But, that is another issue, he just couldn't get there. But here daycare is not the problem (we have someone to watch the kids.) The problem is the time to fit it in. Like I said, he can't seem to reliably do it at night. It is just too hit or miss. He'll do it 2 nights in a row, and then miss 3 because he is caught up in a meeting at work or something. So, he has said he'd like to try to fit it in in the morning, but hasn't done it yet. But..I'm hopeful that he will start soon. In the meantime, I'm just planning to be supportive and make healthy meal choices etc...

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From the sound of your husband's schedule, I would say that gym time is the least of the worries for the marriage.

Instead, I would concentrate on 20 hours a week of UA time, at a minimum.

Get in a good solid month of real UA time of 20+ hours a week and the reassess the AS need.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Ya know Mel,

If any of the crap that is passed off as science were true there would not be 10 new diets every year. There is a reason that medicine is NOT a science. Most physicians are honest enough to call it the "MEDICAL ARTS".

I am not saying that different people not have differences body chemical makeup and metabolism. Want to see someone loss weight fast? Put someone who is lactose intolerant on a dairy diet. Many Asians are in fat lactose intolerant, hence they cannot eat what I eat.

But, I live in a state where the subliminal messages is if you "just breath right, exercise right, eat right" you will somehow avoid the pitfalls of being a living human being.

Most of the data used by the experts is seriously flawed. Take the BMI index. It isn't even gender specific. I am in my late 60's and according to the BMI index I should not be here or in good health. Why? I was "morbidly obese" as an 18 year old going to college. I was 6'4" tall and weight 235 lbs. I had a 34 inch waist and easily squatted 650 lbs 12 times for 3 sets, I ran miles, and I literally could walk across the bottom of a swimming pool because I did not float.

Oh I played two sports in college football and basketball.

My point, if there is one place in our society where "science" does not exist it is in the realm of nutrition and diet. The very fact that you can quote so many books and there are so many more books on diet is a very clear indication that little is KNOWN.

When it comes to weight, calories in vs calories out is an excellent starting point. And if you look at the very foods you mention there is a vast disparity in the calories between these food and how much of each someone will eat.

I will end this by pointing out that our nation is on a binge to end obesity. One of the motivations is that it causes more health costs. The most recent studies clearly show that is not the case at all. Truly obese people die younger and quicker with fewer health costs as compared to people that live to old age. REason? my guess few artificial limbs, infections etc. The actual cost of dying stays about the same.

While this a bit far from what you started with my point is still the same. If the folks you referenced actually know what they were doing, there would be no new books, no new diets and the data would not be what it is.

The basis for the BMI index was from insurance companies and as usual leads to a biased set. There is a reason insurance companies are not usually funded to medical research. The don't do double blind experiments for one.

JL

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Originally Posted By: Just Learning

If any of the crap that is passed off as science were true there would not be 10 new diets every year. There is a reason that medicine is NOT a science. Most physicians are honest enough to call it the "MEDICAL ARTS".



Oh believe me, I realize most of what we are taught about diet and nutrition is just crap. I have been a voracious nutrition researcher for about 13 years. For example, the notion that fat makes fat or "calories in and calories out" is pure nonsense. Other prime examples are the food pyramid and the idea that eggs increase cholesterol. All completely unsupported crap that is easily refuted by a first year endocrinology student - or anyone who does minimal research - who understands basic biology.

But one thing that is important to understand that all macronutrients are not the same. People don't lose weight by counting calories if they are ignoring the macronutrient content. [or rather, lose weight as efficiently] A calorie of carbohydrate is metabolized very differently than a calorie of fat. Excess carbohydrates slow down the metabolism, fat and protein speed it up. So trying to lose weight by eating alot of carbohydrates is like pushing a car up the hill with a parking brake on. Sure calories do count to a minor degree, but it is secondary to the macronutrient make up.

Anyway, if you are interested, some of the very best books, IMO, on nutrition are these:

Good Calories, Bad Calories: Fats, Carbs, and the Controversial Science of Diet and Health

and The Art and Science of Low Carbohydrate ... and Enjoyable

What piqued my interest in this issue was in 1998 I socked on 25 pounds when I quit smoking. My doctor placed me on a low fat, low calorie diet. I lost 2 net pounds in 4 months. [initially lost 4 and gained back 2] I was exercising every day but I felt so sick and tired and out of energy [very depressed too!] that I lived with a daily pounding headache and had to take a nap just to get through the day. My diet started out at 1500 calories per day [30% fat, 15% protein and 55% carbohydrates] A complete flop.

I switched to a low carb diet in Jan of 1999 and increased my calories to 1800-2000 per day. BUT, I changed the mix of macronutrients to 65% fat, 25% protein and 5% carbohydrates. I lost 40 pounds in 4 months and had more energy than I had had in months. I no longer had to take naps.

Studies consistently demonstrate that it is not calories that is the driving force, but macronutrient make up. And of course it would be because a calorie of fat is burned as metabolism whereas a excess calories of carbohydrate is converted to glucose and stored as fat.

There is so much good information out there now that it is hard to not know a good diet from a bad diet. People that promote bad diets are only counting on people's basic ignorance. And believe me, there is alot of ignorance.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes, getting older doesn't mean you have to let it all go.

My spinning class is full of 40 and 50 somethings. This is not some easy class either. It's 45 minutes of high intensity spin.

When I look at the Boot Camp classes, same thing. The guys I'm doing Cross Fit workouts with, all of us are in our 40s or 50s.

Hey, gotta stay fit to keep up with our teen kids. Parenting isn't for the weak smile

Originally Posted By: kilted_thrower
Perfectly good question. Dr. Harley does address this. One has to maintain reasonableness in their expectations. For example, if weight bothers teh husband/wife, then the otehr spouse should keep the weight off. Just because we get old doesn't mean we have to be fat. My grandmother is 78 and still jogs up to 5 miles a day, goes to the gym to lift weights a few times a week.

Jack lalane was still in great physical shape in his 80s. Maybe "ripped abs" might be unrealistic but not being fat isn't an unreasonable expectation.

But if you expect your spouse to look like a supermodel at 80, then that is unreasonable. In other words, if it's impossible, the expectations might be a bit high.

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I think it's already been said, but it's important to understand that weight is just ONE number to examine.

There are so many more. I eat bacon and eggs almost every day. Total cholesterol number: 162.

Sounds good right?

But my good C is a little low, my bad C a little high, and my triglycerides were a bit high.

So I don't have the everything bagel everyday with my breakfast smile

I was just reading today about low testosterone. I'm worried a bit because I'm in my late 40's and lost "one of my boys" to cancer back in '94.

Seems the low carb diets can reduce your testosterone levels. That may not be a side effects many guys want for a number of reasons. (One being man-boobs!)

After all, we had the Dr in Kansas I believe, who went on the C-store diet. He limited his calories to I believe 1800/day, but only ate snack foods like Twinkies and other items you would find at a 7-11 or similar store. He lost weight and I believe his cholesterol numbers even improved.

He's not touting it as the way to stay trim. But there is a certain amount of short term truth to Calories In-Calories Out.

I didn't realize how my weight had crept up. I've lost over 40 pounds since the beginning of June. Mostly by tracking what I eat and trying to workout at least 5 days a week.

I'll still have wings this Sunday for the Superbowl. But I'll probably have them naked, no breading smile

It's all about a good variety of foods, in moderation.

A pint of Hagen Daas is not a single serving. I believe it's four servings. There really isn't anything I'm missing. If I crave something, I plan for it, and control my portions.

It has really helped with sleeping, with staying focused at work, and in the bedroom with my bride. She likes the stronger, fitter me.

My goal is to reach the same level of fitness I had a quarter century ago when I was a young army officer.

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So it doesn't get lost in the shuffle - I repeat - A1, you need to first concentrate on getting appropriate UA time in before attacking this AS issue.

From the sound of your husband's schedule, I have doubts you have been maintaining 15 hours each and every week. You should try getting in 20+ hours a week for a month or two and revisit the AS need.

Not getting UA, and then spending time in a gym around fit people is likely creating contrast with your husband.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Ace, how much time do you and your husband spend together each week, just the two of you doing fun things together? I don't mean watching the news on TV, I mean like taking walks together, out to dinner for just the two of you, etc?


D-Day 2-10-2009
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EE, call around and find a doctor that is not opposed to testosterone replacement therapy. Then go get a physical with full blood work including testosterone free count.

Going too low on saturated fat will actually diminish testosterone more quickly than carbs.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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I had a full workup, and I'm normal. I get pretty detailed hormone and other bloodwork to follow up on the cancer every year, even 18 years later.

Well, I'm on 5000 iu of D3 because I dropped most of my milk consumption and 2000mg fish oil. While milk is healthy, I wasn't doing myself any favors by drinking the majority of a gallon a day. So my Dr put me on that and cut my BP meds in half. Since I'm starting to get dizzy spells when I get up, I'm hoping my next visit, we can drop my BP meds even lower or eliminate them entirely.

I went on them when my Ex wife left back in 2003. I was pretty much a wreck mentally and physically.

Back to the milk. Even skim milk is as calorie dense as soda. Just replacing skim milk with flavored waters was a good start. Finally in the past month or so, I've learned to like plain water as I try to drink 3-4 liters a day.

I went through almost 2L H20 this AM during the spin class and the follow on weight lifting.

Followed by three slices of center cut bacon, and an egg white omelette with green, red and orange peppers, mushrooms, onions and a slice of gouda cheese.

Yummy!

Today, I'll carry some unsalted almonds to snack on as well as a couple of granny smith apples and perhaps a banana.

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Ok, folks,

Given that Ace1 hasn't replied yet let me offer something for you all to consider about diet.

Most of you are well aware that the Japanese eat less beef than Americans right? They eat more fish and such. They have a lower rate of heart disease than we do.

Mexicans eat beef, tomales, sea food (if near the coast) and drink tequila/beer. They have a lower rate of heart disease than we do.

The French, bless their pointed heads, eat beef, liver pate', and cook with butter and drink little milk, but considerably more wine. They have a lower heart disease rate than we do.

Eskimo's (sp?) eat whale blubber, meat, and no vegetables and they have a lower heart disease rate than we do.

Do you know what one can conclude from this???????


Speaking English is bad for your heart. faint

Actually, one would wonder why the Eskimos' don't get scurvy given they don't eat fruit and vegetables. It turns out whale and seal blubber is high in vitamin C.

Many more things to say to Ace1 if she comes back.

God Bless,

JL

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Ok, point well taken. We definitely do not spend 15 hours ua a week. I mean, when would we? Our marriage has always been like this as far as time goes except perhaps when we were in college with more time or more energy or something, and no kids! But, I am going to take a good look at how much time we really do spend together and then, how much more we can fit in. He is gone traveling next week for work so it'll have to happen after that. Whether we spend that time together or not I do still think the physical fitness part will be an issue. And, I am so happy that he came home from work yesterday and worked out!! And has it on his calendar to do it again tonight so that is a good start!! I guess I will just keep focusing on trying to support his work outs and create time from him to work out and also, eat healthy. I'm not sure that he fully "gets" it that pa makes a HUGE difference for some people (me.) I mean, he kind of knows that it is a factor for me but doesn't really really see it. I guess I'm not sure what else to say on this post because it is pretty clear where my issues lay and also that we need to spend more time together.

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I'll bet you a big, shiny nickel that if you get a month in with 20 hours each week spent giving each other your undivided attention, and meeting the needs of intimate conversation, affection, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment you will feel more attracted and more in love with him than if he looked like a body builder and you continued your current life schedule.

I'm not dismissing your need for an Attractive Spouse, but even meeting that will have a better impact if you start meeting UA requirements.

A1, my wife has centerfold measurements naturally, and I LOVE attractive women, but it didn't mean a dang thing while our marriage was neglected.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I think HHH is right. I heard Dr. Harley say on an old radio broadcast that most people find their spouse more attractive when enough love units have been deposited for them to be in love. He's seen couples look deeply into each other's eyes with "the look of love" who seemed to find each other beautiful who, frankly, were not attractive in the least. smile

But that said, he says you should speak up about your need for physical attractiveness, and spouse's should try to meet this need for each other.

I would say this information means that if you will make sure to follow ALL of the Marriage Builders policies, that your husband will have a better chance to start meeting your need for an attractive spouse. He'll become more attractive and start meeting that need.

Prisca and I are more attractive to each other when we are meeting each other's needs. We've both noticed and mentioned this, I think.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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