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Agreed


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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Originally Posted By: indiegirl



Originally Posted By: Scotland
Why would you be kind to someone who has obviously weak boundaries? HE is married, Indie is married. He was trolling.


I sense a little bit of anger towards the nasty man trolling one of your plan b chicklets?? laugh

Dont worry hon, hes history.

Feel better?


You know what they say about mama bears and their cubs right? HEHEHEHE


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Done!

Unfriended.

I also changed settings so I am seen as offline. I turn it on sometimes to chat with girlfriends but since I am forgetful I wont do that any more as there is always a risk I will forget to put it back on.

At this rate I am going to end up with only ACTUAL friends on FB laugh


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: Scotland

Of course you crave human connection right now, but this is one MAJOR reason that the IMing feature has been disabled on this site. THis way, affairs can not begin between posters. THAT would be BAD BAD BAD.


My point exactly...

The MB forum is a safe place to... talk about, connect with... brainstorm with... and sympathize with other people who are in... or have been in the same situation you are in.

Facebook is not.

As far as boundaries go... You know what your boundaries are. You don't know what his are... So simply state your boundaries.

Like this...

Co-worker,

I see that you tried to chat with me on facebook the other day about your marital problems. Although I do sympathize with your situation, I feel that I'm in a vulnerable situation myself. It wouldn't be appropriate for me to chat or text someone of the opposite sex. Quite honestly it makes me feel uncomfortable. If you do need to talk to someone in a safe enviroment I'd suggest going to the MB forum.

I wouldn't nessasarily un-friend him. But, if he doesn't respect your boundaries ... Then un-friend him.

Just my 2 cents.... you're the commander on the ground and have the best feel for the situation and what was said.


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
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Quote:
At this rate I am going to end up with only ACTUAL friends on FB


I KNOW. I cut out almost 100 people. They weren't all male, but I also removed anyone who was a WS(except my SIL), and people whose lives were filled with DRAMA. I may need to do another round of thinning out of FB "friends."


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted By: indiegirl
Done!

Unfriended.


I guess I need to learn how to type faster....LOL laugh


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
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Originally Posted By: Amazin


I see that you tried to chat with me on facebook the other day about your marital problems. Although I do sympathize with your situation, I feel that I'm in a vulnerable situation myself. It wouldn't be appropriate for me to chat or text someone of the opposite sex. Quite honestly it makes me feel uncomfortable. If you do need to talk to someone in a safe enviroment I'd suggest going to the MB forum.



I dont know what he wanted to chat about on FB because I went offline immediately.

Funnily enough Amazin, I did say something along these lines when he raised his marital probs one day at work. He also mentioned hed been chatting about it to a female friend.

I said people in our sitch should only confide in same sex friends and I recommended the MB site. When he tried to raise his marital probs again, I just didnt engage.

Then a bit later on he was moaning about his wife having all male friends and said 'I dont think men and women can be friends do you?' I said 'no' just shot him a look and walked off.

I am only right now putting all this stuff together, but it doesnt add up.

I get betrayed, he gets betrayed

Then he says women are great to talk to about this stuff

So I say men and women cant be friends,

So he says the same

Then he goes against this with an FB message.

I think I was so busy ignoring him I didnt get on to it.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Well... Like I said youre the commander on the ground and have the best "feel" for the situation.

Typing is one thing... But there are subtle perceptible nuances in face to face (or voice to voice) communications that are not perceptible in typed messages. So if hes saying things at work that are creeping you out... Go with your gut feeling.


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
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Can you reach a point where you want to draw a line under Plan B?

I know that a D is a pretty final statement but I was thinking of going further. People can always get remarried after a D, after all.

The longer Plan B goes on without a concerted effort towards our marriage from him, the more I lose respect and motivation for the hard slog of a potential recovery.

If it gets to the point of a D, I am considering asking my IM to never pass on any message to me, even the 'I will do NC' messgage.

I would not do this now, I am nowhere near ready to pull that plug, but I have started thinking about it.

If we were to do recovery at this stage or a few months further on, I would not be able to respect the fact he held so stubbornly for so long to his lies. RH is my top need and I think it is draining my love bank quite effectively.

How did others manage an end to Plan Bing? Is it just a move into FU? I wouldnt do that, I would never want any contact with my unrepentant attacker.

Last edited by indiegirl; 02/02/12 06:58 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Without the lifelong tie of children, I think that you can probably move away from ANY contact after a D. Like you said, you could just not get anything from IM anymore, and let it go.

The anger stage is pretty rampant about 6 months into recovery, either marital or personal. The best part, after you get that anger out is that you will feel more at peace. At least that's what I feel. I don't feel the betrayal as raw as I did. Now, anything that I feel is about the things he does NOW. That is only because of the kidlets, without them, I wouldn't know ANYTHING.

Let yourself get angry. Write it down(without EVER sending it to OW or Softlad), and then burn it. I think it's all a part of the process.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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I dont feel any anger at all Scot. Maybe it will show up.

I get an exasperated head shaking feeling sometimes, that's about it. I dont feel love or respect for him.

Or rather I can feel it lessening.

My birthday by the way is on Valnetines Day.

I havent made any plans for the day. I am doing something on the weekend with girlfriends.

Is this a terrible idea. I think I will be fine, but I know how Plan B can fool you.

Basically everyone is coupled up and I dont want to grab anyone away from that for my birthday. I can celebrate at the weekend.

Thats not to say I cant do some indulgent stuff solo though, eh?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I think your rose colored glasses are slipping off.







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It's my puppy's 2nd birthday on VDay too.

I understand how you don't want to take anyone else away from the ones they love on VDay. You should still plan something for yourself. Celebrate YOUR day. Birthdays are a big deal in my family, they always have been. It was the one day where we got to stay home from school, pick what was for dinner, and what kind of cake we were going to have. Also, NO CHORES. Even if you just take a long bubble bath, and paint your toes, it's good for YOU to do SOMETHING to celebrate how wonderfully you have become. laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Originally Posted By: reading
I think your rose colored glasses are slipping off.





Ive been thinking about this reading and sadly, I dont think they have.

I still think of him (when I allow this) as the man I want to be with and I would love to take a shot at recovery.

However feelings follow actions. If I want to draw a line under things, that's exactly what I must do.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: indiegirl
Originally Posted By: reading
I think your rose colored glasses are slipping off.





Ive been thinking about this reading and sadly, I dont think they have.

I still think of him (when I allow this) as the man I want to be with and I would love to take a shot at recovery.

However feelings follow actions. If I want to draw a line under things, that's exactly what I must do.

I totally get this indie... I'm thinking and feeling the same. About marriage and personal recovery.

In my mind I know what my marriage was, what is is now, and what it could be (with MB). I also know what my life in the future can be, without WH. For that, a line does need to be drawn to move forward without hestitation.

Is there a point where there is no going back for the BS? I think there is. But if I'm asking the question, I know I am not there yet... are you?


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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I have no idea!

He would have to do some pretty impressive hoop jumping to get my attention. I would give him the opportunity, thats all I know. Nothing he does may be enough at this point though.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I am amazed - completely amazed at how cool I feel today, the day before Valentines Day and my birthday.

I should be missing WH - shouldnt I? I've had to force myself to consider this, and when I do, I just get the feeling that all I am missing is his disappointing me!

Even though past Valentines Days were great, even the last one, I dont think of him in the past tense any more. I think of him in the present - as a wayward.

I am going in to work, going to share some cake with my colleagues. Then later I am getting all dressed up to go to McDonalds with a girlfiend, just for a laugh.

I feel brilliant. It's kind of astounding. Roll on 33.

I even (finally) went to get STD tested (dont shout! i know I should have done it before) When I enquired about it with a nurse, months ago. Just the idea of doing it made me cry. But the reality hasnt shook me up at all.

I dont think I am off the hook that easy, though. I am sure Plan B has a few more kinks and lows in the rollercoaster, before I can get off. Maybe one will even happen tomorrow. Im just going to be grateful for all the good days.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Happy to hear your feeling awesome. It sounds like your dancing on your tippy toes. Have a great birthday.


"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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Indie,

Your post is so wonderful, I can hear the peace in your words, the excitement about a new day and making it a good day for you and your friends.....
Tomorrow you think of this post and how cool you felt and how new beginnings are good too............new memories are good too..........
Happy Birthday Indie, 33 is so young so much life is left for you, don't waste it Indie...........
Have fun tomorrow, smile at everyone you see.........I still love watching couples in love it gives me hope that the whole world hasn't lost it.
Enjoy your day


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Hey there Indie,

I think about taking my WXW back all the time (mostly because of the kids) and what she would have to do for me to even consider it.

But at this time after all the lies, the selfishness, the narcissism, and general craziness, I just have no attraction to her whatsoever anymore.

It's pretty weird because I used to lust for this woman.

You've been in Plan B since June. You've got no kids. You're a much stronger woman now. I'd say it's going to be pretty darn tough for Softlad to win you back.

TE


BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011

Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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