I'll try to keep this short.

I have been legally divorced for about 10 years, but "emotionally" divorced only since he found a new wife 4 1/2 years ago. Right after he got engaged he moved really fast...was looking at engagement rings with my daughter within a couple of weeks of meeting her and deciding she was "the one"). I kind of went off the deep end and was desperate and vulnerable and not prepared for the dating situation where men want sex right away and I was really shocked that ANYONE found me sexually attractive because my husband didn't. My ex had been my first boyfriend and I had been in a relationship of some kind with him for 26 years.

So, I met a guy who I knew immediately was commitmentphobic, but it didn't matter because I was secretly hoping my ex's new marriage would fall apart so I could get my family back together. This new man I met was such a comfort and a good friend but 3 months after I met him, I found myself pregnant. He dumped me halfway through my pregnancy after I asked him for a commitment. As soon as the baby was born, we reconnected, but we never got the old relationship back. This was strictly business. Co-parenting only.

Well, the child is now 3 years old. He has not dated anyone and has made it clear that he doesn't want me to date anyone else, either. He has NO desire to have an emotionally intimate and affectionate relationship with me. He knows it isn't fair to say, "I don't want a relationship with you, but since you are the mother of my child and I don't want another man in her life, you can't have a relatinship with anyone else." Yet, every time I try to date, he makes a big fuss and mentions wanting to get full custody of our child. We currently have almost a 50/50 arrangement, with me being the primary residential parent.

This last time I tried to date, he insisted that he didn't have a problem with it (but he has always said that until I actually do it, then the protests start) and I got him to promise me that if he started freaking out about our daughter eventually being with another man in her life, he would get counseling. Well, he has kept his promise, but I don't know what to do.

I have struggled with this issue ever since I found out I was pregnant. I don't want my child to have a stepfather, yet I crave an intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I want to love and be loved and to have someone to share his life with me.

I have tried to deny my needs, but it only works for a while. I really loved this man a lot at one point. He really cared for me and enjoyed my company until he felt trapped in the relationship because of the child.

Part of me thinks I should just be alone because it is such a struggle to try to date. I am not excited about the men I have met, although it is nice to spend some time with a man who is with me because he WANTS to be, not because he HAS to be.

My therapist has encouraged me to live my own life, to date, to not bow to this man's wishes when I want something different. But he gets so upset and controlling...is it worth the stress?

Every time he makes a fuss over me dating, I tell him that HE should be in a relationship with me. A mutually satisfying relationship. He has not even tried to deal with his commitmentphobia. He still tries to simply say we are not compatible and he can't make himself have feelings for me. He avoids doing things that would build intimacy. He often has a hard time even looking me in the eye, unless I am angry and there is emotional distance. He has not been alone with me ever since he dumped me. He avoids physical contact. We usually get along okay and spend lots of time together as a family, but there is no intimacy.

I told him the other day (when he suddenly came up with about 4 different issues to complain about) that we would all be so much better off if he'd deal with his phobia and could be together. I don't need that much from him. He wouldn't have to live with me, and what I really wanted from him, I could get if he was in a coma. I could sit with him and hold his hand and talk to him for as long as I wanted and I could imagine he was listening and what he would like to say to me. I could kiss him and run my fingers through his hair. I have told him repeatedly that I didn't even have to have sex, I just needed a very little bit of quality time and physical touch. Fifteen hours a week? I told him I would settle for 20 minutes alone with him a week, or even a 20 minute phone call that was open and honest and mutally desired. When I think back to when things were good, between the 2 nights a week I could see him and the long phone calls in between, I am pretty sure we had more than that, and I found my relationship so much more pleasant and intimate than the relationship I had with my husband for most of those years.

I am upset that therapists don't seem to value relationships. They seem to say, if you don't like this one, go try another one. My situation is more complicated than many. I really didn't like the advice my therapist gave me...to stop waiting in limbo just in case he someday decided he wanted a relationship with me. He said that this man would NEVER want me if I kept doing what I had been doing for the past 3 years...trying to be pleasant and patient and deny my own needs. He told me that the only chance of something happening, and it was far from any guarantee, was for me to go take care of meeting my own relationship needs.

I do know that there is no man I would rather be with because he has a lot of things RIGHT about him. Mostly, he is the father of my child and life would just be easier without bringing in stepfamilies. I really don't have time or energy to start a new relationship, anyway, even if I do meet someone with marriage potential.

He invited me to dinner and I turned him down last night. He said we needed to talk and he was practically begging me to meet him. I said I wasn't comfortable having dinner, that I would be glad to meet him with a therapist. I don't want to get "sucked in" to believing he is starting to get close to me. The only reason he has suddenly started pursuing me (and I think the "picking fights" is actually a subconcious way he is pursuing me for my time and attention) is because I am distancing from him. I told him that if I started hanging out with him as a family again (we just stopped last month)I know that as soon as I started getting comfortable, he would start distancing again. I am sick of it.

He has enjoyed far too much involvement in and control over my life. When I tell him that my daughter is free to have a life with me and do things with me that we enjoy without his interference, and he can have the same thing with his time with her, he still isn't satisfied.

All I have ever wanted was to be a wife and mother and have a stable and happy home life. I can't believe things have turned out like this for me.

Are you certain this guy is single?

Well, you're not going to like my advice, either.

Stop waiting for this man to come around and decide he loves you. If he wanted to make a commitment to you he would have done it long ago. Even if this guy gets over his "commitment-phobia" he doesn't want YOU. He hooked up with you because you're not his type and he will never want to commit to you. That's what men do when they are emotionally unavailable.

You deserve someone better than this who will love you freely and fully. Not this jerk. And someone better is out there.

You said that you don't have enough time and energy to find someone new. Well, the reason you don't have enough time and energy is because you are spending way too much time with Mr. Unavailable and you are using up all your emotional energy trying to figure why he doesn't love you.

I strongly recommend that you use what we refer to here as "Plan B". When you go into Plan B, you have little to no contact with the person who is causing you pain. You obviously can't have total no contact with the father of your child, but you can get close.

Here is some information about how to do a Plan B with children involved.
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Here's an excerpt that you might find helpful.



It sounds like you have attempted to do a mild Plan B. That's not really good enough because he keeps contacting you and bothering you. When you go to a full-blown Plan B, the father of your child may get really upset. If he does, it's not because he loves you. He will do it because he is too controlling. If he threatens you in any way, you will need to get a restraining order. I had to call the cops on my ex-husband one time and it freaked him out so much that he mostly stopped trying to tell me what to do. I didn't need a RO, but I would have done it if I needed to.

I also suggest that you try a DivorceCare group. While it's been a long time since you divorced your husband, you don't really sound like you're over it. Plus some of the material will help you deal with the broken relationship with the father of your child.

And, finally, there's a blog that you might find helpful. It's called Baggage Reclaim. There's a lot of advice about dating jerks and unavailable men and how to do better.

Kirby you should get a degree as a therapist. Seriously.

I don't have any wise words because obviously I'm whacked out myself, but I'll tell you what my goal is for my life and I think it would apply to you. I'm working on being happy in my new single life. Your single life isn't really new but it doesn't sound like you have found YOU yet. Everything I have read on here and on the net stresses the importance of finding YOURSELF before you try to complicate things with a partner. You can't know what you want in a partner if you don't know who you are. It sounds easier than it really is so you need to give yourself some time. The Divorce Care daily emails are a great help to me. I think the classes would be wonderful too but they are not offered close enough for me to warrant going to them. If I didn't have kids, it would be a different story.

Just because this man is your baby's daddy does not mean he is THE ONE for you. He has had plenty of opportunity to commit. He has you where he wants you. My ex was very controlling even though he did it in a way that I didn't recognize until I got out and looked back on my life. Because of the emotional abuse and the control issues, I still have problems making decisions for myself. I second guess everything I say/do. Is this what you want for your life?

When I was a teenager I had confidence in myself. If I liked a guy, I knew it was a matter of time before he would be interested (and I didn't chase them either). After I got married, I lost all of my confidence. I started comparing myself to others and came up lacking. It was the verbal abuse I got from my ex that did it but I didn't realize it until it was too late. I stayed in my marriage for the sake of my oldest child. He swore over the years he would change. I thought he had for 8 years. During that time we had our youngest child. I stayed in the marriage for the sake of BOTH of my children at this point. What good did that do me? I'm now divorced and single. Something I never wanted. My point is - do what is best for YOU. Take your children into consideration, but do what YOU need because this is the only life you will have. I promise you that your children will be OK. Especially when they see that their mother is happier.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I agree with your therapist and also the advice given here. Why settle for way beneath what you deserve? Your daughter deserves to grow up in a happy home and see healthy working relationships. You need to stop trying to change this man and he needs to stop trying to control you. He has no right to have a say so in your dating life because you have no commitments with each other. Please stop deluding yourself into thinking it could ever work with him. If he loved you and wanted you, he would have demonstrated it a long time ago.

There's a lot worse things than being alone, and being in a relationship with the wrong person is worse. Thank your lucky stars he didn't marry you because you never would have been happy with the crumbs thrown your way.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it hurts, but your life can be so much better!

A wise person listens and considers advice given them while a fool does not hear those who give advice meant for their good.

You are getting some good advice here. Also, the time and energy now has to be used to care for your child. I bought Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders CD set to understand the types of mindsets out there regarding marriage, including my own mindset. You may want to order those and get an idea.

He hasn't wanted to have sex in 3 years. I don't know why, but when the baby was 3 months old, he wanted to have sex. I was so upset and confused and I asked him if he wanted to marry me (I told him after i got pregnant that he needed to marry me if he wanted to have sex) and he said no, he wanted to marry a Turkish woman.

Why would he want to have sex when he can't even bring himself to sit alone with me for a few minutes and have a cup of coffee? He has steadfastly refused to spend any time alone with me. He seems terrified of the idea of being alone with me.

What does that tell you?

He tried to get me to hug him last night, he said he would do anything I wanted him to do...he wants to be my friend. He almost looked like he was going to cry and he said "I can't raise her by myself." I told him we didn't have to be friends to effectively co-parent this child. I told him he should take a parenting class and he said maybe I am right.

yes, I am sure he is single.

Dr Harley recommends that you should marry the person who does the BEST job of meeting your needs. Since he fails completely in that regard, I would suggest you date until you find a suitable match.

Thank you for all the good advice. I think "parallel parenting" is a better choice for me than the "co-parenting"
Plan B is full of good info.
I will always be sad that this relationship, and my marriage, didn't work out. Children deserve better than this.

The best advice I can give you is to visit www.baggagereclaim.com and read everything on that site. It is a site dedicated to dealing with emotionally unavailable people. I think you will find it very enlightening and help you deal with your Mr. Unavailable as well as help you grow.

I clicked on that site and right away I see:
My 10 Commandments of Smart Dating

1. Have boundaries.
2. Don't allow yourself to be treated as an option.
3. Don't let yourself be used for sex.
4. Only date with your self-esteem in tow.
5. You have to share common values with your partners.
6. It's imperative to date beyond your comfort zone of 'type'.
7. Don't let your sexual organs make decisions for you.
8. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever get involved with attached people - FLUSH!
9. Don't let yourself be managed via text/email etc.
10. Be a person of action & trust your gut!

Maintaining healthy boundaries has always been hard for me. I have always seen myself as the one more committed to make the relationship work, the more "mature", the "stonger", the one more able to make sacrifices. And oh, how have I sacrificed, both in my marriage and also in this relationship with my little girl's father.

I have an almost perfect "parallel parenting" relationship with my ex-husband and I a optimistic about eventually having one with my little one's father.

I am the one controlling MY life. It is high time I started taking care of MYSELF instead of everyone else. I guess I always felt that there was something noble in trying to make myself happy with the crumbs left over after the men in my life took all they wanted for themselves. I can't say that both my ex-husband and my little one's dad are all bad. They are not. And I have always admired and appreciated all their good qualities. The little one's dad, especially, does a lot of things right. We just aren't on the same page and he has always been in control and I have been made to respect his very rigid and almost unreasonable boundaries, but he has ignored mine. Mine aren't that many in number nor are they what any outside observer would call "unreasonable".

I am sad, though. I remember how things were with my little one's father before I got pregnant. I remember how close we were and how much we enjoyed each other's company. I was amazed at how close we were...and how much I smiled and laughed when I was with him. Even though I deeply loved my ex, I can't say that we had much "fun" together. That was what I envied so much about some other couples.

I need to quit thinking about the things that were right about that relationship. Nothing matters since he has consistently said he doesn't want a relationship with me.

I really don't know if I will be able to ever find a good mate. Who would want a 45 year old woman with two teenagers and a 3 year old?

It is so hard to not settle for a "better than nothing" relationship when you feel like your options are so limited.

The real problem is not the second sentence here but the first. As long as you have that kind of an attitude, you will indeed attract the wrong men and will not find a good partner.

Before you can even consider finding a good partner, you need to realize/decide that you are a good catch, worthy of a good partner. For every day that you are spending with Mr. Can't Commit, you are wasting one day's opportunities of finding Mr. Right.

AGG

Oh, I am definitely not wasting any time with Mr. Can't Commit. I do think I am a good catch, as a person, and I am certainly worthy of a "good partner", it is just that my situation in my life right now is pretty complicated. If I were a man, the kind of man I am looking for, I would pass me over as a wife, but if I wasn't looking to get married, I would definitely be interested. I am reasonably attractive, pleasant company, intelligent and I have what so many people call a "sparkling" personality. I am a positive person and I like to smile at strangers and brighten the day of others in everyway I can.

I have dedicated my life to learning how to be a good wife and mother. I have really studied so much about relationships, if I could only have a chance with a "normal" man, I think we would both enjoy the rest of our lives together. I didn't really pick my baby's dad. He was just someone who was friendly and let me cry on his shoulder (literally) while I was grieving from losing my family unit. Having the baby changed everything and got me stuck. I would find it much easier, I think, to find a man around my age who would be interested in me, if I didn't have this 3 year old, but she is such a joy to me and I am so glad I chose to not give her up for adoption, like her father wanted me to do. My ex-husband's other wife (who divorced him before their 3rd anniversary) had a teenaged son still at home, and that didn't stop him from wanting her. I couldn't believe it.

I am definitely "available" and I am up front with men about my availability. I have very little time to invest in a new relationship, but I had a good relationship with my baby's dad for 7 1/2 months with not much more "spare" time or energy than I have now.

I know I could easily find a "boyfriend" but a husband is more complicated.

And I have these mental blocks against thinking it is okay for me to live with a man who is not the father of my children while they are still at home. So, if I could find a man who wanted to marry me, but not live with me for 15 years, I'd be all set! LOL! I am working on some hangups, obviously.

I never dreamed I'd be looking for at mate at 45 years of age! When I married at age 20, I thought I was set for life!

Well, I think you are contradicting yourself all over the place here .

You clearly are living with the hope or dream (or illusion ) that Mr. Can't Commit will see the light if you only nag him long enough. And you are NOT ready to have any other man in your life:




Compare that to these, where you trying to tell us that you are available to the right man. Both of these cannot be true at the same time :



Your therapist is absolutely right, you need to lose the guy who has shown no interest whatsoever in you as a partner.

As for this:



Maybe that is your problem, thinking that no one would want you and/or your kids. That is a defeatist attitude. I met a wonderful lady about your age, who loved the idea of me having TWO teenage kids, and we have been happily married for over 2 years already . You are really setting yourself up for failure by thinking that no one will want you.

AGG

Well, I have to say that perhaps I have not explained things very well. I have been struggling for a long time to feel okay about having a relationship with a different man. I will always feel like it would have been best IF Mr. Can't Commit had tried a little harder. Even he has acknowledged how much easier it would have been for everyone if he had felt differently.

I had a kind of a breakthrough about a week and a half ago and although I did have a blowup with him a few days ago (it had to do with his threats and him being way out of line in trying controlling my behavior in other ways) I was thinking and speaking in PAST TENSE as in I wish he WOULD have tried to have a relationship. I think one reason he is taking drastic measures (threats, control, then when that didn't work, trying to reach out to me and be extra nice, saying we need to talk and he'll do whatever I want) is because he knows things have changed dramatically. I am DONE with HIM other than a parallel parenting arrangement. I am going to counseling with him tomorrow at his request, but it is not to work on our "relationship" to bring us closer together, it is to help us adjust to the new, more distanced relationship and the problems he is having, which I don't think he is being up front with his counselor about.

I really am not in a position to get into a "committed" relationship right now. I am pretty shell shocked and have some work I need to do. I do want to continue to date, though...there is something I like about every man I go out with, I just haven't met one yet who really strikes me as being a potential good fit.

I think Susan Page said something about rather than thinking you can't connect with someone new because you haven't gotten over the old relationship, you should think you haven't gotten over the old relationship because you haven't connected with someone new.

I don't think my situation is hopeless, I just think it is challenging. But maybe things will work out sooner than I think. I definitely need some time to heal from this bust-up, though.

I don't know Susan Page, but this sound back asswards to me... Sort of like "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone", yikes.

I have a few more thoughts I'll share tomorrow, I gotta go play with the family now .

AGG

It's backwards to me too...you don't get over someone by finding someone else, you get yourself in a healthy state and THEN you're more ready for that next person.

Don't worry about no one thinking you're wife material, just know you are a good person with positive qualities and enjoy the life you have. NONE of us knows what the future holds, if we'll remain single or find that someone we click with, but we should be open to the possibility.

I don't know what you have against stepparents but don't you feel you're prejudging people who might be the best thing that happened to your children? My late husband was a wonderful stepparent to my kids, and they were age 17 and 19 when we married. It's nearly 7 years since he passed and they still miss him and wish he could have been a grandpa to their future children.