((((((((Sally))))))))))

I hope you are reading.

I know how hard it is to hear what he told you, how much you don�t want it to be true. How impossible it seems.

As for more snooping, you don�t really need proof, you now have his admission that this was a PA.

No matter that he then backtracked, he admitted it. Besides which an EA is just as horrible and you already knew about that.

Expose far and wide.

Your husband is way too comfortable lying to you, exposure gives him nowhere to hide. It makes him face consequences. He will veer and duck and dive and spin the truth without being forced to walk a straight line with you. He has also made no headway with getting rid of the OW. He is probably still appeasing her behind your back. However once the truth is out there he will be forced to stop the double life.

The OW is clearly persistent and refuses to leave your marriage alone. She has probably been lied to and led to believe the relationship is serious, that your h will leave you for her. She probably has plans to introduce him to her friends and family as a new boyfriend who was single when they met. If you expose you will ruin those plans and spoil the romantic fantasy. You will never recover until you get this woman out of the picture and exposure will help do that.

Expose to everyone who has influence over the affair partners � his side, her side and expose to your family and friends for the support.

I know it is daunting and there are a lot of �what ifs� but it is never a bad idea to speak the truth. Don�t help them lie to everyone.

Caracal, and Sally, I need to get going this morning, but I wanted to post a quick note.

This affair needs to be exposed MONDAY(I would say today, but since the plan is Monday, we'll go with it). Get that list ready, Caracal can help, and get the exposure letter ready. If you believe that your WH is using his work computer and phone to have the affair, then his workplace should also be informed, as he is using their resources to carry out an affair. Get a keylogger on the computer at home, get a GPS and VAR in the car. Change ALL phone numbers and email addresses. Ask for a polygraph.

I know money is tight, but a divorce will cost you more. You need to do this. And please, start posting so you can get the support you need from us. It's easier to talk directly to you Sally.

I haven't had a shot at marriage recovery so just want to ensure I am offering the best advice to Sally since she hasn't posted here. I know it would be better if she did but any advice I can give her would be better than none.

There have been some important parts of the plans that have not been completed and now Sally and WH are struggling. I am worried Sally is getting to breaking point ... Recovery does not look easy.

Brief update: After Sally contacted OW's BH her WH made full confession to EA and PA that lasted for nearly 12 months. WH committed to NC immediately however NCL not written. All phone numbers changed, FB shut down and Sally changed password. WH gives phone to her for her to check records. All IB activities have stopped.

Partial exposure.... WH told his parents, his brother, best man and his wife, and his employer and some colleagues. His boss and colleagues are supportive of transparency, and Sally has been copied in to emails whenever WH leaves the building. No exposure to Sally's side other than me at WH's request, Sally feels mixed about this. Other than the intial phone call to OW's BH where Sally told him of EA, there has been no other exposure to him. Given OW is harrassing Sally and WH, WH reported the matter to police and filed for an intervention order for him and Sally. This will not be heard for months, and police are not pursuing the fraudulent FB pages that OW has created to stalk him and Sally. WH seems committed to NC with OW, has gotten a solicitor involved that he and Sally are borrowing money for, and letters have been sent to OW asking her to sign written agreement to NC until Court. To date this has not met with any response.

No overnights apart. WH only goes out alone (rarely) and when he does it is with a male exposure target who is marriage friendly. UA needs to improve. WH seems committed to this, it is Sally who says she feels she is suffocating under his attention. WH has given Sally a timeline of A, and answers all questions. WH is very concerned Sally is going to give up on him and the marriage. Both have read SAA.

I think the biggest hurdle at this point is OW continues to attempt contact directly and indirectly. These triggers seem harder for Sally than WH, WH says he had already gone through withdrawal before A was discovererd and was trying to extricate himself (this seems to match up with the evidence too). He now just worries about how the triggers effect Sally. Yesterday WH got a "gift" from OW delivered to his workplace. He opened it before realising it was from OW (no return address or name). It was a CD. WH immediately contacted Sally to tell her, leading Sally to discover they shared a schmoopie song. Sally says she doesn't know how much longer she will want to keep trying with these triggers from OW, and is starting to think it would be easier to give up although she worries about the kids.

Sally regrets not exposing fully to OW's BH now, but is in a difficult position since she is unable to contact OW due to legal proceedings. Anyone got legal advice about if contacting OW's BH could be interpreted as indirectly passing message on?

Any other advice on what I should be encouraging Sally with?

What kind of legal proceedings are preventing re-exposure?

I'm interested as to why she does not post, Caracal.

Not into MB principles or what?

If she doesnt like the principles, there's little you can do to get her to follow them.

Im massively concerned about a number of non-MB traits to this recovery.

WH gets to choose exposure and he chooses not to do it on one side? Pardon?


This means no support for Sally so no wonder she is struggling with resentment. Its a worrying lack of truth facing/guts from WH too,


Also sounds like there has been no poly so WH has been left free to trickle truth to his hearts content.

Caracal you know that ANY deviation - even a small one - from the MB plan is disastrous.

They need to get on the plan properly.

I would be counselling full tilt with the harleys in their shoes too.

A marriage is too important a thing to tinker about with amateurishly.

In your shoes I would tell them where the gaps in their plan are, tell them the effects of those gaps and hope they see the effects and act before it is too late.

Sally and WH are trying to get an intervention / restraining order on OW. In interim their solicitor has asked OW to sign a written agreement but she has not signed this.

Thanks Indie, the resentment is the killer here. You are right that the deviations just don't work. I will talk again with Sally, lay it out for her. The exposure needs to be done fully. And the cowards way out for WH is worrying me let alone Sally.

Just want to be sure I am on the right track to try and get them on it too!

Completely agree with indie here, and since nothing has been signed or filed, there are no legal barriers to be concerned about,

I'm also curious as to why she won't post here.

If shes not into posting, tell her to call the counselling centre

If she isnt into that then we are here for her.

She prob feels too sideswiped to insist he expose properly

Thats what the support of MB is for - to encourage you to get the support in RL.

Honestly she has experienced the trauma comparable to that of abuse or rape and she has to keep quiet about it to the people she loves?

Disgusting.

I agree. Sally has been feeling unsupported.

Okay, so WH opened the present, and then he told Sally that it was a CD from OW and BTW we shared a song together? These are things that should have been brought out already. There should be NO secrets between them about the affair, at all.

WH also shouldn't be going out without Sally AT ALL. And UA time is CRUCIAL. Not only do they need to spend time together but they need that time to be mutually fulfilling meeting the 4 most intimate ENs of RC, Aff, SF, and Con. Do you have HNHN which you would get them to read as well? How about LB? These two books are also important parts of the MB plan.

Now why is this NCL not written yet? Unless WH is willing to write one, he leaves the avenue open for contact.

Now, when WH receives ANY mailings to his workplace, he should have it redirected to someone else FIRST, they can open it and pass on only what is necessary(and NOT from OW).