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Originally Posted by Scotland
I think it's a Canadian thing. grin

Hey Scotland and Reynolds...

Please note that, even though y'all mentioned it first, I didn't take the "Canadian" bait and run off with this thread.

But it was oh so tempting... grin

Glad to hear you're still around, stretch.


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Tim,
Thanks for the update. You sound like me in a few months. My state also streamlines.

My reinvention is going well, Stretch will always grow and 'stretch' himself.


Me: 43
ExWW: 44
Married 16yrs. 4 children

EA (ExWW): May-Nov 2009 + Aug-Dec 2010
D-DAY JAN 30, 2011
Exposure: FEB 7, 2011
Contact Again: Apr 25, 2011
Divorce Final Sept 2012

"I want to be married and stay married. Now I uunderstand the kind of marriage I want and we all deserve. But I also know it takes two to want to Build that Marriage."
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So, did you file?


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No way. Not going to. I always said.
I expect to be served in a week. I am ready. Got a fine lawyer.


Me: 43
ExWW: 44
Married 16yrs. 4 children

EA (ExWW): May-Nov 2009 + Aug-Dec 2010
D-DAY JAN 30, 2011
Exposure: FEB 7, 2011
Contact Again: Apr 25, 2011
Divorce Final Sept 2012

"I want to be married and stay married. Now I uunderstand the kind of marriage I want and we all deserve. But I also know it takes two to want to Build that Marriage."
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Is your wife still living in the house with you and the kids?


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Yes. I told her she needs to leave. Get an apt and start your 50/50 visitation. Get used to it.

Lawyers advise agaihst it. Really nothing you can do to a squatter. Its ridiculous. But all my lawyers have said the same thing. Basically, Yep, its not easy. She should leave if she wants the divorce but no one will ever advise that. Common lawyering. You are stuck Stretch.

I want to get a resolution in place where she can experience the separation. Right now, I told her as I saw it, she is staying to enjoy all the parts of the marriage that she likes. And cannot admit.

Anyway, gang, this is not a divorce builders forum. So I am not here for divorce advice.

I am fully open to a fully recovered marriage. I say that and demonstrate that. I am not walking out of my home and family. I intend to stay here. But really, I cannot make her leave. I have begged the lawyers for solutions.

Talking with Steve again tomorrow.

Last edited by stretch123; 01/31/12 08:12 PM.

Me: 43
ExWW: 44
Married 16yrs. 4 children

EA (ExWW): May-Nov 2009 + Aug-Dec 2010
D-DAY JAN 30, 2011
Exposure: FEB 7, 2011
Contact Again: Apr 25, 2011
Divorce Final Sept 2012

"I want to be married and stay married. Now I uunderstand the kind of marriage I want and we all deserve. But I also know it takes two to want to Build that Marriage."
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Spent an hour with Steve Harley. In sum:

"Do not leave your home. Continue to demonstrate the best. Continue to let her know that you believe in marital recovery. This is the best solution for you, it is certainly technically possible (she agrees what Steve says makes a lot of sense, she is just "guided by her feelings and her heart" so she doesn't want to try whay Steve says). There is someone out there who says its possible and ready to coach."

When the summons and petition comes, be firm, be confident and stand my ground. Be respectful, avoid LBs. But do not respond. Drag my feet. Say, "I do not agree with this, I won't play along with the D." And wait as long as possible. Get a continuance. To be clear, Steve says I should retain a lawyer and be prepared. But prepared to contest it. Do not play along. I don't believe D is best. I believe in another way.

Some other things Steve shared:

"I must persuade her the relationship is worth saving. Logic did not do it. But that effort was not a total waste. She admitted it is possible. Its just that her inner emotions contradict it. To persuade her I must continue to demonstrate value. The energy and time that saving our marriage would take is worthwhile."

"She may say a lot of challenging things. Use a lot of LB's. Such as....
'I single handedly raised these kids.'
'I do 95% of the childcare.'
'You have Aspbergers.'
'You are a narcissist.'
'My affair was not an affair. Get over it.'
'You make no effort to make me happy.'
'You need to heal your relationship with your kids. You're a horsesh*t housekeeper and a half-*ss parent'
'The sky is purple'
'One plus one equals five.'

However, Steve explains, "Don't feel the need to always correct. Just listen. If there is no question and no invitation to respond, then don't. She is venting. Just listen." I don't have to agree. I won't agree if I am asked. But its a DJ to just voluntarily spout my opinion and correct her when that wasn't asked for.

I am just listening to someone who has a flawed sense of math. Someone who is not in a learning mode. And correcting just leads to more conflict.

"Trying a Plan B is a strategy for someone married to an active wayward -- an on-going affair. Leaving the home right now is just what she wants." Conserve my emotional energy. Its a precious commodity.

"Hold your ground. Be clear that you believe D is wrong. You believe in a better solution Stretch. You know this can be done. Continue to witness that. Believe it. Demonstrate it."

"Because the open wound of the A was never dealt with... all your efforts have been clouded. From the moment it started in May 2009.... until it ended but still affected her.... while the two of you were in phony therapy and Stretch was facing invisible obstacles... after D-Day and exposure.... and through today... its still affected one or both. Both most of the time (even before D-Day... Stretch was being affected.) So all efforts at marital recovery have really been clouded."

I feel really good. In charge of myself and firm in my will. The summons and petition will come. But she has a light on inside somewhere. Plenty of doubt. I won't beg or plead. Just acknowledge it. State firmly I do not believe in it. And don't respond for as long as legally possible. Continue to witness the truth. This marriage can be saved when we both choose to do so.

Last edited by stretch123; 02/02/12 11:15 PM.

Me: 43
ExWW: 44
Married 16yrs. 4 children

EA (ExWW): May-Nov 2009 + Aug-Dec 2010
D-DAY JAN 30, 2011
Exposure: FEB 7, 2011
Contact Again: Apr 25, 2011
Divorce Final Sept 2012

"I want to be married and stay married. Now I uunderstand the kind of marriage I want and we all deserve. But I also know it takes two to want to Build that Marriage."
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Good stuff, stretch. Good stuff.

So, you have a definitive answer to any push here for Plan B - a firm and emphatic NO. Backed by Steve Harley.

Nice.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Stay strong and firm. And practice my MB. Not easy all the time.

I have asked her to a movie tonight and she said yes. We are going after the little kids are in bed.

She said I will get summons and petition in the mail next week. And I said I will notarize that I received it and then do nothing to further the D process. Back to practicing AOM HHH and MB skills. More important than her D process. Will let her find the energy to push it along. I cannot in good conscience cooperate.


Me: 43
ExWW: 44
Married 16yrs. 4 children

EA (ExWW): May-Nov 2009 + Aug-Dec 2010
D-DAY JAN 30, 2011
Exposure: FEB 7, 2011
Contact Again: Apr 25, 2011
Divorce Final Sept 2012

"I want to be married and stay married. Now I uunderstand the kind of marriage I want and we all deserve. But I also know it takes two to want to Build that Marriage."
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How are things progressing, Stretch?

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Originally Posted by stretch123
Stay strong and firm. And practice my MB. Not easy all the time.

I have asked her to a movie tonight and she said yes. We are going after the little kids are in bed.

She said I will get summons and petition in the mail next week. And I said I will notarize that I received it and then do nothing to further the D process. Back to practicing AOM HHH and MB skills. More important than her D process. Will let her find the energy to push it along. I cannot in good conscience cooperate.


You know, Stretch... I have found that for us fellas (and many BHs especially) that AoM saddles quite nicely with marital recovery.

I suppose having a WW cut your...


... you get the point!


:p


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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NG and HHH,
Thanks for checking in. Watch this space. I will post some updates eventually. Feel free to enjoy a thread jack if you feel so inclined.

Maybe this will start something.

We have our first stretch of decent cold weather in a while here in MN. Its finally single digits and I have been able to get the backyard skating rink back into shape. Flooded it several times last night. So the kids and I are going out back to skate this weekend. This winter had been really soft. Hardly any snow. Warm temps.

Is there any sort of Canadian TJ linkage or men's clubhouse tangent you can entertain yourselves with whilst I am busy fathering?

Will be back soon


Me: 43
ExWW: 44
Married 16yrs. 4 children

EA (ExWW): May-Nov 2009 + Aug-Dec 2010
D-DAY JAN 30, 2011
Exposure: FEB 7, 2011
Contact Again: Apr 25, 2011
Divorce Final Sept 2012

"I want to be married and stay married. Now I uunderstand the kind of marriage I want and we all deserve. But I also know it takes two to want to Build that Marriage."
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....sooooo, did she ever file for a divorce?



Me (BH)
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Originally Posted by stretch123
Is there any sort of Canadian TJ linkage or men's clubhouse tangent you can entertain yourselves with whilst I am busy fathering?

Sorry, it's just not the same when we actually have your permission to hijack your thread. It kind of takes all the fun out of it frown



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She did. It might be out in the mailbox. If not today then Mon or Tue.


Me: 43
ExWW: 44
Married 16yrs. 4 children

EA (ExWW): May-Nov 2009 + Aug-Dec 2010
D-DAY JAN 30, 2011
Exposure: FEB 7, 2011
Contact Again: Apr 25, 2011
Divorce Final Sept 2012

"I want to be married and stay married. Now I uunderstand the kind of marriage I want and we all deserve. But I also know it takes two to want to Build that Marriage."
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I didn't think you could just mail someone a divorce complaint, but maybe I'm wrong there.

If she does file, do you have a real mean bulldog attorney ready to go?


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Yes. A really good one. If needed.
But I am also following Steve's advice. This M should be saved.


Me: 43
ExWW: 44
Married 16yrs. 4 children

EA (ExWW): May-Nov 2009 + Aug-Dec 2010
D-DAY JAN 30, 2011
Exposure: FEB 7, 2011
Contact Again: Apr 25, 2011
Divorce Final Sept 2012

"I want to be married and stay married. Now I uunderstand the kind of marriage I want and we all deserve. But I also know it takes two to want to Build that Marriage."
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This M should be saved.

Keep fighting, Stretch! We're here when you need to howl at the moon, or vent.

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Originally Posted by stretch123
We have our first stretch of decent cold weather in a while here in MN. Its finally single digits and I have been able to get the backyard skating rink back into shape. Flooded it several times last night. So the kids and I are going out back to skate this weekend.

Tell this to WW and ask her if she'd like to join in.


BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011

Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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She loves to skate. Loves skating with the kids. We have had some great times out back in the winter on the ice. Doesn't seem to be enough to make her happy. She says her big EN is to watch me and my FC with the kids.

You're on the right track TryingEverything. She is visiting her Dad up north this weekend however. But I like your idea. It's what Steve told me. "Show her the value. Persuade her that this M is good through my actions."

Btw, I notice your timeline on your sig. I am d-day plus a year. Similar progression as you would mean divorce for Stretch in about 7mos. That might happen. Its what my W wants.


Me: 43
ExWW: 44
Married 16yrs. 4 children

EA (ExWW): May-Nov 2009 + Aug-Dec 2010
D-DAY JAN 30, 2011
Exposure: FEB 7, 2011
Contact Again: Apr 25, 2011
Divorce Final Sept 2012

"I want to be married and stay married. Now I uunderstand the kind of marriage I want and we all deserve. But I also know it takes two to want to Build that Marriage."
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