Ten year affair makes it must to move at least 1,000 miles away from OM.

This is a strong addiction for WW to break. Relaspe to easy with OM living close.

If my wife became this sex starved nymphomaniac with him, I'd be haunted. It sounds like my wife made him earn his lay and even then it was nothing out of the ordinary. Wham bam thank you mam. Her words.

The details that I was ready to hear were if she did things she and I never did. Like if she experimented with kinky stuff.

In also would have not wanted to hear about long make out and kissing sessions before or after sex. That would have implied a love type thing and that would hurt.

The information i got told me she was attracted to the nice things he gave her I've spoken about on my threads. In return, she gave up her body in much the same pedestrian ways I come know.

HOWEVER, since I learned of the details, things over here have changed so much for the better. I told her early on that her ability to undress in front of another guy ruins her good girl attitude in our bed. I've asked for more adventure and she hasn't disappointed. We've read books.

So, maybe I'm saying getting every detail you want no matter the ickiness may be for the best in ways you can't yet fathom.

There was a letter that someone forwarded to me that was excellent in addressing the "need to know" with your spouse. It talked about the betrayed spouse needing to be able to put the pieces of the puzzle together; that the unfaithful spouse needed to provide those pieces.

The letter was written for the betrayed spouse to give the unfaithful spouse.

I know this is a well-known letter around here - I am just drawing a complete blank on what it is called so I can't find it!

I know you veterans can provide it probably. I think it would help Sad.

Since you and I were victims of ltas (long term affairs), look for my thread over on SAA called Deception. I haven't posted on there in months so it's quite many pages back.

Maybe you can find some of the things I clung onto for hope.

TheRoad, etc. Thanks for the input, and your opinions. I reworked the list of questions I need to ask, based on your good advice. I need these answered and need to move on. Some are very specific- and I want to know. Then, as Melody suggests, I'll re-evaluate, and move on as necessary.
Ten Years... wow. you guys would be blown away, just like my close friends were, if you knew us. I guess either I can live with this, or not. It's up to me.
Road, we're unable to move. We're tethered here by our business, so that's not an option. It looks like I'll be a spy for a long time.

I take this to be gospel: woman cheat by and large for the continuation of attention and affection of someone not their husband. Men cheat because they are horny.

Im sure in the history of adultery a man has loved another mans wife for her personality and meatball parmesan. And I'm sure there have been women who cheat for the magnificent shtupping of someone not her husband.

Its easier to find out what non sexual needs her om delivered and you haven't.

I had all these 'puzzle pieces' missing in my mind I need filled in, so i asked some questions that I was afraid to, but knew I needed to know in order to move forward and heal.

Like Mike alluded to -- you know what it was? Wham, bam...a few times...dinner, back to OMs place for sex, back home...no romance, flowers, love (one offer to take her out to a casino...wow).

One time when W was a blathering, sobbing fool revealing all, she stated that she told OM to 'just stop, don't bother' with her during...not that it matters, but apparently OM was no Don Juan, for all his perported...experience?

You can't even fathiom how liberating, healing it is to know what you need, confront it, and move forward.

God bless.

Mike,

Amen. What LEAD to the SF? A lack of conversation and affection on my/our part.

It was her PROVIDING SF in order to RECEIVE the other needs she was lacking...sad.

Thank God for MB...

Yup. He gave her inane conversation, dined her, and eventually he wanted more. So he bought outfits, jewelry, and expensive dinners which he used to pry open her legs.

When there was a lull in the action, probably she slowing down on purpose, a simple trip to the store and a Juicy sweatsuit later, shes doing him again.

Sad is one word. She called it pathetic and whore-like.

Again, she regrets it all and mostly the colossal waste of time.

We have been working everyday to overcome it. And we are.

My W expilicitly told OM no gifts -- he wasn't her husband, or boyfriend, just there to meet a need - the wrong way. All there were was a few meals and cards, that's it.

And yes, she mentions how embarrased, disappointed, and tramp-like her behavior was. And in the end, how it all amounted to...

NOTHING.

The consequences of her actions?

Well, they have been quite SOMETHING.

Thanks, Mike.

So, dude, no matter the situation, whatever remains of what was, when your lady is caught in the unimaginable, there is a chance to recover.

It takes strength of character. Yours may or nor have been in question ,but our wives' have zero. I think the MB way builds character in both partners.

My WW says she fell in love w the OM (for 10 yrs) ; I see that as my biggest ongoing concern, and she IS working hard at convincing me that ultimately they fell out of love (last year), but this is still a much more serious element to tackle-this "love"...
Although I started this thread with the intention of "what info is too much", it is the concern for that fickle "love" emotion that has me most alarmed.
We've elimenated the opportunity for a secret life, I'm meeting her ENs, and we seem to be progressing, but the trickle truth details are still to be addressed.

You'll need to get the truth, whole truth, but nothing but the truth, so help you...

She probably did not love him. She loved the excitement of clandestine rendevous'. She loved the rush of something so wrong. She has, by now, realized that any sub-human willing to date another man's wife is filth. And, she like mine, is guilty by association. So we are living with filth.

We have quite a few choices:

1. Forgive her, and work MB to rebuild a better marriage because lets be honest here, for 10 years, yours and mine sucked.
2. Stay together, half-a$$ the recovery and wait for her to do it again
3. Stay together for the sake of children and wait for an opportune time to leave when its better timing
4. Get out today.

There are variations but I have put myself in each of these scenarios.

My wife had a "love" for her guy early on as she has told me. It devolved to something not easily describable other than the way I did earlier.

Factor this, Dude, my wife says she lost her "love" for the a-hole at some point years back, but according to the video evidence that OMW found to out the affair, my wife seemed to be showing some form of "love" for OM up until right before dday.

How do I reconcile this? She didnt like the guy per her words and really I have a lot of evidence to confirm this while they were together but still managed to meets his ENs of BJs and intercourse when requested.

Its contrary and animalistic if you want my real feelings about it.

Ive spent 8 months turning her into a person again. And, thats my story in a nutshell.

It may not seem possible, but they are more damaged by their actions than we are.

It may not seem possible, but they are more damaged by their actions than we are.

NG taught me this months ago...never would've believed it, but boy was he correct.

My W told me she thought she loved OM, thought she HAD to love OM -- becasue you only do that act with someone you really love, right?

No, she has stated she realizes that is not, was not, and would never be love, the kind of loves she needs to sustain her.

And, she has realized the true character of the OM...what kind of man is an accomplice to breaking wedding vows, destryoing a marriage, damaging their 'partner' for their own interests? Not a man in the least.

easier for her to believe they could remain 'friends' rather than face the fact that she acted like a .......

Yes, the vets are right -- what I carry with me is NOTHING compared to the one who perpetrated the crime. As W has said many times to me, whatever 'wrongs' i had going on in the marriage can be fixed, turned around.

What she did can never be undone.

I just can't imagine that pain.

Mike, thanks for the info. Amazingly painful. Have you been able to reconcile? Just curious, as I can tell you've been really hardened by all you've dealt with.
My WW generally doesn't do sex just for sex, so the "friends with benefits" that her A devolved to, needs some serious explanation by her. There weren't any $ transactions, so that's out. So, why did she continue it? I'll be pressing for answers.
BTW, your Deception thread is quite a read. Pretty awful.

I was my wife's 2nd partner in bed.

OM was third. She told me that it took a long time to get horizontal (or probably on her knees to be accurate).

She implored me to believe she didnt change her somewhat chaste ways with OM.

Again, I got all the dirty details I wanted from her. She has offered to give me anything more if I wanted to ask it.

To what end?

You know, 'friends with benefits' is one of the ways my wife called the deal.

So, the big question I used to ask myself is is it better my wife used OM for her financial needs while helping him with his sexual needs OR should I be mad that they didnt seem to have sex for the sake of love and affection?

Potato // Po-TAH-to. Same thing.

Both stink. But thats the past.

Know this, when I look into her eyes, when we talk face to face, when we make love, when we plan for the future, please take my word that her stupidity, hardness to my feelings, and complete disregard for our family become things I think less about.

I tell her all the time I love her. I text it daily too. I wont make the mistake of taking her for granted. That was my mistake.

And, she has promised me that he meant little other than a lame paycheck and a way to avoid real life issues. She has dedicated her life to being the wife I wanted, how does she know what that is?, she has a very carefully written list of things I expect of my wife.

I told her any deviation from that list of expectations will be met with a swift removal from my life. I wont go back to the loneliness and disrespect she shown me all those years.

We've built something much better than we've ever had. Its been great.

SD, she was in romantic love with the OM. That is the nature of affairs. It is a real love that is based on romance. That is just a basic fact about affairs in general. The solution is for her to cut off all contact for life with him so that she can withdraw. As long as there is never any contact again you can be assured that she won't fall in love again. But if she fell in love before, she can fall in love again if there is any contact whatsoever, and I am including facebook contact, hanging onto pictures, mementos, etc. Every time she "runs into" him will put her back to day 1 of withdrawal and increases the risk of resumed affair. Since this is a very long term affair, it will take a big effort on her part to successfully withdraw.

And you didn't answer my question about the OM's wife? Is he married and if so, have you notified his wife?

Thats the important part considering where you are in the MB cycle. Ending the affair period. Reconciling the details and if you and your wife want to even be married cannot happen until the affair is outted.

You can stew all you want in the ugly details but fight the affair and give time to settle images.

Melody,Mike, the A is over. I'm overseeing the NC, as I'm pretty technical, and let WW know I'm looking. Aslo, I called OM the day after DDay, putting him on serious notice. I'm somewhat sure that the A was on the wane, anyways.
The OM is a divorcee, 2 teen kids; his ex-GF was my (anonymous) source, alerting me by email, after she discovered multiple times that this rat OM was cheating on HER for 4 yrs, with my WW. 10 yrs into it, and I was not conscious of it... very neglectful on my part.
I had contact w his ex-GF several times, she was my only reliable source. Apparently she put the rat OM through an inquisition, and he spilled complete details. Get this, she is a self-made woman, a real looker with wealth, and the OM had a cushy life lined up, courtesy of her. He passed it up because he enjoyed sex with both women- unbeknownst to them, of course.
And my stupid WW? After a while, she knew it, and still hung around with the loser.

Dude:

Our stories are alike in many ways. Sad to say.

Resist being in touch with the X-GF as a revenge meetup is too easy to happen.

Dont try to figure out what our wives were up to. Im done with that.