Well, since you ask...we like:

Cribbage
Rummy Tile
Quidler
Scrabble
Two-player card games like rummy, canasta
Eurogames: Settlers of Cataan
Ticket to Ride
Dominion
Carcassonne

Now, my H really really likes games, especially some very complicated ones that I was not interested in playing. The above games are simple enough to learn but strategic enough for him.

So, the week went pretty well. We celebrated my wife's thirtieth birthday. Had a discussion finally about affair no.1 which answered a lot of questions for me, as i was in the dark about( didn't discover this one on my own). WW finally agreed to no contact letter to both OM which is big for me since one lives within 20 min from us. Definitely onboard with moving as soon as we can afford it. It seems like we are really moving forward fast now.

Wife and I mailed out no contact letters to both AP's yesterday. I was shocked she actually did it, it was one of the few times I've seen her humble.

Ok, I've got a big question that I think I know the answer to, but I just don't know if I want to do it. My wife says that she wants me to finish my contract then get out of the service, but at that point I would only have 3 years left until reaching my 20year retirement age. She said it was up to me, but she would like me to never leave again. What is the right answer in today's world of financial instability?

Well, the Policy of Joint Agreement would be critical here. IMO, your marriage is more important than your career. It is difficult to sustain romantic love from afar, especially more so after infidelity.

And way to go on the NC letters! Huuuge step!

Yeah, things are going really well. Sometimes I feel really happy and then I catch myself and think "don't set yourself up again for another let down" or when is she planning on leaving me. I hope these are just part of the roller coaster.

Yes, all part of the roller coaster. The ride does smooth out after a while as the marriage becomes better.

I asked my former military H about your question regarding getting out three years before retirement. Yeesh. He said that was a tough one.

Of course, the PoJA is always front and center. But I would also consider the questions:

1.) Is your wife wishing you would end the military life, or is it more about the separations?

2.) If it's about the separations, could you speak with someone higher up about changing your job so that you get into one that doesn't have you deploying?

3.) With your next deployment imminent, have you and your W brainstormed about ways you can keep in touch and keep each other accountable?

You could email Dr. H. and see if you can get on his radio show. He and Joyce are really good at helping people brainstorm career ideas. He's been working with the military regarding the devastating effects of deployment and adultery on marriages.

LWFH,

To answer your questions,

1. Its more about the long separations. this one coming up is short and we'll have the ability to skype. Don't think it will be an issue for her, but more so for me. We are both concerned that I may come back feeling unattached.

2. Changing jobs for my position is an impossibility. They're already pushed back my deployment and shortened it.

3. Accountability I don't think is going to be that hard for me. I've got spyware on her phone that she is unaware of and I'm going to put a remote keylogger on before I leave.

I think I will email Dr. H and see about getting on the show. It comes and goes in waves.

I guess this is to the vets... Is it always necessary to have the WS take a lie detector test? Things seem to be going well for our marriage now and I don't want to set things back, especially since her counselor and mine encouraged her not to.

That's not part of the published books, but it's a recommendation Dr. Harley and his fellow MarriageBuilders coaching team have made from time to time in some circumstances. The real question is: do you feel your spouse is still lying to you? Are they being anything less than forthcoming when you have difficult questions about the affair that have not yet been answered?

If so, you may want the lie detector test to force their hand. The goal is typically to get them to admit what they are hiding BEFORE the detector test. It's often a good cure for trickle-truth.

On the other hand, there is another approach that works well: help your spouse fall back in love with you, and start living the policy of Radical Honesty with each other. If you help each other be completely honest, focusing particularly on those things that either one of you are ashamed about, you can also overcome those lingering feelings of wondering if there's more to tell.

Based on the stories I've read here over the years, I'm going to offer an opinion that this kind of recommendation differs between men and women.

From a wayward husband, you are looking for full remorse prior to recovery. Betrayed wives typically must insist on a pretty high bar before allowing such a husband back in their lives. The basic reason Dr. Harley gives for this is that women's immune systems suffer more under the stress of infidelity than those of males. Women tend to get ill from immune system weakness due to the strain of infidelity on the part of their spouses if they deal with it very long. It's primary the reason he advocates a very short Plan A for most women. So a polygraph as a prerequisite for recovery tends to be more effective with men.

But a wayward wife, on the other hand, is a different person entirely. Typically near the start of recovery she doesn't love her spouse, doesn't feel attached to him, and blames him for her affair. Her brain is wired differently from a man's. Jumping through hoops to win her betrayed spouse back isn't something that comes naturally. From her perspective, why should she have to prove herself to the man who's fault it was that she had the affair in the first place?

I'm not stating this is the way it should be, or the way it is for everybody, but the way it commonly is in most cases. Including mine.

So your real question is -- or should be -- "How do I prevent a false recovery with my wayward spouse?"

That doesn't require a polygraph. What it requires is exceptional Extraordinary Precautions. What would it take to reassure you she isn't straying again?

At least for my wife & me, what it takes is accountability. I'm aware of what she should be doing each day, as she is of my schedule. We text & talk throughout the day. We meet our 15+ hours of undivided attention together every week in addition to this. We also meet our goal of 15+ hours of family time every week.

With that kind of accountability and unified lifestyle, it's extremely difficult to hide a resurgence of the affair.

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

If WW has told you all, not lied, then she should have no problem taking a polygraph.

IP,

Considering that your WW was in an affair for 3 out of 10 years of your marriage, and the fact that you are even asking, is a strong yes. Unless you want to live with doubts for 10-20 years, or have a sex life diminished by your WWs guilt about not coming clean.

I let my doubts go on for years to the point that my W feels she no longer want to reveal anything, except for reluctant or accidental trickle truth.

God Bless
Gamma

Ok Gamma, you've convinced me. How do I go about this without making it seem like a selfish demand and bringing up the affair again? Things are going well, but you're right, I do end up thinking about it on a frequent basis on whether or not she has been completely honest. It just feels like my soul is being pulled in two different directions. A need for the truth or a need to continue moving forward at a rapid pace that we are on.

IP,

I think it is a matter of being honest with your WW, how can anyone believe it was only oral sex or that she had a 2.5 year EA only???. She has to make amends to you somehow you don't want to be in this position having wasted 10 or 20 years with a sexless recovery. In some ways too your WW cannot recover if she is holding significant details from you.

Or beat it out of OM.

God Bless
Gamma

I told her what I wanted this afternoon. She agreed, but I've seriously LB'd her. She is so upset. Now she feels that no matter how hard she tries that I can never get past this and will keep bringing the affairs up. What now?

IP,

Tell her this is a necessary step, and if she has been truthful then it will put the matter to rest, if she has not been truthful then there will never be a real recovery. Be resolute, chances are you will hear more confessions on the way to the polygraph, she may have only agreed because you backed out before or is very concerned about what will be revealed.

God Bless
Gamma

It's scheduled for Monday morning at 9. She seems really nervous and I dont know if it's just fear of the unknown or something else. She also said she wants to get it done as soon as possible. Then she tells me she may not remember some details. I'm really nervous and starting to wonder how much more I'm going to learn.

IP,

Then she tells me she may not remember some details. I'm really nervous and starting to wonder how much more I'm going to learn.

Whatever those secrets are they are now shared between WW and OM, or perhaps other OMs or OWs, she cannot have intimacies with others not shared with you if you are in a marriage. If she has secrets this will unburden your WW.

God Bless
Gamma

This is not gonna be good