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Originally Posted by willical
melodyLane:

What about the fact that I almost NEVER met her meeds back then. I know it to be true, I was there and I was very into myself, what I was doing and selfish. Believe me!

The truth is that she allowed another man to meet her needs. That is why she had the affair. If she had not allowed him to meet her needs, the affair wouldn't have happened.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by willical
how could my kids have known, they were not even born yet?



ahhh, gotcha! Even so, they should be told the truth about what happened. There is no reason not to tell them.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by willical
Weld:

Thanks for your support. Some of the other posts dont seem very constructive.
willi, trust me, you do NOT want to say that on a forum about complete strangers who, with great kindness, took time out of their day to try and help you. That will be the last time you hear from some of them, unless you apologise.


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His PA 2003-2006
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Willical, I did contact the OM however I would not suggest the way I did it I almost ended up in jail over my contact at a stop light on a highway. My WW called me from work and told me the OM was going to sign charges against me if I ever touch him again. The OM quit his job within a week of our encounter. The OM wife had recently left him so there was no need to contact her. That is the reason I think he pursued my wife. I feel like the OM took something from me that I can never get back but my wife says that I am wrong and that I gave it away with my drinking. Whats done is done there is no changing the past. There is absolutely nothing I can do to change what happened. Does it still bother me? At times hell yes it does but there is nothing I can do about it. Look at it like I do I must have been the better man because she chose me instead of him. So in a sense I won. A this point it is more of an ego thing than anything else. I am 58 and she is 54 we both are still very much in love with each other, more in love with each other than before any of this happened. We can now talk about it if I want to without getting mad anymore. You simply can't change what has happened in the past but look to a brighter future.

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Will, the most important thing is to make sure the OM's wife is informed of the affair. If your wife is sincerely remorseful, she won't skip that step. She won't feel any need to hide the affair. Another reason you should tell your close family members about the affairs is so that they can hold you both accountable and support your marriage.

As far as your kids go, they should not be told lies about the source of tension in their home. The only possible reason for not telling these folks about the affair is potential embarrassment and that is a SILLY, childish reason to avoid exposure.

This is information about the OM's wife life that has been wrongfully withheld from her. It is your wife's responsibility to make sure she is informed.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by willical
Weld:

Thanks for your support. Some of the other posts dont seem very constructive. You seem to be in a better place and where I am at. Did you contact the OM or his W? To what end if it's been 20 years? Is it just my ego at this point?

Willi

Will,
What you are seing is Weld is connecting with you and has a similar problem in his life, that does not mean the other posts aren't constructive. Believe me you are fuzzy right now and are hurting and want some connection from posters here. You will not see this from the vets but you must understand they are here to help you. Some come off cold and to the point and you have to get past that and use what they give you to help your marriage recover.

You are in the right place. Don't get discouraged, keep posting.


Me BH previous user name SEM
WW Senninpaswife previous user name Keep Smiling
Married 16 years - HS sweethearts
2 kids, Boy 15 years, Girl 13 years

WW's Affair #1,2,3,4 @ 1 year into marriage All ONS type PAs
DDay #1 09/11/01 False recovery for 10 years

WW's Affair #5 07/11 - 10/11 with my best friend EA&PA
DDay #2 11/27/11
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Originally Posted by weld
I recently looked up the OM on face book and showed my wife she had forgotten his last name.

You do realize that this is the equivalence of giving a recovering alcoholic a drink, right? She might have "forgotten" his name, but she has not now. She has been reminded and is now thinking of him. This is how affairs get fired back up all the time.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melody I realized that it was a very stupid thing to do after I had shown it to my wife and seen the hurt on her face. In my case the OM is 67 and married. I am 100% responsible for her leaving but I have now become the man she has want me to become. She is my best friend and truly the love of my life. Looking back now I can see what I almost stupidly threw away.

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How can you be sure the OMW knows? Your wife could be saying that to avoid exposure.

If OMW knew all along, how does that make you feel knowing if OMW had exposed to you back then, the affair may not have kept going as long.


BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011

Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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Originally Posted by willical
we both came clean after a bad argument
What was the fight about and how did your WW handle the news that you were a WH now?

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yes, you are right about that and I do wish I had known long ago

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I just dont see the advantage to embarrising her and telling friends and family about this very private thing. Perhaps confronting the OM & OMW is in order, but even that seems more like a revenge/ego thing for me, when I look at it logically. I certainly dont see the need to involve mt 15 and 13 kids, they have enough on their plates.

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weld, are you sober now and for how long?

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Willical I have been sober about 15 years. Whenever my wife decided to come home I was still drinking. What I didn't find out until about a year ago she was dumped by the other man. But that is one of the questions I did not ask as to why the affair was ending. Guess I should have but it now is water under the bridge.

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Willical if you are not sober you need to be. You have to fix yourself before you can fix anything else. I found AA worked for me. I could see problems starting to develop again so I fix myself before they got any worse. It was one of the few wisest decision I ever made.

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Originally Posted by willical
I just dont see the advantage to embarrising her and telling friends and family about this very private thing. Perhaps confronting the OM & OMW is in order, but even that seems more like a revenge/ego thing for me, when I look at it logically. I certainly dont see the need to involve mt 15 and 13 kids, they have enough on their plates.

Will, adultery is not a private thing at all. And of course contacting the OMW has nothing to do with your ego, but with basic decency. This is information about her life that has been withheld from her. Her need to know superecedes your petty desires for revenge. You and your wife have a moral obligation to give her the truth. If your wife is sincerely remorseful, she will want to make sure the OMW is told the truth.

And the reason your children and close family members should know is so they can support your family. There is no reason NOT to tell them.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by willical
I just dont see the advantage to embarrising her and telling friends and family about this very private thing. Perhaps confronting the OM & OMW is in order, but even that seems more like a revenge/ego thing for me, when I look at it logically. I certainly dont see the need to involve mt 15 and 13 kids, they have enough on their plates.


Excuse me? 'involve' them? This is their life! How would you feel if your parents perpetrated that level of deception on you?

Plus I cant believe you are wiling to help betray OMW with silence.

Check out my sig.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by willical
I just dont see the advantage to embarrising her and telling friends and family about this very private thing. Perhaps confronting the OM & OMW is in order, but even that seems more like a revenge/ego thing for me, when I look at it logically. I certainly dont see the need to involve mt 15 and 13 kids, they have enough on their plates.


Her actions re adultery are what embarrass her

Her actions re how she responds to the truth and 'owning her shtt' are what would redeem that embarrassment.

Or you can just let her live a life of shame and secrecy. And join it.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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What a tragic disservice you do to your kids by not telling them. This would be an excellent way to role model good behavior to them. You can tell them about your affairs and show them how you have overcome them. Dr Harley attributes his life's work to finding out about his grandfathers affair. Not only was he educated about the dangers of adultery, and able to avoid affairs himself, but grew up and helped others learn to avoid them.

Why would you deprive your kids of that valuable lesson? That is where you are being prideful. Keep secrets is being foolishly prideful and helps no one.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
foolishly prideful.

Here we have the heart of the matter.

After my H's affair I discovered a much loved and respected family member had had an affair in their youth.

Had I known sooner that even people I love and respect can make those kins of mistakes, I would have realised the dangers and affair proofed my own marriage.

But I suppose people didnt want me involved and wanted me to love a cowardly lie rather than a brave truth.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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