Weld, I have been sober for 7+ years

Willical,that is great at least you are not impaired whenever it comes to making any decision. Just put some rational thought into anything you do. The past is gone forever.

In my mind the honsesty has been shed between US. The OMW, does know, to what extent, I am not aware, but she called my W years ago. My kids are innocent and young. Perhaps when they are older, but why NOW? We need to get our lives sorted out first. We are very happy, probably for the first time in our lives, I dont want to jepordize that at all!

Weld, are you with your W and happy?

I agree, the past is gone forever. Its the present and future I want to focus on.

If your wife is sincerely remorseful she will want to tell the OMW the truth. A person who won't make amends is not sorry. Your wife is very wayward in that she has lied for 20 years. If you want her to change then don't encourage her to continue to be a liar. That does not help her, you, or her victims.

A big part of recovery is bringing the adultery out into the open. You dont recover by sweeping it under the rug.

Are you here to recover your marriage, will? Because honesty is the first step.

Recovery starts with honesty, though. Not in sweeping the problem under the rug. Secrecy has a toxic effect on your marriage. Why continue it?

Melody, Did you understand that I was an active alcoholic for 18 years? That I was unattentive, violent, drunk and a basic [censored] for that time? She stayed anyway!

She took care of me and basically mothered me all that time until I got sober

Do you understand there is no excuse for an affair? If we are going to blame you for her affair can we therefore blame HER for your alcoholism?

Does she have a special adultery entitlement?

You are hurting her by taking the blame for her adultery. She cant learn from her mistakes if she doesn't take accountability for her own act. You are no more responsible for her affair than she is responsible for your drinking.

Would she accept if we suggested that she made you drink? If she were only a better wife you wouldn't have become an alcoholic? Does that make any sense?

You demean your wife by implying she cannot take the blame for her actions.

Willical, My wife and I are very happy. In fact we are coming up on our 36Th anniversary. I posted somewhere that I had found the OM on face book. I found his wife first. At the time of the affair I did not know that he was engaged to this woman he is now married to. I could easily call or email her saying "hey while you were dating your husband he was screwing my wife" In reality there is nothing his wife or I could do about it because the affair is long dead. If I were to do that the one that would get hurt the most is my wife whom I deeply love. I am not for any reason under the sun going to do that. I have hurt my wife enough I am not going to dig up something from the past to hurt anyone. I know I will catch hell for this but right or wrong I am not going to intently hurt someone I love.

In what way does that make it ok for you and her to be liars now?



It will be in the present for as long as you continue to lie about it. It will take the truth to disempower it and truly move past it. Once people know, support you and see the truth - it stops being a big deal. Lying about it makes it a big bad secret that will haunt you both forever.

What will you do when people (especailly your kids) ask you direct qs about strange stuff they saw, things which dont add up?

What lies do you have lined up to deal with that?

What will you say when your kids find out and want to know why you lied? The truth always outs.

What lies do you have to deal with that?

Where is the line drawn between a newly found honest marriage and the lies you tell other people? What is stopping you from in the future lying about drinking and her lying about resumed contact if you both refuse to be honest people right now?

You both still think lying is acceptable if it is 'easier' or if the truth is unpleasant. Truth that is pleasant is hardly worth your while! Your attitue towards honesty does not give a hopeful outlook

Yes or no questions please.

Is your wife remorseful?

Is your wife wishing to become a more open and honest person?

Are you willing to support your wife in that honesty and help her achieve that?

Yes to all but we are talking about something that happened over 20 years ago. My wife also has a heart condition I am not going to put any undue stress on her for no reason.

Keeping such a terrible secret, being worried about being caught out and how to lie about it is way more undue stress than being truthful.

The truth.

Thats all it is.

What terrible awful thing do you think will happen from simply telling...

The truth?

Making amends for your wrongdoing does not cause stress, it alleviates it. It is hard work being a liar. Like i said, if she is serious, she will want to do this.

Weld, we are trying to help this man recover his marriage using MB concepts and you are on his thread promoting your own philosophy of dishonesty? You do understand that is in direct conflict with Dr Harley's position and is against the TOs on this site?

**edit**

Willical I suggest you ignore posters who go against Dr H's concepts. He has saved marriages - they have not. Plus they will encourage you to listen to your fears instead of fighting to make your marriage truthful.