Hi MBers. I have been lurking here for quite some time, but am now ready to post about my issues. I am at a loss as to how to proceed.

Background info: My husband and I got married in Feb 2002. This is my second marriage and his first. I brought a teenage DD in to the marriage. My DH has no children.

I met my husband at work. I thought I hit the jackpot. He was handsome, witty, smart, caring, and had a great sense of humor. He had never been married and had no kids. He seemed stable (had been on the job 8 years, had decent credit, lived on his own, and had savings), in fact he seemed all most too good to be true. I couldn't believe someone hadn't snatched him up already.

We had a whirlwind relationship. We were married within six months of our first date & it all seemed so right.

During our marriage, our primary issue was his ability to get along with my DD. Initially he and my DD got along quite well. However, after a time their relationship diminshed. He felt I spoiled her. Which I can admit I did, but not in a bad way. She is a good girl. I still received child support for her. Often I would buy her at least one new outfit each week. This really annoyed him as he felt it was unneccessary. He would often talk about how back in his day he & his siblings only got 7 outfits for school & 2 pair of shoes. Whereas, I felt it was none of his business. I wasn't spending his money on her, but her own child support.

The outfit issue is only an example. Our main issue was really the fact that he did not approve of the way I raised my daughter. He also seemed to resent stuff that she would do. For example, he would call me at work to let me know she had left the kitchen light on. He actually believed she did it to annoy him. Never mind the fact that she would leave the light on when I was home too. It is just something that children sometimes forget to do. I felt he should not let it bother him, turn off the light himself, or even ask her to do so.

It seems so petty writing it down:) After 4 years, I really was stressed out. I always felt like I had to play referee between the 2 of them. I do not want to make it seem as if my DH was/is evil. I believe that he just did not know how to accept the process of raising a child. I also believe because he does not have children that he can not understand the bond that exists between a parent and child. My boys, even though they are grown, would often call me for advice, etc. He would teasingly say that they were mama's boys and could not live on their own.

I can not write down all of our marital issues in 1 setting. Overall the good in our relationship did outweigh the bad, My problem now is that H & I have been separated since 10/10. There was a big arguement (only the second that they ever had) between him and my DD. He actually yelled some really inappropriate things to her. This resulted in my asking him to leave. He currently is living with his parents out of state.

When he first left, it was such a relief. It is quite taxing always being the middle woman. I told him he could come back when DD left the home. She is going in to the Job Corps program to get her medical assistant certifcate and then will go to Ky to get her LPN.

We would talk daily. He got a job up there. He got injured on his job. I assisted him in getting his workers compensation. He got a settlement about 3 1/2 months ago. We were on good terms then. He sent me a small amount of money in November 2011.

The next week we got in a verbal fight over the phone. Since then; he just will not communicate with me at all. If I call, he will not answer the phone. His mom states that he seems depressed and rarely comes out of his room. He does go to church on Sundays. Other than that, nothing.

I am not sure what to do??? I still love him. I believe that once DD leaves home that we could start over again. However, I am not sure how to interact with someone that will not even pick up the phone!

I have a chance to go up there in 2 weeks. I am not sure if I should just show up unannounced or not. He spoke with my aunt in November after our fight. She stated that he expressed his love for me at that time. But he will not communicate with me.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks in advance if you have managed to read this much.

Welcome to MB .. sorry you are here .. but this is the best place for this kind of thing.

Have you read the basic concepts?

Have you read the articles?

have you read the Q&A columns?

I would start by taking some time to read those areas if you have not ..

Since you are a blended family I would suggest you get some books from Dr.Harley. His Needs Her Needs for PARENTS, Love busters, and Buyers Renters and Freeloaders.

Your post is full of love busters. BOTH you and your husband have been neglecting each other but since you are here and your hubby is not we can only direct you on how to clean your side of the street.

Read the basics .... - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

and here is some articles also to start with.
Blended families article #1 - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5008_qa.html

Blended familes article #2 - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5008b_qa.html

Get reading, order some books ... and come back here and ask some more questions. This is TOTALLY salvageable.

MNG

edit to add .. go up in 2 weeks and have the 3 books i mentioned .. read them OUTLOUD together.. discuss the questions with eachother at the end of each chapter. This makes GREAT UA time. (which BTW you need 15 hours a week MINIMUM of to maintain romantic love meeting the top 4 INTIMATE emotional needs of affection .. intimate conversation .. recreational companionship, and sexual fullfillment.

I agree with MNG. To a point. Definitely read read read. All suggestions are good. Learn as much as you can here and you will be a better person for it. With a much more insightful understanding about human relationships and about yourself.

I just have to say I wonder if this man is really worth your effort. I don't like how he treated your daughter. The idea of getting back together with someone once your daughter is out of the picture is problematic as I see it. (I know you didn't say "out of the picture" but that's essentially what you're driving at.) She's likely to be more of a problem once she is out of the house. The problems definitely get more serious (My gf has a 22 and and 20 yo).

Sorry to be a downer. I just see a flaw in the premise....

optimism

This guy was too good to be true?

There was a reason why this guy was not married when you found him.

Well, I just read a chapter of HisNeeds HerNeeds for Parents which gave me a different perspective on this question.
In it, Dr. Harley advocates, in some situations, a married couple in a blended family to separate until the kids are out of high school and on their own. (He also strongly encourages parents to get their kids out of the house ASAP, for their own development -- something which seems to be out of vogue these days).

So the premise is not necessarily flawed.

However, your husband doesn't talk to you for months. That's another issue. Dr. Harley suggested in the situation outlined above, a couple still see each other DAILY to meet each other's emotional needs - this retains whatever love there was before the children caused the need to separate.

opt

I'm confused as to why you stood between your husband, whom you made a vow to honor, cherish, and respect for as long as you both shall live... and your daughter who is on the verge of being a grown woman?

And why you didn't PoJA the money you were spending?

Your husband was upset because you placed the children between him and yourself because "he doesn't understand the bond between parent and child." He's been second fiddle.

Maybe I'm off base, but it just sounds like you are putting your husband on the back burner, and it sucks. It sucks when they children of the marriage just as much as when they are step children.

HHH is right. But sometimes having children from another marriage is just too violatile of a situation for some to overcome. And I am here to tell you that it is very, very hard. Some of the biggest conflicts between my H and I have been over my grown son. And I KNOW HOW to use this program and my son does not even live with us. [we have managed to use the POJA in these conflicts, but it was hard and very emotional]

So, in cases where the conflict cannot be managed, Dr Harley recommends separating like opt suggested. It is important to live close by and continue meeting each others needs on a daily basis. Then when the children are grown, you can move back in together.

What he doesn't recommend is that couples stay together in very volatile situations putting the children in the middle of the storm.

Like opt said, His Needs, Her NEeds for Parents has the best suggestions for these types of conflicts.