Hello - as with many other posts I've just read, I'm new to this forum and to this situation. I don't yet know all of the abbreviations so bear with me.

TEXOZTAI,

First of all welcome and I'm sorry you have found your way here with the upset.
This is a great support system for folks going through an affair and for putting together a great plan for recovery.
I have a few questions.
Does your husband still work with the OW?
Does the OW's husband or boyfriend know?
Does anyone at the work place know?
I would start thinking of some things you need to put in place before you consider recovery, if your husband is working with the OW it will be impossible for you to heal, they have to have NO CONTACT for life, either she leaves or he does..........
The affair could have gone underground or still happening only at work, and the potential is there for it to reignite after you have calmed down a little it will resume.......
I would stop all friendship with any people that knew about the affair or helped it on it's way, I think your husband's son is a great person for doing the right thing.
I would suggest to your husband when step one is done that you counsel with the Harley's to fix the feeling of good roomates obviously something was missing and some work needs to be done......
Exposure is a great tool in order to stop an affair a very effective way when you have others also keeping the affair people accountable.......usually the embarrassment of their moral system being out of whack is enough to pop the fantasy bubble........
Do you have children together, if you do they should be told.....
Your husband should also being willing to be open and honest about he affair and answer any questions you have....
I think your husband is saying everything he needs to say in order to get you to let go, but does he mean it ........is he lying through omission and fudging the truth.......what does your gut say, is he just trying to get you to drop things so he can go on with the life he had..........
It just seems fishy to me the way the two of them are so accountable and down playing the emotional bond, doesn't sound right to me, to accomadating, to accountable for people who committed adultery........to perfect.
I wouldn't trust him right now, are you snooping at all if not I would be, don't tell him just do it for a while and see what you come up with, there is a forum for investigation devices you could use........
You have to know what you are truly dealing with if you find nothing great......
The vets should be along soon to give you more detailed advice about putting your plan together, just start thinking about what I have suggested......
Ending of affairs don't usually go this smoothly, something is off, especially if they still work together, secret phone.......check to make sure.

Youn have left out the important deatail does WH and OW still work for the same company?

IS the OW married?

Thanks for your replies. They still work for the same very large company in different departments and different buildings, although she is sick and may be quitting soon. I have snooped, quite openly usually, and have found nothing. We have had a couple of marriage counselling sessions and a couple of individual sessions. I'm sure it sounds like this has gone smoothly but it's been anything but smooth.

I don't blindly trust but I also can't think the worst all the time, that the affair has gone underground or that he has a secret phone. Now that I'm aware, and listening to my intuition - which I had been ignoring - I think it would be harder for him to deceive me and more unlikely that I would let him.

I choose to watch and listen to his words and actions, all of which are indicating his desire to repair our marriage.

I forgot to mention OW is in a long-term abusive relationship, and he does not know about the affair. In trying to understand the 'why' of the whole thing, with help from a counsellor, I think she was using him as a shoulder to cry on and he got to be her hero. And the illicit sex, of course. Will I ever understand it all? Probably not.

She probably is not.

Battered women would never risk an A.

And OW are notorious for spinning this line to get attention. Not to mention waywards are liars. That means your H too.

That's what my husband did with his OW they also worked together, you have to snoop to find out if it still is going on...the work situation makes it possible....you have to know what you are dealing with and then get your plan together to save the marriage.
I think the OW's husband should know my husband's OW said her husband was abusive, I talked to him a few times none of that was true, nor did he seem like the type, never heard anything to back her statements either....
She drew him in being her hero and he loved that feeling.......If they don't stop the contact that will remain she will always go to him for advice which really means emotional support and sex........
Dangerous for your marriage and your husband's attitude towards his OW.....tell the husband and have him stop it from his end......he deserves to know what his wife is up to so he can decide about his own life.......

DO NOT TELL YOUR H YOU ARE POSTING HERE



Contact, even sporadic is disastrous to recovery and ALWAYS sees the A resume. If you recover you must insist he never go anywhere he may see her even if that means quitting. This is not an MB recovery if he is still in contact.




Open snooping is not snooping. It will have been very easy for the waywards to evade open snooping. Detectives dont reveal their tactics and neither should you! What are your snooping methods? Check out Operation Investigate forum or just get a PI if you would rather save yourself the trouble.


You have not recovered according to MB practices. Your H is completely free to carry on or resume his A whenever he likes. You know this and your pain is not being healed because the actions needed to heal it are not being taken.

The OWH is still being decieved! Why? Because the waywards have lied to you because they do not want exposure interfering with their A.

I see red flags everywhere.

At the very least, the A is in danger of restarting and your resentment levels are high because you have not been made to feel safe.

You also know that things do not add up.



Never take the word of a wayward. Do you honestly believe a man risks eveything in his life for trysts with a woman just so he can tell her she is not his choice? Waywards dont do this. They lie to each other to feed the fantsy of the A.

They are lying their asses off to throw you some crumbs. Why? To avoid OWH finding out, you filing for a D and their jobs being in jeopardy.

I am also very curious - if your WH has no contact with the OW how do you know she may quit soon?

Snoop like a bloodhound.

texo, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. In order for your marriage to recover, all contact must end for life. Recovery is impossible as long as they continue to work at the same place. Even if they don't work directly together, every contact will put him back to day 1 of recovery.

The other important thing is the affair MUST BE exposed to the OW's husband, your family, his family and your children. This is a critical first step in recovery. And don't worry about exposing to the OW's husband. OW typically lie about being abused. She is obviously not concerned about it so you should not be either. Please take the time to read the link in my signature about the importance of exposure.

I'm surprised that old 78 record has not worn out yet.

The one where the OP's spouse can't be told, suicidal, rageaholic, will open a can of whoop butt, is too ill, too ill and will have a heart attack, then lets not forget the OPS doesn't care because they have an open marriage.

Lies, all lies to stop exposure so the affair continues.