Why can't working out together, taking walks, jogging, biking or what-not be part of that UA time?

If you can't be overt, be covert. (Not in a bad way.) Just suggest activities that are active. Prepare meals with him that are healthy, etc.

There is nothing that says you can't make getting in shape and eating right part of your UA time, right?

Can you print out the explanation Dr. Harley gives on PA ("basic concepts" on this site)?
Reason: many people don't get the PA thing. There are such conflicting messages floating around about looks in this country that in my view Dr. Harley's concept, while it makes sense, goes against "common" "wisdom".
I think you're on the right track by "supporting" his work outs -- positive reinforcement can be a tremendous motivator. Have you asked him what motivates him?

opt

It is possible. Look at my sig. I have 3 kids fulltime and then when my oldest daughters are over on Fri-Sun, I have 5 kids. I work a fulltime job, 2 part time jobs, and then am also a high school coach. My wife and I still get 15 hours in. There are weeks where we might get 10 or 12 hours in but we get teh 15 hours almost always.

Sometimes it takes work. But it's worth it. You two have to invest in each other in order to survive.

just throwing this out - does DH eat outside of home? some workplaces have food (sweets, muffins, etc) all the time, some ppl's jobs mean they go out to lunch/dinner often, and often a fast-paced, stressful life = fast food on the go. if H is conscious of your concern, he may even be hiding additional eating. even if he's just tucking down one candy bar a day from the gas station or whathaveyou to power the bike ride home, the additional calories there will quickly add up. his day is VERY long, and if he's working on his PhD, he's super-stressed.

may i also add a caution? i think you need to take it easy on additional "talks" about his weight, as it could be a LB for your H. he may already feel pretty badly about how he looks to you, and struggle with how to manage diet and exercise with his current workload.

i'm super-jealous of your facility! my suggestion is that you include physical activity as part of your UA time. get on the rower or treadmill together in the am, even if it means you have to get up at 5am. it's even better if you can do something "for real." roller skating w/you (and the kids, maybe, as family time?) volleyball on the weekend, bike riding, things like that. maybe you could make attempting an event one of your joint goals (for instance, a 50K bike event). don't forget the best joint physical activity - sex!

i think you said earlier that dh will be finished with his doctoral programme in april (he's ABD?)? if you can hold on till then to get him started, it would probably really help, stress-wise. then you can use up all the hours he used to spend on the thesis doing something physical together. he may moan at first, but if you make it about fun (and point out how good he feels after) and avoid talking about his "appearance," you can get him into it.

letty,(fyi, husband not on boards- so not ABD) he does not eat outside the home, no fast food, nothing at work, no lunches out for work etc..in fact, many days he does not even have time to eat lunch. And if he eats a candy bar once every 6 months I'd be surprised. He eats pretty healthy and really does not over do it. I eat more junk than he does. It has got to be the beer that is keeping the weight on. And it is not a matter of convincing him to work out. He likes to work out. He likes to exercise and enjoys all kinds of physical activity. I would say it is more a matter of him making it a priority, which I get and is why I hate to even discuss this anymore with him. He puts in long enough days and has enough on his plate as it is. So, I agree with you that I don't think I need to bring up the weight or anything of the sort to him anymore. But...I do need to somehow help him to fit in exercise without him realizing this is as much for me as it is for him, really for us.
I had another dream of om(mostly a one sided emotionally affair that lasted several years and 7 emails before I ended contact with him-long story which I shared as "stuckinthemud" serveral years ago) last night. Someone once said dreams don't matter and mean nothing but..this dream is always the same dream idea it just plays out in different ways. I hate it, it wrecks my entire next day and throws me off for awhile.
If I contacted Dr. Harley at this point for counseling what would he tell me?
1) spend 15 hours ua a week with dh?
2) ?
3) ?
I am still stuck. I have moved forward from where I was at several years ago but I realize clearly now more than ever that this pa is really putting a block on having the love I want to have for my husband. It is limiting me and I don't want that. I want to love him openly and fully and I'm not sure I can get to that point without the pa fully in place. Is that true?? Does my ability to fully love him depend on how pa I am to him?

also, where is Harley's radio show? I would love to listen to it.
And I am so clearly seeing what a rotten cycle we are in. Several years ago dh said he wanted more sf. This was probably the same time that all this ea stuff came out and we found this site etc...so we agreed to a specific day a week (he would like it more but agreed to this given his work schedule, our crazy life etc..) so I have really really tried to stick to this and have done a pretty good job. But...I know that he would like me to really want it rather than do it happily for him. Know what I mean? But...I am realizing more clearly than ever how much this pa thing is affecting us, my desire for him (or lack thereof) and because of that he gets less sf than he would like and it is just a cycle. I'm sooo confused and depressed today because I feel very out of control of fixing this issue in our marriage. I so badly want to have that over the top feeling of love for him, where I just wrap my arms tight and don't want to let go, but I don't get that feeling and in fact avoid physical contact because then I can feel how unfit he is and it is a turn off. Vicious cycle. He needs more affection from me but doesn't get it because I need more pa. Oh my, this is a mess. Can it be fixed? I'm so sad. I want more from this marriage and he deserves so much more. i realize that though we have, and I believe more me than him (because I had further to go) made progress forward, I am still really just stuck a few notches above where I was several years ago.

I think I found the radio thing.

So, fixing the very first thing... have you begun spending 20 hours of UA time each week?

This is an immediately fixable issue, right here, that will improve the state of your marriage.

Have. You. Begun. Doing. It?

Nope, haven't done it. But do you agree, that is the first thing d. harley would say? Because I considered contacting him but I don't want to start paying for sessions yet if that is the first step/ We will do that to begin for awhile before I contact him. Can't start yet. Dh gone traveling for work.

Ace, you've had numerous posters on here that have told you that the first thing you need to do is to start spending 15-20 hours of undivided attention together.

The other thing Harley is going to tell you is he needs to quit traveling.

kilted, I got it. I just wanted to verify that that is indeed the first, and right now, the most important step. I'm wondering what else can/should I/we be doing? We will begin doing this next week but say we do that, what else should we be doing? I think I'm going to take a look at the questionaires on the site and fill them out. We started to do that back in the day but didn't get too serious about it but now I think we need to.

Something Dr. Harley's been talking about on the show is making sure your UA time is well spent (meeting the top four intimate emotional needs). He gave an example of a man spending time with wife, but ruining it with annoying habits.

So the "else" really doens't need to be an else. Just think about your activities (use POJA) and concentrate on how you treat each other. That should keep you busy.

opt

another subject that came up just yesterday was the mix of endorphins one gets from working out (at the gym) and then how people tend to transfer those positive feelings to those around them.... leading to gym mate romances etc.
A very good reason to work out with your husband (not to beat that subject to the ground, just thought it was pertinent to your thread.)
opt

Here is a simple way to tell how important it is; Dr. Harley WILL NOT work with couples who will not meet the minimum UA requirement.

You don't do UA, you don't do MB.


Simple as that.

UA is the beginning, middle, and end of a Marriage Builders marriage, and if you don't do it, you are wasting your time, your spouse's time, and our time.


20. Hours. A. Week.


This is to begin to build romantic love.