Estrela, could you answer these questions please?


This is a Process, and you can't skip anything. We're all here for one thing, and that's to get you as much peace as possible. As MB reminded me a few times, recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. Personal recovery isn't easy, but it's most definitely worth it.

Hang tough, you're doing everything that you are supposed to be doing to get there. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Now, about what you did in the marriage, it is good to look back and see where you could improve, but remember, NOTHING you did or didn't do gave your WH the right or an excuse to commit adultery. That's all on HIM.

Scotty - sorry, I was not deflecting your questions...just seem to be under some spell these days...
I did not snoop, but I asked the kids if WH looked happy and they said yes (twice).
The exchanges are fairly simple. When WH arrives, kids go out. I leave them ready to go and go to my room and wait till the coast is clear.
I put curtains in the living room and feel more protected this way.
WH called once when he arrived early, and kids got the phone and then went out. Otherwise WH calls almost every day to say hi to kids. I see from the caller ID that it is him and give the phone to one of them to pick up.
Drop off - kids come, and they know to close the door before we engage in conversation. I ask how everything was, where did they go and they tell me. So far they are having a good time with their dad and no issues.
I don't want to disrupt the kids too much (and the younger one has difficulties with transition) so I am not thinking of having the exchange at another place, but I could ask someone to be here...
Once they leave (on Sundays), I leave the house too.
Twice I went to yoga class (it is quite challenging and helps clear my mind). I guess you can call this my new hobby since I started right after DDay.
After, once I went to a friend's house to chat and the other time I went to the sauna (loved it) and groceries shopping.
This Sunday I am thinking in going to a movie. See, just writing about plans makes me feel a bit better. Thanks!
No nail polish yet. I wil make an effort to get one if you think it might help...
Another bad idea: I drank wine twice at home after kids were in bed. Not great. I thought it would calm me down but it just made me more emotional.
And then the cold and my day of the month also happened this week... don't know... feel a bit better now after writing all these...

And that's what we're here for.

Yes, I DO think that getting some nail polish will help. You need to put some focus on YOU, and making something look pretty will make you feel better about yourself. Trust me. I went from never wearing make-up, or caring much about "those" things to buying some KILLER heels, dressing up, wearing make-up, etc. It's AWESOME. I still keep true to my not so girly ways, and make it my own. It's empowering. That's why I am passing it on to you.

Have you ever thought about learning a new language, or art? Join a book club? Take a photography class?

Keep it up.

I went out with the kids today. We went to NY, and even if cold we had a good time together.
I put my high boots and dressed nicely, put some eye liner, just the basic to look and feel empowered. It helps.
Tomorrow the kids will go out with WH and I made plans with a friend to do something together. Should be fun. Keeping it up!

I bet you looked amazing, estrela. Next time, though, don't stop at eyeliner! Put on your full face and knock 'em dead!

It's good that you arranged something for tomorrow. You are doing well.

YOU GO ESTRELA. And as SC said, don't stop there. You can ease into it though. Find YOUR style and who YOU want to be. Put on your cape of power, and live it.

So, how's that nail polish colour coming hmmmmm?

No nail polish yet... weekend went by so fast. I will check if I have something at home I can start with... I used to get this bright red/orange and then got tired of them.
I just registered for Indian cooking classes. Don't know if I will find a sitter for the days, but decided to give it a shot. It's only 4 classes anyway.

Get yourself that sitter.

Okay, look around the house for some nail polish, and then go out out and pick one shade. Look at ALL of the shades you see, and the ONE that you go gaga over is the one you pick up.

Happy Valentine Day to you all!
I've been more careful with how I look, hair, making sure to wear eyeliners, some lip gloss. I am not big on make up specially with all the chemicals, but that's another issue
I am seriously considering going tomorrow to get a pedi-mani (even if winter and chemicals). I cannot do that myself, it will look the work of a 6 year old.
Anyway - question, kind of silly really but here it goes:
Why do i feel guilty taking care of myself? I believe it is because of 2 things: 1) I was not that careful, at least not all the time, during M; and 2) it seems like I am getting over WH and M.
I know this is probably silly but would appreciate some advice.
I've been asking myself who am I, what do I want. In a way, I've been so focused on M, kids, work that I lost a bit track of little things that I like and could have been doing for myself...
I guess I am peeking out of the bottom and a little scared to stand up, but I am nonetheless.
Also, I am tempted to look at WH's e-mails, see if he made any plans for today, but will not do it since I do not really want to set back the clock and start withdrawal from him again...

You're feeling guilty about taking care of yourself for the same reason that most mothers feel guilty. You're so used to taking care of everyone else FIRST. That is one reason it is so important to do this NOW.

See, just like they tell you on an airplane, put the oxygen mask on yourself FIRST. You aren't any good to anyone else if you aren't at your best. Now do you get the nail polish thing? It's such a small thing, but it will build something in you. It's something that you need to do to remind yourself that YOU are important too.

I am starting to get the point, Scotty.
I need to be strong and happy, that's the best thing I can do now for my family and my M.
Instead of asking/obsessing about what I want from the M, if I still want WH, I can concentrate in keeping strong, beautiful, happy for myself, the kids and for him. Ready to face him when and if he is ready to come back.
And then I know I will need to be REALLY strong.
I had this most vivid dream last night. WH was back and I was so happy I could not get away from him for a minute. Not a good sign as my dreams usually go in the opposite way.
But it also gave me a direction, independently of WH, his actions, his decisions, none of this defines me. I can still be the best person I am meant to be.

estrela, I can tell from your posts that you are getting stronger. You are doing great, my friend!

Thanks, Melody.

I went today with a friend for a pedicure. Put some glittering red/orangy color. It does look really lively and nice.

Might go for a short run now... kids will only come later with WH...

We applaude your efforts to take care of yourself.

WOOOHOOOO. I am SOO happy to see that you have a new shade for your toes.

WTG.

Focus on you.

As Pep told me when I first entered Plan B, Plan A those kidlets.

Nice! Way to look out for yourself estrela! Hang in there, hon.

Thanks for the support.
Now, when I am starting to feel down, I look at my nails and I remember all the support I am getting from you and I remember to continue to take care of myself.

That's funny for me to read. I developed running and pedicures as strategies when my H would not end his affair!

I also had a professional make-up session for the first time ever, at that time. Since then, I am well goomed every day, my toes are pretty, and I take exercise a few times per week. Looking good really helps combat the loss of confidence and insecurity at this time. Keep it up, estrela!

BTW, estrela is the name of a Portuguese beer sold here. I have enjoyed many a bottle!

Well done, Estrela! You keep impressing me!

Thanks so much!!! I would not have made it this far without your help.
Today I was missing WH and second guessing myself, so I went back and re-read my thread, and that put me right back on track.
Seeing all the confusion, pain and abuse of the days before WH left was very helpful. And all the support I got here to keep strong!
Estrela means star in Portuguese. I did not know about the beer, will try to find it around...