I left because I was so hurt that I was physically shaking. He really is doing this to get back at me for what I have taken away I guess. At least what I have taken away in his mind.

Silence is not what we were advocating.

I would ask what they are doing, and why. If they are attempting to remove you from the home without a court order, I would call the police. I am in your state, you have as much right to be in that house as he does unless and until there is a court order removing you from the premises. If you can record on your phone, keep it recording for as long as you can.

If he says they are redecorating, ask how you can help. You don't have to control the whole thing.

Does he do drugs? Drink?

What do you mean by this?

Where are you now?

It is the bunk beds he is taking apart since he said his kids wanted it that way even though my son shares one with his son.

No drugs. Does not drink. Has serious anxiety issues. Expects everyone to think the way he does. No gray either black or white.

As of right now this is no longer my house. His kids are in there laughing jumping around just ruined my sons favorite toy. I don't mind them being happy but. Why does he have to do it at my expense.
I just asked what they are doing. He said "taking down the bunks like I have said I have wanted to do for a long time".
I asked if they needed help. "Nope. We are just fine. Don't need any help".


I am sad. Defeated. Feel like I am going to explode or break down into a crying fit.

I mean I think he feels like I took away his control.

FA, I would ask him to stop it now and put it all back. We did not tell you be silent, we just told you to stop fighting.

He is being intentionally cruel and abusive. Personally, I might pack a bag for the weekend. I don't know if I could remain calm when someone dismantles my home just to torment me.

I agree ML. I wish I just had somewhere to go. If I had the money I would be heading to a hotel. My sister is back in town tomorrow so I will go there tomorrow since my school is off for winter break this week.

There is something odd about exes being friends and trying to break you up. Why would they try to do that?

Was either you or your current husband still legally married when you met?

No we had both been about a year out of divorce, however my ex wanted to get back together. His ex was just jealous of me from what my current husband says.

My ex had also manipulated the situation. After he googled my husband he found his residence when he was married to his ex. After finding her name he contacted her on facebook with a fake story thanking her for the clothes she had given my daughter....which she never did. It was just a way in for him. And that is when it all began. They even use the same attorney.

This is what makes me crazy. He can be the absolute nicest person on this earth to myself and children. I swear when he is nice I could eat him up. But I am telling you......as soon as one little thing doesn't go his way, he can be the most hateful, vicious, just plain meanest person I have ever met too. My ex was bad but I didn't really love him and he was physical and verbal. Current husband is what I thought love really is. Until the other side reared it's head. Again I am not putting blame on him, but just trying to rationalize this in my head and put it out there. I feel so defeated when he is so nice and the next day cuts me to shreds. You know what feels like? It feels like the feeling of when you were a child and someone you trusted and loved all of the sudden turned on you and started yelling at you. And sometimes you would wonder what for. That is how it feels.

((((Failedadventure)))))

I haven't said anything on your thread because I fear saying the wrong thing in these situations....but what you are describing is much of what I endured with my X. I am sorry.

I am going to reckon, based on your post about the recent blow-ups, that he is fully fed up with your mouthy, insulting way of dealing with things.

Did you redecorate without his input?

My H CUT UP the bunk beds without my input, and we are happily married now. I was livid at the time. And he was the one who bought them, again, without my agreement. Independent behavior (like decorating or undecorating without agreement) is a big lovebuster. As you now know.

So, did you just go out and get bunks and tables without agreement from him?

Do you engage in IB?

The table was mine when my children and i moved in. He had the bunks set up when I moved in as well. The dining room table was never an issue. My decorating was never an issue since he always has made positive statements about it. He has even gone with me to pick things out etc.

Thank you and sorry you had to go through this as well.

What happened last night? Were you able to go in and go to sleep?

The only thing I can tell you is to clean up your own side of the street. Eliminate all lovebusters from your life...not just in dealing with your husband, but in all your relationships. This way you will be a better 'you' regardless of what happens to your marriage. And you will also know that you did all you could do.

There is absolutely no excuse for the way he was behaving last night....but it will be easier for you to determine what you will and will not be able to tolerate once your own behavior is above reproach.

In my own marriage, I had a few friends who would assume that if my now XH was behaving 'so bad' that I must be doing something to push his buttons. Sadly that is NOT always the case.

Thank you so much SW. I was able to get some sleep. I just basically retreated to my bedroom and watched my favorite show so I could somewhat keep my mind from thinking too much.
But something did happen that again is so hard for me to deal with.
Over the past couple of days I have been told that I am disgusting (which I am not...he even calls me his trophy wife joking around sometimes). That I am a beeyach, gross. Doesn't love me anymore, blah blah blah. So last night I fell asleep. He later came into bed. Snuggled up with me. ????????
Then this morning, he asked me what was wrong????????? Then proceeded to want to "you know what". I refused which rarely happens. I couldn't have even tried if I could. I am depleted.
He got frustrated and left the room.
Then came back to ask what was wrong. Again...WT?????
I told him very nicely that I would love to talk with him but would rather do it without children in the house since we need UA time. Which will give us the opportunity tonight to discuss things.

I plan to install the initial parts of MB. We will see what happens. I just need to clarify what the very first step is.....if I can get him to accept that is. Do I go straight in to Plan A?

FA, I would be very honest with him about how upset and insulted you are at his behavior. Marriage Builders DOES NOT advocate suffering in silence.

You do understand that Plan A does not include sacrifice and it certainly does not involve tolerating abuse? '

While there is no excuse for his behavior, have you taken an honest look at your own behavior to see if you have contributed to this hostile environment?

Of course I have contributed. I have never denied that and definitely will stop those behaviors cold turkey. As far as Plan A , I really need to read and research again. I know it does not advocate sacrifice, however, I thought one was to promote a positive environment at all costs.

I ordered one or two of the books you recommended. That is all I could really afford. I do have to say they aren't that expensive and glad Dr. Harley does make them affordable. And hopefully I will become better at this and implement it correctly once the books arrive.

As far as the time being, I am just trying to stay positive. I have come to the decision that i am dealing with a lot more than two selfish adults. I think that there is some underlying issues that need to be delt with as well. The verbal and emotional abuse I have gone through is unacceptable in my book. Will I still try? Yes, without a doubt. But for him to do the things he has done to me the past couple of days.....then turn around and expect me to be ok with it shows there are some control issues. I haven't brought this up until now, but his father has been diagnosed with borderline personality disoder with OCD and narcissism. I had not seen any of these behaviors from my H except some OCD until a few trickled in about a year ago. Now this past week's events are quite worrisome. . I am again not saying he is the same as diagnosis as his father at all. I have just seen a lot of his father's traits come out. And one more interesting point.....his father moved here a year ago. He was several states away. Now he is literally five minutes down the street. I have chosen not to be very close to him due to some INTENTIONALLY hurtful comments he made about myself, my children, even my parents. He and my H have an extremely toxic relationship and I choose not to invite toxic people into my life willingly. His father did not live here when we married so it isn't like I knew all of this before the move took place. The move took place unbeknown to me and my husband knew it may happen, but had not known it would be for sure. His father just called and said "I am here". We were then expected to stop our lives and pick up his. He lives in an apt. With no car. Calls my H to take him everywhere. It is just not a very good situation. But I have chosen to stay out of it. ****one more tidbit I would like to add....his father gambled his own children's college funds and his own mother's savings account. He has also openly admitted that he lied to the physicians and gets disability from the VETS in a large amount every month. I do not understand dishonesty and again will not engage with people who are and brag about it.
Whew. Did I just bore the heck out of everyone? I am just trying to make sense of this once and for all.