In november my husband ask for divorce, he moved out,we spoke to each other when we had too. Now i have not stop loving him/in love with him.I felt he was wanting an affair again, and didnt want to be a part of it. So i let him ride his roller coaster.I have since november helped him out of personal matters,but not once displade anger of an affair. in january of this year he came to the house to drop off checks and get his mail and such. And for some god forsaken reason. i told him how i felt,about us and the marriage,(at this time i was well aware of his affair/relationship.Well he just let it all out his feelings, how i lacked the loving care for him,sex, everything. We spent hours talking, drove 230 miles in out area just talking for 4-5 hrs. About everything in out marriage,and yes later we did have marital sex, and we spent 2 days together,before he had to go, on the road to work..Now we spend hours on the phone every night talking.He has flat out told me He has feeling for this other woman, she is everything he wants.But in the same breath he tells me hes in love with me and want to work on the marriage. He has not seen her since we where together, but calls her regularly. He has told me that they had a mistake happen, and she doent beleve is abortion. But should find out with in the next week or so, if she is pregnant.His words where i hope she isnt and ill just tell her its over. But since then this last week he say, when he gets home the day I Work he going down by her and have her to a pregant test,and get his personal items from her. And if she is pregnant, he doesnt know what hell do. Now with all this said he keeps saying he want to work on our marriage but take it slow. To me he want the security from me but, wants her too? He has said if she isnt pregnant, he'll get his stuff and tell her hes moving and wont speak to her, she is possessive,stalker type he says. He wont even tell her he's sorta back with me,feel she'll come to our home. I have been trying to be calm about all of this and we have talked about this. I just dont know what to do, i have open up and told him so much, i feel i'm gonna be totaly crushed...can anyone help me?

DW,

I read your post last night and was hoping by today that more people would have responded. I will tell you that you are in the best place possible for advice and healing. I am very new on this site and still learning myself, so I don't want to give you too much advice. I am also a WW am coming from the other end of an affair.

I will tell you that there are a lot of very wise people on here to who know how to kill and affair, teach both the WS and BS how to use MB to make their marriage better, and give you the strength and advice you need to make it through each day.

Hold tight, sometimes weekends are slow on the forum. The Big guns will see this soon and get you started on what you should do.

I can tell you right now that the first thing they are going to suggest you do, is EXPOSE your husbands affair far and wide. The MB website has information and readings that walk you through this process. While you are waiting for responses, I suggest getting on the site and reading as much as you can on HOW TO SURVIVE AN AFFAIR. You also need to get the book SURVIVING AN AFFAIR (I bought mine on Amazon for $10).

I hope this helps and keep checking this forum for more advice, it's coming soon!!

Fifteen is right, you need to expose. Here are some things you need to do/understand:

1. Gather evidence (if you need to)
2. Make a list of everyone you will expose to (his family, yours, friends, her family, work if necessary, you kids in an age appropriate way)
3. understand that his infidelity is NOT your fault.
4. Require him to have no contact for life if he want to have a marriage.
5. Don't worry about what she says about being pregnant. Let a paternity test deal with that after (if she is really pregnant) the baby is born.
6. Focus on breaking up that affair first

CV

I'm sorry you are going through this. There are some people here that can walk you through this whole thing. Celtic gave you some very good advice. You start by exposing to your family, his family, hers, friends, including hers on FB expose to one at a time, one minute apart so they don't shut you down. How/where did your husband meet her? If they work together, one must leave their job. Do not enable him to have his cake and eat it too...he cannot continue going back and forth, getting needs met by both, waffling between the two of you. Do you have children? He must write her a no contact letter which YOU must mail, I would send it certified and keep a copy of it. A restraining order would be advisable if she is the stalker type. A lot of OW say they think they're pregnant to hang on to their affair partner, don't pay any attention to that, if she is, time will tell if he is the father and the two of you can deal with that if and when the time comes. I love how they (OW) "don't believe in abortions" but they believe in destroying a marriage? Like they are so moral!

Hang in there, it will all be sorted out eventually. Read everything you can on this site, and order some of the books "How to survive an affair", "His Needs Her Needs", and "Lovebusters".

EXPOSE him he brought her to his parent in dec. So they are all aware of her now.
Evidence only know her phone number and 1st name and area she might live.
I have repeatly told him to just stop talking to her on phone..he won't ,he says he want to make sure she isnt pregnant/and to get his stuff from her.
They met on match.com
The OW thinks he separated and going for divorce..she has no idea ..I'm sure
But if i call her it would be a big mistake on my part..i don't want to give her any of my time.
I need him to get off the roller coaster and drop all ties with her and work on our marriage like he said.
He say he want to work on our marriage but take it slow..he think i'm gonna change my ways to the "i don't care for him ways."
I will admit i was lacking in the TLC for him due to the depression he get when on the road..he gone 4 weeks at a time and it hard to have feeling when u fight over stupid little things.

I think my biggest problem is he wont let her go, he insist that he need to communicate with her. I can't pressure him, cause i feel it will draw him closer to her. I don't want that to happen..

He's afraid she is pregnant, and would ruin his life,plans,and his marriage.. That what what he said.But i don't understand why he keeps talking to her. He did state That She is Everything hes wanted..we have been together 14 years married 11 years. Have we grown apart that much? For him to tell me this?

I would expose to his WHOLE family, not just parents. Siblings, grandparents, etc...

You need to enter into plan A ASAP.

CV

Again, I will repeat this:

Focus on MB PLAN, not his fogbabble. He is speaking fogbabble, don't be worried about fogbabble, it means nothing. Make a plan! You have a high chance of saving this marriage if you want to but you're sounding wishy washy...not sure what you want or are going to do...I get that, when you're in this situation, it's hard to think with any clarity. That's why you need to enlist the help of some of the vets here to walk you through this...Melodylane would be great at that, but you must listen and heed what she tells you or she'll spend her time helping those more ready to heed MB principles.

I understand why he is still compelled to talk to her while saying he wants to stay married to you. He is talking to her because he has an addiction. To save your marriage, he has to break all contact with her. It will not be easy.

You need to go into Plan A immediately.

You must find out who she is. Find out by every means necessary, and quick.

Expose her adulterous relationship with your husband to all of HER close family and friends, as well as yours and your husbands family and friends. Don't trickle; do it all at once, and don't apologize. He will be mad, but your marriage will survive his anger. It will not survive this affair.

Tell him you will not settle for any less than a monogamous relationship with him.

The longer you work on your marriage while he continues contact with the other woman, the more you will both (mostly you) suffer long term emotionally, mentally, and physically. You are susceptible to false recovery if you believe it will be all right if they still talk. It will prolong your trauma. (I know because I lived it for many months.)

Will someone post details of Plan A here please?

It is NOT your fault no matter what he is saying right now. Don't accept that. You were lacking his TLC too, not just he yours, and you did not choose to have an extramarital relationship.

I see you mentioned not giving OW any of your time. I think you need to find out more about who you are dealing with, so you can make her stop interfering in your marriage.

well this morning i asked him if the OW, had her period..He said nope she pregnant. And flat out told me he staying with her.
Well the fire struck into me, and i called her told her everything i know about him and her(well what he told me), and what we have been talking about for the last month,and the time we have spent together(none Sex).Sent her some copies of the texts he sent me.
Well she was livid, i flat out told her she is the OW, and i want him to end all communication, with her this is between him and me,since he didn't for the month, that i was getting involved, to work things out between him and i with out her in the way.
I got the impression(a lot) she isn't pregnant..cause she 3 way'd us and was ferious with him and supposely doen't want anything to do with him, (GOOD)
Then well he is on rampage now moving to his mom in FL, so he says.
I called his mom she covering for him ( no help there)
Called his dad wow great fead back from him, he had impression we arranged for divorce a year ago.Was totaly stumped when he brought her to there house in dec.
No i don't talk to them much, ( long story)

So bottom line is I lost control EXposed me to OW, him to family that won't cover for him.
He wants nothing to do with me know...Told me point blank in a text he loves me, and cares about me, but not in love with me the way he use to be,and i took to long to realize what he had to offer me.

So know what do i do? Just sit no contacting him?...this is tearing me up. This last 4 week we both opened up to our feeling for each other, i told him this is gonna hurt me bad if he backs out of saving marriage

damagedwife, I would plan on going into Plan B asap. Does he live with you? Do you have the book Surviving an Affair and understand what Plan B means?

well he a truck driver on the road 4 weeks at a time.........he was gonna try moving back in..but that changed today...Don't have the book yet
sry don't know what plan B is ..explain or link please

DW, I would get the book Surviving an Affair right away. IT explains Plan B in there. In the meantime, here are some articles: What Are Plan A and Plan B?

HOW TO PLAN B CORRECTLY

I don't have an IM, my family are one side, for me. My father in law would be my closest non bias person I know. I don't want to burden anyone, I need someone to help me on this.
I moved my WS out in nov, he has no keys to house, he does have most of his thing in storage, which I have the only key.
The love letter I would have to send it in a email,since he's on the road all the time.( I could cc: to my IM)
I don't have anyway of knowing if my WS, has ended the A,maybe later
I'll get the passwords, but I can' t now.
My WS pays the rent now, til June 30 th, when lease end.( then my financial burden really kicks in hard core)

I ordered the book survive the affair 5-7 delivery
I am scared to death, on this whole matter, going dark.
This is so hard, to change and take careful steps.
My hearts want's to plead with him, but he needs to respect what, I' m
doing, for my self.

You may be in line for the shortest Plan B in history, leading to preparations for Plan D.

Have you gotten legal advice as to your financial rights? Are you employed yourself? What is the status of your domicle - own? rent? Who pays bills? Who has access to accounts, etc?

Putting these things in order is NOT deciding to D. Doing so, however, gives you the situational orientation to make the correct move, timed appropriately, when things come to a crisis. With him seemingly willing to leave and you having already tossed him out, there isn't an obvious path back for you both.

But the end of january,we got together (sorta)and he said he wants to move back in ,but take things slow.The one thing he didn't want to drop ties with the OW this last month, worried about her being pregnant.(AS STATED IN ABOVE POST)That when i did the Exsposure to the OW and family,people i knew.Omg i'm so confused...can't sleep,eat,just keep thinking i have done the wrong thing.We have talked and seen each other over the last 4 weeks.Things we talked about is us,what things we have done to each other,acted,haven't done,where we want to be in 6 months,everything.Since i did exposure , he doesn't want to speak to me,ask me to take phones off his account,says he moving to his mother(who will cover for him and hung up on me)
I feel i have just lost any chance i have had,and have just pushed him to the OW,even though he stated in a text "i'm pretty through with her,she doesn't want anything to do with me"

I keep running this statement in my head he text me
"I DO LOVE U AND CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU,BUT I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU THE WAY I USE TO BE"

I have a life coach,and she's helping me get a marriage counsler,for me and for him if he wants it.

I'm sorry for all the confusion here,i am all alone on this, have no friends,only friend i have was him,i can't burden my older children to much on this matter,they try to understand but are bias, due to the affair.

I'm working on Plan B ( i think don't have book yet)



and getting things in order for that.Again i am sorry for all this confusion,so much is running through my head,if i have done the right thing,is he gone for good, have i been trying to hard to get him back, just everything.

DW, focus completely on cutting him off completely. Send him a Plan B letter and find an intermediary who will pass on any PERTINENT information about visitation and finances. Plan B is a totally dark separation.

And you need to also file for divorce so that you can get child support and financial support in place. If the OW might be pregnant you have to get this in place FIRST or her child will have first grabs at his income. Did you know that?

Here is a Plan B letter template:

Plan B letter from Dr Harley's book Surviving an Affair - mail this to him:

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon