Monty,

If you have access to a computer with a media player and speakers, you can listen to the radio show. Click on the Marriagebuilder's radio icon on the right. You can listen live or to re-broadcasts. The Harley's are very supportive of military.

So, out of the 3 years, how many have you been apart for deployments/assignments? In our case, my H and I were both career military and after 2002, we spent more time apart than together. We started living indpendent lives, thinking our decisions were supporting each other, but in reality weren't. We needed to be together. It wasn't until long after we were together full time that we were able to work on our marriage.

AM

We have not been physically together long at all. We met when I was on leave in between my duty stations, and out of those years, we only were physically living together for 6 months (during which time my infidelity was revealed). I agree with your sentiment about being together, and as I said, it is so hard to hold on till I can be in that position. I talked with my family and friends, and at times feel I am the only one who wishes to see this through to the end, whichever way it goes. I feel If I just drop out now after putting so much effort to proving and changing myself, then it is the same as quitting. I believe if I do that, I will never truly know, having acted on what others think.

I just found out my wife has a FB page, and her profile pic is very racy, as well as she said some mean and hurtful things between august and december. Once again, another thing to make me cast doubts.

Monty - your wife has checked out of the marriage. The best you can do is ignore her whorish ways until you return home.

If you want the marriage to work, then you have to do two things.

1) Expose her adultery
2) Plan A her.

There is a carrot and stick. If you need to get family and friends to do PI work for you, then do it. Or Hire a PI.

The best thing you can do is show her the man and husband you can be for her. It will be very difficult because of your deployment.

Dr. Harley can advise you on a particular Plan A that may work. I highly encourage you to at least get in an email exchange with him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

Meanwhile see if you can gather the evidence of her adultery. You cannot save a marriage when a 3rd person is entangled.

I am trying. I am so close to having a breakdown. I dont know what to think, Pray. I am trying to do all the right things, and it just doesn't seem to want to work.

This is why Plan A is difficult, and Dr. Harley can help you. The issue to understand your situation is temporary ... you will be home soon.

Dr. Harley works with the military chaplains. He may be able to guide you with some direction. It is vital to email him for a Plan.

The best you can do is keep your side of the fence clean. This means fully working on you while you are away.

Focus ... Breathe ... Follow A Plan ... Even if that means you only recover yourself and not your marriage.

Dr. Harley advises that if the marriage is short and there are no kids and especially if you are young to go ahead and divorce.
In fact, Dr. Harley said that if his own wife cheated he would probably divorce. Good luck and thank you for your service.

Chip - The OP wants to save his marriage. It is our job to support him with the MB plan.

Well, I confronted her, and we wound up talking/crying/arguing for almost 3 hours. To me, I feel we both got a lot off our chest and came out for the better. I am just trying so hard to keep faith. She decided to delete her page as well as sever contact with her fling. Here is to having faith.....

What has been done to recover?
Expsoure?
NC letter?
Willingly be transparent?
Answer all your questions?

She has answered my questions, and we are working together. Remember, I had an affair too. Our conversation went both ways. I feel a lot more hopeful about things than I have in a long time.

Keep up your Plan A ... No lovebusters ... Work with her to establish a NC letter to her OM.

Again, thanks pray. You have been a big help in getting me refocused and rededicated to not giving up and seeing this through. I took a lot out of my conversation with my wife, things that will help me be the best man I can for her, and make it so she wants to be with me and not another man, or get divorced. Again, thank you.

Quick Update. I am still keeping to my Plan A and trying to be the best man for her I can be and show her how much she means to me. As Always, I really dont know if it is having any effect. The hardest time I am having is keeping my emotions in check, and not performing "lovebusting" behavior. It is very hard, since the slightest thing (like not answering the phone) sets me off into a tailspin of doubt, anger, and suspicion. It is very hard for me to slap on a smile and be hopeful when I am halfway around the world, and it is taking all I can to not quit.

Monty - Something that may help you with your anxiety is working with your chaplain concerning cleaning up your side of the fence.

This is why I recommend at least emailing Dr. Harley for a specific plan from him you can follow while deployed.

You want to make sure you can acclimate yourself back into your marriage once you come out of a war zone. There are going to be so many emotions and reality will be so much different.

Dr. Harley can specifically help you with a plan tailored for you. Along with your chaplain you can get a God center focus for yourself and total surrender.

Praying for you, brother. Thanks for your service.

I appreciate the suggestions. We got in another "trust argument" as I am starting to call them. I have been thinking, and my wife does have a point in that I am the one bringing negative things up. I dont know if that is her way to shush me, or if she really wants to focus on mending fences between us, since I cheated on her, she cheated on me back, and it will just continue to spiral unless we make an honest go. I really dont know. It is hard to stick to Plan A when I have so much emotion weighing on me. I just wish I could be physically with her, I think it would make things somewhat easier.
Pray, I did email mbradio and never got a response. I am going to try and approach things a little different. How, I am not exactly sure, but I can't keep blowing up my wife's phone and then having a fight with her once I do talk to her. It doesn't work.

There should be no lovebusters from you at all ... Eliminate them now. It is the hardest thing to change, but it has to happen.

Do not call her if you will have an argument.

I am sorry you didn't get a response from mbradio. I would email them again. They may have missed your email. Keep trying.

What questions do you have about Plan A ... stick to your current plan which is loving and kind.

Of course there is no trust. Your WW hasn't earned your trust and you haven't earned hers ... that cannot or will not be accomplished until you come back.

For now stick to your EP's and if you feel like arguing then leave the conversation.

Repeat: "I will not talk divorce, I will only talk marriage."

Repeat ... Repeat ... Repeat

Monty, Plan A with NO EXPECTATIONS. NO RELATIONSHIP TALK. Have you read The Carrot and Stick thread by Pep?

Plan A is hard to accomplish when you didn't recover from your own A. Plan A is more difficult from afar. You have things stacked against you, but that just means that you need to be stronger, and more creative.

DO NOT blow up her phone anymore. That is NOT Plan A, at all. AND NO MORE ARGUING.

Thanks. I discussed some things I can do with my counselor tonight about how to NOT blow up her phone and have an argument with her. You are right, it is very hard from afar, very little I can do. I guess just have to put these methods to use and hope it is not too late to turn things around.

Pray, I can repeat that, but how exactly do I talk "marriage" in a positive way?