It's okay to be looking forward to dating. It's your Taker talking, and it shows that you are healing. Just make sure that you are healed before you start so you don't just go for the first man to meet an EN, he'll probably be ALL wrong for you.

You are going about Plan B in the way it was intended, and you are doing a GREAT job with it. Keep it up.

Thanks Scotty and Indie for the words of encouragement.

Got a message today from a mutual friend H and I met whilst travelling. Funny thing is, he had no clue about Gollum and my separation... despite my having asked Gollum when he was in Aus to contact him (and his wife) and another couple we were friends with. It seems Gollum hadn't contacted.

I only asked Gollum to tell two couples of our separation (this was prior to D Day) and the "boy" he is couldn't even do this. Meanwhile... I have had to tell most of our family, Australian friends, UK friends (even though he is there!), European friends. And his sisters have filled in his own side of the family. Just pathetic.

Meanwhile... my job application is still being deliberated, selection for interviews is a few weeks away. I am still looking at holidays for September, and have started looking into mortgage options... all good but I have some work to do!!!

Plan B update... a curious week. Monday was a low dip in the coaster ride, possibly in anticipation of Valentine's Day (the day H and I got engaged and many other happy memories). Plus news from IM that Gollum is consulting with a solicitor over joint finances. Also too many thoughts on what Gollum is doing with Horse Ho.

But Valentines itself was easier than expected. I went out with family and friends for dinner, and was even given a red rose by a family friend which was greatly appreciated for the sentiment.

I have been very busy, work conference in the city with social stuff going on, and a belated Valentine's dinner with a friend who has just split from her boyfriend... seafood and creme brulee, what more can two women ask for, hehehehe! I am getting nervous about some of my male colleagues, even a female friend has warned me to watch out... my boundaries are just as high as when my marriage was healthy though, so I know I am safe. I am not ready yet anyway.

I am starting to think about my future though. And what I want from a man. I think this is positive. I am not going to give up on H yet, but I have less belief he can ever be the husband I want. I will still give him and myself time. I still love the man he was. I still miss the marriage, relationship and friendship we had. I am still trying to make sense of things, and resent that Gollum has not helped me put the puzzle together, that there was not even that respect. I am starting to think about once the divorce papers come through, I want no further contact, not even through IM. My IM's and my relationship has changed as a result of this, and I want to restore it. I figure any contact Gollum wants will be about joint property, and he has had enough time to sort that out by then. Any other concerns can be through a solicitor.

I sometimes worry I will miss out on having children because I won't heal in time to form a healthy relationship with another man. But less and less do I think about this.

Something that has been so wonderful this week... I have realised what wonderful female friends I have. I tend to choose friends for life, and my loyalties run deep. My three bridesmaids, despite my overseas travels, have always stayed in touch with me. I am rediscovering who these women are. They are all wonderfully vibrant, individual and strong women, all with tons of integrity. I am incredibly lucky to have befriended these women from such a young age, and not only that, but maintained a friendship with them. Each of them, in their own way, has helped me on this journey. I got a Valentine's message from one of them that bought me to tears... saying she admired me, mentioning my strength, even though she knew I didn't realise it now, and my integrity. That she admired me. Another friend also thanked me for my friendship. Its funny, I feel proud to call them my friends, but to hear that these women appreciate me... it has helped me realise I am learning and growing, I will be okay. Better than okay. I am starting to get excited about the possibilities for my future, if that makes sense.

I think news from solicitors will always cause a dip in the rollercoaster. I was going to suggest you make plans for fun things - but you are way ahead of me!



I find this intriguing. What has changed?



This is money in the bank.

Its in my own head.

Here is something VERY not Plan B that I am guilty of... on Monday, the day before Valentines (a day that holds several significant memories for H and I), IM text to say she would call. Part of me HOPED. I still can't kick that. That maybe a certain date would prompt a miraculous 180 from Gollum.

I also feel sort of guilty that I have put her in this situation. It can't be nice to have to deal with Gollum, even if she is more impartial than I am.

I think even indirect contact with Gollum is just not necessary post divorce. And I don't want to associate my wonderful IM with indirect contact with Gollum. Hope this makes sense, and suspect I may get some constructive criticism here...

On a side note, heres an experience I had this week that reminded me of the need for boundaries with colleagues. I have never had difficulties with this, but know that I have had male colleagues in the past "fishing". Gollum has predominantly worked with males, so I can see that his boundaries were probably always a lot weaker than mine.

Went out on the town with a bunch of colleagues. One of the males (in his late 40's and my supervisor) has separated from his wife a month ago. He was leering at every young woman that walked by. I was trying to ignore it, but it was really getting to me. I ended up telling him to please pick his jaw up off the ground after yet another "appraisal". Some of my female colleagues then joined in and told him to be more respectful.

A few minutes later, one of the male colleagues who was acting a bit too attentive towards me (and is married) asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no, I am currently separated. As this attracted the whole tables interest (many don't know much about my personal life), a conversation began about how that meant I was single. I just shrugged, said I was still married and to me there was a difference. Everyone stared a me like I was some sort of freak.

A debate started shortly after about how sacrifice is a healthy part of any relationship. No mention of POJA. Some colleagues started discussing their marriages with members of the opposite sex. I can so see how these work conferences that involve overnights away can be opportunities for affairs.

More drinks later, my supervisor (the recently separated one) starts wiggling his hips and singing "I'm sexy and I know it" to me and a female colleague. Sadly, I was more embarrased than he was.

I had a good night, but it was almost like I had a mental checklist on MB what NOT to do...

Caracal, the thoughts and hopes that you had when your IM said she was going to call are completely normal. I kept hoping that my WH would show up at my door, and knock, or call me. It's not there anymore.

Keep those boundaries HIGH.

It's funny, I need to keep explaining why I'm not dating anyone either, and explain how being "separated" doesn't mean I am single and available. Silly society.

Keep it up chica. You're doing GREAT. You're on the right path. You know it because you sense the differences when you are in a low. Good on ya.

Thanks Mama, ooops, Sister Bear!

I oughta come down there and KICK you.

Now Scotty, thats not very "mama-ly"

Good. It is quite older sisterly though.

You doing okay? What colour are your toe nails? You should be changing it up with all of the sunshine down under. Our snow has all melted away again. What a whacky winter we have been experiencing.

I'm doing well thanks. The weather here is great, though Thursday we had a fierce electrical storm. I tend to love these, providing I'm not driving in it! As for my toes... pretty in pink. I bought myself a new Ipod too, my old one broke. I'm sort of glad it did, because it was a gift from H, and it served as a trigger in some ways. So now I can bop away with no reminders.

ANother trigger gone is ALWAYS a good thing. Are there any other ones you're ready to part with?

Hmmm, good question. Do triggers always remain a trigger?

I have been furniture browsing recently to decorate my dream home I am working towards. I started thinking about how neat some of my souveniers and photos (triggers for me now) are going to look in my future home. I have a huge Turkish rug, some really unusual African stuff, etc. I have always wanted a home to display all this in (most of it was sent back to Aus during our travels so never used). I am hoping the more I heal the less impact these triggers will have... overly optimistic?

Scottys right about the triggers, and the progression on things as they normal out.

Yes I understand how you want to not have triggers associated with your IM, those things will pass also and take ther place in the past

My toenails, well..can't help ya there..not my thing

Another bump in the coaster today. I went out shopping at a market, and ran into SIL's in-laws. Strangely enough, I had been thinking about contacting this SIL this morning. Anyway, these two have known me since I was a teenager, and they have always given me bear hugs and kisses, even after Gollum dropped his bombshell of separation. Today it was... awkward. I initiated the hug and kiss on the cheek, but their response was definitely different. Yes, there was chit chat, but they clearly just didn't know what to say, and were itching to leave. Not just from the heat either.

I went back to work and had to go to the ladies to compose myself. No tears, but a close call. Then back to work. Within half an hour I was myself again.

Weird thing is... I recover so much quicker now, thanks to Plan B. But every now and then (especially if I have contact with those who seem to have sided with Gollum) I start questioning myself. Did I fight hard enough to save my marriage? Did I put in enough effort to rescue Gollum from his addiction?

I don't know if I did.

Caracal, I understand totally what you feel. I wasnt able to plan a due to having moved out before I really knew what was going on. I wonder "what if?". But you and I know we did all we could given our circumstances.

Don't beat yourself up. Just keep trying to move forward. Thats really the only thing you can do.

It's definitely hard dealing with those who side with our waywards. I deal with it regularly. Remember, I still go to church with MIL as well as a few other members of the family. it's tough but I survive and so will you.

Did you do everything?

Yes you did. I kind of love you for asking this because it was a constant question for me too until recently because I didn't feel my Plan A was very good.

But its so obvious when you ask. Its easier to be objective.

Fact is, although I was completely incapable and stunned and betrayed I had my hand held on these boards through a great Plan A. So did you, I remember.

Like me, you were forced to do a more long distance Plan A due to the wayward's evasive tactics.

Why did they run so hard and bunker down so tight? Were they so afraid our Plan As would be effective? Who the hell knows or cares - we did our best and that's their side of the street. I know I could never end a marriage knowing I ran from my spouse's reconcilliation efforts after I had an affair - and luckily that's not my burden.

As for the bear huggers, I continue to experience the benefits of exposure too. Its amazing how shining that bright light around your world reveals more than one cobweb.

Somehow there is always at least one false friend who can't hide the fact any more. In my case there were some who really surprised me. I really think that is worth knowing. I feel privileged to have fewer but richer friendships these days

Caracal, just stop being so normal would ya? HEHEHEHE

Actually, you are quite normal in these feelings. Look at any Plan Bers thread and you will see it echoed. The main reason, I believe, is due to an excellent execution of Plan B. You see, the more out of the drama you are, the more healed you become and therefore, you look back and believe that you could have done more. THat is precisely what Plan B is supposed to do for you though. It makes you heal, and feel better about your whole sitch. So here you are, pretty healed and you start to wonder if you did enough. Could you have lasted longer? Would one more week have made a difference? I have repeatedly told BSs that there is nothing that you did or didn't do that would have made your WS come back. THEY decide that for themselves, you just work on you and show them the path. They need to walk it.

New toe colour yet?

Caracal has yet another admission... I've broken Plan B again. This time, in a big big big way. And I am planning on breaking it again, in a BIG BIG BIG way.

I know I need to own up and take the 2x4's. I'm still not sure you're going to stop me but I always value MB'ers advice.

Here goes. Months ago (yes, shortly after entering Plan B) an exposure target and friend asked me about Horse Ho. I told her about who I suspected and showed her a FB profile. My friend sent a friend request. Ok, I was dying to know if it was her, but thought no skank would be stupid enough to accept a request from someone clearly in Australia given she is having an affair with an Australian. So I forgot about it.

But skank IS that stupid. Late last night my friend text to say Horse Ho had accepted request, and my friend was looking at her wall. I know I should have stopped it there, but didn't. My friend told me she had read posts that confirmed my suspicions were right... she is Gollum's "precious".

I immediately asked my friend to copy all of the FB friends. All 280 of them.

Now I intend to do a tsunami exposure. I know this will set me back in recovery for a while. I'm prepared for that.

But I also know my exposure was weak. I want to know I did the best to save Gollum from his addiction. Using MB practices even if they are out of sync with the plans but I did what I could with the knowledge I had. I have a less noble reason as well... Horse Ho stole my husband, and I know this will steal some of her thunder from a big white wedding (I discovered her brother had this during my snooping Plan A days).

Will it bust up the affair? I admit to hope but know deep down it won't. Not in time for me anyway. But I'm okay with that.

Still, I'm no role model for Plan B in the here and now. So I'm sorry (again) for letting people down with my bad example.