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minjo Offline OP
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I have this question but not sure where to ask, so if anyone knows what thread to direct me to, I would greatly appreciate.

I have read much of the irreparable damage in children with divorced parents. That has slowed me down on my decision of getting a divorce. But the truth is, I don't feel love for my husband any more, no love, no hope. What stopped me from filing a divorce is the hassle that comes with it, the dramatic life changing experience, and most of all, the suffering my children will experience.

But what is the alternative? Probably we all assume is to build a fantastic relationship with my husband. But my struggle is that I have no love, no desire to build it. I actually feel he is a complete stranger at this point. Even the thought of touching or kissing him grosses me out.

How does a cold, loveless marriage affect children? Will they have the same suffering as those who divorce?

My parents battled with my mother's affair. She completely quit it, changed and did all required to quit her addiction but they did not truly recover. I feel very sorry for both of my parents, for the pain they both went through. They made it through the affair but never had a real fantastic relationship (there was and is no MB program in Vietnam). My parents are in their 70s and my Dad sometimes still feel resentful of my mom's affair 28 years ago.

I grew up learning not much about love and inherit a lot of love busting habits from both parents.

I am afraid that by staying in this loveless relationship, I will repeat my parents' history and do a major damage to my children.

The best solution is to learn to love and to build a romantic relationship with my husband. But at this time, I feel that he is hopeless. Too much garbage, too much junk he carries with him. Lying, deception throughout our marriage, affair and more lies, porn addiction... of course I only imagine there is a host more problems that I am not aware of and too tired to even care.

Is it still a good choice to stay together or should I consider divorce more seriously?

Thank you so much for spending your time reading and answering my question.

Minjo


Last edited by minjo; 02/25/12 10:57 PM.
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Originally Posted by minjo
Is it still a good choice to stay together or should I consider divorce more seriously?

When there is abuse, such as adultery, porn, lying, etc, it is often better to get divorced. The reason is because that kind of abusive behavior has a tremendously destructive effect on the mental and physical health of women. Women have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder, even in recovered marriages. So when a wayward spouse will not stop those behaviors, it is actually best for the kids for the mother to separate. It would be a disaster if she had a nervous breakdown and suffered ill health. So getting divorced under those conditions is probably the BEST of a bad situation. You won't help your kids if you are in the mental hospital suffering frmo a breakdown.

In your case, I think your marriage can be saved if your husband makes a committment. But you are going to have to start holding him accountable, minjo. I don't think you have really held his feet to the fire. He is very manipulative and very cunning. When you REWARD him for being this way, he is emboldened. He should not get away with that. If you do pursue recovery, I would do it under Dr Harleys care, because he will see right through you husband real quick and will let him have it with both barrels when he pulls his crap. You need DAILY access to Dr Harley and you would have that if you go through the online program.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hello Minjo
Sorry you are here. I felt the same as you in 2007 after I discovered my WH's lies, cheating and deception. For the sake of my kids I went to marriage counseling with him. I thought we were doing great until I found the lies and deceptiona again last month. We are legally separated living in the same house. Although it is unfair and painful to my kids I want them to learn that no one should allow themselves to be in a marriage that is broken. I grew up Italian and the culture teaches you stick together no matter what but I refuse to follow that. My parents were in a very unhappy marriage. I hope I"m breaking the pattern and teaching my kids to make better choices. My kids are 17 and 20. How old are your kids?

GG


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minjo Offline OP
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gg615,

Wow! How similar our situations are! Thank you for sharing with me! My kids are 14, 12, 9 and 6.

Would you elaborate more about the things you said - legal separation living in the same house. How do you interact with each other, what expectations you have for each other, is there a recovery plan, what do you see where your M will be in the future. Also, what lessons are you trying to convey to the children by making this choice (legal separation living in the same house and the way you and your WH interact, etc). How do you want your children to make better choices?

Thank you!

Minjo

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I thought our marriage was recovered after marriage counseling but I didn't know about his porn and dating profiles until last month. The recovery was a lie. I should have put a key logger on his computer and track on his phone but I was so confident that our marriage recovered. I didn't know about MB the first DDay.

The separation was not easy at first - I had to deal with my STBX's anger and some stupid things he did. He calmed down and realizes he created this mess. We agreed to put the kids first and he has stuck to that so far. The legal separation was handled by a lawyer (my lawyer). We met with her and came up with the agreements - like each of us living in our own apartment in the house (I have a mother daughter style house). My WH and I get along - he knows I don't hate him and out of respect for my children I'm trying to do what is best for them. Because of this we are able to live in the same house amicably. He also has come to terms that he has lost me.

At this point, I'm not interested in recovering my marriage. My WH will move out when my daughter starts college next summer.

My kids have witnessed the lies and deception. I hope they learn that they do not have to stay in a broken marriage. The one thing I"m proud of is that they did see we tried to save the marriage through counseling the last time. My daughter asked me today if we would get back together and I told her I couldn't and she surprised me by saying "I know".

GG


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Originally Posted by minjo
Would you elaborate more about the things you said - legal separation living in the same house.

minjo, that would be a disaster to live with your husband if he won't get on board. All you would be doing is having him move into the guest room and continue his abusive behavior, and probably even DATE. That is not a "separation" and will make matters worse. If your marriage is that bad, you need to separate and go into Plan B.

If your H won't stop the lying and commit to your marriage, then you need to make plans to separate within 3 to 4 weeeks, per Dr Harley. Women have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from living in such situations. Moving him into the guest room will not stop that from happening. You need to separate.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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minjo Offline OP
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Moving him into the guest room will not stop that from happening. You need to separate.


That is true! I should not and will not consider this plan. I had another talk with him today about owning up his screw up, see things as they are and stop blame shifting, deflecting. I am very firm on holding him up to his accountability.

I think I successfully convey the message that his affair is only the symptom of a sickness, there is much more critical changes of characters need to be made.

But a few initial steps will need to be accomplished before this Wednesday or he will move out.

I am ordering a polygraph tomorrow. Let me know what specific things you think I can do...

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Did you make up your list of questions and give it to him to answer? He needs to come clean BEFOREHAND. Give him once last chance to come clean and then if he flunks the polygraph after that, you should consider this pretty hopeless.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote
All you would be doing is having him move into the guest room and continue his abusive behavior,


This is true. It would be disasterous.

I'm fortunate - I found out today my WH STBX was offered the job in another state. He'll be moving out. He continues his lies. He told me he was going to gym tonight but I know he wasn't - don't care - not my problem anymore. smile


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated

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