Prissanna,if you do not 'dislike' this guy, even though it does not sound like you two have the sparks at this point, it's often better to go slow anyway, so I would say 'go out with him'!

I know KC gave me the same advice on my DS's coach, but he is just not for me, I have zero interest so I wouldn't... but if I had even an ounce of interest, I would have. The guy whom I could not meet up this weekend because he was sick - he is not perfectly my type either, but there are certain qualities I admire, so that is why I have gone out with him.

I noticed that you do lots of 'analyzing' too, lol, we make our own lives harder and crazier But what can we do, that's who we are right??

OK, help me out here MS... Are you talking about the same guy in all these posts?


And this:


If this is the same guy, he sounds like a parasite to me. Aside from always choosing married women, he was pursuing you while having a GF?? WTF? I would tell his GF with 4 kids whom he "wants to marry" that her BF is wooing other women... That should help her make the right decisions about this guy.

AGG

He was pursuing me on and off for the past several years. But I was with XBF, so I declined his offer. He wanted to stay friends with me so we kept in touch via occasional phone calls or emails. I had no idea that he had a GF (sounds like he started seeing her about a year ago), but since we were not dating and I was never interested in him that way, I never even asked.

When I heard that he has a GF, I asked him why he was pursuing me then and he said because it's not serious. Obviously he wasn't honest. But isn't that still good that now he admits that he was fearful of committment and now he is ready to overcome such fear, and he will try to be honest and less selfish?

AGG is always a wise man..., now your post is making me review the whole incident in a completely different way.

Your advice is always spot on. Did you ever experience that you have done so wrong in a relationship and feel such a failure? If so, how did you overcome that and regain confidence?

I got excited about my friend turning around the corner but you are right, he is not being truthful towards his GF. I was focusing on his �a-ha� moment and giving him a credit for trying to make the change, despite the fact he was pursuing me while he had a GF. I tend to think 'but he is still a good man, he offers so and so...', about anyone, that's how I have always been towards men I got involved in with, which is probably my insecurity that is making me behave like that. And that insecurity is steming from my divorce.

AGG has good points.

As for your friend, anytime we have a serious character flaw we have to begin somewhere in our questo to fix ourselves...and the fallout from that is painful. In his situation, to fully fix himself he would need to be fully honest with his GF to be sure she understands that he hasn't been a stand up guy during the relationship and he wants to turn over a new leaf.

Aha moments are good....I always wonder if my WXH had his Aha with me divorcing him...will he now be the faithful mate for his ow/gf? It is depressing but the fact is he had done so much to me that there was no way for him to repair his relationship with me. With a new gf, if he so desires he can say, 'look I've been a sorry man my entire adult life and hurt a lot of people, but I want to be differnet now.' And to someone he will seem a good man and maybe even BE a good man.

I don't beleive in holding something (even a lifelong patter) against someone for ever, especially if there is real evidence of change.

Milkshake, I was not trying to criticize you, I hope you did not take it that way. I was just cranky with your friend, who pursued you while he had a GF, or you had a BF, or both. That on top of him pursuing married women in the past. Ugh.

I agree about a-ha moments being good, but what I see here is not an a-ha moment as in "I need to change my behavior so I can be a better person". Rather, I see him think "oh crap, I may end up all alone, so I need help finding a way to reel in GF, milkshake, somebody"... This is a person who is still being immature and selfish, and has not really had an epihpany. At least that is my take.

Do you have any friends who are not selfish overgrown boys with self-absorbed hobbies, but who believe in marriage, or at least in monogamy and commitment? I think they might be good for you .

AGG

You are right, that is how women process things in their brain, by talking it out.

And AGG is right, if the guy was after you when he had someone else, not goodQ

I think she realizes that...and isn't interested in him. She is just more interested in the possibility of a man changing.

It is possible right?

AGG, no, I did not take it that way, no worry. I was disappointed at my friend when I learned that he had a GF while he was asking me to make him my BF, because I always thought he was a man of honor with good spirits. He helps out his aunts, sisters and friends, and even though I was never interested in him as a potential romantic partner, I wanted to stay friends with him too because of his personality. Also when he told me about his past relationships on Sunday, it was the first time I learned how he was always pursuing unavailable women.


Ideally, you want your partner to want to marry you because he/she loves you, but isn't it also good that people can adjust their unrealistic and irresponsible expectation/fantasy? For example, my friend has stayed single because he wanted to continue to play the field, but now he may realize that he is trading in his current fun for his future loneliness. I think it�s still good that he realizes that there is no free-riding. You will always end up paying the price for your actions/choices.

My XBF has said to me several times �I love golf but I know that golf clubs cannot keep me warm at night or take care of me when I get old, but my partner can. That is why my brother is so lucky to have his wife�. His brother can continue to play golf like a single guy (his wife tags along his practice and tournaments, plays golf with him, and even caddies for him. Their vacations are always decided by XBF�s brother which are obviously golf related and his wife just goes wherever he wants to go to) and yet at night he can be with his wife. I always knew that for XBF, his brother has the BEST and IDEAL marriage. Yet ironically XBF often criticized his brother for being selfish, and always told me that he was not like his brother. When I asked XBF if he wishes I was more like his sister-in-law where I would do everything and anything, he did not deny, he just said that I would not need to carry his bags

Anyway, not sure if it�s necessarily a bad thing when an individual who used to be irresponsible and selfish realize the consequences and out of fear he wants to change his behavior, you know?

Good morning. My emotions are still swinging from one extreme to another...

Sometimes I honestly can believe that it was good we ended our relationship, that otherwise I would end up wasting more time and also this pain will bring me future happiness someday. Also sometimes I do not feel that much pain anymore and can be positive about my future.

Other times I am still scared that I'm spoiling the slightest chance I might have had by not responding to his email (I NEVER ignored his calls/emails during our relationship in 5 years even when we had some argument/disagreement). Because he has always been that way: I or his friend had to contact him first, he would never initiate contact even if he misses the person secretly - he is the kind of person who could just rationalize the situation - "well if I do not hear from him/her, this is it, and I will accept that". So when I think of the possibility, I feel "gosh, I need to do something about it!"

As Prissanna said, I wish I had more relaxed personality where I could completely believe in "things will work out just fine and if it's meant to be, it will happen", and just sit back. That's just not me.

Agreed. What I am differentiating between is someone who changes their behavior because they had an epiphany and wanted to change themselves versus somone who changes their behavior because they want to influence someone. The former is more likely to be permanent, the latter temporary.


If you knew that this was how your BF felt about marriage, I am surprised you stayed with him for five years. It sounds like he did exactly what his brother did - enjoyed his single life, but had a warm body to spend the night with. Weird.

AGG

Yes I know. Guess I wanted to believe that b/c he was so attracted to me that his expectations would evolve over time.

Milkshake, we gotta talk ...



AGG

Milkshake, I saw this on Pinterest last night and thought about you.

Thnaks AGG and Prissanna. I cannot see what you attached (it's being blocked at work), Prissana, but I will check it out later tonight at home.

AGG's response made me laugh. Thanks for lightening up my day.

Just saw the attachment Prissanna. This is too funny!

Someone put some sense in me pls..., having another anxiety attack where I feel like I NEED to ask if he is open to counseing... Just because he will NEVER contact me again if I did not respond to his email. Agh.

DON'T DO IT!!!!

Hon, if you're seriously having an anxiety attack over this, you might consider talking to your doctor about anti-anxiety meds.

Keep banging my head When I think of something else, now I can sort of switch XBF off of my mind, even if it's brief. So I think I am making a progress. But then when I feel like I would never meet a guy with his qualities again, it makes me feel desperate.

I'm with Kirby....just keep pushing him out of your mind! He is NOT the one for you!