Isn't it your house as well? What, exactly, is the 'everything' that she is doing?

MB
She had moved out about 5 miles away or so to a rental house in december saying she needed space so she could think and we could try to work on marriage and then when moved out she gave me all the things I supposedly did wrong (I'm not perfect and sure there is things I could do better)but that was just a big cover up for herself. She has always been honest, truthful, loving, the best person I ever knew but things sure went down hill all of a sudden. It's sad how another person can get in the way and change and ruin things.

She is using just threats to keep me away because she does not want me alone with the kids to tell them why Mom moved out and took you out of your safe happy home. Not the lie that I was not doing this or that and its all my fault.
She is using the kids as a tool its sad but she verbally told me she was going to after the exposure at work.

Email went a something like this

This man has stalked me and my coworker. He's threatened harm to my coworker, (Lie never happened) and he's jeopardized my job. You have heard half the truths and have encouraged the behavior that has put my livelihood and safety at risk. If something bad happens to me, my job, or anyone close to me I will hold you legally financially and morally responsible.

Response

Have you been having an affair with this coworker? Have you lie to your husband and children about it? Are you still married to your husband? How did you think your husband would respond to discovering for a fact that your were betraying him? Who's more responsible for your husbands pain and suffering? You or me?
Take some for your own behavior and stop blaming others for the problems you create for yourself.

I just met another couple locally that used Dr. H years ago and helped them solve there problems and there living happily after thanks to him.

I talked to my attorney. he asked me to contact her and give her until today to make a schedule with me or we will have to file in court tomorrow for custody/visitation.

How dumb can this be.

this is just so out of the normal for her actions.

Is this normal or just a extreme case of Fog, denial of any fault.
I Love her but I'm having a harder time everyday accepting her unlogical behavior.
For almost 3 moths I worked on looking inside myself to find what I could have done to trigure this and then I find out she had been pulling strings and lying to me all along.
Now that the truth is exposed you'd think you would see the light and come clean and repent and take your medicine.
Does the fact it went on for some time make it that much harder for her to come clean or is it a lost cause or?

My affair lasted almost 3 YEARS and it took me about 6 months to completely defog and get through withdrawl.

Don't know if that helps you any. Are you trying to figure out how much time to give her? Do as Lexxy suggested.

Does the fact it went on for some time make it that much harder for her to come clean...?

Yes, apparently (this is not MY research) the female brain/heart/soul is only able to fix "love" on one person at a time - serial amore, if you will. Men are better able to multiplex their devotions to several females. (Hey! There's a reason harems were arranged as they were!)

Anyway, if an affair goes on to long, there is no "love" for the BH, only for the AP. Feelings for the BH (out of guilt, or whatever) are soon manifested as disgust, resentment, and derision.

That's why killing the WW-affair ASAP is so frightfully vital!

...or is it a lost cause?

A cause is lost only when you decide to stop fighting, rt.

There are no guarantees and no timetable.

She is living out of the home. You have exposed the affair. Her actions are up to her.

If your exposure ran the OM away, the that is a plus. No more fix for her. If it put pressure on her, another plus. Scrutiny ruins the fun.

If you get the kids back home and with you, a plus, a big one. I guarantee she never considered a scenario where that would happen.

If they work together and she is away from the home, it is not a plus. Getting the kids with you is a major thing you need to do.

In my story, I exposed, the OM lied and denied. His career was on the line. My WW was destroyed. Her parents and our kids knowing was horrifying to her. But I made a mistake and moved out a few weeks later. As soon as they thought they could resume contact, they did. They just didn't know I was still looking.

I guess I am telling you this to keep you even. I will be honest with you, she ain't likely to come home anytime soon because you shocked her into reality and she realized how much she loves you. don't work that way. At first, it will likely be some reason for her only, such as she wants to be with her kids. And it will likely be grudgingly.

But, whatever the reason, then you have a chance to put a plan together. But she has to decide to first. That's just how it is.

Not trying to discourage you, just trying to see the long road ahead.

It is long.

Great topic on the radio show today!

Comedy- Were you angry at your husband and telling him its all your fault and your not going to do anything, you ruined my life, I hate you. That is the kind of answers I get and it is frustrating. I know she's in the Fog but man talk about taking no responsibility yet. I understand many of you say that may take some time?

NG- I dont understand as I'm a man but I believe you. If this is true then there is definately the disgust, and resentment against me going on.
I have not decided to stop fighting, I love her very much but I find myself sometimes getting beat down, my love bank is getting emptied quickly when I know I didnt cause something and she continues to blame me or tell me she hates me or insinuates I ruined things for her or everyone who disagrees with her is ruining her and she hates them.
I want to and plan to keep fighting but I'm afraid if I dont change my attitude or get some hope that I may give up on her after a period of time of being blamed for everything while she cant see the truth. Like she may never see the light. I know there is no guarentees of her seeing the light but I guess I'm hoping to hear of a good chance or success stories of her seeing the light and facing reality.

mmm- I understand what your saying. I exposed it to everything and everyone including her parents our friends her and his work my family his parents any friends I could find of his. She and he are very upset over the way this all shook out (my feeling is oh well shouldnt have done what you did eh, learn self control) I dont expect or want her to try to fix all instantly I am just looking for confidence that she will see some of the light and be be a little interested in working on things for maybe all the wrong reasons but a reason that will lead us back together happier than ever with a new appreciation for each other. hopefully!

RT,
it took me a good long time to get out of the fog. Trickle truthed for too long and it wasn't until after I took 2 polygraphs that I realized the gig was up. We handled things a bit differently because OWs were not close.

I believe your WW can turn from her waywardness. I was fogged out but not to this extreme.

I also believe your WW not only called Dr. Harley but is quite possibly following your thread just as she lied and said you followed that POSOM.

Until the irrational behavior ceases, you need to take into STRONG consideration the safety of your children.

Hang in there. You are doing great.

I will give you some advice the very wise bigkahuna gave me back in the beginning. I was looking for every little thing as the sign that things were finally on the right track.

"If you take every little thing as a sign of hope, you will be up and down like a yo-yo and have those hopes dashed a lot. Just do you plan A as long and as well as you can and don't expect anything."

And don't talk about the relationship. Every time I said "yes we can" it gave her a chance to say, "no we can't."

When my WH's whore dumped him due to my exposure ... he became a raging lunatic ... wished I died ... and continuously told me he hated me.

The anger has settled and all waywards say that especially when fantasy land hits reality.

Nit
Thanks, I dont know if she is following the thread but I have nothing to hide. I have made a point of making sure anything I say or do could be done in the middle of the street and it would be ok. Some may agree or disagree but being decent and truthfull seems like the way to be and to live by that is even better.

MMM
Thanks I will try to follow that. sometimes I'm strong and other times I'm not as strong. So my feelings of what to and how to do things fluctuate regularily and it becomes a crazy rollercoater ride sometimes. It helps and motivates me to see others have made it through and it helps to here how and it helps to learn mistakes before I make them.
Everyone has been a great help so far THANK YOU!
I will keep looking for motivation and the things to learn what to do and not to do from experienced people like yourselves.

Pray
I'm assuming from your footer that you and your WH are in the process of divorce? He never came around and saw the light of day that you were a good or the best option for him.

The anger settled but he still is on his own path?

RT,
I never bad mouthed my husband in any way. In fact, POSOM knew he could never say a bad word against my H. He never did because he knew my H was better than him.

Anyway, no, I never told my husband it was all his fault and that I hated him, etc.

However, what I did do (which could be equivalent to saying it's his fault)is write my H a letter pointing out everything that I thought was wrong in the relationship and everything I wanted him to "fix". This was about 3 months or so into my affair.

What this was was making myself feel better by saying in my head, "Well, I TRIED to tell him" and "I TRIED to fix my marriage".

Ha......I was clueless. Everything your WW says and does is an attempt to make herself feel better. She is not taking responsibility at all. She will continue to justify her affair to herself. That's what my ex-friend did. Now she's unhappily married to her POSOM. She STILL bad mouths her ex-husband. It makes me sick. It's a coninuted attempt for her to rewrite history so that she can survive in the crappy life she made for herself and her kids.
CT

However, what I did do (which could be equivalent to saying it's his fault)is write my H a letter pointing out everything that I thought was wrong in the relationship and everything I wanted him to "fix". This was about 3 months or so into my affair


This is exactly what my Wife did almost to a T. She told me there was a bunch of things that she wanted changed. I started to look deep inside myself and working on myself and trying to give her anything she would want. After I did that for a while and didnt see much change she gave me a specific list. Once again I promised to look into myself and say I could do some of these things better. At times I would think I just cant see some of these things being that bad but who am I to judge this is what is important to her so I will meet her needs.

when I was meeting all those needs it became kinda a changing target. All while other people kept telling me she is giving you the run around. It took till I had proof to realize. Like you said she was re writing history. The weeks leading up to the I need space was her telling multiple people in person and on facebook how great I am and how good I treat her and the kids or how lucky she is. Then History started to get rewritten.

It's the gaslighting that WSs do to get you to look more closely at yourself, and look AWAY from them.

It's history re-write, but there is a small grain of truth in it, and it plays on the BSs thoughts.

That's why it's important to follow the MB plans. They lead you in the right direction.

I would go as far to say that it is not a re-write most of the time, and there is a large amount of truth. Was in my case. A BS that had no part in the failure of the marriage is pretty rare, IMO.

But that and blame for the WS actions are two different things.

That is the plan a part called "the carrot." Really examine things and shore up the weak spots.

Just don't let her bamboozle you into thinking that the affair is anyone's fault but hers.

mm
I agree there are valid points of what she had said as far as things that she would like different. I have examined all aspects for months, I know where I can do better and have and will continue to show that I can improve on those areas.
So I guess your right when she did give me the list that it was a good thing and I have accepted it. I am a believer that the list should have been talked about before there was a affair not after.
Now there is no excuse for going outside the marriage and then giving out the list. I am studying and out of this I will be a better spouse at some point but my WW needs to be around to see it to accept it.

RT, you are so right on this. Your wife did the same thing I did. She was just trying to claim that she "tried" everything. However, you cannot repair your marriage until she is out of the fog and through withdrawl and back home. This requires a NC letter and EPs and her returning home.

None of this will happen until the affair is destroyed or dies a natural death.
Stay strong. You're doing great!
Oh, and good broadcast on MB radio today. Listen to it!

I am one with you on the adultery and then the grievances ... The reason is until they get into adultery they didn't have anything to compare. It is the contrast effect Dr. Harley discusses.

Now the adultery partner is showing their best, so of course the spouse looks like a horrific troll who failures are larger than Everest. They look at their spouse and only see the negatives because the adultery partner is all positive. The HIGH is just that good!!!

My WH has specifically stated his grievances and I have met and mastered each one ... almost have the six pack abs to go with ...

It makes no difference how awesome I am today as his wife he is HIGH as a kite on a whore at the moment.

The best I can do is stick to my Plan B and wait out the two years. He has snippets of fog lifting ... he is now on the prowl for his HIGH because she did dump him. They still remain friends and until he is able to defog and break all contact I have to wait ...

I am not necessarily waiting for him today. I am only healing myself. Actually I really enjoy the changes I have made to myself.

That Dr. Harley is a brilliant man. His books "Fall in Love Stay in Love", "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders", and "Lovebusters" have been almost as miraculous to my healing as the Bible.

Clean up your side of the fence ... trust me the wayward will notice ... when the adultery is good and dead ... they will remember.