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Q ... that sucks ..I am very sorry to hear of your hubbies porn addiction. You mention looking for the articles on porn .. so i went and found them for you. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050a_qa.html - part 1 http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050b_qa.html - part 2 In my situation, I read the books I had first.Mind you I only had His Needs her needs (not for parents one) and that was the starting point for both my wife and I in regards to books but I still read it before we read it together. Your hubby has to get away from the PC .. porn is a hard habit to break .. especially if the hubby feels his needs are not being met. However .. that is NOT an excuse. If you are offended by porn .. and feel its infidelity of sorts .. then you might want to take a look at this article. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8501_fft.html - Whats an affair? I am sure the vets will be along to give you some better advice but figured I would post the info your looking for. MNG edit to add a link to a thread by Pepperband that you may find useful on this topic. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2567688&page=1
Last edited by MrNiceGuy; 02/28/12 06:52 PM.
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Thanks MNG I feel like I'm in shock, I can't believe you were right about this. I thought this was dealt with years ago and hasn't been an issue since, I thought it was just the gaming we were dealing with now(which he has stopped doing with his friends for the time being, but is still doing on-line). I feel like cancelling the internet but that would also cut me off from this kind of thing... that or else putting a lock on his pc so that everything he does is on mine and in the open...
Him: 35
Me: 34
married: 2003
together since 2000
DS: 7
DS: 5
DS: 2
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does porn equate to an emotional affair?
Him: 35
Me: 34
married: 2003
together since 2000
DS: 7
DS: 5
DS: 2
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well, I caught him on my pc this morning looking at it, so we had it out this morning... he said it only happens while I'm pregnant and then quickly ends afterwards. He said he's ashamed of it, and he has agreed to go through the marriage builders program together and read the books together. so I suppose something good might come out of this after all.  he has agreed tonight we will sit down together and figure this out. I'm going to be in sooo much pain today after this, and I'll have to watch for other stuff... *sigh, of all days this could have happened, I suppose I should be thankful this happened on a day when I was scheduled to be in the hospital anyways....
Him: 35
Me: 34
married: 2003
together since 2000
DS: 7
DS: 5
DS: 2
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Thats a great sign Q, I am glad he finally descided to take the plunge. I think you should start with the his needs her needs for parents book and then love busters .. followed by the workbook .. hopefully you didnt tip your hand to how you found out about his porn .. you should just "know" and he can wonder. (for now). This is a HUGE step forward .. he will finally see and be able to grasp the entire concepts now that you guys can work the books together. They make GREAT UA time after the kids are in bed. Keep up the good work. EDIT: Here is a link to what may be going on in your hubbies head .. its page 9 of the link i gave you before that lead to peps thread. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2567688&page=9Here is also an article on what the good DR. says about snooping... http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html
Last edited by MrNiceGuy; 02/29/12 12:22 PM.
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he's been into porn... transgender porn.. what the heck??? Cool your jets, and breathe. It's for more normal than you might believe when it comes to internet porn usage. You can Google about Porn addiction and/or Pornography induced Erectile Dysfunction. Those with testimonials include hundreds of stories of men falling into transgender, or even gay porn... despite no real-world attraction to these things. It's a function of escalation of the addiction. It needs to stop, cold turkey.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I hear you HHH.. we talked about it last night and I did some research on it the day before, after I found out about it.
MNG I haven't told him how I know, last night while we were talking I told him the reason I was so distant the day before was because I was trying to figure how to ask him if he was having an affair or was into porn, because I knew that something wasn't right. he seemed satisfied with that.
I have gone through and cataloged everything from the keylogger. I found with the time he spends on gaming, porn, and other internet stuff seems to be pretty equally split. either way his time on the PC still outweighs the time he spends with me. that should get better with time though, I think, as we go through the books and address each issue one by one.
I thought after our blow up yesterday morning that would be the end of the porn, but sure enough while I was out he was at it again... but then we had a very good chat last night after reading the first chapter and intro to Love Busters. so I guess that's where we are starting. I think I will let this go for now and see if there is any change here on out. if it comes up again I will call him on it.
Him: 35
Me: 34
married: 2003
together since 2000
DS: 7
DS: 5
DS: 2
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If he is into transgender stuff, it is going to come up again. It's part of escalation, and a hallmark of addiction. He'd probably never a book a flight to Bangkok to pay for a shemale, but he's looking at it because he has overstimulated the pleasure centers in his brain and needs hyper-stimulating images to induce response.
You would notice this in decreased sexual performance when the two of you make love - decreased erectile function, premature ejaculation, or difficulty reaching climax.
From what I have read, those who have broken the addiction take a 90 day period of abstinence from Porn, Masturbation, and Orgasm (PMO) to return to "normal" sexual function.
The problem is this; that's 90 days of denying those needs.
I don't know... maybe a modified version of sexual aversion exercises would work...?
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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dang and he was at it again last night... I really thought we had come to an understanding about it... I think my next step is to point blank ask him to stop and never look at anything along those lines again, and to come to me when he's feeling inclined to.
He offered me some SF last night so we talked about if he is just trying to fill my love bank by doing so or if it does something for him. he said he likes it so I agreed to it. I was hoping that might fill his need enough that he would be able to resist the other stuff, but obviously not. he didn't ask for anything more.
I did find it interesting though when I was going through the key logger yesterday that Internet explorer (I don't use) saved my search for the porn addiction article here in its history and he apparently saw and read them too...
Him: 35
Me: 34
married: 2003
together since 2000
DS: 7
DS: 5
DS: 2
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Hi Q .. you can put some "cleaning" software on your PC that will clear that up if you dont want your hubby snooping on you while your learning here on MB. Its called ccleaner. get it here and run both the cleaners on it. When it asks you to make a back up of the registry just say no and fix all the issues it finds .. and repeat til it finds no more. http://www.piriform.com/I also went back over your entire thread and wanted to point out some earlier advice that was given to you .. maybe its time to take action with the suggested things from earlier. First there is this .. Definitely take back the cubby. He would not be able to retreat off away from the family if the computer was in the middle of the living room. I know a couple who are both big gamers. Their set-up is two computers facing each other on the same desk, in the middle of their living room. They play together. Trying to shield the children from gaming by creating that separate space has aided in the removal of their father from the family. So, rearrange the house.  I agree with Mel about just getting rid of the computer, though, too. You wouldn't stock the bar if your husband was an alcoholic and just say, uh-uh, you can't touch it! If he intends to stay married, you need to enforce this kind of stuff as explained in the Quits newsletter. And this There is a very straight line to full recovery: eliminate the computer addiction, eliminate lovebusters and restore romantic love by spending 20+ hours of undivided attention meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.
Anything other than that is a distraction from the solution. And this one Q, you need to speak up and tell him what a problem this computer is. Tell him you are not okay with the amount of time he is spending on the computer and the circumstances under which he does it. And then stick to that, every day: keep this problem on the front burner until it is solved. Possibly even ESPECIALLY this one.. I would very pleasantly pick up the computer and drop it out of the upstairs window. His computer is about like an alcoholic keeping booze in the house. his computer is destructive to your marriage and I would get rid of it. That crosses a boundary of YOURS, TheQ, that should not be crossed. This one too .. Most addicts do not sober up until they are separated from their addiction FIRST and they do not admit their addiction until they are sober. For example, most alcoholics don't show up at AA because they magically realized the error of their ways and skipped to my lou to an AA meeting! Oh no!! They are FORCED there by the courts, police, employers and spouses. Many will go to JAIL if they don't stop their addiction and have to submit to drug testing. In other words, most addicts don't wake up and magically realize the error of their ways. It takes a caring person hold a gun to their head and put a stop to it. In the case of an alcoholic or a computer junkie, I would not allow either of those substances to destroy my home life and would remove them. Keep in mind that Dr Harley states that in the case of an affair addiction that polite requests do not work. It is because the addiction has the person fogged out, which is the condition that applies to gaming addictions: From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94: "Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers." In this case we could reasonably say "While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate him from his computer addiction." And ..... this one I'm not saying that she shouldn't take the direct approach ie throw out the computer. I'm just saying be prepared with your arguments, and be prepared for his reaction. I think this is where spouses of addicts get mired down and miss the boat. They try to negotiate with the addict. That is like debating with a falling down drunk. The bottom line is that boundaries are not negotiable; not up for debate. They just ARE. And the spouse either respects them or they don't. If they don't the offended spouse needs to be prepared to defend those boundaries. Or she can't call them boundaries. An undefended boundary is not a boundary, it is just hot air. A demand cannot be ignored if followed by swift and immediate consequences. Like Harley states, polite requests are not likely to work. ANNNNND this one!!!! lol .. Q
Poking and prodding your husband off of the computer is not going to work IF YOU DO NOT MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE YOUR TOP PRIORITY AS WELL! Q, this is critical to understand. If he gets off the computer he will have a big vacuum in his life. It HAS to be filled with something he loves and enjoys. THAT NEEDS TO BE YOU!!! It needs to be you and your undivided attention - with no children around. I GET that you want him to be a part of the children's lives, but FIRST fix your marriage and learn to use the POJA and the DS need can be addressed then. Infact, Possibly You should read and reread your thread a few times .. this way you can grasp your scenerio better and see where you were at before and compare it to where you are now. Keep up the good work Q .. its a marathon .. not a sprint. MNG
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Thanks MNG.. I needed that.
Him: 35
Me: 34
married: 2003
together since 2000
DS: 7
DS: 5
DS: 2
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well as far as the porn thing goes I addressed it point blank last night. as soon as he got home from work I proved to him that I can still fulfill his need for SF and then told him that I want to be able to trust him again but I can't do that if I keep getting inclinations that the porn hasn't stopped. So I asked him to commit to me to never touch it or look at it again and to come to me when he feels the urge or need arising. so he did commit. the words were very clear so that there was no mistaking or misunderstanding the meaning or anything like that. I told him that I don't ever want to have to talk about this issue again and I asked him to make it a priority so that we never have to be here again.
I feel that this is the most honesty we've had with each other in a long time. granted I was doing most of the asking and he didn't offer up any extra information beyond what I asked about, but I feel that he was more honest with me about it than he has been in the past and I didn't hold back with any questions or concerns that I had.
I can only deal with one issue at a time so since this feels like the priority issue I will give it a couple of days before pushing anything else as we continue to read the love busters book together.
I had an appointment with my stress coach last night but he said he didn't think that was fair unless I was willing to give him time out with his friends. That's the first time he has ever said that he wasn't ok with me doing anything. He sees things as though he's doing all the bending and I wanted to show him that I was willing to bend as well to make things work here so I conceded to it although it wouldn't have had any effect on our UA time, I decided to make my appointments for that during the day while he is at work, like I do with all my other appointments. it's just terribly inconvenient to try to find child care during the day. oh well, if he insist on me being home while he is then I am fine with that, because I feel it is worth the relationship.
Him: 35
Me: 34
married: 2003
together since 2000
DS: 7
DS: 5
DS: 2
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So... I have just learned that my Husband has Aspergers. This explains A LOT of the problems we've had. Now I'm trying to learn as much as I can about it so we can better work through this.
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So... I have just learned that my Husband has Aspergers. This explains A LOT of the problems we've had. Now I'm trying to learn as much as I can about it so we can better work through this. They make GREAT students of Marriage Builders!! Many computer techs have mild aspergers. I think we have a few of those around here, Didn'tQuit's husband and Markos come to mind.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So... I have just learned that my Husband has Aspergers. This explains A LOT of the problems we've had. Now I'm trying to learn as much as I can about it so we can better work through this. They make GREAT students of Marriage Builders!! Many computer techs have mild aspergers. I think we have a few of those around here, Didn'tQuit's husband and Markos come to mind. We have had quite a few Asperger's spouses here and most have been successful recovery stories. Aspies always tell the truth. Radical Honesty is their greatest asset. Also they love having and following rules.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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