Q ... that sucks ..I am very sorry to hear of your hubbies porn addiction. You mention looking for the articles on porn .. so i went and found them for you.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050a_qa.html - part 1

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050b_qa.html - part 2

In my situation, I read the books I had first.Mind you I only had His Needs her needs (not for parents one) and that was the starting point for both my wife and I in regards to books but I still read it before we read it together.

Your hubby has to get away from the PC .. porn is a hard habit to break .. especially if the hubby feels his needs are not being met. However .. that is NOT an excuse. If you are offended by porn .. and feel its infidelity of sorts .. then you might want to take a look at this article.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8501_fft.html - Whats an affair?

I am sure the vets will be along to give you some better advice but figured I would post the info your looking for.

MNG

edit to add a link to a thread by Pepperband that you may find useful on this topic.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2567688&page=1

Thanks MNG I feel like I'm in shock, I can't believe you were right about this. I thought this was dealt with years ago and hasn't been an issue since, I thought it was just the gaming we were dealing with now(which he has stopped doing with his friends for the time being, but is still doing on-line). I feel like cancelling the internet but that would also cut me off from this kind of thing... that or else putting a lock on his pc so that everything he does is on mine and in the open...

does porn equate to an emotional affair?

well, I caught him on my pc this morning looking at it, so we had it out this morning...
he said it only happens while I'm pregnant and then quickly ends afterwards. He said he's ashamed of it, and he has agreed to go through the marriage builders program together and read the books together.

so I suppose something good might come out of this after all. he has agreed tonight we will sit down together and figure this out. I'm going to be in sooo much pain today after this, and I'll have to watch for other stuff... *sigh, of all days this could have happened, I suppose I should be thankful this happened on a day when I was scheduled to be in the hospital anyways....

Thats a great sign Q, I am glad he finally descided to take the plunge. I think you should start with the his needs her needs for parents book and then love busters .. followed by the workbook .. hopefully you didnt tip your hand to how you found out about his porn .. you should just "know" and he can wonder. (for now). This is a HUGE step forward .. he will finally see and be able to grasp the entire concepts now that you guys can work the books together. They make GREAT UA time after the kids are in bed.

Keep up the good work.

EDIT: Here is a link to what may be going on in your hubbies head .. its page 9 of the link i gave you before that lead to peps thread. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2567688&page=9

Here is also an article on what the good DR. says about snooping... http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

Cool your jets, and breathe.

It's for more normal than you might believe when it comes to internet porn usage.

You can Google about Porn addiction and/or Pornography induced Erectile Dysfunction.

Those with testimonials include hundreds of stories of men falling into transgender, or even gay porn... despite no real-world attraction to these things. It's a function of escalation of the addiction.

It needs to stop, cold turkey.

I hear you HHH.. we talked about it last night and I did some research on it the day before, after I found out about it.

MNG I haven't told him how I know, last night while we were talking I told him the reason I was so distant the day before was because I was trying to figure how to ask him if he was having an affair or was into porn, because I knew that something wasn't right. he seemed satisfied with that.

I have gone through and cataloged everything from the keylogger. I found with the time he spends on gaming, porn, and other internet stuff seems to be pretty equally split. either way his time on the PC still outweighs the time he spends with me. that should get better with time though, I think, as we go through the books and address each issue one by one.

I thought after our blow up yesterday morning that would be the end of the porn, but sure enough while I was out he was at it again... but then we had a very good chat last night after reading the first chapter and intro to Love Busters. so I guess that's where we are starting. I think I will let this go for now and see if there is any change here on out. if it comes up again I will call him on it.

If he is into transgender stuff, it is going to come up again. It's part of escalation, and a hallmark of addiction. He'd probably never a book a flight to Bangkok to pay for a shemale, but he's looking at it because he has overstimulated the pleasure centers in his brain and needs hyper-stimulating images to induce response.

You would notice this in decreased sexual performance when the two of you make love - decreased erectile function, premature ejaculation, or difficulty reaching climax.

From what I have read, those who have broken the addiction take a 90 day period of abstinence from Porn, Masturbation, and Orgasm (PMO) to return to "normal" sexual function.

The problem is this; that's 90 days of denying those needs.

I don't know... maybe a modified version of sexual aversion exercises would work...?

dang and he was at it again last night... I really thought we had come to an understanding about it... I think my next step is to point blank ask him to stop and never look at anything along those lines again, and to come to me when he's feeling inclined to.
He offered me some SF last night so we talked about if he is just trying to fill my love bank by doing so or if it does something for him. he said he likes it so I agreed to it. I was hoping that might fill his need enough that he would be able to resist the other stuff, but obviously not. he didn't ask for anything more.

I did find it interesting though when I was going through the key logger yesterday that Internet explorer (I don't use) saved my search for the porn addiction article here in its history and he apparently saw and read them too...

Hi Q .. you can put some "cleaning" software on your PC that will clear that up if you dont want your hubby snooping on you while your learning here on MB. Its called ccleaner. get it here and run both the cleaners on it. When it asks you to make a back up of the registry just say no and fix all the issues it finds .. and repeat til it finds no more.

http://www.piriform.com/

I also went back over your entire thread and wanted to point out some earlier advice that was given to you .. maybe its time to take action with the suggested things from earlier.

First there is this ..


And this


And this one


Possibly even ESPECIALLY this one..


This one too ..


And ..... this one



ANNNNND this one!!!! lol ..


Infact, Possibly You should read and reread your thread a few times .. this way you can grasp your scenerio better and see where you were at before and compare it to where you are now.

Keep up the good work Q .. its a marathon .. not a sprint.

MNG

Thanks MNG.. I needed that.

well as far as the porn thing goes I addressed it point blank last night. as soon as he got home from work I proved to him that I can still fulfill his need for SF and then told him that I want to be able to trust him again but I can't do that if I keep getting inclinations that the porn hasn't stopped. So I asked him to commit to me to never touch it or look at it again and to come to me when he feels the urge or need arising. so he did commit. the words were very clear so that there was no mistaking or misunderstanding the meaning or anything like that. I told him that I don't ever want to have to talk about this issue again and I asked him to make it a priority so that we never have to be here again.
I feel that this is the most honesty we've had with each other in a long time. granted I was doing most of the asking and he didn't offer up any extra information beyond what I asked about, but I feel that he was more honest with me about it than he has been in the past and I didn't hold back with any questions or concerns that I had.

I can only deal with one issue at a time so since this feels like the priority issue I will give it a couple of days before pushing anything else as we continue to read the love busters book together.

I had an appointment with my stress coach last night but he said he didn't think that was fair unless I was willing to give him time out with his friends. That's the first time he has ever said that he wasn't ok with me doing anything. He sees things as though he's doing all the bending and I wanted to show him that I was willing to bend as well to make things work here so I conceded to it although it wouldn't have had any effect on our UA time, I decided to make my appointments for that during the day while he is at work, like I do with all my other appointments. it's just terribly inconvenient to try to find child care during the day. oh well, if he insist on me being home while he is then I am fine with that, because I feel it is worth the relationship.

So... I have just learned that my Husband has Aspergers. This explains A LOT of the problems we've had. Now I'm trying to learn as much as I can about it so we can better work through this.

They make GREAT students of Marriage Builders!! Many computer techs have mild aspergers. I think we have a few of those around here, Didn'tQuit's husband and Markos come to mind.

We have had quite a few Asperger's spouses here and most have been successful recovery stories. Aspies always tell the truth. Radical Honesty is their greatest asset. Also they love having and following rules.