What do hope to accomplish with this talk?

Again I ask do your children know that you had an affair with this OM that you want to be their step dad?

No, both men are not great choices. Only one is. You are making a critical decision in your life right now that will have some soul shattering ramifications if you make the wrong decision. You know who the better man is, or else you wouldn't be here asking for advice. You already know the right decision, or you wouldn't be here. In other words, if you were 100% sure of what you are doing, you wouldn't be here at all.

But here you are, and that's very telling. There is something deep down inside of you telling you that you have screwed up, have a potential opportunity to fix this mess you created, but are too scared to take the steps necessary to do the right thing. By the right thing, I don't mean to God, family, or simply righteousness, but to yourself.

You obviously have a lot remorse for what you have done, and it would appear you have an XH that is willing to work with you to repair what YOU have broken. But, now you have your affair partner (who played a HUGE part in busting up your marriage) waiting in the wings. A man that busted up one family is not above busting up two when he gets tired of you. He's already proven just what kind of "man" he is. And so has your XH. Ask yourself this; which one of the two really has more character.

I think you already know the answer to this because otherwise, you wouldn't be here.

You've got one shot at making this right. Don't screw it up. If you do, you will live one long life of regret. Of this I can assure you.

One day my wife and I spoke to Steve Harley on the phone early in the morning. Later that day she asked what I thought. I told her there was a lot to digest. I drove out by myself for lunch that day, thinking I had a lot to digest. Texted my wife at some point saying I was going out to lunch to mull all this over and digest it. Over and over again I repeated that this was a lot to digest.

Finally I realized I wasn't doing anything. I was just lying to myself that I was "working on it" or "digesting" it. That was apparently what I said when I did nothing. So I decided to just start doing what Steve Harley said, and it worked.

As long as contact continues, the affair continues. Contact is the affair. Every time you see him or talk to him, that is a hit of what is affecting you.

FM, has your ex-husband ever posted here?

Such a great thread. If you could turn this (your life, your former marriage, your family) around...wow, what a success story that could be.

"honest conversation with OM"....is that even possible???

Beware the honey that drips from the adulterers lips...contact with OM is sure to confuse you more. Tomorrow...when you come back to this thread I predict lots of fog and confusion after a fresh "hit" of OM.

Clarity can only be found in "NO CONTACT". Take one step and the rest will surely follow. The courage is in the doing. Just DUMP OM already and THEN figure out the rest.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - He's a big boy and as a serial cheater he knows the game well. He doesn't need the decency of a meeting or "closure contact" for you to just end it with him. He'll understand but they always try to draw you back in for just one more night. Like the Jane's Addiction song, Jane Say's ..."I'm gonna kick tomorrow". btw....If you marry him he'll just put up a vacancy sign on the mistress position. It's what he does.

If you want to take control of your life, better make this decision for yourself. Not talk it over with OM-homewrecker.

Listen to Dr Harley:


Write a brief, NON LOVING, factual letter of NO CONTACT to OM.
Send it to OM and send a copy to your ex-H.

Post your draft of the NC letter on this thread so we can make sure you are doing it right.

We will be glad to guide you towards a healthy, non-adultery life style, only if you can follow instructions.

We will encourage you only as long as you follow the MB path.

The moment you mis-step, we will post about your error.

An "honest talk" to OM is not the right step.

A NC letter is the correct step.

Here is a template:

OM (no endearments)

Our adultery was a grave error in judgment.
We were selfish. We caused others heartbreak and pain.
I am finally ready to do the right thing.
This adulterous affair is over.
I never want to communicate with you ever again.
I am taking steps towards reconciliation with (husband).
I still love (husband).
Respect my wishes, and never contact me again.

(your name)

OK?

Let's see your NC letter in your next post.

FM, I have been watching and waiting hopeful that you would come back and inform us of how you are doing and that you have made the right decision and called off your impending marriage to your affair partner.

It is not too late to stop this, right up until the very moment you are pronounced married at the ceremony. If the courage finally comes to you as you are walking down the aisle it is not too late to turn around and leave!!

Do not concern yourself with what OM will do. He can find another job. He will survive and move on, I promise.

Concern yourself with leading a good and honorable life from this day forward. You can do it. You said you wanted to do that in your opening post.

If you and your xBH decide to work out your marriage the people here will be behind you and support and guide you. There are amazing people here!!! If you stop this madness yet are not able to reconcile with your xBH the people here will still help you as long as you are committed to a path of excellence in cleaning up your life.

You will not however be able to ask for help here once you marry your affair partner. When he cheats on you, and trust me, he will, you can not come here as a betrayed wife for support and understanding. It does not matter how sorry you are, how changed you are, they will not be able to help you. You will be alone, miserable, with the gut wrenching knowledge that you did it to yourself. You do not want to be there. I can assure you that you do not want to be in that ugly place!!

You can put the title MRS. in front of your name. It is not going to change the fact that you are the homewrecking other woman. You will carry that label for as long as you stay with your affair partner. Does your OM have children? Do they not hate you? Do you think for one second that this will eventually blow over? Do you think for one second that you will ever be a good and healthy relationship in their lives? You won't! You can't! I know this first hand. I TRIED! I am a changed person inside and out but my past actions stand. They can not be changed or erased and the damage they did is not going to disappear. There is no way to make it work.

What about your son? He is young now right? What do you think is going to happen when he hits his teen years and begins to comprehend who his step-daddy is and what the two of you did to his father (who sounds like a decent man) and to his life? Do you really think you can sweep it under the rug?? Do you really want to sweep it under the rug so that he becomes an adult with a skewed moral compass?

FM, don't let your life end up being nothing more than a tragic warning to others of what not to do...

You won't like it. I don't.
NC12

And, the ever-ready

"What if it does not work?"

Yes Pep, I expect about the same. I just feel the need to try again to reach her in case she is still lurking. You know all of those mixed up feelings you mentioned, they are very real to her. It is sad and scary. I had just hoped that I could give her one tiny moment of clarity on which to build. God can do HUGE things with tiny seeds. It's worth my time to lay it out there...

If she doesn't see it, maybe there is another lurker who will.

NC12

P.S. To be clear, I don't mean her feelings are right or justified, just that to her they are real.