Discovery day was Valentines day this year.How ironic is that?!Actually,I caught her cheating many years ago.I dont know if shes considered a serial cheater because we were in an unstable long distance relationship when she was seeing several men.We were on and off with many breaks in between.Then we finally made a serious commitment to our relationship and she moved in with me in 2000.We've had our ups and downs but nothing really serious.We constantly talked about our future plans and I honestly felt that our love and relationship would last forever.Although she would tell me now that all this time,she had thought about leaving me.She also said that maybe she had never really loved me and along with many of the fog talk other people have mentioned here.
It took me many years to get over her promiscuous past and restored the love I have for her.But its like deja vu all over again.The lies,the deceits ,the betrayal all came back on DD 2 on Valentines day.I fell into abyss and depression .I cant even describe what I had gone through for the next several days.I thought I was going to die from lack of sleep and malnutrition.On top of that,my wife felt no remorse and even complained about how weak I was under these circumstances.I think most of the BH here could understand what I'm talking about.
Its been over 2 weeks now.I am getting a little better with prayers to the Lord.He is helping me through all this.I am also grateful with the resources on the web.MB and SI and several other sites have provided me with lots of powerful knowledge and support.Ive been reading about different stories and I realized many of our stories are very similar in many ways.Sometimes,it feels like I am reading about my own story. Its encouraging to see some people having a positive outcome after the affair.But at times,I feel hopeless and helpless because my WW is not willing to end her affair.I wanted to give up but after many prayers,I feel I should still try to salvage my marriage because I still love her.
She met the man through her school reunion in Nov last year.She was always telling me about the gossips and news of her schoolmates but she never really talked about this man.She started exhibiting all the signs such as making dramatic changes in her appearance,losing a lot of weight,spending many hours on FB and she suddenly stopped talking about her schoolmates.The thing that made my radar went off was her FB password was changed.She would no longer leave her FB out in the open.She would be cautious everytime she leaves the computer,her FB would be logged off.I became very suspicious but I didnt want to confront her because I wanted to so believe she is a changed woman,a loyal and faithful wife to her husband.We goto church every week and the thought of cheating has not run in my mind for many years.I thought all the pain we had gone through after the affairs she had years ago would be something we would remember for the rest of our lives.I read from somewhere that "once a cheater,always a cheater"was a myth because most people who cheat would not cheat again because of how devastating the experience was for all parties involved.But the harsh reality was she met him in Nov and started the affair in the last week of Jan.It was EA/PA.They had just about 5 dates and she tells me they are both made for each other .The affair took place in her home country where the man resides.We live in another country.She goes back to visit her family every other month .So this is a long distance affair since they dont live in the same country but she is planning to see him again when she visits her family in April.I dont know if this is to my advantage or not.Although they cant be together physically all the time but you know the saying ....distance/absence makes the heart grow fonder..........I can tell she is totally addicted.She thinks he is the perfect man and my flaws are constantly magnified.Now I know Plan A is brutal and why only 15% succeed.Most have to resort to Plan B.
So I finally confronted her on Valentines day because I couldnt hold it in any longer.She denied at first .Then she caved in and admitted to the affair before I even have to present the evidence. She said she was going to end the affair and I would not find out for the rest of my life.I asked her if she wanted to save our marriage by going to counselling.She said she needed a few days to sort things out.Sounds familiar?Instead of ending the affair,she continues to make contact over the net and phone calls to OM.I feel hopeless and wants to give up this time because she is like another person.She has no remorse whatsoever.!!Its like a whole different person or a split personality .But we are still going to church and she prays at bedtime.I have no idea what is going on sometimes.Its so surreal!!
She initially proposed an open marriage.I rejected.Now she is proposing that we be friends/family.We can live together and be like brother and sister.She said I will eventually lose the remaining love that I have for her and everything would be ok.Is that possible?She is my best friend and the closest person to me in this world.But wouldnt I resent her ?Or would be I able to accept her like family?Is that a viable sensible solution?It does sound appealing....no more pain when I look at her.Its just like looking at your best friend,a roommate.....
I am aware the WW are all in a fog.What about their conscience?If my wife had a shred of conscience in her ,she would not be doing and saying the things that are so hurtful to me.She would also show remorse .Has anyone show their WW these forums here?I want to know how WW responds to the things the FWW said.
I know that exposing the affair immediately is important.But I dont want her mom to know because she is very old.I dont know how she would take it.
The OM is married but they live in another country.I am still looking for her fb but what if her fb was not set up to receive private msg?Any other way to contact her?
To make things more complicated,my wife and I are business partners.I am afraid the OM would leave his wife and ask my wife to be with him.He told my wife about his plans to do that but I dont know how much truth is that.Our business is facing some difficulties and our finance is not in place so the financial support need is not being met at the moment.Should I still expose now or wait til our financials improve?
How much should I expose to the OMW?Should I include their dirty prv msgs?
I really want to expose to her schoolmates.They have a school reunion fb.This is where everything started.However,many of her friends are either cheaters themselves or are thinking about cheating.Some even encouraged her to be with the OM!!I dont know any of them nor have I met them.They all reside in the same country as the OM.The only way I could expose is on fb.But by broadcasting hundreds of prv msgs to everyone on the reunion fb,they would think I am some crazy controlling husband.
I am dizzy as I am wrting this.Please ask questions if I have not made things clear.......Its a pain putting this together.I would appreciate for any advice.Thanks.

Married.No Children.
WW and BH:40ish
DD1:1998 DD 2:2012 Valentines Day
EA/PA:2012 Jan-present

Are you married?

Yes

Welcome to the place you'd rather not be.

Here's your game-plan:

NEVERGUESSED�S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. (�Eblaster� can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

But here's a word of caution. Reading your initial posting, I doubt you've got the steel to win this one. Your view of your WW, and HER view of your marriage is romantically immature, dude.

• I dont know if shes considered a serial cheater because we were in an unstable long distance relationship when she was seeing several men.
• I thought I was going to die from lack of sleep and malnutrition.On top of that,my wife felt no remorse and even complained about how weak I was under these circumstances.
• I feel hopeless and helpless because my WW is not willing to end her affair.
• I wanted to give up...
• I didnt want to confront her because I wanted to so believe she is a changed woman,a loyal and faithful wife to her husband.
• But we are still going to church and she prays at bedtime.

Each of these lines indicates you have not grasped the full import and depth of your wife's betrayal. You are going to have to become a stern, judgemental, and dispassionate "infidelity destroyer" to win this one - and even that might be enough.

You are GOING to tell MIL, regardless of how sick she may be. You are GOING to risk your business with WW, regardless of the potential damage. You are GOING to make WW lividly angry, when you basically inform everybody in her world that she's a cheating slut. "Xtremepain" is what you WILL be compelled to bring down on others. These are FACTS, and all the side-by-side prayer in the world will not change them.

Now, are you SURE you can do all this?

When you expose to OMW, read her ONE of the messages. Not the worst one, but one "dirty enough" to get the message across.
Tell OMW that you have (number) of other messages, and some are very graphic.
Tell OMW you will share the messages with her if she determines she wants to read them. Have copies made and put them aside, in an envelope.
Give OMW your email address.

Legally, or are you common-law husband and wife? How long have you been married?

We are legally married for almost 20 years.




Thanks for all the advice.
My wife doesnt have many friends here.Actually,we are both new to this country we are currently residing.Most of her friends live in another country where the OM is.

Do you have children together?

What you are experiencing is another affair obviously but also false recovery. The pain of finding out that the cheater never changed and it was a lie.

If you choose to fight for your marriage, it is extremely critical to follow MB concepts to a T - you are dealing with a serial cheater and belief/trust that she can change from her word is simply not good enough (serial cheater or one-time cheater, it doesn't matter).

I understand you do not want to upset her elderly mother but she may be your greatest ally in this, especially if she is older/traditional. Obviously her friends are the enemy too - friends who support adultery cannot be maintained.

How did you end up in a new country? Was this a joint agreement/

Now, are you SURE you can do all this?

The very fact that you skipped over my difficult question, and answered MB's creampuff, basically provides the answer.

We have no children.Moving to a new country was a mutual agreement.

Did you read NG's thread?

You understand that being passive for all these years has lead to her walking all over you by cheating with multiple men... being passive will only lead to a continuation of the same insanity. Are you willing to do all it takes? And that means a lot more than just exposure.

I didnt mean to skip your question.......I am ready to expose to OM and his wife.I am not too sure about her mom yet.

One thing I may add is that the affair took place in a country where adultery is a crime and is punishable by a jail sentence of up to 1 year.Few goto prison,most of them just get a fine.So I am also concerned about the OMW filing charges against my wife.Perhaps I dont provide her with evidence that I have.But what if she doesnt believe me?

My plan is to expose and follow MB Plan A.

xtreme, you will need to expose the affair to your wife's mother and her close family members. And yes, you should give the OM's wife all of the evidence you have of the affair. She has a right to have it and you should not harm this woman by protecting your wife. Stop trying to protect your wife, it does not help her one bit.

Click on the link in my signature and develop your exposure plan. Come back here and tell us your plan and we can give you feedback.

And you don't need to expose the affair to the OM, he already knows he is having an affair. Just focus on exposing to his wife and his parents. Does the OM have a facebook page?

I know there are several posts that say that Plan A only works 15% of the time, but that was a misunderstanding. Dr Harley was trying to say that only 15% of affairs die when they are discovered. I would place the actual success rate of Plan A at 50%.

And secondly, since your wife is a serial cheater, it is going to take a serious nuclear exposure to wake up her. She has been wayward for a very long time and that can be attributed to secrecy of her past. When affairs are not exposed, the WS's tend to hang onto the fantasy. Exposing the affair tends to lift the fog and motivate the WS to make amends. Here is what Harley says about it:

here

The OM has a fb page.

I would copy and paste all his contacts into a word doc for safekeeping. Can you ID his wife and parents from his contact list? Does his wife have a Facebook page?

If you have been married for 20 years and she had been cheating while living in another country up until the year 2000, that not only means that she is a serial cheater, but that she has been cheating throughout AT LEAST HALF YOUR MARRIAGE.

This was not some kind of unstable on/of relationship. The two of you were married.

You might consider getting legal advice on the business thing, just in case.

God bless,

Happyheart

The Om fb page does not show his friends/contacts

My wife is planning a trip to visit the OM.I havent exposed to OMW yet as my case is a little complicated.I wish I could get some advice from Dr Haley.Is there anyway to email him ?
I have OMW 's fb page but I am afraid my exposure msg would be intercepted by OM becos OMW is not active on fb.As mentioned before,affair took place in a country where adultery is a criminal offense.BS often hire PI to collect incriminating evidence.I really really want and need to expose to OMW but I dont want her to prosecute my wife.Of course,I have the right to do the same to the OM .Should I warn my wife?Should I hire the PI myself and threaten the OM to get lost?
What should I do?