It sucks that the one I want most, is trapped by her own fear.

I hear you. Sorry to hear about the funeral and for your loss.

CV

Me too Sir

Update....

We had SF. It did not go well. The look on her face was one of discust. There was no emotional connection. The next morning, we discussed her feelings.....it went south quickly. Needless to say, I left.

The following night during our AO, she claimed I raped her. Some story about a trip we went on several years ago. She claimed I held her down and forced myself on her. I do not recall that night. I called BS on that. She was blaming me for her PA.....she said that night changed how she felt about me. I called BS and starting packing. My 3 DD's heard us, and came into see what was happening. I packed and walked to the door, she did not follow, but my 15 yr old DD was there. She begged me not to leave, not to give up. That was the worst moment of this whole episode. I left my bags, but left. I went to a friends house for several hours.

Today, she says she doesn't want to divorce. She says she doesn't want to break up the family. I don't know what to think.

Could her Bi-Polar be affecting her reality? Could her meds lead to her "making" her own reality? Is this foggy talk? I know this may be outside most people's comfort zone, but I would love anyone's suggestion.

TTS;

Not what you are going to want to hear, but here it goes;

LISTEN to what she tells you.

Could it be fog-talk? Maybe.


Your reaction was a DJ - she stated her feelings/opinion about something, and you shouted her down.

If I were you, you might talk to her about doing sexual aversion exercises.

Tex,

This really is fog. I experienced something similar. During our first year of marriage, W and I were goofing around on the couch and I was tickling her and I apparently made her mad. She got on top of me and punched me a couple times in the chest and arms. I picked her up and put her in the bedroom and closed the door, not letting her out because I was angry.

Years later, after the 1st affair she began remembering it as I hit her. Her AP convinced her I was abusive towards her and that I was a wife beater. Waywards convince themselves of all sorts of things, and some may be rooted in fact and others may be pure fantasy. Either way, you have to talk about it in a productive way.

Her perception of what she thinks happened that night needs to be talked through because she is viewing it as a major LB.

If I were you, I would get back in contact with the Harleys and get a plan going again, otherwise, you guys will go volatile.

CV

Thanks guys.....

Here we are two nights later.....I have not left and we have once again we have told each other we want to work on our marriage. I stressed work to her. No more, I'm trying. It is work, wake up, get ready for the day and work on us....

A couple of questions....

HHH... Sexual aversion exercises.... Where can we find those? Is there a minimum # of SF during recovery? I'm thinking of suggesting 3 times a week.

CV .... Were you able to talk the "truth" of that night into her "truth"?

Group.... Is there anyone who has a Bi-polar wayward?

here you go;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html

We used to have a FWW around who was Bi-polar... but she kind of faded into the mists of time...

Tex,

Yes, but it took some time and careful conversation. Also me apologizing for how she felt.

More later... dinner now.

CV

My wife also accused me of the VERY SAME THING. According to Wikipedia, Mens Rights organizations report that false rape allegations are very common during divorce.

For what its worth, I would not stress anything to her. Lead by example. You are only responsible for YOUR actions, not hers.
Follow the PLAN in His Needs, Her Needs!

Tex,

Just wanted to expand a bit. We didn't discuss it all at once. What I did was lead up to the discussion. I also should note that Grace isn't bi-polar, and worked immediately after Dday on restoring our marriage, so I don't know how that (bi-polar) affects perception and recovery.

What I did do was talk to her about tangentially related things like what kind of husband I was over-all throughout the marriage. We discussed easier things leading up to it.

Once I established a pattern (of being a good husband for the majority of the marriage), I asked her to think back on things in light of that and ask me if being a wife beater was reasonable. I also had the added ability to have her ask the kids if I was ever abusive. THAT was hard, because while they agreed I was not abusive, they did confirm that I was pretty darned mean at times. This helped her in reviewing the issue (she was very much not opposed to me at this point) and helped us talk productively.

CV

Thanks CV.

This process is just that .... A process. D-Day was earth shattering, her reaction has been luke warm and though she says she wants to save the marriage, her idea is to wait until time has healed the wounds. I want to work on the healing process. Her bi-polar, her sexual aversion and unwillingness to "work" are all issues I struggle with in my recovery. Going 8 months without so much as a long kiss, was hard. So when I decided it was time to move to plan B, she had more excuses. She accused me of rape, and distorted history ( in my opinion ). I stay now bc she took a step, and bc my 3 girls.

I have reached out to the Harley's, but haven't heard back. My case may be one in which no professional wants to get involved.

Wish me luck. These next few weeks could get ugly.

Please notify Justuss to get help with contacting Dr. Harley. If you emailed, it could be that your message was lost and they are unaware of the contact request.

Tex,

I saw one of the moderators have asked you to contact them regarding your reaching out having gotten lost in the shuffle. Please contact them. I don't think/believe it is out of the realm of their expertise. Try again. If you are committed to helping your family, keep working with her.

Like I said, I don't know all the dynamics of bipolar disorder, but I can't help but think NOT working on anything with her is good for either of you.

You can gently press these issues. discuss them. Be watchful of her and see when she's hitting her limit and back off the pressure a little if that causes her to crash.

Sin is a horrible thing. Sexual sin is so much more devastating. It doesn't just defile the body, it corrupts the mind too. It affects every area of the person's being.

It occurred to me after I posted to you in my cold-medicine induced state that I missed an important element of **OUR** recovery here...

I also worked to encourage my wife and show her she could be so much more than she was. I didn't preach at her, but gently took her through the scriptures. I showed her that as she began trusting and resting in Christ that she was no longer who she was, but was a new creation in Christ and that as she embraced Christ, there was now no condemnation for her in Christ (Romans 8).

I also stressed this (for both of us):

Rom 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Sin affects us all in so many ways. I wouldn't be surprised if a large portion (or even all) of her bi-polar, depression, wrong thinking, etc... is due to what she has done. If not, at the very least, it is compounding it.

CV

TexasTwoStep,

I have contacted the Harley's.

I have provided them with your registration email address.

Or you can recontact them at

mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Thank you. I will watch my mail box for a reply. Talking this past two days has helped, but she is resistant to joining this forum.

CV,
I think her guilt is holding her down, being raised in a strict Church of Christ, she carries guilt to the extreme. I tell her there is hope in the word. Say a prayer for us.

Tex, THAT I can do for you.

CV

I'm back for advice. After 7 months of progress, I found a screen shot of a conversation between them on her phone. She says it was long ago, but how can I believe her?

Question.... Do I make contact with other mans wife? Do I contact other man?