This is from the private forum to a lady that was in Plan B:

"Give him two years of plan B, and then let go. By then, there will be little hope for reconciliation."


Another one:

"I generally encourage a spouse in Plan B to make sure that the unfaithful spouse knows that reconciliation is possible if there is (1) no contact with the lover, with extraordinary conditions to guarantee compliance and (2) restoration of the marriage by following the MB plan of recovery. While this can be said once, it doesn't hurt for an intermediary to remind the WS of the offer. But I don't encourage a spouse to wait more than 2 years in Plan B. After that amount of time, reconciliation is very rare."

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

ML, both of those quotes say Plan B for two years, not from exposure. I know that in a case for a BW, we only Plan A for a short time, but for a BH who Plan A's for up to 6 months, that would mean 6 months Plan A and another 2 years Plan B. What I remember from SAA was that DrH told Jon 2 years total. 6 months Plan A, 18 months Plan B.

Mason, it isn't MANDATORY to stay in for the full 2 years, you should reevaluate how you feel. Me personally, I am not going to have ANY contact with my WH as long as he is with OW. If that is the rest of my life, so be it. When I would file for a D, if my WH hasn't first, is a different time for me, and it has NOTHING to do with hanging on to my WH, or "waiting." I don't even feel like I am "waiting" right now. I am not ready to be divorced, and I don't want to date, so there is no reason for me to file, yet. I do have a time line, for ME, and when I get there, I will file, because I should be ready by then. I haven't ever told anyone my end date, because I may want to change it, depending on how I feel(I won't extend it, only lessen it).

Thank you all for your responses, feeling better. Brought my 5 year old to kindergarten this week. I get the joy of bringing him there and picking up everday. He misses the boat on that. My son did say to me that "Daddy does not want to take care of us he always goes away, work, work, work." He is starting to realize that his friends Dad's live with them and his does not. Too much for a 5 year old. I told him he needs to tell Daddy that.

Mason - my six year old son is in agony over his dad. Last night my son come downstairs and this was our conversation.

Son: We have to talk to GOD to bring daddy home. Is GOD nice?
Me: Yes, GOD is very nice, and wants daddy to come home. All we can do is pray for him to come home.

Son: Mom, I am so sad. I miss daddy so much. I just want to go to bed.

He goes upstairs and then I came to tuck him in.

Me: Son, are you okay? What would you like to talk about?

Son: Mom, I just want to sleep because I am so sad. I miss daddy. I ask him when I go to his house if he will pack his stuff up and come home. He says he can't come home.

Me: Son, Just keep telling daddy you want him to come home. Let daddy know how sad you are and how much you miss him. I will be here for you if you want to cry, get angry, or feel sad.

I love you so much son, and with time, prayer, and patience hopefully daddy will come home. Just remind him how much we love him and miss him and need him.

When I went to bed last night my heart broke. All I can do is reassure my son I am here for him. The kids are so smart and understand the situation. I hope to use prayer and patience to teach my son a lesson. I pray that my son is learning it isn't right for a man to treat his wife this way.

For me that is the biggest lesson I want to gain from this experience. I want my son to know hurting a woman in this matter is never exceptable.

Many prayers {{{{{Mason}}}}}

Thank you, I want to cry. My son runs away from the phone when his Dad calls. I hate this and always will.

Feeling a little down today. I inadvertantly found out my husband is in Miami with OW. I just feel like their affair will never end. I wish I could jet set off every other wknd and live this lifestyle. I just feel like I am losing hope. I really always thought he would come back, I guess we all want LaLa land to explode. How do you keep the hope alive? I feel like giving up.

I have not posted in awhile. An update: My husband ended his affair a month ago. He was entrenched for two years. We have since been talking and seeing each other a bit. With that said he told me last night he is tryingto love me again and get feeling back for me. Is this normal? He is not back in the house, he is lookung for another job. I asked him if he thinks we have done everything we could to save our marruage, He said no, but he is worried about hurting me again and failing. He says he still wants to work at it. I am so confused and is this normal bahavior for a Wayward Spouse after a month of leaving the OW. It felt like another knife in an already wounded heart.
Any insights?

Is your WH looking for a new job because he works with OW, or has contact with her through his job?

Are you CERTAIN that there is NC between him and OW? Has he agreed to write a NCL like the one in SAA? Has he agreed to any EPs? What is his attitude like? Is he remorseful? Is he willing to do ANYTHING that you ask?

Are you looking at coaching or the online course with MB? Would your WH be willing to post on the forum(if you haven't told him about it yet and you're not sure if he is serious, I wouldn't).

It says that you were in Plan B, did he go through the IM to tell you that he wanted to reconcile? Sorry about all of the questions, it's just easier to advise someone when you know all of the possible information.

mason, doc H has said most affairs end on their own after two years.

Normal for WH to not know when end is up at this point.

Time to call the harleys. It would be great for the both of you. You can each do a session on that call.

Even if WH balks at this time a call will give you the professional guidance on how to proceed.

To be honest, I broke Plan B. No one could be my IM any longer and with two little boys it was tough. With that said, he does not seem as remorseful, seems more like he is trying to see if t he can love me again. I asked him if he can see his life without me, he said sometimes yes and sometimes no. But he wants to try. I just was wondering if this is normal for someone who could be in withdrawel? He does work with her, she lives two states away. He knows he needs to leave. I just need to try and understand this at this point. He has not been on this sight.

I have that sick feeling in my stomach again.

My advice would be that he isn't serious about recovery and that the A is still active, so you need to get yourself into a real Plan B which doesn't end until he is serious about recovery, of you get a D(even after a D you could continue Plan B if you wish, I would).

DrH suggests that BW's not try recovery with a WH who isn't remorseful.

Does your WH know about DrH in any way? Do you have SAA?

And this is probably the number one reason for me to suggest Plan B to you. A dark as night Plan B. One where you can heal, and stay away from your WH until he shows that he is serious.

you are right, now I feel as I am in Plan A. I do have SAA. I relate my story more to Sus and Jon. I believe the affair is over. Just not sure if it is permanent. I guess there a lot to happen and a new job would be the number one step towards recovery. I know better, until then this means nothing and what he said is fog babble. Just so tired of all this. Tired of waiting and hoping. Not much of that left

So, are you going to get into Plan B?

I have too... I now understand when I read when the BS is just so exhausted, I can not go through this anymore. I just want yo know is it normal for the WS to feel this way. I want someone to be all in and what does that mean "trying to love me"?
Is he trying to get over feelings for the OW? I guess after being in a two year affair the feelings do not just go away overnight. I have one friend to talk to, everyone else thinks I should be done. I feel like when people ask me how are things going and I say "the same" I just feel stupid. I still have the dream of my family being together again, just do not know if Is houdl start letting go. I have to let go.

Can a former WS give me any insight on how they felt when they ended the affair.

It has been shown on this forum (and you can read in recovery i.e. yb1, scientistmom, and the false recovery thread (I will bump)) unless they come back truly repentant (owning their crap) then they are not serious about recovery.

For repentant WH read sexymamabear, herpapabear, gloveoil, and sunnydintx.

Your WH is still wayward and he needs to know his path home to you.

Can you send him an update conditions 'love letter' that states what it will take to be married to you?

The number one factor is him finding a new job. I am aware that no recovery can take palce until then. I am just frustrated; at the no filter fog babble that we still have to hear. I am growing impatient and so tired of my sitauation, like many posters here. He knows his path to come home, he is just not on it yet. Not sure if he ever will be.
Thanks for your responses. Even though I do not post much I come her everyday to feel somewhat "normal".

i was hoping you would come back and give an update. I have been thinking of you. I am toughlove, so I used to post to you.

Many prayers and hugs!

Tough