Indie - I think you are right. I should be fine soon.

My other kid just got home (today was WH day to pick him up) and I relaxed a bit.

Indie is correct.

Estrela, first special dates are going to be hard. Second, the trigger of your IM's slip is affecting you even more. Third, it doesn't matter why your WH asked for the number. AS you say, he should have found that by himself. He's a big boy. It could be that WH has a friend who is going through something, and he wanted the number for that person. It could be that he wanted a tax receipt. WHo knows? And YOU DON'T CARE. Plan B means SILENCE.

((((ESTRELA))))

BTW, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I suggest that any time IM (or anyone) has a message, (unless one of the children is seriously sick or injured), that you make an automatic practice of waiting at least

TWO HOURS

before responding. That will give you a little time to regroup, and decide if the request is legitimate. If it is, send an answer that you've had a little time to think about (or ask about here), and if it's not, then you can ignore it without being caught off guard.

Happy b-day!

Good advice, Neak. I will try to follow it as I've been replying right away any kind of request through IM.

Yesterday I had a break of NC. My youngest was feeling better, so I sent him to school and went to work (1 hour away). When I got at work, I got a call from school nurse that he was not well.

I could not find my IM, so I texted WH to pick up DS (now I am thinking 5 different ways to have avoided that but at the moment...). He replied he would and I texted him to bring DS home at 3. That was it but enough to stir old feelings.

And then... his daughter called that they bought me a cake and asked me to stop by with the kids to sing happy birhtday. I went, and it was cute to see stepkids but then her mommy (WH's ex-wife, of course) and her current husband were giving me advice on how to move on. I cut the story short and left, but another break in NC.

Two in the same day. Plus my birhtday, so today feelings were being aroused.

So.... I went for a mani/pedi. It helped a bit already. I got a deep wine color (a bit dark but i love it) and a glittery wine for the toes.

And I am feeling better as i write this.

Thanks for being here!

The main thing is it flagged up a gap and you now have thought of ways to plug it. With each plugged up gap, you feel better.



That sounds sharp! I might go for a bit of wine myself.

Happy Birthday!

Estrela, how are ya?

Hi Scotty,

Checking on your Plan Bers herd? Good to hear from you!
I am here almost every day, reading posts, but with no much to update.

I've been busy with work, kids, had a nice couple of days with my girlfriends - just too much liquor, not used to it anymore

I am getting ready to visit my family in Brazil for the Easter holiday. I will go with the kids, so had to ask WH to issue a "permission" for me to travel with them (Brazilian requirements). I did it all through IM but anything with him (even through IM) triggers me a bit. But not too much.

The other day, he was coming to get the kids, and I started to freak out because they were not ready. My DS told me that I did not have to be so edgy. I stopped and looked at him. My 9 year old giving me life lessons! He is right. If they are not ready the minute WH comes, he can wait (outside) for a while. No need to stress out because of him.

Of course, I've been quesitoning my M more and more. Why do I want to be with someone who has no consideration for me? But I am giving myself time, no rush for anything.

Thanks for checking. I think I needed to get this stuff out

Vent OFTEN.

You have no idea how much it'll help, not just you but others. People sometimes view Plan B in horror, as some sort of marriage grim reaper, rather than the healer it is.

I try to blog my Plan B as much as possible so people can see what a true one looks like. No drama, no pain, just making a whole new life for myself and being happy.

When only the dramatic Plan Bers, who make breaches or get into RAs are updating, the Plan Aers who are afraid q rightly view it with horror.

Besides we like you. Drop us a line.

Oh and it'll help prevent Scot from worrying about her 'herd'

Mama bear!

Hey now!!!!

Estrela, Indie is so right. You can talk about whatever you wish on here. It's your thread. Have you read my thread? I always allow threadjacks, because it's LIFE we're living here. And you never know what will help someone else. This is a journey and what you are posting about is a person's personal recovery. Personal recovery isn't easy. And as Indie said, some other posters may be able to see themselves in your journey and you may push them to do what they didn't think they could.

SO, what colour are your toes?

I'm all about glitter right now, and I found this new colour called Rockstar Pink. I put it over different colours to change it up. I think I'm going to find a nice pastel yellow with orange glitter for Easter.

Hehehehe, her reputation is growing!!!

Estrela, so glad to hear Plan B is allowing you to heal and consider what is best for you. And enjoy the Brazil Easter trip, I'm jealous!!!

Thank you, my friends.

I have to say, Plan B and MB are awesome. I would probably be a mess without it.

When I mention it to friends, their first reaction is surprise (not in a good way), but when I explain the alternatives: constantly worrying about WH, obsessing about what WH is doing, how he looks, how he sounds, what he wears, what he says, what he means when he says it, etc., they quickly understand that among my options, this is the best.

I am getting stronger. I am exercising, taking care of my toes (still glittery wine), and taking care of myself. I am able to work, deal with kids, house, etc. This is huge considering what is going on. And yes, I am happy. There is a sadness underneath, sometimes a quick cry, but I am happy.

I know the next step will be hard, and I need to gather forces for that. Being with my family in April should be quite healing.

And all the support here! Thanks!

Sounds like you are on the right track. Keep it up.

AS you heal more, people around you won't question you about your choices. Instead, they'll probably ask you how you're fairing so well. Good job.

Just got out of bed with some ideas about the state of my M, just wanted to put them out, see if they survive the daylight.

When I look at my M to try to determine if it is salvageable, I see a M where God (or a purpose) was missing. I believe that God was present in our M in the beginning. We conceived, we made each other better persons. I had a reason to serve as a wife to my husband.

Then, my purpose to serve my H, and my M, seemed to fade. It is like I was no longer serving God in this position.

So my point is, either WH (and myself) makes changes (not just NC, but really lifestyle changes) or the M will not survive this lack of purpose and become a good marriage again.

In any case, I will continue my road to PR, which includes questioning my purpose, now, no longer serving a H, maybe something else, the community, my family. TBC.

I have seen non-Christians on here succeed by following MB principles. Little did they know the extent that God was actually helping them, since a joyful and fulfilling M is His best will for every spouse. (When one spouses refuses to walk in His will, of course that plan can be thwarted, since He doesn't force us. But still, we can know for a certainty that if we are married, God wants us to succeed, and be filled with joy and love.)

The most spectacular and lasting R's I have seen on here all involved a turning back to God, and making Him the center of the M. In the cases of the non-Christian, He helps all He can, but within the restraints of their own choices. When someone actually invites Him in and asks for His help, stand back and watch out! He will really go to work.

So I fully encourage you to pursue your own intimacy with God now, in order for you to be in a position to re-introduce Him to your WH when the time comes. R is hard no matter what, but a R with God leading the way is always the best option.

One of our verses in church yesterday was Acts 7:27, to seek after God, that we might feel after Him and find Him, because He isn't far from us at all. It's like you're groping around in the darkness, and as soon as you reach out just a little you find Him, because He was standing right there all along.

Some updates and venting and Plan B break...

I will be leaving to visit my family next week. Will probably be busy with family (happy and sad stuff as my mom's brother just passed yesterday).

I asked IM to check with WH about mail (he receives one of his paychecks on the mail so thought he might need to pick up the mail while I am gone). IM said I can stop the mail while I am gone.

So, I knew he would be travelling and could not resist snooping and found out that he will be going with OW to New Zealand for a week.

I cannot even say how crushed I was by this. A big thing on his first A (and huge trigger on the years post-A) was all the travel he did "for work" with OW#1. And now WH started again with OW#2!

Of course the whole story kept me wondering how much more to wait. If he starts behaving reckelessly with his one, maybe I should file to protect my finances and really get myself out of the situation.

That's why snooping during Plan B is a big no-no. You don't need to know what he's doing.

You also don't need any of his mail coming to the house. The next check that arrives, mark "Return to Sender, Not at This Address". I'm serious. Send it back, and let him deal with his own address change.

You get back dark again. This was very, very bad for your emotional and mental health.

ITA. Estrela, the fact that his check comes to the house is a form of contact. He needs to get that changed to another address. He can always rent a post office box for his mail.

Every time you see his mail - or worse have to deal with it, you're triggered and you've seen that enough triggers lead to snooping.

He's a big boy, let him deal with his own change of adress. At first I returned things to sender but now they go in the bin. He resisted changing his address because he thought my decision not to endure an A was temporary. Its not.



You don't wait in Plan B, not sure why you think you do. Every day should be spent forging a whole new life wihtout him. Every drop of energy dedicated to your healing.

You divorce only if you think you are definitely 'done' no matter what, if you hit the two year mark or if your lawyer advises it for legal or financial protection.

You don't divorce on the back of your wayward doing stupid, hurtful stuff because a)you shouldn't know about it and b) you would have filed on dday if that was the case.

Neak, maritalbliss, Indie,

Thanks for your advice. It is true, I need to close this hole with the mail, and the snooping only hurts.

As for the "waiting", it is muddy for me. Even in a dark plan B, I still feel linked to WH. Our souls are linked together by M. I respect that. And if I am still married to him, either I am waiting for him to decide to come back and work on the M, or I am waiting for the time when I do not care about him anymore.

None of this has happened yet, so I feel I am waiting. I am busy with life, with kids. Enjoying everything, would not change a thing right now.

I guess I am paying the price for snooping again. I miss him at times, and at other times I wish I could just sever our ties.