Thank you.. again reading here helps me get through days when I feel sad still. I understand this is a marathon, but I need to change my my age and the age of the boys. We are all a year older. That makes me sad. Time passes so quickly but going through this it feels like slow motion. I have not followed MB to a T, but it has given me strength. I will know if i do divorce, I have given it my all. Like many others on here, I am just not there yet. I have a shred of hope left.

Have you and your spouse spoken to a MB Marriage Coach?
I wouldnt go into Plan B if you dont know the status of the affair.
If the affair is over, you need to start rebuilding your love banks.
Are you following the plan in Surviving an Affair?

We just spoke about the break up yesterday. Which is when he said he is trying to love me again, scared of failing and hurting me again. I really do not think recovery can start until he finds another job. He is not back in the house, but we are talking. Almost learning how to talk to each other again. He seems like he is in a place of limbo. So that is when I say I feel like I am in Plan A again.

Why is he still not home? If his affair is over and he is truly committed to recovering your marriage, he should be back home.

I suspect he has not ended his affair.

Yes, I agree. I think on some level it ended but they are still at the same company. He is looking for a new job. I am fully aware that we can not recover while they are working for the same company. I have expressed this to him several times. He is currently living with his Mom. Never got an apartment. Where we live nor her city... I will not have him home until he leaves his job.

Are you ready to go to Plan B? Because it sounds like he is cake-eating.

I believe it is over, He was cake eating. I can still check where he flies too. I do not want to Plan B again unless he goes back to her and start Plan D. I feel like we need to start build our love for each other again after so much hurt. It was just hard to hear some of the things he said. But after reading so much I guess it takes time to love each other again. The affair is over? Now he has to get a new job. Actions speak louder than words. Am I totally off base here?

Is it possible to Plan A again?

Mason ... I will be back ... If you want to try a 2-3 week maximum for Plan A ... then you have to go back into Plan B otherwise you risk your health.

Let him chase you ... you are worth so much ... if you chase him then you are in the same Pre-A marriage as before where he thinks he can neglect you.

Just be careful on Plan A.

The exact thing happened to me ... the whore dumped my WH. I thought he would come home ... nope he doesn't want to end the friendship. He is still intoxicated on her today. I tried Plan A but I couldn't while he was still friends with her. It hurts like hell ... Just be careful.

It can go in so many directions.

I have been careful and it does hurt. The one thing is I am independent after almost two years of this.

You could Plan A if you like, but I thought you were already feeling like you were in Plan A now, and there was no desired effect.

What is it about PLan B that worries you?

I was Plan B for 7 months. Which helped me tremendously. Not talking to him now when he told me he broke up with the OW and he wants to work on things I think would set us back. I do know that if he goes back I will never speak to him again and will be in Plan B forever. I have told him if we divorce I will not be his friend. With that said I think he is in a withdrawel stage- 3-4 wks out.... From what I read many WS do not jump right into recovery or feel love for their BS. Is that true? Botom line is he needs to leave his job and is willing to do that. I had some ideas in my head that he woudl come crawling back and beg for me to take him back. That had not happened yet.

Also, I know if this does not progress, I will not just accept things for the way they are. I deserve better. We all do. He is still a wayward and I need to not listen to his fogbabble. I do believe right after the affair ends they are still in the fog for sometime. Please correct me if I am off here. Just trying to wrap my head still around all of this.

Oh you are correct that WSs tend to stay in a fog even after the affair has ended.

Is there absolutely ZERO contact between OW and WH? WHy do you believe that he is in withdrawal?

If you believe that he is willing to start recovery with you, then you won't enter Plan A, you would enter Plan RECOVERY. Has he agreed to a NCL? Has he agreed to counseling of your choice(MB of course)? Has he agreed to any EPs? What are your conditions for recovery?

No we are not there yet, We have had one very emotional conversation. He can not be in total no contact beacuse they work for the same company. They are in different states, are no longer allowed to travel or work together. Because of my expsosure they had to sign a no contact. With that said at a company meeting (coming up in May) they could see each other. ( i am hopeful he finds a new job by then. That is the number one requiremnet right now. I am giving this some breathing space (for myself to heal from the conversation) and he needs to go to counseling himself.

I believe he is withdrwawel because of the way he spoke to me the other day, saying I am trying to love you, I do not want to hurt you and I am scared to fail. I would have rather heard something more positive, but thinking back when we were in false recovery, he told me all of those things I wanted to hear and he did not mean one of them.

I think a begining for us will be his new job. I read somewhere that one WH could not even think about recovery until he got a new job. In my crazy mind I feel like that is the case.

So what is your plan until he gets the new job? How long is that going to take? Is he actively looking for work right now?

Yes, he is actively looking for work. Hopefully something will come up sooner than later and he is aggressively looking, always telling me when he sends resumes out. I was thinking Plan A for now and then is things do not work and I am not happy Plan B.

I am just wondering is this normal behavior for a WS just leaving his affair?

I can not tell you what behaviours are normal when leaving an affair.

You didn't answer my other questions though. What else is he doing for recovery? Has he agreed to a NCL? Any EPs?

Is your plan that you will Plan A until he finds another job, and if you can't last that long, you will PLan B?

Personally, I think you will be better protected - and he will be more motivated - if you are in Plan B.

Right now the situation is ripe for a false recovery. He still has contact with her. He has not completed withdrawal. He is not remorseful.

I don't understand why you want to Plan A that. Is it a control issue for you? That you feel the need to know what he's doing and try to prevent him from sliding back to OW? Or is your own withdrawal from him too painful?

You are not starting recovery. He hasn't committed to that, and in fact has been rather HURTFUL to you. He has absolutely no fear about losing you. That buys him time.

If he is in contact with her at work then he is still in the affair. This happened with my wife, she was so addicted to OM that she could not cancel her stupid facebook account!
Needless to say, No Contact lasted an entire 10 days before she drove there one midnight for sex.
Dr. Harley says that sometimes a move out of state is needed.
Your husband is a addict, pretend he is a cocaine addict and the other woman is a cocaine dealer. They cant stay apart.
So if your husband says, "I need to find another neighborhood where by drug dealer doesnt hang out in"....but keeps going to the same neighborhood (work) how long do you think it will be until they are back in bed together?

You are probably right. He can buy his time right into divorce then. He has been with the OW for two years. He could still be with her, I do not know. I have a short window, for myself.
I told him the other night I was not going to be here forever and asked him if he thought we have done verything we could to save our marriage. He said no, I want to work at it. With that said, I do not trust a thing he says, but I love him and miss him. We need to start somewhere, but as I said, my window is short. Have already been dealing with this for so long, what's another month. I can have the rest of my life to be in Plan B and D.